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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think he should have chosen his dd instead of his friend?

106 replies

CharlotteCollinsislost · 07/11/2012 14:26

My h has been invited to a stag weekend by a good friend. The weekend in question is the birthday weekend of our turning-9yo dd. He's chosen the stag do.

This means he misses most of the day itself (Sunday) and the night of the sleepover party (Friday night).

So AIBU to think he should've said no?

OP posts:
picturesinthefirelight · 07/11/2012 15:21

I'd be annoyed because I work full time too and is want some help. Why should it be the woman who always has to sort things for the kids.

But my dh wouldn't dream of missing his dd's birthday for something like this.

pictish · 07/11/2012 15:27

It isn't 'always the woman'.
The fact that his mate's stag do is on a certain date is nothing to do with the OP's gender. Her dh is going to be away at a more important event and that's that.

Numberlock · 07/11/2012 15:29

... and if the issue is that the OP doesn't get to go away to the same amount of weekends with her friends, that's a separate issue.

BelaLugosisShed · 07/11/2012 15:36

I abhor all this stag/hen do bollocks, so yanbu in my eyes.
If he missed his own child's actual birth due to being on a jolly, he's an arsehole of the highest order, it's unforgivable to put his friends before his partner and children.

BelaLugosisShed · 07/11/2012 15:37

A stag night is an "important event"? Since when ? Hmm

pictish · 07/11/2012 15:39

A stag (or hen) do is one off, unlike a kiddy birthday, so therefore gets priority imo.

Ephiny · 07/11/2012 15:42

I don't think it should 'always be the woman' who has to make arrangements for the children. If it is in the OP's family, that's a problem IMO. But that's not what she asked AIBU about.

BelaLugosisShed · 07/11/2012 15:43

When I'm queen of the world, the first thing I'll do is ban stag and hen do's, what's the point of them?

If it's to celebrate getting married, don't you do that at the actual wedding?

Mrsrobertduvallsaysboo · 07/11/2012 15:45

It wouldn't bother me tbh but then birthdays are not the bee all and end all in our house.
It's not as if your dd is 5, or not having any birthday celebration at all.

You seem to have a few issues to resolve with him. Do you not go away or have time off?

ClippedPhoenix · 07/11/2012 15:51

Stand corrected there on "always the woman" so will say predominantly instead Grin

Also why should he swan off and leave it all to his wife to organise?

which seems the norm

WearingGreen · 07/11/2012 16:00

If it was my good friends hen weekend then I would go to it. He doesn't need to be at the sleepover and he will be back on the day of the birthday anyway. I don't remember what I did for my 9th bday but if one of my parents had given up a stag/hen weekend with good mates to supervise my sleepover then I think I would feel more precious and guilty and over-indulged than important in a good way. My mum had numerous weekends away playing sports when I grew up, I don't remember if she missed any of our bdays for them but I wouldn't be surprised.

prudencesmom · 07/11/2012 16:03

Stag weekend in Portugal.
What a load of crap. Stag/Hen nights have now turned into Stag/Hen weekends/weeks. Its all bollocks.
Tell him he can go as long as you get a weekend in Portugal without him. Ok?

Numberlock · 07/11/2012 16:04

I regularly go away with my friends for the weekend for no reason. My sons haven't died.

I disagree that it's the norm or predominantly men, well not in my social circle anyway. All our partners/exes/husbands do the same.

ClippedPhoenix · 07/11/2012 16:07

The thing is he should be with his wife for the weekend helping to celebrate his daughters birthday.

Who arranged things? When did he know about the stag do?

Which came first the chicken or the egg Grin

Or at the very least why can't you have a little celebration on the Sunday and arrange the sleepover for the following week?

TheSmallClanger · 07/11/2012 16:13

I remember primary-aged DD's birthday parties. I needed DH there for moral support! Also, he has always been there on her actual birthday, and to have her birthday tea.

Stag dos never used to be this significant. Whole generations of bridegrooms have managed to get married without costly, family-disrupting stag holidays that most of them will be too pissed to remember anyway.

Numberlock · 07/11/2012 16:20

I get that people don't necessarily like the idea of stag or hen dos but what I don't get is the resentment towards one half of a couple having some family-free time (assuming it's reciprocated of course).

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 07/11/2012 16:29

People are only allowed family-free time if it's to work, Number. And even then, only if their work is really horrible and they don't like it.

It's like actual weddings where people dare not to invite both halves of a couple (even if they don't know one half from Adam) or even, God forbid, their children (ditto).

QueenMaeve · 07/11/2012 16:37

I think it's more to do with the bigger picture op, does he often take time away. I think it's daft for people to say their dh would never miss their child's birthday. My 2nd ds went to the ice hockey with some friends for his last (8th) birthday. Dh brought them & they went for pizza. Am I terrible because I wasn't there? I hardly think so. My dh and I both do our bit in terms of the dc. It's hard work with 5. So if either of us get the chance of a night away, we don't begrudge each other it. But we both get time away, not just dh. On a rare occasion we even get away together Grin

Mrsjay · 07/11/2012 16:39

It is a 1 off stag do his friend is getting married soon and this is the DO your dd is going to have a load of screamy girls overnight and her birthday isnt till the sunday , id get a cake and do it when her dad comes back it is just a one off he hasn't missed the last 8 birthdays has he ?

pictish · 07/11/2012 16:40

Yes quite - people don't agree to have children, then carry on having friends or God forbid nights out for crying out loud!
As soon as that baby is conceived, nothing less than total resignation from all activities that do not focus soley on the family or the home, is all that is acceptable. Anything else is just sheer hedonism, and anarchy is sure to follow.

Being a parent isn't a lifestyle choice - it's a fucking religion, and don't you sloppy, self centred, reckless goer-outers forget it!

pictish · 07/11/2012 16:43

I'm not getting at the OP in that at all btw - sounds like her dh IS a bit of a selfish shellfish....I'm talking at all those "my husband would never choose a stag night over our child's birthday" naysayers.

Well mine would, and thank fuck for that - it reassures me to know he hasn't become a total plank yet. Wink

TheSmallClanger · 07/11/2012 16:46

DH does have friends, and does do social stuff with them. He (and I) just balance that with family stuff.

Stag dos are far less important than they are made out to be.

pictish · 07/11/2012 16:46

Says who? The stag...or you?

McChristmasPants2012 · 07/11/2012 16:47

Your dd will have other birthday, his friend will hopefully only have 1 stag do.

Perhaps before or after he goes he could take her for a special birthday treat like cinema or bowling

BelaLugosisShed · 07/11/2012 16:49

The fact that you refer to a man about to be married as a "stag" says it all really. It's pathetic.