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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask family for a contribution towards Christmas food?

100 replies

Chestnuts33 · 06/11/2012 09:04

I have always gone to my parents for Christmas every year until now. This year they are coming to me for the first time. They will be staying for about four days and will be bringing my younger brothers too.

Obviously it's going to be expensive feeding the extra mouths for four days especially with expensive Christmas food - I read somewhere the average cost of Christmas dinner is going to be £90 for average family this year, and I have them staying for four days.

AIBU to ask them to contribute? I was not going to ask for money as that seems a bit rude and they are my family afterall but thought it might be ok to ask them to bring say the Christmas cake or pudding? Or something like Christmas crackers? Or does that seem petty?

Obviously I appreciate they are incurring petrol costs (probably about £50) driving to see me so not as though I'm the only one spending money. Also I have been to my parents every year until now and they have never asked me to contribute :o

Just wanted to know what the done thing was when you are the host for Christmas. Money is a bit tight at the moment however I don't want to be stingy or offend anyone

OP posts:

Chrysanthemum5 · 06/11/2012 10:30

If we go to DH's parents or his siblings then we would offer tp bring the wine for the whole day as none of them would accept money. With my family, one person will do each course so I might provide the main course, my sister would provide the starters etc. Or sometimes one person does it all and we just split the cost.

I would never turn up for Christmas empty handed, and I wouldn't be offended by being asked for a contribution - but that grew out of us not having parents since we were teenagers so we've always shared costs.

Viviennemary · 06/11/2012 10:30

If you've always gone to your parents for Christmas, I don't think you should ask for a contribution if this is the first time you've had to pay for it. I expect they will bring some food and drink to you. And if they offer certainly accept.

yomellamoHelly · 06/11/2012 10:34

I'd probably not ask for money since it would place an onus on you to satisfy / cater to them rather than them being happy with what they got! But if help was offered I would ask for pudding / crackers / booze / whatever.
That said we did Christmas here the year before last and it was a much simpler deal than dinner at my PIL. (They spend a couple of days prepping and writing lists, over-cater and spend a fortune.) Dh went to Tescos on Christmas Eve to see what he could get (and there were still some really good deals to be had), but quite happy to buy normal chicken etc, and just got on and cooked it the next day. - PIL speechless. - Bird he got was the right size for the number of us for 1 meal so no massive cooking time and cranberry sauce, bread sauce, pigs in blankets all bought. Otherwise just roast potatoes and parsnips and some veg. So not much fancier than a normal roast meal.
PIL bought the booze. Probably spent more on it than the food cost. Lasted days.
We do pancakes on Christmas Day, but otherwise just have usual soups, pasta, flans etc and again we don't over-cater. So again nothing fancy.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 06/11/2012 10:39

YANBU. We always do this - our family always shares the shopping over Christmas, bringing it over to whoever is hosting that year. Someone brings the breakfast food (bacon, eggs, sausages - good butcher stuff not Tesco Value), someone the cheese and biscuits, someone (usually PILs) a shedload of wine and so on.

There was a thread about this a couple of years ago though and I swear I was the only one who said the OP was perfectly reasonable for asking for contributions. It was one of the first times that I realised that either I'm odd, or MN is

Original poster

Chestnuts33 · 06/11/2012 10:40

OP here.

Thanks for all the advice - really helpful.

Think I will ask my family to bring a few bits of food but be careful how I phrase it - as in "would you like to make some mince pies as you can make them so much better than I can".

Brothers are both adult and working full time, so I will ask them to bring something too. Maybe booze. Neither of them have hosted Christmas yet, I am the first 'child' to do so, so this might be a good time to set a new tradition of sharing the financial burden of Christmas food :o

Previous years we have all just gone to our parents' house and they have paid for all the food - I guess we just felt entitled as they are our parents, although I realise now that I should have been more thoughtful and offered to contribute and I definitely will do in the future.

I would add that last year I did buy my parents an exceptionally generous Christmas gift, which was something they have wanted for ages, so I am not a tight-arsed nasty daughter or anything, just a bit thoughtless at times

OP posts:

Northernlurker · 06/11/2012 10:47

We have usually taken wine etc to parents. This year I have insisted on buying the turkey because I want a nice local one from a farm and mil would otherise buy something frozen from tesco.

Mrsjay · 06/11/2012 10:50

I dont think anybody really thought you were tight chestnuts just people couldn't understand why you hadn't taken anything to your parents, if your brothers are grown and working id get them to bring something and contribute but I wouldnt ask your parents

cozietoesie · 06/11/2012 10:58

Half of my siblings wouldn't have taken anything to my parents, Mrsjay. They just always thought that 'parents provided' I guess.

PuggyMum · 06/11/2012 11:02

I've got FIL and BIL and SIL and their baby coming for Xmas. They have already asked what to bring and we have just said to bring wine and beer as that's the bit that really costs IMO.

FIL will take us all out for a meal over the time they are here.

I'm already planning menus so I can budget.

12ylnon · 06/11/2012 11:04

I don't think it's rude. We all chip in over christmas. Not usually money, but booze, breakfast stuff, a couple of dishes either for christmas dinner or dessert.
Perhaps asking them to provide something like that would be slightly more tactful.

lurkerspeaks · 06/11/2012 11:05

A real life lesson here for you. I'm currently wrestling with my Dad over who gets to host Christmas. He is reluctant to give up the reins but my sibs and I would quite like to start new traditions..... at least you have won that battle!

When there were more of us (my parents have hosted for almost 30 years) my grandparents would provide things like the pudding and the cheeseboard.

Mrsjay · 06/11/2012 11:07

They just always thought that 'parents provided' I guess.

suppose but not even a bottle of wine is just a bit mean isn't it, I buy half or some of christmas dinner Mum cooks it I dont even think my sister knows how much it costs she buys her OWN christmas drink because she doesn't like wine

Bogeyface · 06/11/2012 11:08

If you didnt contribute anything to their hosting costs, you shouldnt ask for anything towards yours.

I am that you are even thinking about doing it.

If you want to change the way things work then suck up the cost this year and then the next time you have Xmas at your parents, say to everyone that you hadnt realised how much it cost until you hosted, so you and your brothers would like to put something into the pot. Doing it the first year you host is disgraceful and wont make you very popular.

ethelb · 06/11/2012 11:12

£90? My family rarely buy a turkey for less than £90. Plus hm cake and pudding costs a fair bit.

cozietoesie · 06/11/2012 11:12

I agree entirely, Mrsjay. My Dad was always faster on the draw with the credit card at the checkout in any store. (Having said which, most of my siblings were notoriously slow.) That was just the way it was.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 06/11/2012 11:17

I wouldn't ask for anything, but if they offered I would take them up on it and ask them to bring maybe a bottle or two of wine or some dessert (or ask them what they were thinking of bringing).

I wouldn't have asked them to come to eat with me if I couldn't afford it.

mummytime · 06/11/2012 11:17

When asking your parents to contribute in your situation I would probably start by apologising.

My SIL handles this kind of thing by having a list and asking you to choose from the list, so: Crackers, Mince Pies, Biscuits, Cheese Biscuits, Cheese Board, Crisps, Cake; Wine etc.

Mousefunk · 06/11/2012 11:31

I think its more than fair to ask them to pay for their food while they stay for the other three days but not the Christmas dinner seen as you never contributed to theirs. I'd just wait and see if they ask whether you need anything bringing (which they more than likely will do).

Mousefunk · 06/11/2012 11:36

*when we go to family for boxing day we don't bring anything , just never thought about it, its not really how my family is- if you're invited to their house for dinner then they are the hosts and they pay. However if we stayed over for a period of time we'd definitely pay for all our own food and in fact when MIL and BIL came over from SA to stay with us for a week they did cover all of their own food costs. It isn't rude, if you're not made of money you can't be expected to pay for extra people for however many days imo..

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 06/11/2012 11:45

If we go to my DB my SIL tends to have already organised everything so I usually leave a supermarket gift card so if they have overstretched themselves a bit they can use it for their own food shop after Xmas. I would expect to contribute so I think it is reasonable of you to ask.

OhTheConfusion · 06/11/2012 12:57

What you have suggested sounds fine. We are going to my parents this year and have asked mum if DSis and I can split the jobs with her to let us all relax and enjoy the day. Mum is on starter and Turkey, I am doing all the accompanying potatoes, veg, piggys and cheese. DSis is doing two desserts... win/win!

I USED to have a friend who asked everyone over then paid for very little / nothing!

She invited us on xmas eve for hot choc and gingerbread men... she asked me to bring both then called when we were en-route to ask if we could grab milk as she had ran out

The same year she invited her parents for christmas lunch and asked them to buy the turkey, ham, pigs in blankets and and do pudding. She then complained that it had cost her for potatoes and frozen mixed veg!

DragonMamma · 06/11/2012 13:16

I agree with those that said that it is a bit off to ask for actual cash but I would hope it goes without saying that people would offer to bring a dessert and bring wine/beer regardless, it is the polite thing to do when people invite you to dinner, surely?

We have a big family and tend to host a 'do' each, I do drinks, chicken bits, wedges and a few party bits on Xmas Eve, another relative does Xmas day, my DM does Boxing day and another rel does something else between Xmas and New Year. That way we all have a night to host but regardless we still offer to bring food and take wine anyway (although I tend to end up taking what I was given on Xmas Eve as there's always loads left over)

dementedmumof6 · 06/11/2012 13:35

I think its ok to suggest things they can bring if they ask, but don't expect since they been doing it for years. I hosted xmas dinner every year for about 5years, no-one asked if i needed anything or brought anything including drink, well thats not true they gave lager and wine as a present then drank it all .
The one year my sil did it everyone was told what to bring, as soon as it was over she announced that the following year they would be coming to me again as was expensive and stressfull and they wern't doing it again, that was the year i decided to hold xmas dinner for my family only dh and kids and the rest could sort themselves out and has been like that ever since.

MadameCastafiore · 06/11/2012 13:37

We asked last year as it is just so expensive - didn't ask ILs but they ended up paying for DHs brother and his family as they refused to pay - but didn't tell us until afterwards - which made me pretty cross.

I don't think there is any issue with asking and whatever you ask will be a damn site cheaper than what they would have to pay if thet were having it at home.

ethelb · 06/11/2012 13:40

I think Christmas Day and the days following it are two separate things tbh.

No, you can't expect them to contribute for Xmas day. I was asked by a friend to contribute an amount for a Christmas dinner that would have paid for a meal at a restaurant and I am still a bit pissed off.

However, I often offer to shop for, pay for and cook a meal on Boxing Day, Dec 27th etc and this is often taken up by family and I am pleased to do it. How much younger are your brothers?

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