To want to kill the next person who asks me when I am going to have another child?

[FantabulousFryingPan]

DS is two. I have been asked so often when I am going to have another one I could scream. Of course, it doesn't help that we've been trying for a year now and AF came today.

Why are people so bliddy rude/nosey/thoughtless/lacking in social skills? As if I'd tell them anyway.

I don't think iabu, though probably giving a death stare rather than actually killing them would be fairer.

Aaa argh!

I get asked this and I'm single!

DD is 11 and I still get this its like they can't comprehend only having 1 especially as OH had the snip 4 yrs ago

when you are married and young people assume you must be pregnant...nope.
then you get "when are you going to have a baby?" which is hurtful - it assumes you got married to have kids (uhhh... nope), and that you are both fertile (at the time, that was another nope), and that you want to have them immediately!

I had 10 years of that, while trying to come to terms with being infertile. the worst pressure came from our parents who knew I couldn't have children - including "but babies are so cute, and you'd be a good mother!" and my mother knitting a whole box of booties and posting them to me! (helloooo ebay!)

then we divorced, I met my fiance, got pregnant.... (looks like the doctors were wrong about that infertility thing!)... and as soon as the poor kid was out of me I was asked "when are you having the next one??!" and I replied with "well certainly not when I'm sill bleeding from having this one!"

Got pregnant, "it's too soon! haven't you heard of condoms?"
miscarried, "oh dear!" "it's not like you lost a real baby"

then we were back to "when are you having another one?"
a year later, I got pregnant again.

"oh! did you not want a gap between them?" "it's not fair to your eldest!"

and the prizewinner 3 days before having the caesarian (for medical reasons) was "maybe you'll take more care with contraception this time?" (that one still stings, my baby was very much wanted and longed for, thank you! he's 6 days old today!)

so I'm expecting "when are you having the next one?" to start again soon!

I developed a rude reply or two years ago when I was told I was infertile - "I'm sorry, I didn't realise my uterus, sex life, and medical information was your business"

or the short version "my uterus, my business."

Imagine what it's like for those people who can't conceive and constantly get "so, when are you starting a family then? you've been married 3 years now" etc etc

I think that's worse.

It's no one else's business but it's not the sort of thing that I would get angry over.

Ebwy- fucking hell your mother!

I'm glad I don't get asked this anymore as it used to break my heart. Ds is 11 now and people seem to accept he'll be a single child.

YANBU

My DD is 6 almost 7 and DH& I have been TTC for 5 years. I have had 8MCs in that time (9altogether) I have Lupus and an underactive thyroid... I'm overweight by about 4 stone... I get asked all the frigging time when we are going to give DD a sibling. DHs nan asked and when I gave my stock blasé response she told me I was selfish as DD would be damaged without a sibling she doesn't know about our issues as DH would rather not worry his family with such trivial matters as the health of his wife (source of contention here) but my jeff I almost blurted it out to her and hastily left for home... I hate it and have told random strangers to mind their own before today

I seem to get the other way now I have 3. People saying that I should stop now or that I have done my bit for the population. Now I am not saying that I want anymore, I haven't decided yet, but it angers me that people seem to think they have the right to tell me not to have another.

I just smile and shrug. I would love to say something ruder but I am a wimp.

greeneyed - the booties thing wasn't funny at the time. it is now!
apparently she "just thought I might like them"

my ex-mil was as bad - I was in hospital, paralised and they weren't sure if I'd ever walk again and she chose then to tell me "I'm starting to think you'll never let me be a grandmother!"

not the time!!!
(bearing in mind I was still classed as infertile at the time)

Yanbu!

I was just asked if I'm having more at the weekend by a nosey random...ds is 8 months...I can see I have lots of this to come!

Ds is nearly 3 and we've been ttc for nearly 6 months and we've had the "so when's the next one?" Before we I was ready to try again my stock answer was I'm never having another as had a horrible pregnancy and labour and took 2 years to even think about it. Now we're trying and 2 of my friends are pregnant and I'm finding it harder to be blasé when people ask. Am hoping it doesn't take too long but am finding myself stressing more ttc this time round which I know doesn't help?
I hope you get your bfp soon.

People are idiots! This drives me crazy! My DD is 2.4 & I've had 2 mc this year and would love another baby. I am so shocked that people ask me this as it just seems ridiculous - if I was pregnant and less than 12 weeks I obviously don't want to tell them, if I was over 12 weeks they would know and if I'm not pregnant it's either because I don't want to be or because its just not happening. Either way asking me this question is totally inappropriate and insensitive.

The worst was my DH's elderly aunt who kept banging on about age gaps and how 2 years was perfect and any longer just awful blah blah blah. The 1st baby I lost this year would have been 2.2 years younger than DD.

I just feel like there's an elephant in the room while I wait for someone to ask. I'm trying to be more open with people about the mc as I do feel there's a bit of a stigma and its not discussed but I usually say that I don't want another dc just yet as I can't face telling the annoying people that we're having troubles.

Such a rude question. Even if meant well by older family members. They, particularly, don't realise it might be a sensitive and complicated question to answer. When I am feeling less than tolerant, I have found that a response along the lines of "Well, when you want to tell me about your own sex life, I will tell you about mine." But when I am feeling nicer, I might say "It isn't always that easy" and leave it at that.

Yanbu!

I don't mind people asking 'will you have a another?' But when I say no and explain my very valid reasons not too, I get told 'ah, you'll change your mind'

NO I WON'T. I feel like saying 'and how the fuck do you know that?' But I'm too polite

YANBU but having been in your situation myself I know how it feels. Those who have never had any trouble concieving often have no idea how much that question, however innocently asked can hurt. It is perfectly normal to feel this way and I feel for you very much . I make a point of never asking anyone about their plans for a family whether they have had one baby, or just got married, engaged or whatever. I don't think it's any of my business anyway.

I've lost count of the number of people I've lied to this time. I'm 26 weeks and only told people a few weeks ago, didn't see the point of everyone having to worry so I left it as close to 24 weeks and viability as I could.

Mil was not impressed, apparently she is always the last to know, utter crap she wasn't at all. I thought it would be less worry for everyone, You can't do right whatever you do it seems. However it's my body and I'll tell people when I choose to. I only told them when I did because I suddenly grew a bump that couldn't be hidden anymore!

I got asked if I was pregnant by a Sainsbury's cashier

ABSOLUTELY NOT! Never wearing that dress again, and actively avoid going to his till now. I'm sure he meant well but... jeez RUDE! (I told him it was not a baby but the giant ceaser salad I had just eaten in the cafe, thanks for asking.)

YANBU at all. Especially with your TTC (which we are not), I can see why it would strike a nerve.

I've found myself asking this question - sometimes it because I'm tired and not very good at small talk or in a situation where social demands require me to say something to keep conversation going and that's what has come out my mouth.

Other times because I think their opinion is worth having - and I'm thinking about our situation - and want to understand their decision making - so it can help me understand more and make more informed decisions. Talking to people about the choices and their impacts on them has informed our decision to have the number of DC we had and how we spaced them and what we considered when made these choices.

I think I?ve always asked at playgrounds and toddler groups partly as my social skills are fully tested in such informal situation and I?ve always known the person and seen how they are with their DC.

I?ve never judged an answer and never meant to upset anyone. Though I do get being asked constantly the same question on any topic grates ? I have experience of that ?and sometime it?s a very sensitive area.

I don't think "just making conversation" is a good enough excuse for being so rude. Just because you have a toddler in tow does not make it ok to pry into your intimate affairs.

If they use "number two" in their question, you could say, well "I had a number two this morning about half past eight, was a bit touch and go but that dulcoease stuff really does work its magic"

That should shut them up nicely.

I ask 'do you think you'll every have any more' - I'm not asking how often they have sex or the positions FFS or the type of contraceptive which I would count as an intimate question.

It is no bloody wonder people sit at toddler groups and stand at school gates not talking to each other if some people are so quick to get offended.

Honestly - a simple we don't know - or it's a painful topic and that it done with the option of then getting rude if the questioing persists.

Hex, I don't think it's the initial question that annoys people most, it's if the person then carries on asking personal questions like 'why not?' Or 'you need to get a move on if you want them to be close in age' etc

YANBU - this is my pet hate!! It is NOT an appropriate question to ask as small talk and is a total minefield as you really don't know what might be happening in people's lives

'Do you think you'll have more' IMO is much more tactful.

No assumption that you want/need more children, no time limit, easy to avoid giving an indepth answer to. It's about the parent's choice not the askers expectations.

SouthernComforts - well that I can totally get and I'm surprised people are commonly that insensitive - the odd individual I could believe.

I thought the OP was objecting to anyone asking that question - as she is being asked repeatedly by different people during the day.

I've had that happen to me on less painful subjects and when it was on a topic I wasn't happy about it got very annoying and on particular days I was asked I wanted to scream. What I did is what I suspect most people do was to be polite but change the subject ? and silently curse people?s unoriginality but accept they were trying to talk to me.

It is a difficult question.

I?ve seen a friend ask this question and get response ? I?ve just had a miscarriage ? and as my friend has just gone though her third in less than a year after having several DC with no problems it led to a long conversation about how they felt and what they?d gone through and a surprisingly large number of other women joined in with similar experiences.

I?ve also been asked about having more and when I turned the question back round was surprised to find she?d been lucky to have one through several rounds of IVF ? she was really asking about siblings and was her DC missing out ? and as I married a very happy successful well adjusted only DC who had a very happy childhood I hope I allayed concerns there.