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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think it's rude to ask a friend how much they earn or how much their house cost?

82 replies

Toffeeapple21 · 05/11/2012 20:34

A while ago a good friend asked how much I earn. I was taken back as I was brought up to believe you don't ask such questions. I didn't want to tell her as imagine I earn a lot more than she does and actually felt quite embarrassed. Also, I just don't consider it to be anyone else's business.

Also just moved house and lots of friends have hinted at how much house cost, although no one has asked outright. I know they could always look on Zoopla or Rightmove if they really want to find out.

AIBU to think its rude to ask these questions, or am I being a prude?

OP posts:
EscapeInTheCity · 06/11/2012 09:36

Agree about self employed people and entrepreneur.

With the added bonus that people mix how much you charge with how much you earn, which is obviously very different

BrandyAlexander · 06/11/2012 09:42

I think the key is in your last words of your post Escapeinthecity, if you earn more the assumption is that you are making judgments on people who earn less than you do and looking down on them.

WiseKneeHair · 06/11/2012 09:49

I earn more than most of my friends. I am sure they know that and there would be no need to be explicit about it.
I would find it embarrassing to be asked.

I agree that house prices are freely available on the Internet, so think yab-abut-U about that. In fact, when house hunting we tend to show the right move details around, so have the house price literally there in black and white.

EscapeInTheCity · 06/11/2012 09:55

Hold down, this isn't the case of someone who is earning a lot of money asking everyone around to be sure they earn less and be able to look down on people and think they are better.

The Op was asked a question. Why would you make the assumption that the person answering that question would then look down on you?
Why would you put yourself in this situation in the first place anyway? And would it really change the relationship you already have?

Do most people really think that they salary reflect their own worth? Is that common belief?

BrandyAlexander · 06/11/2012 10:33

I think I was looking at it from the perspective that people make assessments/judgments of what people earn so they might already have an idea in mind of what they were expecting to hear.

Anyone who thinks their income states what their worth is misguided, as you said, it just is what someone is prepared to pay for your expertise/skill/level etc. However, I genuinely don't think that most people are that rationale!

WorriedBetty · 06/11/2012 11:58

Its not as rational as all that you know! We have a culture where salary can easily be completely unrelated to your ability or worth - we recruit management grades disproportionately from only a few universities without accepting that they do not recruit on ability, but on income alone.

We have nothing like an 'IQ' rate where intelligence is guaranteed to be rewarded, or similar for capability. One can meet dazzingly brilliant people earning bugger all and the dullest of the dull incapables earning huge salaries.

There is no universal requirement for continuing professional development, the addressing of skill fade, or even ability requirements for different level jobs.

It is still more likely for example, that you can move from a company where well-motivated intelligent creative staff are paid £10k a year or less (internships alert!) to one where dull plodders with poor management skills and a will to screw customers are running failing, con-based businesses over and over again without utilising the potential or inherent qualities of their staff.

I have met recently people with similar background to me, similar knowledge, fewer language skills, participating less in professional development programmes and who are amazed that I know so much about an area I don't work in directly who are in senior positions, earning large amounts where I am not. I have also had experience of the other side, meeting people who are far more talented than me, better at handling people and highly creative and knowledgable who are earning very low wages on a dead end career path.

People are sadly not paid what they are worth, but some function of who works around them, what their expectations are, a localised view of the worth of knowledge, social factors like do I like them, do I fancy them, do they talk like me, and also the available money in that company and its motivational philosophy.

Sadly the poor consistency across the country means that we probably have as many untalented well-motivated and well-rewarded people as we have damaged, low self-esteem poorly rewarded people with exceptional talent.

The shame of our nation is that the management layer that needs to solve this problem are often the dullards who went to private school because their parents had money, not because of ability, went into a top university because of the application bias from private schools, not because of ability, got an accelerated overpaid graduate position because the employer thought that if they were recruiiting from 'top' universities they were getting the most able, proved to be ineffective, but weren't noticed as being such because the only other people for comparison were people who had been through the same biased recruiting programme.

laughtergoodmedicine · 06/11/2012 12:47

Toffee....Yes, rude to ask salary in our country. Americans more upfront.
A lolt of companies and BBC are said to have policy of not mentioning salary you are getting. I suppose it is because wages vary so much. From Minimum wage to 100 grand a week. (odd way to run a country.)

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