To think it's rude to ask a friend how much they earn or how much their house cost?

[Toffeeapple21]

A while ago a good friend asked how much I earn. I was taken back as I was brought up to believe you don't ask such questions. I didn't want to tell her as imagine I earn a lot more than she does and actually felt quite embarrassed. Also, I just don't consider it to be anyone else's business.

Also just moved house and lots of friends have hinted at how much house cost, although no one has asked outright. I know they could always look on Zoopla or Rightmove if they really want to find out.

AIBU to think its rude to ask these questions, or am I being a prude?

No YANBU about either questions.

We sometimes discuss that sort of thing but my friends volunteer the info and I don't ask. It's usually mentioned to make a point about what house they can afford etc ..

I would never ask someone how much they earn and I really don't care what anyone's house cost. A friend recently asked if I was on min wage as I take the train to work ( I live in Hampshire and work in the city, who drives to London?!)

House prices fair game. Salary, well you don't have to tell the truth eh?

The secrecy about salaries, I expect was started by employers. If everyone openly discussed their pay then everyone would be on the top rate for what they do.

In this society it isn't polite to ask. I think it is okay with Americans though. My American pal has no probs discussing salaries, bonuses and the like. Because it is so normal with her I divulge, I know she's not being rude.

My DH was frequently told by his manager at his old job he was the highest paid there, and he believed it. It was bullcrap. I kept telling him but he wouldn't listen to me. He changed jobs and is on a much more realistic rate for what he does.

I googled one of DD1's classmate's postcodes for directions when she was invited to a party at her house.

The first result was in huge bold numbers what they'd paid for the house they'd recently moved to. I imagine I wasn't the only parent who did the same.

I was slighly mortified for the mum, though don't really know why, these things are public record.

If its a good friend I don't think its that rude, as normally people are open with their friends. My friends know these things and im not bothered.
but if you hardly know them then yes its rude

I've always worked in the public sector (NHS) so people can fairly accurately work out my salary if they are so inclined - much the same as looking up house prices. Especially since we now use gradings in job titles a lot of the time.

FWIW. Me £35k, DH 18k, House 250k (2010)

YANBentirelyU as culturally we Brits are a bit closed about money. But it's just a cultural expectation - assuming the friends didn't intend to upset you, judge you or use the information against you - and not one I think is good for us as a society. Lack of knowledge about real costs and incomes leaves people vulnerable to making poorly informed decisions and helps perpetuate inequalities.

Talking about Americans and salaries, my cousin worked in the US for 2 years and was gob smacked when his date asked him what he earned! He said it seems quite normal to ask over there, presumably to see if you fit your dates expectations! He was binned off straight away by one woman when he said he would rather not discuss it!

I think amongst colleagues salary disclosure is a good thing because it leads to less inequality. My workplace publishes salary bands for every grade so it gives an indication of where you are in the band. Amongst friends (not in the workplace) its just weird!

Loving the poster who lives in a £500K house - classic.

We are soon to be in a similar position with money being passed down the family so will hopefully be living mortgage free in 450-500K property and earnings £40K & £55K can't wait.

I wonder maybe people will ask how we did it? r just be a bit

The result of a culture that keeps salaries secret is one where people are more controllable and exploitable by businesses and more in thrall to the lending by banks. Its not a surprise that in areas of a business where salaries are publishable (directors) salaries increase massively out of proportion to rises elsewhere.

If you keep pay grades secret too, you end up with that organisational culture that we all recognise - the bitter elderly worker who is still on a shit paygrade despite seemingly having side responsibility, people doing the same job with one person seemingly more happy, more motivated, and more content at work having better holidays and coming back more refreshed, whilst others are tired, stressed and pissed off and in debt (effectively financing the business with personal borrowing whilst others are making spare money in the same situation).

Of course management will cover this up by blaming individuals, and the individuals with worse deals will assume that everyone else must be borrowing to keep their lifestyles comfortable, and end up in debt - effectively reducing their salary and making their own money more expensive in the process.

It is your duty to share salary information with your friends so that you can garner support, motivate those who are getting shafted by their employer and so you, as a group, can push your lifestyle upwards.

If you are fighting amongst your friends for one-upmanship then you are misunderstanding the game.

It is your duty to share salary information with your friends so that you can garner support, motivate those who are getting shafted by their employer and so you, as a group, can push your lifestyle upwards.

I remember an old colleague of mine from 20 years ago saying almost the same thing to me. I agree with it, but I'm still uncomfortable discussing it with most people. happily have said on here though where nobody knows me

Also fyi I worked for a manager who claimed I was on a better deal than he was because he was at the top of his grade and had no payrise to look forward to each year. He said similar at a meeting. Openness amongst the staff after that produced gasps at some people's grades. He had been claiming that he was managing a team of junior staff in order to add the management pay to his own, whilst expecting all his staff to be autonomous, self managing and direct reports to the head of department. Needless to say he fired the person who was prepared to whistle blow on this and his use of expenses to pay for loads of computer equipment for his family.

...around the same time another colleage and I were discussing our respective salaries while boozy. At the time I was on £12.5k p/a with bonuses and overtime taking me to (at the time) a massive £20k and she doing the same admin type job was on under £7k with O/T getting her to maybe £10k.

*colleague

Oh also in that situation the person he used to use to show how some people 'had the right attitude' was getting paid £18.5 K more for handling 30 clients, had 6 weeks minimum of holiday a year (classed as 'academic grade').

A colleague of hers looking after 180 clients, which she had grown from 60 clients over four years (increase 300% or 100% per year) was earning £20k per year.

My approximate income is released in the public domain each year. It is uncomfortable, so I generally only tell very close friends what I do. People generally don't find it inspiring or motivational at all. As we see every day on mumsnet they make huge judgments..

OP what I don't get is that you seem to be feeling embarrassed because you probably earn more than her.

Since when is it embarrassing to earn more money than someone else?

Escapeinthecity, why wouldn't it be embarrassing?

Yabu

People who think it's rude are probably the same people who publish job adverts without a salary

Only possible reason for secrecy is to avoid a level playing field

(22k, 101k)

I would think it fine to ask a self employed friend or a freelancer how much they charged (but probably not how much they'd made over the year).

People ask me all the time how much I make from my writing.

I have a friend who likes talking about earnings, I'll call him Bob. He want to know how much his friends earned and on one occasion, after a few drinks they told him...and then he got the hump because they earned more than him, one considerably more.

So is it really worth it? And as people have said, you can find out v easily houses prices.

Because what you are earning isn't a reflection on how 'good' you are as a person. It's not boasting. It's just a reflection on how much people are paid to do that job.

Factual question , factual answer.

Of course would very different if the person wasn't asking the question or if it was used as a way to put someone down etc...