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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset and angry that DH is 'poking' his ex?

21 replies

Mayanala · 05/11/2012 18:56

I'm 8 months pregnant with our first child and we have just got married although been together for 8 years.

DH had an on/off thing with a girl from when he was a teenager to just before we got together, she is now married with children but they still 'poke' each other on f/b and I'm embarrassed to admit I read some emails (they don;t email often) and it was reminiscing about old times...

I'm a bit upset by this, aibu?

OP posts:
lurkedtoolong · 05/11/2012 18:58

I've been married 9 years and have poked old boyfriends on Facebook, it means absolutely nothing. I wouldn't worry about it at all.

TidyDancer · 05/11/2012 19:00

Personally, I think YABU. Staying in touch and being friendly with exes is quite common.

What is it about it that bothers you? Do you trust your DH?

Iggly · 05/11/2012 19:00

I'd be annoyed. YANBU

But would not be reading his emails. Wtf?

Original poster
Mayanala · 05/11/2012 19:02

It's more that they were so on/off for such a long time and I just think they will always have 'unfinished business'.

He doesn't 'poke' his mates so why his ex gf?

OP posts:
Sprite21 · 05/11/2012 19:04

I'd be annoyed. The tone of poking just feels a bit flirtatious. Plus at 8 months pregnant you feel a bit vulnerable and hormonal so he should be more considerate about it. However, I think YABU about reading his emails. That's not fair.

TidyDancer · 05/11/2012 19:05

If you really think there is unfinished business, you need to discuss this with DH. Getting annoyed about pokes and reading his emails is not the way to go about dealing with this.

On the face of things, you are definitely the unreasonable one. Only you can settle whether or not there is a reason for you to be that way.

Ohhelpohnoitsa · 05/11/2012 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoveInAColdClimate · 05/11/2012 19:06

You're 8 months pregnant. You are entitled to be as unreasonable as you like!

missymoomoomee · 05/11/2012 19:06

Its clicking the button at the side of a screen. What do you think is going to happen from doing that? Why are you reading his emails? Thats a total breech of trust imo. Are you not in touch with any ex boyfriends?

Original poster
Mayanala · 05/11/2012 19:14

It seemed to me he is flirting with his ex, which I know realise he is. That is why I read the emails from/to her

OP posts:
Icelollycraving · 05/11/2012 19:15

Yanbu. I would not like it,irrational or not.

ENormaSnob · 05/11/2012 19:20

Yanbu

TidyDancer · 05/11/2012 19:21

Ohhelpohnoitsa - I feel very sad for you, what a tragic and shortsighted perspective.

OP, it is not the fact that your DH is friends with his ex that is the problem. It is the fact that you don't trust him. These are two seperate issues.

Jemma1111 · 05/11/2012 19:23

Yanbu

How would he like it if you were 'poking' an ex I wonder?
Don't say anything to him about how you feel as yet, if you can, just keep an eye on him and hopefully you will see its probably innocent

CajaDeLaMemoria · 05/11/2012 19:24

There is two issues here.

The poking is one. If she's the only person he pokes, than I can see that you could find it upsetting. Then again, if she poked him first, you just click one button to poke back and end up in some kind of years-long poking chain.

The emails are different. He won't be happy that you've read them, and it's an odd thing to do - it suggests big trust issues - but if they have been reminiscing then you will have to mention it before it grows into something bigger in your mind.

Then make him change him password and never look again. Honestly, it can't come to anything good. If you don't find anything, you won't be relieved - you'll think he's deleting things, hiding things, or is using a different email address. You'll need to check his phone, his pockets, his workbag. The suspicious mind never rests.

Mousefunk · 05/11/2012 19:29

Yanbu at all. In my opinion an ex should be just that- an ex, an ex part of your life and should stay in the past (unless dcs involved obv). I would be furious if it were my DH, particularly when heavily pg. Its just a no-no in my eyes.

Ohhelpohnoitsa · 05/11/2012 19:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TidyDancer · 05/11/2012 19:36

I'm not right about what? That you're shortsighted or it's a tragic perspective? Neither one of those is disproved by your example.

I just feel very sad for you that you have such a reasoning. It smacks of distrust.

Some exes shouldn't stay in touch with each other, but to write them all off? How silly.

thebody · 05/11/2012 19:47

Hi op, no you arnt being unreasonable.

If she's his friend on Facebook then send her a friend request, chat to her, introduce yourself, make your presence known as his new and pregnant WIFE.

This may warn her and focus her mind on who you are and how the situation had changed re her and your dh.

Also if needed get to know her dh!

I am sure it's innocent but its always best to cover your bases.

Best of luck with baby.

Fairylea · 05/11/2012 19:58

Yanbu. Myself and dh have blocked all of our exes on fb. I don't want to be friends with any of my exes and after my ex dh left me for an ex of his he found on fb after being married to me for 7 years I am quite against contacting exes on fb.

I would be very upset. I know my dh would be too.

MammaTJ · 05/11/2012 20:25

So he know you read the email from/to him? Then there is no problem.

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