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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say I love you 4 months into a relationship

58 replies

Notalone · 05/11/2012 18:22

Been with someone for just over 4 months now. Was my second internet date so wasn't expecting to meet someone so soon and it really took me by surprise. He isn't my usual type and never tells me how he feels ever but shows me in practical and physical ways eg he holds me all night when he stays over, he cleaned up after my dog when he was hideously sick, has fixed loads of things round my house, drives me to work everytime he stays despite me working in the community which means he often drives miles out of his way etc. I feel so happy when I am with him and a bit empty when I am not and really think I am falling in love with him.

Trouble is I don't know what he will say if I say it, but I don't think he will ever say it first. Also without outing myself too much he achieved something really huge this weekend and has become quite well known in the area / filed he achieved it in as a result. He has already had lots of people, women included suddenly coming out of the woodwork when previously they never spoke to him and I don't want him to think I am only saying it because of this. But for the past few weeks I have really had to bite my tongue so I don't blurt it out.

So my question is, do I say it and if I do (in a few weeks bviously when this whole thing has died down a bit) do I say I have something to tell him or do I just slip it into conversation casually.

Oh and no laughing at me. I have only been in 2 relationships in my life, one for 15 years and another for a year so this is almost totally new to me. Thank you

OP posts:

Original poster

Notalone · 05/11/2012 18:24

Gah - spelling. Field he achieved it in, not filed and obviously no bviously

OP posts:

EllenParsons · 05/11/2012 18:30

YANBU, I don't think 4 mo is too early and he sounds lovely. Go for it.

EllenParsons · 05/11/2012 18:30

And I would say t casually rather thn a big announcement personally

Badleg · 05/11/2012 18:33

I told my now husband I loved him really early on in relationship. He moved in really quickly too. It worked for us. I felt he was my soul mate and wanted to be with him. We have been together nearly 4 years and married for just over 1.

It worked for me and it felt right to say it although i recall i was very nervous beforehand and I was first to say it but he told me quite quickly that he loved me back.

Badleg · 05/11/2012 18:33

I also said it casually murmured in bed having a cuddle as I recall

ByTheWay1 · 05/11/2012 18:35

my hubby said he loved me after 2 dates - 14 years ago.... so no 4 months isn't too soon..

Dogsmom · 05/11/2012 18:36

Tell him

My husband told me within a week, moved in after 3 and we're still madly in love 9 years later, when you know you know.

From what you have said about him he loves you too.

RuleBritannia · 05/11/2012 18:38

If you're a bit shy of telling him that you love him, you could begin by saying how much you appreciate what he does for you, how you love a particular meal that he cooks or you love the way he holds you at night. See what his reaction is and he might come out with it first.

Original poster

Notalone · 05/11/2012 18:43

So not too soon then. I just don't want to scare him off because he is very lovely and I will kick myself if I do.

dogsmum I really hope you are right

RuleBritannia I have done this already. For example I told him how happy I was he had made the effort to come over after a full on day playing sports miles away, then dropping his mates off which meant he didn't get to me til 11.30pm, and last night I said that I was really glad I had met him He just hugs me and says I know you are / know you do. Which in one way makes me smile but in another way frustrates the hell out of me because I want him to say it back.

OP posts:

Softlysoftly · 05/11/2012 18:49

I moved in with DH on our first kiss (uni halls) said I love you a month later, here we are 16 years later.

God that sounds ages, my point is if you know you know and I would always be straight there are no "rules" follow your heart and hope for the best.

But yy no big announcement just let it come out naturally.

emsyj · 05/11/2012 18:50

Blimey, if I was seeing someone who said 'I know you are' when I told him that I was glad I met him, I would have the serious hump and be looking elsewhere!! He isn't saying it back because he doesn't feel it.

I wouldn't say it - you know what the response would be: 'I know you do' . Not great for the ego, and sounds like you maybe like him more than he likes you?

Did he actually come to you at 11.30pm as a, ahem, booty call (rather than 'very thoughtful absolutely couldn't wait to see you' exercise?)

Original poster

Notalone · 05/11/2012 19:01

Emsy - I have questioned that myself very early on in the relationship because we got into the sex bit quite quickly but he re-assured me that it isn't just about sex and that he does see me as a long term relationship. I think he is naturally v cautious because he has not had great experiences in the past. He was with the mother of his children for 20 years and she ended up telling she wasn't happy and was leaving after she had found a house and a few days before she was due to move in, and his previous ex from the internet started talking about wanting children with him after 5 months and gave him an ultimatum, either give her a child or she will be getting pg by someone else because she was 39 and time was running out. I always knew with him I would need to take it slowly but now I want him to tell me how he feels. I feel how he feels if that makes sense by the way he looks at me and the way he is with me, but I need to hear it too.

OP posts:

maddening · 05/11/2012 19:04

You could say that you love being with him and gauge his response?

mrscynical · 05/11/2012 19:15

Once many years ago, after some great sex, I told a fairly newish boyfriend that I 'adored' him. He then told me that he 'loved' me.

We finished six months later but it was good to hear at the time.

I have used it since and it always works.

Worth a try perhaps?

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 05/11/2012 19:22

If you are saying 'I'm really glad I met you' and all he is saying is 'I know you are', then no, I would not be saying I love you. He's not (yet?) as into you as you are into him - you need to give this time to grow.

balotelli · 05/11/2012 19:25

tlod my then gf 'i love you' after 3 weeks........ 13 years later, married for 12 and one wonderful dd.

I think you have waited long enough!

Go 4 it and good luck.

AThingInYourLife · 05/11/2012 19:30

"last night I said that I was really glad I had met him He just hugs me and says I know you are / know you do."

Don't tell this man you love him.

He already knows you do, and doesn't reciprocate. For now at least.

As for his 39 year old ex, and you know knowing you have to take it slowly with him

Why does he get to set the pace?

Original poster

Notalone · 05/11/2012 19:32

Hope this isn't classed as drip feeding, but he has briefely introduced me to his kids despite saying that he is reluctant to do so again after the 2 previous gf's who met them didn't work out. He is so difficult to figure out. He shows me with his actions all the time, is always happy to hear from me when I call him and can be incredibly thoughtful. Some of my friends have partners of years who rarely / never say it which fills me with dread because I like to hear the words, but I worry he may never say them unless I do first. But I also don't want to hear, "I know you do" if I say it first either

OP posts:

laurenamium · 05/11/2012 19:42

I would hold off, I've been with my boyfriend a similar amount of time and I know he would freak out if I said I loved him.

Make sure he feels it too otherwise it could ruin the relationship!

nkf · 05/11/2012 19:49

I'd let him say it first.

degutastic · 05/11/2012 19:49

I'm surprised at the number of people reacting so shocked to the "I know you are" statements. I wouldn't be concerned about that if it's said in a jokey, light hearted way. I know a lot of guys who would respond like this even though they feel the same way and are just as into their partners. It all depends on how it's said. Mind you, if it's a cocky "I know you are" with smug "I'm awesome" undertones, it's a different matter.

I won't offer advice because my relationship experience and knowledge is shockingly poor, but I will say good luck either way!

nkf · 05/11/2012 19:52

It's a bit unequal though. I think a hug and a "I think you're great too" would feel better. But what do I know? Previously, I was of the get pissed and slur endearments down the chap's neck persuasion. And now I haven't said it to someone for years.

Teapot13 · 05/11/2012 20:01

I don't think you have much to lose -- if the relationship is on track to be a great love affair, it won't be ruined by saying "I love you" too soon. And if he doesn't love you, you'll find out sooner.

Original poster

Notalone · 05/11/2012 20:14

The "I know you are" comments are said in an affectionate way rather than a cocky arrogant way, but sometimes I just think fgs, how hard can it be to say you too or whatever? I think Teapot is right to an extent - better to find out now than waste time I guess but I do think with this man that once (or if) he falls then he will be very loyal and loving, and that he is just the sort of person that needs time. He was like this when we first agreed to be in a relationship and it was a bloody painful at times waiting for him to agree that yes we were in a relationship without coming across as needy and clingy. Now he tells everyone I am his girlfriend and has introduced me to his dad, mum, sister and friends too as his girlfriend. A couple months ago I couldn't imagine we would get to this stage and I am hoping that in a few more months I will be laughing at the angst caused over three seemingly simple bloody words

OP posts:

ninah · 05/11/2012 20:17

nfk are you me?

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