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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say I love you 4 months into a relationship

58 replies

Notalone · 05/11/2012 18:22

Been with someone for just over 4 months now. Was my second internet date so wasn't expecting to meet someone so soon and it really took me by surprise. He isn't my usual type and never tells me how he feels ever but shows me in practical and physical ways eg he holds me all night when he stays over, he cleaned up after my dog when he was hideously sick, has fixed loads of things round my house, drives me to work everytime he stays despite me working in the community which means he often drives miles out of his way etc. I feel so happy when I am with him and a bit empty when I am not and really think I am falling in love with him.

Trouble is I don't know what he will say if I say it, but I don't think he will ever say it first. Also without outing myself too much he achieved something really huge this weekend and has become quite well known in the area / filed he achieved it in as a result. He has already had lots of people, women included suddenly coming out of the woodwork when previously they never spoke to him and I don't want him to think I am only saying it because of this. But for the past few weeks I have really had to bite my tongue so I don't blurt it out.

So my question is, do I say it and if I do (in a few weeks bviously when this whole thing has died down a bit) do I say I have something to tell him or do I just slip it into conversation casually.

Oh and no laughing at me. I have only been in 2 relationships in my life, one for 15 years and another for a year so this is almost totally new to me. Thank you

OP posts:

emsyj · 05/11/2012 20:22

"He is so difficult to figure out."

This is a clear indicator that he isn't giving you clear 'I really really like you and am loving this relationship developing' signals. Hold off, or you risk ending up feeling (a) hurt that he hasn't/won't say it back and (b) annoyed that you have exposed everything of yourself when he is keeping a lot very guarded.

I don't think 4 months is 'too early' categorically - DH told me he loved me on our 3rd date (although I didn't take him very seriously as he was quite drunk!) He hasn't stopped saying it - be wary of comparing your relationships with your friends' relationships and thinking, 'oh this is good because it's better than X's crappy relationship with her DP'. Focus more on whether he and the relationship as a whole are working for you - it doesn't matter what other people are doing/putting up with. You never really know what goes on in someone else's relationship anyway, so take their tales of joy/woe with a heap of salt.

showtunesgirl · 05/11/2012 20:26

I'm not sure there are ever any "rules" as to when it's the right time. Also I'm of the opinion that if you feel it, you should say it. If it's not meant to be, then it's not meant to be.

DH told me he loved me six days after we started seeing each other and here we are 13 years later.

Original poster

Notalone · 05/11/2012 21:25

Well a real mixed bag of tell him don't tell him. I still don't really know what I am going to do yet but I know I would kick myself if I ruined things between us by saying it too early. It kills me feeling like I do and wanting him to say it first but I know he needs to take things slowly. I know someone questionned why should he set the pace of the relationship but I truly believe any relationship has to go at the pace of the slowest person and that you can't rush things if one person isn't truly ready. I just hope one day he will be and feels comfortable talking to me about his emotions

OP posts:

lovebunny · 05/11/2012 21:44

if you want him to know, tell him.

ninah · 05/11/2012 21:45

Do you want to say it? or hear it?

HoratiaWinwood · 05/11/2012 21:48

Good luck OP. I was wearing a ring after four months so I don't think it's too fast to use the L word.

GockandJuice · 05/11/2012 21:53

Coming from the other side of it, me being in the opposite situation to you, I think you should. My current partner said I love you after 3 months and all though I didn't say it back, it did mean a huge amount to me. I think there is no rule, you say it when you feel it, yes you may have doubts but at the end of the day, it's the way you feel and let's face it, who doesn't like hearing that they are loved?

Jinsei · 05/11/2012 22:00

I agree with teapot - if the relationship has a future, it doesn't matter if you say it too early. DH said it to me very soon after we met - perhaps after a week or so - and I found it weird at the time. I wondered how he could love me when he still hardly knew me, and I didn't say it back. For a long time, he'd say it to me, and I wouldn't reciprocate as I wasn't ready to say those words. 17 years later, and neither of us say it very much, but we mean it when we do. :)

BelleJolie · 05/11/2012 22:08

What teapot said... If it's meant to be, saying I love you too early won't ruin it.

Anskabel · 05/11/2012 22:33

My DP told me he loved me less than a week into our relationship and I said it right back because I truly meant it. 18 months on it's clear that we were right to throw caution to the wind because we're still incredibly happy and have built a wonderful life together.

At around the same time I met my DP, my friend began a relationship with a kind, respectful and reliable man. Their situation reminds me a lot of yours. 4 months into the relationship she had completely fallen for him and wanted to tell him, but she was scared of rejection and hoped he would say it first. She is generally a very secure person and felt, like your man, that he showed her he loved her through his actions, so she left it...and several months later he STILL hadn't uttered that four letter word.

8 months into the relationship, 'I love you' slipped out of her mouth when she was half asleep one night - it wasn't a conscious decision to say it, but clearly it had been bugging her for ages. His reaction? At first he was quite surprised - it hadn't even crossed his mind to say it! Not because he didn't love her "of course I love you!" he said - just that he thought this was implied through his actions and to articulate this would be somewhat saccharine and cheesy (yep, he is definitely more of a bloke's bloke than my DP!) Anyway, after he realised how important it was for her to hear those words, he made a point of telling her more often (admittedly not numerous times a day, like my DP and I do, but different stokes for different folks) 18 months on they are still happily together too.

So...my advice would be: just slip it into conversation. He probably feels the same but just hasn't said it yet because a) like my friend's man it doesn't know how much you want to hear it, or b) he has his guard up because of the past and needs some coaxing. YANBU!! 4 months is more than long enough in my opinion. If he doesn't love you by now he probably never will (although I seriously doubt this scenario), so at least you will know and you can move on. Good luck :-)

Original poster

Notalone · 06/11/2012 16:00

Thank you everyone for your posts. I need to wait a few weeks anyway for things to die down a bit after this weekend. He is quite rightly on a complete high at the moment and I don't want this week to be about me at all and also I don't want him to think I am saying it because of what he has just done rather than because of my feeling iykwim

anskabel - My situation sounds a lot like your friends for sure. I bet the relief was immense for her. I just hope when I do say it I don't get another "I know you do" because I won't know where to go from there

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 06/11/2012 16:11

Noooooooooo don't do it!

SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 06/11/2012 16:39

Ah, I'm a bit traditional and would wait for him to say it first but I don't think it's too soon. DH and I were dating for only 6 weeks before we got engaged, married 5 months after that and have now been married for 4 years, picking up a mortgage and 2 DC on the way :)

DaveMccave · 06/11/2012 20:14

I have said 'I know you are' to my boyfriend a few times. I definitely love him. He is just really really expressive and enthusiastic and I don't know, I don't need to say it back each and every time he says it because I prefer to say it independently? If you understand? He knows I love him though, I just don't want us saying 'I love you too' 'I'm glad I met you too' etc too often.

I waited 8 months to say it to him which judging by forums I'm lead to believe is a really long time. He actually said it first a few times, but he always said it during sex and I didn't count that...He says quite a lot of things during sex and I don't. We were kissing, outside a party and he was telling me how glad he was he still fancied me because he'd never really fancied any of his exes after the first few months and he wouldn't shut up about it. And when I said it he said 'what did you say?' 3 times, and then he said 'I love you too, I've told you loads!' and we've been together a year now and haven't really lost that newness, I think because of waiting.

I wanted to wait, because I think it's more exciting when you haven't said it. I think it's nice to show the other person you love them before saying it, with eye contact and touch and by knowing how much you miss each other. I didn't want that to be replaced by mundane 'I love you's'. It hasn't so far admittedly, but we don't throw it around too often yet. I think it takes a while to get comfortable with it.

In previous relationships I can't remember saying it for the first time, or worrying about it, or waiting, it was definitely early on and wasn't special. I like that we waited. Does he show he loves you with things like sex changing to making love,really long eye contact, not wanting to leave etc? I definitely could have handled it if my boyfriend said it a couple of months earlier, but if it had been several months earlier, I may well have freaked. Not because my feelings weren't sincere, but I wasn't ready. I needed to be impatient to say it to be more secure.

trinitybleu · 06/11/2012 20:22

OH said (well, wrote it in a letter) after a week. I waited a month or so to say it back (mad really, I did straight away but was young and scared!) 17 years later we're still together. If you feel it, say it.

parakeet · 06/11/2012 21:08

Say it during sex?

squoosh · 06/11/2012 21:35

I'd wait a while to be honest.

Am I the only one wondering who he is and what has brought him acclaim?

ImperialBlether · 06/11/2012 22:21

I've said it first and I've heard it first and it was definitely better being told it first.

I don't think he's ready to hear it. He's giving you jokey answers when you try to get near the subject.

Personally I would wait.

ImperialBlether · 06/11/2012 22:22

And I don't think it does them any harm to wonder whether you love them or to wonder whether you're serious about them.

TENDTOprocrastinate · 06/11/2012 22:37

Wait for him to say it. There is nothing wrong with fast moving relationships. But let him feel in control. There is nothing worse than sounding needy/desperate. (This may sound sexist- but hey- men like to think they are in control)

Disclaimer- over generalising

If he loves you- he'll say it soon.

Thamesmead · 06/11/2012 22:52

Ultimately, if you're second guessing yourself all the time (should I say this/that, why is he being this way, etc etc) you're not being yourself. And if you cant be yourslef now, youre not really setting this up for success long term. Either ask him questions about the things you're wondering about so you're comfortable (and being yourself) or do what you like. If you're the kind of person who does X, and you're not because you're worried you'll drive him away, at what point do you let your needs and wants take priority over whether or not you'll drive him away?

There is no set right amount of time to tell someone you love them. Ever. If you love them, tell them. That can't be wrong as love is a good thing and good things should be shared. If they run screaming into the night it is better to know sooner rather than later.

Personally, even if they don't love you, I think any guy who runs screaming into the night and can't be mature when you do say it isn't someone you want to envision a future with anyway.

Lots of people's real concern in saying "I love you" is whether or not the other person says it back. When you think about it, that's kind of manipulative. If you love them, say it. Then don't dwell on whether or not they say it back and what that means or could mean or might mean or how many seconds it was and what that means and so on. You should be the loving person you are, and a huge part of that is letting them express their love in the ways and times or not that is comfortable for them as well.

Badgersnatch · 06/11/2012 23:49

Am I the only one wondering who he is and what has brought him acclaim?

No I've been following this in the hope of finding out.

squoosh · 06/11/2012 23:57

Maybe he's that fella who jumped out of space ............or maybe he grew a prize marrow.

squoosh · 07/11/2012 00:03

It might be Obama or Romney so I can see why she needs to keep it on the down low for the time being.

wednesdaygirl · 07/11/2012 00:13

My first boyfriend i had i said i loved him after only 2mths and we had moved in together after 3mths (we both lived with our parents so rented a house together) 18yrs later were still loved up

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