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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to tell DM where to shove her scarf

91 replies

Flojo1979 · 04/11/2012 18:35

Fell out with DM yesterday. She's been in a bad mood all week, she also looked after my DS all wk whilst half term.
I text DM yesterday asking if he had done his homework and since he hadn't it turned in to DM playing the martyr (which I told her). I said no worries re homework was just checking. She replied I'm sorry I wasn't good enough, I tried my best, u should have given clearer instructions. Well I'd finally had enough and told her to stop making everything about her and stop being a martyr.
I haven't apologise and I don't think I should. But I went to a charity event where they were selling scarfs. DM likes scarves so I bought her one and gave it her as a peace offering I guess, DF took it off me at door as DC in car.
DM just text 'thanks for scarf but its not really me'.

OP posts:

MrsWolowitz · 04/11/2012 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pagwatch · 04/11/2012 20:13

No. The fact that you have provided free child are means that you have done something that was significant, kind and kind to my child.
So I measure my irritation. As people with manners should.

Bogeyface · 04/11/2012 20:16

Why didnt she want DD?

If there is a favourite child then I would have said no in the first place, and I would definitely be saying no to her "kind offer" in future. It sounds like far more trouble than its worth.

Oh, and I shall say a couple more things, with my tongue firmly wedge in my cheek, just incase anyone is waiting for a full house........

Homework supervision is your job, you should not be abdicating responsibility onto your parents because you cant be bothered!

You should be grateful that your parents want to see them/are alive/dont beat them with sticks/have fun instead of focussing on homework/allow themselves to be used and abused by you.

:o :o

Bogeyface · 04/11/2012 20:18

Mrs I dont think the OP is BU at all. As the daughter of someone who makes a fuss about "helping" and takes great offence if you refuse it, but is a martyr who is "taken for granted" if you say yes, I fully sympathise!

rainbowinthesky · 04/11/2012 20:18

"They didn't do me a favour". And their is your issue. They did you a massive favour yet you can't or won't see it. If your dm sensed this attitude no wonder she is annoyed.

rainbowinthesky · 04/11/2012 20:19

There not their

Bogeyface · 04/11/2012 20:27

But rainbow they didnt do the OP a massive favour!

They wanted their adored GS for 4 mornings in a week, when the OP would have found it easier to have him at the holiday club. She did THEM the favour by saying yes!

allnewtaketwo · 04/11/2012 20:28

If she's always a martyr, criticises your parenting and sulks, let alone treats your DS differently from DD, then it does rather beg the question why you left DS in her care all week, regardless whether she offered or not. How did you actually think it was going to pan out given the background?

Original poster

Flojo1979 · 04/11/2012 20:44

Those who keep saying 'free childcare' it wasnt free, with DM there is always a price! (Also as a single working mother tax credits would have helped out and lunch probably cost more, but let's not split hairs).
The main point is, my DM is a giant pain in the backside, always has been, and I finally told her though not in so many words. Yes i was probably BU to think that it would help in some way and not make things worse.
Those who think I should call her, thankyou for your advice but no, I won't, because that's exactly what she expects. She gives the sulky silent treatment and I pander to it, well not today. I'd only make it worse.

OP posts:

Original poster

Flojo1979 · 04/11/2012 20:47

Yes she treats my DCs differently, I can't quite work that one out. My DCs are different so maybe that's just it or maybe there's more. I'm hoping it was just PFB syndrome and with DC2 she is just a bit busy. In some ways I never forgave her for telling me I shouldn't have had DC2.

OP posts:

allnewtaketwo · 04/11/2012 21:03

She told you that you shouldnt have had DD, she treats them differently and criticises you, yet you trust her and her judgement sufficiently to let her look after DS for a whole week when, at your own admission, he would have had a better time at holiday club? None of that makes any sense

Bogeyface · 04/11/2012 21:10

I wouldnt let her have your DS on his own if it is her deliberately ignoring your DD.

Original poster

Flojo1979 · 04/11/2012 21:15

I see my DPs several times a week, I'm quite lonely so I guess I rely on their companionship a lot.
She treats them differently yes, but they are different. DS is so calm and happy and DD, well she's 3, to me she is a typical 3 yr old girl, to DM she is hard work, and a boss little madam. DM doesn't realise that when I moan that DD has been playing ion and kept me up all night its ok but when anyone else tells me my DD is a ratbag then it really grates.
And grates a lot more when she told me I shouldn't have had her.

OP posts:

allnewtaketwo · 04/11/2012 21:18

It sounds to me, from your posts, that your mother is somewhat emotionally abusive and that there unhealthy codependency going on here. I think you need to do something about this hold she has over you.

Original poster

Flojo1979 · 04/11/2012 21:21

Long story short, my brother, the blue eyed boy, happily married, TTC, IVF etc. Me the single parent 'knocked up' again. DM words it shouldn't have been u it should have been (bro). And the silent treatment for 9 months.
DC1 'these things happen' and lots of support. DC2 'the first time is a mistake the second time is bloody stupid'.
Don't get me wrong, once DD arrived via CS she let us say for a few days, albeit 'i can't help u with anything, u have to do everything, because u need to cope on your own next wk'!!
But when all's said and done, she's my mum, I love her, she'll not change!

OP posts:

allnewtaketwo · 04/11/2012 21:26

Well then if you're happy to let her continue to treat you like this because she's your mum, then you can't really complain when she simply repeats the behaviours you've seen before. Sorry, but either do something about it (ie. reduce your codependency) or put up with it

Original poster

Flojo1979 · 04/11/2012 21:28

I thought I was doing something by telling her she was a martyr!

OP posts:

allnewtaketwo · 04/11/2012 21:33

No, you're not doing something by saying that, you're simply arguing like teenagers.

It sounds like you were the less preferred child (compared to your brother) and now you're allowing your mother to again "prefer" your DS over your DD. Do you really want this for DD? Why are you colluding with you mother in enabling her to do this?

If you want help you need to get across to the relationships board, there are lots of posters over there who can help you understand your relationship with your mother.

Original poster

Flojo1979 · 04/11/2012 21:37

Thanx, I fear I've got a little side tracked by dredging everything up. I guess that's the trouble, my hackles rose and all the bad bits creep in and I conveniently forgot all the good nice kind things DM has done too.

OP posts:

allnewtaketwo · 04/11/2012 21:41

Hmmm, she does sound very emotionally controlling, more and more. Good luck with that. I think you should seek out some support in recognising patterns of behaviour in your relationship with her, but it doesn't sound like you see it yet....

BooBumpDaddyandMe · 04/11/2012 21:48

YADNBU
It's not free childcare you are being provided with it's GP spending time with their GC out of love and a sense of family. If they felt obliged or guilt tripped into taking GC for the holidays fair enough but from what you said they offered & presumably you would have left a few instructions/guidelines which simply make you a responsible parent.
I think your Mum sounds like she's hard work & that you snapped over something relatively small but not unimportant. Sounds too like she'll have a bit of a sulk & the cycle will start again?

cumfy · 04/11/2012 22:30

So what exactly happened when you found out DS had not done homework and what age is DS ?

Original poster

Flojo1979 · 04/11/2012 22:56

I replied 'no worries, thought I'd best check since I can't seem to get a straight answer out of DS'

I then asked DS why he hadn't done what I asked and replied its the holidays and he wanted to play scrabble, I said fair enough and gave DS some paper and a pen and told him he'd best crack on and do it now then.

I'm the meantime DM text 'I don't know why DS has got so much homework, Mrs Jones from next door is here and her GS didn't have much to do. Maybe u got it wrong'.
Hence me thinking she only had DS to keep up with Mrs Jones.

OP posts:

Original poster

Flojo1979 · 04/11/2012 22:59

Basically he had to practice his times tables.
Teacher wanted him to write them out at least 4 times over the holidays.
DM did them verbally. So when I asked DS had he done his homework he replied yes, when I looked in his bag from GPs, nothing there. Hence text to DM to enquire.

OP posts:

nokidshere · 04/11/2012 23:01

See I would have simply texted her back about the scarf and said "oh that's a shame I thought you would like it. Never mind, perhaps you can pass it on to soeome else"

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