to tell DM where to shove her scarf

[Flojo1979]

Fell out with DM yesterday. She's been in a bad mood all week, she also looked after my DS all wk whilst half term.
I text DM yesterday asking if he had done his homework and since he hadn't it turned in to DM playing the martyr (which I told her). I said no worries re homework was just checking. She replied I'm sorry I wasn't good enough, I tried my best, u should have given clearer instructions. Well I'd finally had enough and told her to stop making everything about her and stop being a martyr.
I haven't apologise and I don't think I should. But I went to a charity event where they were selling scarfs. DM likes scarves so I bought her one and gave it her as a peace offering I guess, DF took it off me at door as DC in car.
DM just text 'thanks for scarf but its not really me'.

This whole "free childcare/unpaid childminder" things is bollocks!

The OP has said that her son could have gone to holiday club but her parents offered and wanted to look after him and she took them out to thank them!

If I rang my mum and asked the same question she would say "oh no, sorry, was he supposed to?" and I would say "Well he knows he was and didnt, not your fault, I was just checking whether he did it or not". End of discussion, no problems.

But she went straight onto the defensive, kicked off and then sulked. sorry, but anyone who makes themselves out to be a victim in a situation where no blame has been attached really pisses me off and deserves to be told to grow the fuck up!

The text was a passive aggressive way of telling the OP that she is still angry with her, because I am sure the the OP knows that her mum would have liked the scarf.

Forget the OP, it is the mother who sounds like a spoilt brat imo!

Good grief

If you tell her to shove it, be prepared to be told to get stuffed when you need some free childcare in the future!

Can't you give her a break. She wanted to do her best, felt criticised and is having a bit of a moue. Call her up, ask her not to worry about the homework, tell her she did a great job. If her major crime is to be a martyred sulker every now and again that's not too difficult to manage, doesn't sound too toxic. Soften her up a bit and she'll be happy. She loves you, she loves your child, and you love her. Don't make things so difficult.

Ok so I'm not actually going to tell her to shove her scarf......
I did reply 'no worries, put it in a charity bag then'.
As I always do, I just thought for a change I'd not bite my tongue but then regretted my impulsive decision.
Difference is, I don't think she regretted upsetting me else she wouldn't have been off about the scarf.

In fact, the sulk and the defensiveness show that she genuinely feels really bad about the homework, disproportionately so. Sounds like a big giant misunderstanding which could escalate if you want it to. Do you want it to? Surely not. Take a breath.

OP, I'm with you on this one, I've got a martyr for a mother too. Loves nothing better than doing favours for everyone and putting the guilt trip on you if you don't take up her offers of free childcare depriving my DS of his Granny to leave him with a stranger and then takes pleasure in telling all and sundry how tired she is as she has been watching my DS all day.
I love my Mum and want her to have a close relationship with my DS but the idea that giving free childcare allows her to behave how she likes is laughable.

This comes under that weird category of not expecting thanks because "no one asked you to hold the door open, you did it of your own volition".

It's really odd, life's not like that, it's all a bit grey, and just because someone offered doesn't mean they shouldn't be respected for the kindness.

Stop texting her. You have no idea how some one feels from a bloody text. Phone her, you can tell so much from the tone of voice someone uses.

No wonder there are so many misunderstandings nowadays, no one speaks to each other any more!

so you used your mother as unpaid childcare all half term, then complained about how she did it? then bought her a scarf?

you're lucky she didn't shove it up one of those orifices she kept rash free for your for the first couple of years of your life.

Brycie I did respect her, til she lost it!
I thanked them a lot and took them out for lunch. It was 4 mornings, my DS is easy.
She also said if it was DD then she'd not be available, but that's another story!

How much thought went into the scarf?

I didn't complain how she did it! I merely asked if DS had done his homework as he said he thought so!

I'm sure you'll work it out. But don't hold a grudge. She must have felt under attack although I'm sure you didn't mean it that way - I can imagine how she might feel like a bit of a failure on the homework front and is being oversensitive about it.

Was the scarf a piece of clutter or was it wearable?

Molly I didn't set out to buy a scarf, I didn't trawl the streets in search of one. I went to a charity event where there were lots of items for sale and stumbled across it and thought that would make a nice Xmas present for DM, then on way home thought actually i'll take a small detour and give it her now instead, to show there's no bad feelings and we can put our silly argument behind us.
Then when she text that, I remembered how I felt in the heat of it yesterday.

Molly I obviously thought it was lovely, DM didn't.

I don't hold grudges, I'm like DF, if a cross word is said we'd instantly regret it and be fine moments later. DM can do the cold shoulder for days, if not weeks!

Could you text her back.

That's a pity, maybe it would suit me/sister/whoever better. I'll try and find something else for you, perhaps we could meet up for an hour or so next wkend and I can pick you up a thank you treat.

Hopefully she'll come back from the trip and normal practice will resume until she finds fault in my parenting, as usual!

Tbh I like the way you bear up to your mothers awful treatment of you. Quite the martyr...

I don't know all the ins and outs. But you sound horribly ungrateful to somebody who has looked after your DS for a week.

You seem really determined that a woman who provided free child are all week was asking for it.

Asking for what? Nothing happened to her until she started being defensive and sulky, at which point she was told to stop doing it. Why should providing childcare mean you're randomly allowed to throw sulky strops with no consequences? The two things are totally separate.

I didn't want free childcare! DS would have probably been much happier at holiday club and it would have been easier for me to droplets both my DCs off together not make the detour to DPs house. They didn't do me a favour!

Droplets?! *drop