PIL going OTT on decorating own room for GC'S

[Chellors123]

I have two DC (6 and 1) we live in same town as MIL and they see GC'S once a week either we go to them, they come to us, we all go out.. DS has a sleepover every couple of months and DD not yet though keep asking.

They are their first GC'S, have always been full on with them and would spend every day with them if they could, they buy them a new present every week ( which DP has said to stop but have ignored "it's only something small!") I get on ok with them, have never had crossed words but things have cooled since DC as I just find them so overbearing.

So to my subject..

PIL have just downsized and have just newly decorated one of the rooms for the GC'S to include, new kids bed, kids curtains, lampshade, height chart, framed children's art, train set, baby toys displayed in keeping with theme (they each have a stack of everyday toys in another room that they normally play with)have bought identical comforters and nightlights that they have at home and new set of chest of drawers which when my son opened the other week was filled with brand new clothes for each GC'S tops, trousers, sock, pants etc.

I know they are probably only trying to make them feel comfortablebthere but Is it just me to finds this a bit OTT and to be honest a bit weird like they are trying to re-live parenting? Especially as they only stay over very occasionally. I would never say anything as not my house but find it quite uncomfortable when I go there - even pictures on the walls/mantelpiece are just of GC'S - all other family members have been bumped off to a room that's hardly used!

It was a generalisation of the boards on MN, not a dig at the OP (apologies OP if you thought I was having a dig at you).

But this board ofteen seems full of women, and it is predominantly women, who helicopter round their children in an unhealthy way - never allowing them to have relationships away from them. It's quite an obsessive form of love. Very unhealthy IMHO.

They have a new house therefore a 'blank canvas' so they have decided as they now have 2 grandchildren who will be staying over occasionally (as one does its not a big step to expect that eventually the younger child will want to) they want to make sure they have their own space.

What a lovely thing to do.

Comments like "decorating and buying is in preparation for something" is what seems OTT especially considering the OP has clearly stated that their are no underlying issues with them.

And there are lots of DMs and MILs who interfere with their children's relationships and parenting too. I know someone who has bought her DS children clothes. Fair enough until you realise he and his wife aren't even pregnant yet!!

Op clearly stated they've been asking for the 1 yr old to stay, and persist in buying presents despite being asked not to. I suspect they've got an idea in their minds about some kind of regular overnights and that might be fine, or not, but op should be free to choose.

Wise words, Phineyj. Completely agree.

As for MIL haters on MN, I think there are many here who have learned a lot from thee relationships with their in laws. And still make an effort with them.

There are a lot of DIL haters here too.

Sometimes if you don't agree what other posters think you should do, they get a right strop on and start making sweeping generalisations about how glad they are to have daughters etc.

My first gc is due this week and I will be just like your PiLs. The only difference is my DD will appreciate the love I already feel for her DD.

I keep reading threads like this on MN and it makes me really thankful that my DD has totally involved me in her pregnancy and forthcoming birth. I only offer advice and support when asked though My dc have a very close relationship with my mum and I love that they love spending time with her.
It's sad when DC seem to forget that their parents have such a wealth of experience.

My first gc is due this week and I will be just like your PiLs. The only difference is my DD will appreciate the love I already feel for her DD.

ooo congrats I can see you are a little excited

"But this board ofteen seems full of women, and it is predominantly women, who helicopter round their children in an unhealthy way - never allowing them to have relationships away from them. It's quite an obsessive form of love. Very unhealthy IMHO."

:o

Says the woman who hopes her sons never marry!

You couldn't make it up :o

TBH. i've had less issues with the inlaws who have been stellar than my own parents.

So op you do have issues Wth your in laws, you have saud that they can be overbearing and are trying to distance yourself from them because of this. well this does make it different, if they are trying to interfer and control things, not only because tey hav bought your children new clothes fr tir house and ave a decreed room, which withut issue there is nothing wrong with that

I would feel uncomfortable with this too.

ILs have a spare room my dc use, but it's not decorated specially for them.

My ILs live 2 minutes away and mil last saw our children 4 weeks ago.
Fil sees them most days as he works in the fields (farming).

I have to admit I'm on a bit of a stand-off now. The visit 4 weeks ago was when dh dropped into their house, they were last in ours in August for dh's birthday.

We do have lots of issues though.

My dc are the age to wander down to their house on their own, but they don't, I think this speaks volumes.

My own mother did the buying stuff "to keep here for when you come" from when I was pregnant with DC1 - as even then I lived a 5 hour drive from her, and was preparing on a tight budget with quite a lot of second hand stuff while she bought expensive "boutique" stuff and kept it at her house this rankled deeply (but then we already had a far from perfect relationship). In all honesty it made me inclined to take the DC to her less rather than more no matter what her motivation and a lot of the stuff at her house went unused as it would have been outgrown between visits etc. She didn't kit out a room for the DC though, she bizarrely had twin (full size) beds put in her walk in wardrobe which I felt very odd about putting my DC in to sleep - she has 2 other empty bedrooms!

My in-laws have kitted out a room for the DC, but using things that belonged to DH and his brothers mostly, plus bargain toys. MIL buys stacks of bargain or boot sale clothes (which she washes as necessary and gives to me to take home) and I appreciate - she buys a disproportional amount of stuff for DD, I think as she had all boys, so while I still have to buy new for my boys DD has more clothes than she knows what to do with.

I think a lot of this is about the relationship you have with the grandparent in question before DC, and about the perceived spirit behind what the grandparent do - whether it feels like they are trying to take over/ interfere/ grab or whether it feels healthy, and that they are building a normal relationship with their grandchildren and helping out their child (whether son or daughter) and partner.

The "Woe is me I have boys and MN shows us that DIL are evil" threads (in which the poster with this attitude usually claims she herself is a wonderful DIL) really irritate me - these difficult relationships happen with either grandmother, some people only choose to read the threads they think will wind them up! I have 2 boys and a girl and worry more about the relationship with my DD when she grows up as my own relationship with my DM is not one I would want to replicate, but it's up to the mother to do all she can to keep the relationship healthy IMO.

my sister and I had our own rooms at my grandparents house when we were children. I never found it odd at all it was like another home to me, in fact when my mum died its where I went and felt like I was still home and safe if you see what I mean.

My MIL has a room with beds for the children and she has a cot etc, I have no problem with this DH is her baby and so his babies are of course incredibly important to her.

I hope that when my children have children I get to go out and fuss over them and spoil them just like my grandparents did!.

A relationship has to be worked on from both sides. Unfortunately a lot of MILs AND DILs forget that.

The tradition and culture in western society leans towards a child leaving home and setting up a new family, meaning the spouse and any children become the new nuclear family. Some parents find it hard to let go for any number of reasons, love being only one of them.

Ophelia I don't think you realise that your comments make you appear to be one of those likely to become a problem MIL. You certainly give me the impression that you are not likely to be very welcoming to any DIL unfortunate enough to cross your path.

My children had this sort of set up at my mothers, i had, had at at my nans.

When i was widowed, young and during my husbands illness, it was good that my children had the relationship that they did with my mum. My da had,had to work away from home,during times of high unemployment, so it was a big help, to my mum.

I had to work nights and the transistion to LP was an easy ride, because of the extended family set up that we had.

Now my mum is using a wheelchair and my middle DD is 17, again, she is able to stay with my mum and return the care that she has had (with myself and other DD's).

No members of our family are watched whilst they struggle, and SS needed, when we can all pitch in.

Set bounderies, by all means, you are the parents, but except the importance of having close extended family.

To be honest, the thing that makes me most uncomfortable is the equating of 'love' with 'buying stuff'.

I want my children's gps to love them, want to spend time with them, and make them feel comfortable at their house - none of that requires buying a whole set of everything a child has at home, most of which they don't even really 'need' anyway

When I stayed at my GPs as a chid the best bits were the differences - the old board games from my father's childhood, marbles, weird little glass ornaments, funny old-fashioned blankets instead of duvets.

My DD stays at my mums once a week, she is 2, DS is 4, he doesnt because he is a total mummys boy likes to stay home.

If they love their grandparents, it would be lovely for you and DH to have a night off, why dont you let them stay,

ooo may old fashioned blankets - I totally forgot about that. I remember being amazed at how many layers beds had there and also the car and attention that went into making them!. Every night a hot water bottle night. Sigh.

Oh, and btw. there's no doubt in my mind that having special clothes for wearing in a certain place IS weird.

Clothes belong to the wearer, even if they are only 5yrs old. Imagine if your mum or mil bought you a lovely new cashmere sweater this christmas then told you that instead of taking it home with you it was to stay at her house and you could only wear it when you came to visit? Weird, weird, weird.

I agree with both your last posts maybenow :)

I think it's lovely tbh, they sound as though they really love their gcs
You get a break and they get to spend time with their gcs-nothing wrong in that.

Lauriebluebell, you sound like an awesome gm already. Not least because you offer opinions only when asked. That IMO is the first step to an amazing relationship between all 3+ generations.

Are they called Anne and John?

Their house, they can decorate it how they wish and fill their house full of baby stuff even if they have no grandchildren if that's how they want to spend their money.
You and your husband on the other hand decide when you wish them to have the kids staying over and that is unrelated to how much baby crap they have in their house. I have always worked so even if my relatives had lived nearer (no-one is within a 2h drive) they wouldn't have been getting the kids overnight alot and hardly ever at weekends as we wanted to spend time with them.
If they moan they have spent alot of money just tell them that was their choice and for the kids to stay they only need to provide the basics so they are comfortable eg bed, high chair as you can bring the rest.
Sadly as the kids grow I suspect this wil reduce as GPs rarely provide teenagers with loads of free ipods etc, people just get obsessed with little kids and babies.

I agree that clothes belong to the wearer though, when separating my ex and I were both firm on this, and that all the kids' toys should be theirs to move between the houses. If the GPs want to keep a toy at their house you explain to the kids it's not their toy but their grandparents.
As the kids get older they will get upset if unable to take "their" clothes away so apart from nightclothes and dressing up clothes I would TELL the grandparents that if they give your kids clothes then they give them to them properly otherwise you don't want them wearing the clothes.