PIL going OTT on decorating own room for GC'S

[Chellors123]

I have two DC (6 and 1) we live in same town as MIL and they see GC'S once a week either we go to them, they come to us, we all go out.. DS has a sleepover every couple of months and DD not yet though keep asking.

They are their first GC'S, have always been full on with them and would spend every day with them if they could, they buy them a new present every week ( which DP has said to stop but have ignored "it's only something small!") I get on ok with them, have never had crossed words but things have cooled since DC as I just find them so overbearing.

So to my subject..

PIL have just downsized and have just newly decorated one of the rooms for the GC'S to include, new kids bed, kids curtains, lampshade, height chart, framed children's art, train set, baby toys displayed in keeping with theme (they each have a stack of everyday toys in another room that they normally play with)have bought identical comforters and nightlights that they have at home and new set of chest of drawers which when my son opened the other week was filled with brand new clothes for each GC'S tops, trousers, sock, pants etc.


I know they are probably only trying to make them feel comfortablebthere but Is it just me to finds this a bit OTT and to be honest a bit weird like they are trying to re-live parenting? Especially as they only stay over very occasionally. I would never say anything as not my house but find it quite uncomfortable when I go there - even pictures on the walls/mantelpiece are just of GC'S - all other family members have been bumped off to a room that's hardly used!

[pigletmania]

Athing tat would be odd, and not right, but a grandparent having a room for when their grandkids come to stay, with some nice clothes that they hav bought them, is setting a legal president wtaf , are you a lawyer! Some of you lot need some persective. Mumsnet armchair law at ts best

[cocolepew]

There is nothing wrong with buying your GC clothes , but would it not be more sensible to actually give them the clothes to wear? Rather than them sitting, unworn, in a drawer.

I've seen plenty of threads on MN about the parents of the poster, it's not always the ILs getting a bashing .

[Sirzy]

What harm is them having some clothes there doing? Ok it may be a waste of money but it is THEIR money to waste as they want.

Like I said earlier in the case of "oh shit we need to get to hospital with x lets drop the kids of at PIL" it is fantastic to have everything that will be needed there so one less thing to worry about.

It often seems on these threads grandparents can't do right for doing wrong try to be nice and they are "OTT" and "overbearing" don't do enough and they dont care!

[Flisspaps]

Sounds OTT to me. A nice bedroom with toys for occasional use yes, but a fully stocked bedroom akin to one at home, with everything they could possibly need despite them not staying often?

Too much.

[OpheliaPayneAgain]

In most cultures the wife gets taken into the husbands family - except in ours where the DIL does her damndest to make sure she can cause some bloody dischord between mother and son in preference for her family.

It's not a competition as to who loves each other more. The way a son treats his mother is how he will treat his wife.

I hate reading these threads where it's full of underlying jealousy that the MIL might actually have a deep and lasting bond with grandchildren. Reading some posters, I can see why their lives are a litany of broken and unsustainable relationships; numerous ex partners, a multitude of children
who are used as weapons, no viable relationship with their own mothers.

I hope my sons never bring home a DIL I really do.God forbid you should ever want to do something nice for GCs, spend a birthday, Christmas or Saturday taking them out. It would be green-eyed jealous hell.

[AThingInYourLife]

"the DIL does her damndest to make sure she can cause some bloody dischord between mother and son in preference for her family."

:o

I think you mean "except in ours where mothers of sons become obsessively jealous of their sons' attention and compete to be number 1 female."

:o

You hope your sons never get married or have children because other women are such bitches and all they need is you?

:o

Poor fuckers.

[pigletmania]

I know ophilia. Its full of graabdarents took mt py children out to MacDonalds, grandparents want to see dc 1 a week, grandparents are buying gc new clothes and ave a room for tem at their house. Seems like they cannot do right from wrong. Suck it up and be happy your il love their grandchildren very much. They are not trying to compete against you but using familiar things in their home so grandkids will feel at home

[FryOneFatManic]

I love the total inconsistency on Mumsnet. On one hand this OP is being told this is not unreasonable, but on another thread the OP is being supported against a controlling MIL.

Whether this is really unreasonable, and this applies to anyPIL/ MIL thread, is whether there's any previous history of issues between MIL/PIL and DIL.

If the PIL are generally a lovely pair, then I'd regard this as a little OTT but nothing to get het up about.

If there's been issues then obviously this would need to be considered as part of that.

Each situation unique.

[Mrsjay]

they love their grandchildren so much that when they stay they want them to have a nice childfriendly room to stay in and you are moaning seriously it is a bedroom you are really lucky they want to see them , honestly over thinking and a little bit neurotic imo ,

[Chellors123]

Thanks - I can understand some may say its a MIL thing but its just not a comparison i would make - she lives over 500 miles away, adores the DC's and has put teddies in the room they sleep in when we visit (4 times a year) but nothing more than that. She has 2 other grand children who she lives very close to but the room arrangements are exactly the same.

MIL is all about family and has no other interests - nothing wrong with that just not what I am used to and I take on board that I should be grateful they take so much interest but feel it crosses the boundaries and is OTT

[pigletmania]

Op hasent highlighted any outstanding issues, only they are a bit full on with the grandkids

[Arithmeticulous]

There is nothing wrong with buying your GC clothes , but would it not be more sensible to actually give them the clothes to wear? Rather than them sitting, unworn, in a drawer

It sounds a bit on the odd side of things to me but reading the rest of the thread I might be in the minority.

Up until you mentioned the clothes, it sounded like they were just doing it to occupy their time and for it to be nice for the GC. The amount of clothes (and comforters) tips it over the line.

My MIL is always buying stuff for her DC in the sale and it's usually the wrong size/style/season because it was in the sale and we always accept, thank, charity shop and wonder why she doesn't spend the money on a new back door instead - but she likes doing it so we carry on. My parents are the same, except they wrap up charity shop finds and make out they are new - again, they seem to occupy their time walking around charity shops and mine when I take it all back It all works because they never ask to see what has happened to the stuff they give us

[FryOneFatManic]

Ophelia you seem to be projecting some issues here.

In most families I kow, the DIL gets on really well with the MIL, no discord in sight (including mine - I've spent half the week being an escort for MIL as she does the round of blood tests, consultant appts and chemo).

In some families there will be problems, which can stem from a jealous DIL, but also there are jealous MILs, or MILs with real personality problems.

Just because someone becomes a mum, it won't turn a nasty person into a saint. a nasty person becomes a nasty mum, becomes a nasty MIL, generally.

It will always boil down to what kind of person you are.

And with your attitude I pity your future DILs.

[Softlysoftly]

God you'd hate my parents, they have 6 grandchildren, a decorated children's room, a dedicated playroom and bathroom with changing station and mum bought a car appropriate for carrying kids and pushchairs around even though she never does!

She lives the GCs and wants to make things easier for us, she respects our parenting rules in fact we all do things slightly differently so so does she. I think that unless they start overriding your parenting you need to relax.

[yellowsubmarine53]

Ophelia, that's a bit hard on the OP. She says that she gets on okay with PIL, but things have cooled since she's had children because of PIL's behaviour. That's fair enough, I think. They've been asked not to buy the children a present each week, and they've ignored that very reasonable request.

I'd find this quite OTT and oppressive, but on the other hand, I'd love my children to have interested and involved grandparents, and only 1 out of the 4 even vaguely fit that description and she hasn't been to visit for over a year.

[Mrsjay]

reading all these Inlaw threads I am quite relieved I will have son inlaws tbh

[Chellors123]

Just to clarify its my mother who lives 500 miles away

No underlying issues wil PIL, they are kind generous people and adore GC (first ones) things have cooled (no cross words) as find them overbearing so DP has most dealings. MIL just has very different parenting styles to me and how I was bought up and it's not till we had children that these differences became so apparent.

I do suck it up a lot of the time time but i dont want to be pressured into 'handing over my children for the day/night' just because they have spent so much time/money on a new room, toys and clothes.

[cocolepew]

I'm quite happy to admit I hate my MIl. It has nothing to do with underlying jealousy. She's a twisted, nasty woman, she always has been, nothing to do with her being a MIL, just how she chooses to act.

[Sirzy]

Then you say no, as your Son has got to 6 with it only being a semi regular thing though what makes you think that will all of a sudden change? Has something else changed?

[Lambzig]

To be honest I would find it a little weird. Not so much decorating the room for them, which is quite nice, but once you had mentioned the unworn clothes, it went a bit far. Its not the same as buying clothes for them and giving them to you to take home, its creating a different life for them in their home.

Not sure what you can do about it though, except try not to get upset.

I would also hate that they ignored my wishes about the presents every week.

Every time DD sees her grandmother (on my side of the family, not MIL) she gives her chocolate or cake just before lunch despite my asking her not to saying "but she needs a treat". Unsurprisingly, she wont eat her lunch after that and I have to bite my tongue when my parents say "she isnt a good eater is she, she obviously doesnt like what you have made her".

[Chellors123]

Nothing has changed, just the new room - the previous house didn't have a dedicated room for GC.

[Phineyj]

^In most cultures the wife gets taken into the husbands family - except in ours where the DIL does her damndest to make sure she can cause some bloody dischord between mother and son in preference for her family.

It's not a competition as to who loves each other more. The way a son treats his mother is how he will treat his wife.^

Hmm, am not sure that is a criticism of our culture really -- isn't a good thing that women in the UK have a choice, generally, about getting absorbed into someone else's family or starting their own household? I think you'll find it's to do with economics as much as culture, as well.

And why would a son treat a wife the same way as his mother? I hope he can tell the difference and he might have picked someone completely different, perhaps for good reason. Also, it jolly well can be a competition...both sides can be unreasonable but I know so many DIL/PIL/parent situations where all the give is on one side.

Yes it is nice that the OP's PIL have gone to all this trouble, but if it makes her uncomfortable, it makes her uncomfortable - she can't help how she feels. Gifts can be as much about the giver's needs as the recipient.

Personally I was a bit disappointed when I kitted out a room for my DNs and then found they stay very rarely, but I didn't go bonkers, just some IKEA stuff so my DS doesn't have to bring so much with her each time. But they're not my kids, it's up to my DS how often they stay. And my own DM definitely considers she's in a little bit of a competition with me to have the GC to stay, even though she'd never admit it! And she 'wins' because she is the GM and they adore her and she doesn't have to do pesky stuff like go to work!

Meanwhile the DNs are quite oblivious...all they know is lots of people love them and want to buy them stuff..

[Gentleness]

Op obviously feels like this decorating and buying is in preparation for something. If your gut is telling you that then you're probably right, and best to prepare yourself so you aren't feeling pressured. It's not about wanting mils kept out. It's about being able to make good choices freely.

[quirrelquarrel]

It's so fun decorating, especially for kids! They're just having fun....loads of fun.