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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For considering leaving my 4 month old and nearly 3 year old with family for the weekend?

126 replies

loveroflife · 03/11/2012 16:19

My friend is getting married in Spain and DH and I have been invited - she has a no children rule, which is fair enough.

By that time I will have a four month old and a nearly three year old - AIBU in leaving them with family while DH and I go to the wedding?

It will be Fri-Monday and my mother and sister will move into our home.

I have never left DS so first time away from both.

My main concern is breastfeeding - I struggled with DS and gave into the bottle after 8 weeks after combination feeding, my concern is that if I ebf the new baby he/she will not take a bottle for that weekend.

I don't want to make it a traumatic experience for mum, so I would have to introduce a bottle at nights at say 3 months, so he/she would be happy to take it when I am away - I am worried that when I return he/she won't want the breast again and I will have to bottle feed (I am determined to stick with breast this time.)

I'm already finding lots of excuses not to go, but DH says we should attend as we don't go anywhere and I will regret not seeing my friend marry.

Has anyone else left their children at similar ages?

Thanks

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 04/11/2012 18:57

I'd leave the 3 year old, no way the 4 month old.

I have a 4 month old. She's a little poppet and splitting us up for the weekend would make both of us miserable.

Plus - a whole weekend of expressing and no proper relief?

No thanks.

If babes in arms can't come, I think you should decline.

AThingInYourLife · 04/11/2012 19:01

"If you do want to go make sure the baby gets used to a bottle from quite early on. "

I don't think that will make a difference TBH.

DD3 takes a bottle quite happily, but she would still be very distressed if I disappeared from her world for days.

And I would be miserable too.

Welovecouscous · 04/11/2012 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Portofino · 04/11/2012 19:10

I left ff dd overnight with my best friend at about 5 months. Tbh - I was worried most of the time....I would never have lasted 4 days.

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy · 04/11/2012 19:11

I did the full-on exclusive demand bf with mine and leaving them at that age would have been impossible from a practical POV, never mind an emotional one (which of course applies equally however the baby is fed). My two fed little and often - I'd have spent half the weekend expressing. Sleep would have been a nightmare as well.

You miss out on stuff when you have children. You've offered to let him go alone. He should get over it, tbh.

Portofino · 04/11/2012 19:12

Not worried for any discernible reason I hasten to add. Dd was a good feeder/sleeper and I trusted my friend implicitly - but a little baby is a big responsibility.

aufaniae · 04/11/2012 19:27

I think wowser's getting a hard time here! She's not saying she wouldn't ever leave her DC with their dad!

Unless I've misunderstood, it seems absolutely plain to me she's saying she wouldn't leave her DC at 4 months for 4 days, because 4 months is too young to be separated from their mother for such a long time.

What's trust got to do with it? Absolutely nothing as far as I can see.
No matter how much you trust your DP/DH, they cannot grow boobs or become you!

redandwhitesprinkles · 04/11/2012 19:28

I have done this with both of my bf children. I expressed with the first ( and left formula for 2nd as was lazy).

Both had bottles of expressed milk ( and second odd ff).

It was only for one night in my case but I just expressed when away (get an electric pump for ease.

Don't feel guilty no one would question this if you were a man and continuing bf can be done.

Could you wait to book flights until nearer the time? See how you feel

forevergreek · 04/11/2012 19:38

But why is leaving a bottle fed baby at 4 months with their father dd, but if father went away for 4 days no one would bat an eyelid.

Children have parents, who parent. If there are two equal parents in a household then why should the child be attached to mother more? What about stay at home fathers who care most the day from a young age if mother has short maternity leave

aufaniae · 04/11/2012 19:41

forevergreek if the baby is FF I would guess it depends on which parent is the "main" parent.

IME it's very rare that there are two parents who parent absolutely equally when a baby is so young.

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy · 04/11/2012 19:50

forevergreek, tbh I don't think dh would have been thrilled to go away for four days when our two were that age, although I was the main carer at that age in that I excl bf.

wigglesrock · 04/11/2012 19:59

I've done it, I went away when dd1 was 2.7 months and dd2 was 4 months for 3 nights. However my daughter was formula fed, I left them with their grandparents - we were all fine.

Wowserz129 · 04/11/2012 20:13

Of course I am not saying I wouldn't leave him with his dad. I am saying 4 months would be to young for me to be away from him even if it was his dad that had him.

Wowserz129 · 04/11/2012 20:15

I would just like to add I trust my son with his dad 100%. No issues there!

SirBoobAlot · 04/11/2012 20:44

I'd just take the baby. Regardless of how you are feeding, four days is a long time for you to be separated from your baby, and, almost more importantly, for baby to be separated from you. If you turn up with a small baby, they can't exactly turn you away.

aufaniae · 04/11/2012 21:57

Wowserz that seemed totally obvious to me, I don't think your post was ambiguous at all, I'm Confused as to how anyone could have interpreted it to be about trust issues.

plantsitter · 04/11/2012 22:06

Honestly, it's making me exhausted to even consider whether I might've been able to go to a wedding in Spain and leave my DDs at home when my DD2 was 4 months old and ebf. But you might be stronger/less lazy than me.

YANBU at all to consider it and you should definitely do it if you want to. But I think I would talk to the bride and say - in the nicest possible way - that if the baby can't come, you can't. It's just a cause and effect thing, not a guilt trip. If it makes her uncomfortable then frankly she needs to grow up a bit - her decisions have effects for other people (and she's perfectly entitled to those decisions).

Willowisp · 04/11/2012 22:14

Take the baby !

TwitchyTail · 04/11/2012 23:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

toomanydaisies · 05/11/2012 07:19

I expressed once a day and gave dd a bottle of expressed milk once a day. From week one. So I could leave her for a few hours if I needed to and I froze a couple of pouches of milk each week. Really, it was just in case of emergency - didn't want dd to be solely reliant on the breast.

I say go for it. If you don't feel able to go at the last minute then back out and your dh goes alone. But your mum and sister sound fabulous and I'm sure your dc will be just fine! It's only a weekend. And it's a one off. I'm sure you and dh will appreciate some time together too!

BrandyAlexander · 05/11/2012 07:42

I went back to work part time at 4 months but personally, no way I would leave the dcs for 4 nights. Being at work meant expressing every 3 hours which used to take about 20/25 mins. I struggled to establish breastfeeding first time and I wouldn't have done anyhing tha would. Have potentially made it harder.

Wowserz129 · 05/11/2012 09:08

Thanks auf!

It's going to be a pain in the bum trying to go whilst bf. you probably don't want to put your child onto bottles just so you can go to a wedding. Even if you did express when you were their your boobs might be a leaky mess. I know mine would have been when my son was 4 months as I was still feeding on demand. I do also think it would be hard on baby being away from mum Sad I think that maybe it's hard to remember just how small they are then. My son is coming up 11 months and still breastfeeds morning, lunch and night and I still couldn't leave him for that long.

I would say that you can't go unless she lets you take the baby. Hopefully she understands!

iismum · 05/11/2012 09:22

I left my ebf baby for one night at four months and to be honest it was a bit of a nightmare. Although we'd practiced with a bottle beforehand, when it came to it she really didn't want to take it and cried all the time. Then the expressed milk ran out and she hated the formula. Meanwhile, I had my pump with me, but it's not as smooth as a baby sucking and I ended up with blocked ducts and a lot of pain.

That sounds a bit gloomy - it may well not turn out for you. But this is definitely a possibility. Are you sure your friend wouldn't make an exception for ebf babies? It's a very different proportion that children that can run around. Then your mum can just look after the 3-year-old.

mummysmellsofsick · 05/11/2012 10:16

I agree with others, very difficult to leave a breastfed baby. I don't think there would be anything in the world would have made me leave him at that age. I'd have been miserable, leaky and lost without him

MintTeaForMe · 05/11/2012 18:44

Lots of posters are stating that it's actively bad for a baby to be looked after by anyone other than its mother at 4 months old for a few days. Am genuinely interested if there is any evidence for this?

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