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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For considering leaving my 4 month old and nearly 3 year old with family for the weekend?

126 replies

loveroflife · 03/11/2012 16:19

My friend is getting married in Spain and DH and I have been invited - she has a no children rule, which is fair enough.

By that time I will have a four month old and a nearly three year old - AIBU in leaving them with family while DH and I go to the wedding?

It will be Fri-Monday and my mother and sister will move into our home.

I have never left DS so first time away from both.

My main concern is breastfeeding - I struggled with DS and gave into the bottle after 8 weeks after combination feeding, my concern is that if I ebf the new baby he/she will not take a bottle for that weekend.

I don't want to make it a traumatic experience for mum, so I would have to introduce a bottle at nights at say 3 months, so he/she would be happy to take it when I am away - I am worried that when I return he/she won't want the breast again and I will have to bottle feed (I am determined to stick with breast this time.)

I'm already finding lots of excuses not to go, but DH says we should attend as we don't go anywhere and I will regret not seeing my friend marry.

Has anyone else left their children at similar ages?

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
loveroflife · 04/11/2012 14:16

Thanks for all the tips - really appreciate it.

I spoke to my other friend last night and she said not to ask the bride if new dc can come as she really doesn't want any children/babies/toddlers there and it might make things awkward and put her in an uncomfortable position.

We'll have to see how new dc is and how all the feeding goes. I feel like I will be introducing a bottle just for the sake of a wedding and if he/she doesn't want to latch back on when I return, I would be very upset and regret my decision to go.

Re: sister coming with us and looking after new dc. We can't afford her flights and I wouldn't expect her to feed/entertain herself so that would be more money and I think she would be a little bored in the hotel room.

I wouldn't leave new dc with the hotel babysitter out there - no way, never, I just couldn't, not with someone I don't know.

We have to RSVP soon and I will encourage DH to go. He is wonderful btw and just wants us to have some fun together, nothing else, he is very supportive and understanding. With DS we were so methodical, never leaving him, maybe a bit precious, back home early/cutting social gatherings short for bedtime routines etc and I think he just wants us to enjoy what's left of our youth! If I said to him I don't want us to go, he would totally accept that but if I can't go at least he can have fsome fun.

Other things I'm thinking of us is missing the dc terribly, trying to squeeze into a dress post birth and two huge wet patches seeping through my chest. I love my friend dearly but the thought of snuggling at home with ds and new dc in baggy clothing is so tempting...yes, I am a bore and make no apologies!

OP posts:
Original poster
loveroflife · 04/11/2012 14:17

P.S All the breastfeeding experiences are so useful, have no idea what to expect long term after a miserable failed attempt first time.....

OP posts:
BonzoDooDah · 04/11/2012 14:24

Good luck with it all. I can totally empathise with the thought of squeezing into a dress and trying to go out razzling with leaky boobs. (I did with DS at 6 weeks and was miserable - and he was with me!)

By the way a nice reference for Breastfeeding help - The NCT Little Book of Breastfeeding is something to read in all your spare time up to the birth.

Good luck!

jumpingjane · 04/11/2012 15:26

I would say no to the wedding myself as wouldn't want to leave the baby and all the trouble with the bf. From everything you have said, I think you would be happiest/ less stressed doing this too.

janey68 · 04/11/2012 15:56

It really is do able IF you are keen to do it.
My babies were ebf but I got them totally happy with drinking expressed milk from a few weeks old ready for returning to work.
Don't let people put you off if this weekend away is something you want to do

lucyellenmum · 04/11/2012 16:03

Just read the OP - firstly, YANBU i think its sounds like a perfect plan and i am very Envy, your kids will be fine (if not spoilt rotten after a weekend with nanny and aunty!) and you will have a great time.

I mix fed because i had problems with BF for six months. Maybe that would be a good plan for you?

What i can't remember is whether or not you will encounter problems with mild production after potentially four days away from it - so i guess the answer to that is easy and you may have to express over the weekend but that is not a problem.

Enjoy xx

lucyellenmum · 04/11/2012 16:03

milk, not mild!

lucyellenmum · 04/11/2012 16:06

oh and i just remembered, i had to go and have my gallstones out when DD was about four months old (maybe 5) I was away for two days and one night - had no problems with her latching after that.

I really think you should go BTW

ToManyDicksOnTheDancefloor · 04/11/2012 16:16

I left my first for a weekend at 5 months, we fed her a bottle of expressed milk as her dream feed from 4 weeks so no problem there. By 4 months you' should be feeding every 4ish hours, it'll just take some pumping to provide the milk. I had an electric breast pump so I just pumped three times a day whilst away. No problems with feeding when I got back, latched straight on.

I'm doing the same thing when current baby (I'm also pregnant) is six months old as I have a ticket for Glastonbury!

Wowserz129 · 04/11/2012 16:19

There is not a hope in hell I would leave a 4 month old with anyone, not even his dad for a week! It's only a wedding. Personally I think if you decide to have children then you have to accept all the implications of us ie missing out on social occasions. I don't mean that in a horrible way so please don't take it as such but I think YABU.

jumpingjane · 04/11/2012 16:39

For me, expressing 3 times a day wouldn't be enough at that age as the baby would normally feed perhaps 5 times a day and some overnight too. I have a 4 month old at the moment (and have bf older DC too) and had to skip a late eve feed as had been out and had a bit too drink. My boobs were really sore overnight and I didn't sleep well because of it. That was missing one feed...
Wowersz- I wouldn't want to leave my baby for even one night at present but that's not to say the OP shouldn't. She is lucky enough to have 2 family members offering to help so I'm sure the DC will be v well looked after.

MrsMelons · 04/11/2012 16:39

I mixed fed my DCs due to circumstances so they were happy taking bottles of expresse dmilk or formula so I could have left them at that age but a long weekend is a fairly long time.

I would have gone maybe Fri to Sun but I think it would depend on the family looking after them and how chilled out the baby was. Both DCs used to stay at my parents overnight from about 4 months old. Most people would let you take a 4 month old though so it is a bit odd but I totally understand not having other children there.

Have you asked her about the baby?

MrsMelons · 04/11/2012 16:40

Sorry just seen you have asked someone else about it. Its a shame as it sounds like it would be nice for you to go.

MrsMelons · 04/11/2012 16:43

Wowser why would you not leave the baby with their dad? Surely they are responsible enough for the night? I'm not saying you or anyone else should leave them but it just seems an odd thing to say.

lucyellenmum · 04/11/2012 16:43

Wowsers, it sounded pretty bloody harsh to me - The OP isn't neglecting her responsibility she is leaving the child with its grandmother and aunt, its own flesh and blood, who will think the child is just as precious as its mummy does and care for it accordingly.

I actually think it would be far better for the child to stay at home than have to be carted on a plane and fit in wiht the whole wedding thing.

I wouldnt have left my baby as i don't have the support network that the OP has as my mum is not in the best health and no one else could help.

As for not leaving a child with its father - WTAF???

forevergreek · 04/11/2012 17:10

Wowsers- why would anyone choose to have a baby with someone they don't trust their/ and their child's life with ( yes I know some people have no choice)

I wouldnt want to but I wouldn't hesiste to leave my child at a minute old with my partner. I trust him completely to make the right decisions over their well-being.

At 4 months, if breastfeeding I would ask to take along, if formula then would leave with another trusted relative/ adult

forevergreek · 04/11/2012 17:10
  • hesitate
Junebugjr · 04/11/2012 17:26

If you do want to go make sure the baby gets used to a bottle from quite early on.

No experience of going on a 4 dayer away, but I did have a wedding do to go to when dd2 was nearly 4 months. I was supposed to stay overnight but ended up driving a long journey home at 9pm as dd2 just took the bare minimum from the bottle to prevent from starving and screamed the whole time. I had to pump every 3 hrs during the Wedding too, and my boobs were still very full (I had oversupply though).

If your baby turns out to be happy with a bottle and your happy with pumping, I don't see why you shouldn't go though, you'll probably deserve a break by then!

SirBoobAlot · 04/11/2012 18:22

I'm guessing both these friends are childless?

You're not talking about taking a rampaging toddler, its a small, stationary baby. I'd still ask the friend, and explain that otherwise you won't manage to come. That with both you and DH there, if the little one starts to cry, one of you will take them out of the service, if that's what they're concerned about.

Pannacotta · 04/11/2012 18:32

I agree with SirBoob. It would scupper your breastfeeding, be very uncomfortable for you and hard work for your mother and sister.
Explain you need the baby with you so you can feed him/her or you wont be able to make it.

socharlotte · 04/11/2012 18:32

No.The baby is far too young to leave for a weekend.

aufaniae · 04/11/2012 18:34

forevergreek I wouldn't go away for 4 days and leave my baby with DP at 4 months. It's got absolutely nothing at all to do with trust, I trust DP implicitly. I

It's to do with not putting my baby through unnecessary distress. DS was exclusively breast-fed. DP doesn't have the equipment for a start!*

But even if we'd been successful in getting DS to take a bottle, I imagine it would potentially be very distressing for such a young child to have their mum disappear for 4 days. They would have no idea whether they you ever going to come back (how do you explain that to a 4 month old?!). I couldn't do that to a baby without a very good reason, and a wedding or me getting some "time off" is not one IMO.

And also, there's the issue of wanting to continue BFing. 4 days could affect BFing and I wouldn't want to risk this.

*Well technically, men can BF if they try hard enough but that's another thread! It's why they have nipples; it's not some evolutionary mistake as is commonly thought. However in reality, don't think I'd ever manage to persuade DP to give it a try! But I digress Grin

NellyBluth · 04/11/2012 18:42

Wow, Wowser, there is no way that isn't harsh!

I really don't get this attitude that you're basically not allowed to go out and have a life after having children. Fair enough if you don't feel comfortable with it, it is up to each parent to decide how happy they are leaving their children. But if you are comfortable with it, and have family who can look after the children (and thus form their own close bond with the children) what on earth is wrong with that?!

Also agree that saying you wouldn't leave a baby alone for a week with its dad is suggesting you have chosen to have children with a man you don't trust.

Breast-feeding obviously changes a situation like this completely. But if a baby is happy with a bottle or is formula fed, why can't they be left with someone other than mum? Surely learning to be happy and comfortable with its dad and with close family members is a good thing?

Really hoping you don't hide and do explain some of your ideas...

McHappyPants2012 · 04/11/2012 18:52

with ds who was breastfeed, i wouldn't manage 3 hours let alone a long weekend.

it is so painful and the only way to relive the pain for me was to feed, even expressing didn't relive the pain.

Yanbu to go if that what your want to do, for me i didn't have any guilt leaving my DC with trusted members of my family at that age. DC2 was left for the day at 2 weeks old as i had to take DC1 on a nursey trip.

Florin · 04/11/2012 18:52

I have a 4 month old but there is no way I could leave him for that long and he is bottlefed. I just couldn't be in a different country to him, I would never be able to enjoy the wedding. I would also be worried how upsetting for my ds. When my Ds was 3 months old my dh had 3 weeks off. Ds loved having him around however when dh went back to work ds was really upset and obviously missed him, he was really unsettled for at least 2 days.