Am I BU re. DSs naps and bedtime or is DH?

[Mylittlepuds]

My DS mostly has a nap at around 11am, but if we're out and about at baby group he gets too excited and misses it. He'll then nap at around 2pm or 3pm.

If he has a later nap it's a struggle getting him to be at his usual time of 7pm. In fact he's still up now. I don't mind it at all. I quite like him pottering about playing.

My DH on the other hand can't stand it. Literally. It happens quite rarely but when it does he goes in a massive mood. He's in the kitchen now reading his paper and is furious. He rarely gets mad.

He gets angry at me for 'letting' DS have a later nap time. The truth is I need an hour at some point of the day - plus I'm pregnant and tired - and it's also very difficult keeping him awake. I refuse to in fact as it just feels cruel. DH expects me to just not let him sleep if he misses the 11am nap.

I feel it's important to get out and about to baby groups and if he misses his nap so what? It's only every so often. DS is 18 months.

Feedback greatly appreciated.

How often does DH have DS all day by himself?

Oh FFS - No YANBU. Your DH does not live your life and so doesn't understand.

DD is the same and I would be missing our outings (sanity space) just so she has her nap at the right time. I would go insane. So she has only just gone to sleep now.

Have you asked your DH what exactly it is that is upsetting him? Having his DS awake to spend more time with him in the evening? Is that such a bad thing?

Does DH work? If yes...well he should be grateful for some extra time with your LO!

What bit is he angry about - is it the fact that DS is awake at 7? Is DS grumpy if he stays up later than 7 or is it just your man child DH?

Really it doesn't sound normal for him to get irate about this at all unless it causes some great disruption to your Ds's behaviour even then as toddlers get older its quite hard to control the window when they sleep. Of course you should get out, its important to have a network of friends.

DH thinks it's important to have 'our time' on a night which involves me MNetting on sofa and him watching TV

DH does have him on a day about twice a fortnight. He's clearly much better at not letting him go to sleep than me as he's always in bed when I get in from work. I feel quite shit that I'm not the 'mega routine mummy'.

Ha - having "your time" is not necessary EVERY night - and he knows that. I think he just resents having his "ME time" every evening and wants DC out of the way so he can veg.

It seems an odd thing to get so angry about particularly as he is out at work all day.

Really OP its no biggie if your DS isn't in bed for the dot of 7. As he gets older his bed time will get later naturally anyway.

I'd speak to him about it as once the new baby comes it will be doubly important for you and your DS to get out.

I could certainly understand your DH's point of view if you did this every evening, but you say you don't, so he IBU I think.

YANBU.

I think it's quite sad that your DH wouldn't want your DS around in the evening every so often. My DH loved the extra time with our DS if that happened.

Anyway. It will happen more often as your DS's daytime sleep patterns change. As they get older and get closer to dropping the daytime nap completely it gets later gradually. He needs to get used to it.

We are at absolute loggerheads over it. Thanks for your responses as its made me feel like I can stick to my guns without being unreasonable!

My 21 mth old is like this with later naps - but Df understands ( also helps that I bore him silly with books about sleep and actively engage him in my sleep quandaries - ds has never been a sleeper ) so Df asks what time I am expecting ds to go to bed and we work as a team to get the routine right ( Df baths ds and makes sure that the bath finishes about 20 mins before bedtime.

Ps Yanbu - you dh needs to understand baby sleep and nap patterns better - ds is like yours and it's about wakeful periods for him so he won't sleep for at least 5 hours from waking from a nap. Once he understands he might be better about it?

I agree that YANBU, but I don't think the support of MN is going to help defuse the argument with your DH. It sounds like he is really pissed off and that calls for a serious heart to heart where you both try to understand each others needs and feelings, not more discussions about who is right and who is wrong.

First couple of years with a baby put huge strain on relationships, its exactly these minor disagreements where the tension shows.

"DH thinks it's important to have 'our time' on a night which involves me MNetting on sofa and him watching TV"

Hmmm. What's he going to be like in a few years time when your ds does't conveniently disappear at 7 every night? You're a family now-"our" times nice if it happens but family time is where it's at now!

I dunno, I can see your DH's point about having time for the two of you in the evening.

I wouldn't be too happy about an 18 month old up and about after 7.

Why does he nap at such awkward times?

Couldn't he have a short nap before baby group and then a longer one when you got back?

I would do quite a lot to avoid a 2pm or 3pm nap if it meant having a toddler around until 8pm.

My 4 year old doesn't go to bed until that time and it has definitely had a big impact on our evenings.

But she's a big girl and doesn't need constant supervision.

I agree with AThing

The making them nap earlier thing (or keeping them awake til 6/7 if you have not been able to give him a nap) is something all parents have to struggle with so you'd be best to nip this in the bud.

I always wanted my kids in bed by 7 at this age for them and for us.

Ps my children are 10 and 8 and still go to bed by 8pm because I think they still need their sleep at this age - and I still want my evening with my husband or Mumsnet.

Some 2 year olds can quite happily get through the day without a nap, others still very much need it. If your DC needs a nap then you need to plan it. I agree with your DH, I wouldn't want a young child pottering around all evening, you both deserve some down time, plus it gets in to a vicious cycle of waking later next day, or same time but grumpier, then later nap next day, later to bed...etc Personally I do activities in the morning, home by 12.30 quick lunch and then bed. She's is up by 2.30 ready for school run and then in bed by 7. Not napping makes her over tired and then struggle with bed at 7!

Dp is at work most evenings, but I too need dd in bed at a reasonable time so I can just relax. She is 20 months and has similar sleep pattern one nap but after lunchtime, we have a no sleep later than 4 rule as its is impossible to have her in bed on time 7.30ish. The time in the evening is much more important to me than the nap (also pg).

I can see where your dh is coming from but his sulky reaction would pee me off.

How often does it happen?

I think if a child needs a nap at 11am they need a nap then and that is more important that a baby group.

You husband does seem to be overreacting but I can see his point, toddler sleep is important. Does your LO sleep in later after going to bed later? Does that have a knock on effect on the next days naps? If she doesn't sleep in later then she is 'losing' a few hours sleep.

Also agree with Sirzy - if he can't be moved from his 11am nap, then maybe skip the toddler groups. He's still very young.

Could he not have a sleep straight after the baby group? Or maybe if he has to sleep a little later could you maybe make his nap shorter? Personally although I don't think your husband is going about it the right way I do see what he means. It isn't ideal for you or your son to be up that later, and think you should probably try tweaking his naps. Then if it doesn't work at least you've tried!

I can see where you DH is coming from, not his reaction to it but I feel the same way. I get irrationally annoyed when my DCs don't go to sleep at the usual time, I know, I know but I've had three small children all day and I want 'my time' once they are in bed. I can also see your side of it, you do need to get out and your DS needs a nap in the day. Maybe tweak it a bit, I also agree with Sirzy and Athing, he is young and needs a nap.

I'm pretty strict, so is DH, on getting them into bed at the same time each night and I adjust the naps in the day to make sure that happens. Sometimes it just doesn't happen for some reason but its rare. I have 2 yo twins and a 5 yo DS so its really important to me at the moment that they are in bed on time and have a nap in the day. If need be I cut short a nap if it has to be a late one to make sure that the twins are ready for sleep. FWIW DH is full on from when he gets in from work so that we are both involved in the bed time routine.

Okay, so maybe not as clear cut as I thought. It only happens I'd guesstimate once every three weeks or so, but it does drive him bonkers. Yesterday when DS finally feel asleep on my lap we were both so relaxed and comfy there was no way I was waking him up - which involves really just plonking him on the floor which I think is awful! I'd been so busy it was a welcome break, and if it meant later bed time then so be it!

Back to normal today so hopefully DH will be in less of a stinker tonight!