Who is BU regarding DP's cousin trying it on with me?

[SneakyNuts]

DP's cousin recently revealed his feelings for me.

His cousin only ever really see's me/us at parties or in a pub/club so now DP sneers and makes snide remarks when I get dressed up for said occasions, meeting girlfriends etc just in case cousin sees me and tries it on.

DP thinks it is my fault somehow for "letting it happen" but I have told him I put him (his cousin) firmly in his place.
He thinks I should tone it down and perhaps cousin wouldn't feel this way about me if I didn't wear nice clothes/heels/much make- up or style my hair.

I feel I should be able to dress up and go out without being made to feel bad about potential sleazes.

So who is BU?

Run. Run like the wind and don't look back. Would his reaction have been the same if you'd been physically attacked?

You do know that if this cousin didn't take no for an answer, dragged you off and raped you, that prick you call a dp would BLAME YOU, don't you?

Get yourself and your dc.away from him, he'll never protect you from harm, only exacerbate it.

DTMFA.

Leave the bastard.

Not been here long. Is that the correct response?

I think he's just pissed off that it will now be awkward between them (they sometimes work together) etc. I do love him, he's not been like this before.

I was originally going to show him this thread, but after the responses I've had I don't think I should.

Argh

How on earth could you respect such a twit OP?

How long have you been with him?

Why not OP?

I'd want to show him what a bastard he's being!

3 years. He's a great Dad and (usually) really lovely to be with. I didn't expect such a reaction for this reason, but as long as the subject is avoided things are ok.

If I bring it up again the atmosphere will be toxic, we both have sharp tongues

But the atmosphere will be toxic every time you put on a nice dress and go out. I would show him this thread, but send him the link or get it up on your computer screen and then go out - tell him to read it and say you'll talk about it afterwards if he wants, but if he doesn't want to, you won't, however he needs to read all the responses.

You don't need him to do anything other than think. this is how outsiders view your situation.

OP's DP - read this carefully, your partner isn't at fault, your cousin is. Why haven't you wanted to rip a strip off him? Also, do you think that her toning down her clothes and make up will in anyway make someone who's decided to attack her any less likely? Do you see what what your cousin did as an attack?

Sorry Op, but I am not sure how you can avoid discussing it. It will fester away in the background and keep raising its head every time there's a family event or other occasion when you might encounter the cousin. And if DP keeps making comments about how you dress etc, based on his cousin's crass approach to you, it will slowly poison your view of him (DP).

I am genuinely shocked that your DP blames you for this. I think you have to have a very serious discussion and tell him how unacceptable it is that he thinks you had any control over this whatsoever, that it is completely unreasonable to blame the woman in such a situation, that he needs to blame his cousin not you! He shouldn't be hiding this away like something he/you should be ashamed of - my DH would have confronted the cousin by now, what's up with yours? Honestly, I think this is something you've got to discuss as it will seriously damage your relationship otherwise, and he needs to know that. If you find it hard - show him this thread - at the very least, he'll know that his view on this is counter to that of everyone on here.

that's the problem though pretending like this isn't happening is giving the cousin more power , plus his cousin being sleazy to his P in front of him? that's really really disrespectful of him.
Even if you had been sticking your arse in his face you'd think he would think more of his cousin to not hit on his cousin?.
I don't really think you can let this lie.

I forgot to add, his cousin doesn't know that I've told DP (not sure if that's relevant or not)
DP did say he thought cousin had been acting strangely the last few times we've seen him.

I will talk to him about it over the weekend, he'll be more chilled out and we might actually get somewhere.

LTB

OP you need to thread very, very carefully with this man. It doesn't matter how good a dad you think he is.

Would a good dad disrespect the mother of his child so much?

What if his cousin had raped you? Would it be your fault for wearing a dress?

a good dad is a good role model, OP your DP is not, he has shocking views about women! I understand that you have not been privy to them before so it is a surprize for you, but if I were you I'ld count myself lucky that you found out how he thinks from a relatively minor incident rather than comming home to him after being raped to find out what he thinks of women!

What was the cousin trying to do when he was pulling your arm, did he explain himself?

In what way has he 'made his feelings known to you' I don't mean to pry but its it subtle, very obvious has he done it obviously in front of family members his parents etc? if that's the case I'm v. shocked they are just sitting back as if it is acceptable.

Fucking hell. Why exactly are you prepared to be spoken to & treat like this by your DP ?? Your fault??? His parents will think less of you???

He's exactly the kind of bloke who thinks it's ok to rape a woman because she 'asked for it' by wearing a short skirt.

I'd be out of there child & pregnant or not.

I like the simile with the greengrocer who has laid out a beautiful display of fruit and veg. A guy strolling past is very taken by the oranges, which are particularly fine, ripe and shiny. So he snaffles one and goes along his way. Greengrocer looks out, sees him, and being a bit narked, shouts out to the policeman on the corner to nab that man. Policeman duly nabs him. But officer, says the guy, he had them just sitting out looking all tempting, what was I supposed to do? He wanted me to eat them. How can you blame me? Oh right then, fair enough, says Plod, goes back to the greengrocer and reads him a lecture for leaving his shiny fruits out where anyone would be expected to swipe them. Or does he?

Anniegetyourgun - that is an excellent analogy.

OP, it wasn't even vaguely your fault and don't you dare feel even slightly culpable because you looked nice. You could parade around in frilly knickers and nipple tassles, and it wouldn't make it ok for anyone to sexually assault you. As for your DP's reaction... I have no words. Well, I do, but they're not very polite. I'm afraid I would leave over something like this, kids and all.

Erm, why is it your fault? That is some kind of screwed up attitude that us women should dress like nuns or else be forced to fend off the advances of rabid men. This is 2012, not Downton Abbey era. FFS!

I think you need to ditch the DP, and if the cousin told you his feelings in a nice, non sleazy way you may want to consider his feelings on dressing however the hell you like and cop off with him instead. Next he'll be telling you ankles are a step too far to flash!

What a knob.

I want you to think very carefully OP, and be truly open and honest with yourself.

Has the behaviour of your P changed at all in other ways in the last year? Has it changed since you had your child, perhaps when you were PG with your DC?

Please think hard, and tell us. I'm concerned that this is the beginning of a long and sorry thin wedge to highly destructive behaviour.

Analogy, that was the word

Your partner sounds like a knob.

Show him this thread. Think it's the first unanimous LTB one I've ever seen.

Such a good analogy Annie.

Op hope you're ok.