Overbearing parents

[ILoveChristmas01]

Hi,

I need some advice (and I don't mind you being honest if you think I'm in the wrong!).

I am a mum of a 2 1/2 year old little boy, and I work full time and have a very responsible / stressful job (Accountant) and so does my husband. LO goes to a nursery 5 days per week.

We live about and hours drive away from my parents and my MIL. Every weekend we are expected to drive an hour to my parents, then drive 30mins to MIL then drive another hour back home. When you take this travelling and time we actually spend at other peoples houses we are out all day and end up having to take packed lunches to eat in the car etc as we are rushing around all day.

Now, my MIL is quite laid back and understands that we may not visit every week, however my mum is terrible, and expects us every saturday. It got to the point that I was making myself ill always rushing around and I was getting so angry that I had this demand every Saturday.

Working full time with a toddler is hard, at weekends I have shopping to do, housework, washing etc. and visitng one day out of every weekend means that we don't really get much quality time as a family just the 3 of us.

It came to a head a few weeks ago and we ended up having a bit of a row. I got uspet and told my parents it was just too much for me to visit each week, and it just got shrugged it off and said "well your dad and I work full time too!"

Occasionally they come to us instead but as my MIL can't drive we end up going there anyway (hubby is funny about favouring one set of parents so if we see one set we try and see the other....)

Since the argument thngs have been strained between me and my mum and I only hear from her on a sat morning via text where she asks if we are visiting.

She hates it if we do anything with LO, and goes funny with us about that too. We took him to Disneyworld Florida this year (we asked if my parents if they wanted to come and they said no as they like their beach holidays) but since we've been back my mum has not even aknowedged we've been, has not seen any photo's etc. It's mad.

She is totally obssessed with my son and has said many times that weekends are her time to spend with him. I think she feels I should give up my job so I have more time to spend with her on a weekend.

I do feel guilty and hate leaving LO in a nursery 5 days per week, but we live in a great area with fab schools and have a lovely home, and my job pays for this, and I know as he grows up he will have the benefit. My mum does not see this though and it's like she begrudges us.

Do you think I'm fair to ask for some weekends to ourselves?

So sorry for the huge thread but I'm interested to see what others views are?

xx

Nip it in the bud. She's being a child, so let her have her strunt and enjoy the time off from her to let the dust settle. Don't make a scene about it, just make your life the way you want it to be. After a couple of weeks, ask them over for dinner. She loves your DS, it's good for him to have a good relationship with his GPs so longer term it will be better if you are happy with the arrangements.

Giving her airspace to run your life and challenge you on your choices (where you live, how many days you work) is the road to madness. Unless she is offering to look after him 5 days a week and move near you (and you would be happy with that in any case) then it's not even a point for discussion.

OP
In the nicest possible way, grow up!

It seems it is ok for your mum not to be bothered about seeing you, not to put in any effort herself (offering food, driving to you) and so on. And yet you're feeling guilty about not wanting to see her every single weekend.

A question. If you chose how much time you spent with your mum, and how frequently, what would that be? If she wasn't your mum but a friend, and you were visiting for your own enjoyment and pleasure in her company, because you like to see her etc. How often? That's how often to see her!

Honestly, any mum worth her salt would be offering you sympathy and help when you've been ill for a few weeks, not being huffy with you because she hasn't seen your son as much as she'd like.

If you can't handle saying "no, we're not visiting, its too much, we don't want to" then maybe be "ill" for a few more weeks. If she gets "funny" with you, then you can be too ill to answer the phone. Or you could sign your ds up for parent-and-child swim sessions on Saturdays. So sorry Mum, Saturdays are busy now, ds has got to come first you know, what we do for our children!

Seriously, life is too short to spend with people who don't love you for who you are.

You say how she pulls the guilt trip of saying "so and so see's their grandkids everyday"......but imagine how she makes other normal Grandparents feel with her daughter driving an hour each way, every saturday, no matter what!
And not even having to cook or buy in food for them either! She must love this power trip.

Where's your father in all this? Would he do the driving so they could visit you? And what does he say about your mother's antics?

Come on, you're a grown-up! This is mad - your DS doesn't see you all week, he needs to spend the weekend doing fun stuff with his parents not sitting in a car.

I would be 1 Saturday a month visiting each (or alternate one month you visit them, next month they visit you).

You need to change your view of yourself. You are an adult, and a mother. You are not some vessel that produced a GC for your DM to worship, or a taxi service/facilitator. You are getting nothing- out of this relationship. Don't continue it in this way.

What would happen for example if DP took DS to visit his mum, dropping you off on the way to visit with your parents on your own? Would the answer to that be 'I wouldn't be welcome'?

Remember you CAN'T change anyone. You can only change your response...

Weekends are for cleaning, laundry, shopping sorting out the things that need sorting in the house, getting the car sorted, mowing the lawn, planting flowers, washing the dog, taking things to charity shops, seeing friends, joining in community events, taking small children out to petting farms, going swimming, trying out ball play areas, going to air displays, watching birds. You must be so exhausted if you have to fit that into a Sunday (when you should be relaxing and unwinding with coffee and the papers and playing trains on the floor).

I am quite upset at the thought of you driving around every Saturday to visit then having to eat packed lunch in the car!

Once a month is more than they deserve. Look after yourself.

You must be bonkers to do that every week and not be fed. That in itself would be the deal breaker for me.

One weekend a month for visiting or being visited. Maybe you could stay overnight but make sure you are fed whatever you do. I'd make sure they come to you alternative times too. If they can't be bothered then why should you put yourselves out. I'd get DH to pick his mum up sometimes and bring her back to yours.

Don't ask. Tell them how it is going to be from now on. It is not fair on your DS. He needs down time at home.

You're being a doormat, but I imagine it's always been this way for you OP, your mother sounds quite controlling :(
YWNBU to limit it to once a month and you know, they should come to you occasionally too.

Yanbu.

Had similar demands from MIL - she'd forgotten what having young DC was like though like others on here she'd been less into her own child than she apparently in first DGC.

Be busy and put boundaries in place.

IME you also have to be prepared to defend the boundaries in long term and try and avoid expectations being set up. I've fallen foul of the do it once and its then expected every time which you then have to try and manage down.

Your mum sounds like a fucking nightmare.

Tell her to give up work and look after her grandchild if time together means so much to her.

Wow, I'm amazed at the lack of hospitality from your mum. People coming to mine are offered tea/coffee/snacks as a minimum, especially after driving like you do.

On another note, it's not always feasible to ensure equal visiting for grandparents.

My parents see the DCs about twice a week. They are about 15 years younger than DP's mum, who is 83, and has cancer. MIL sees the children about once a fortnight. We all live in the same town. MIL does find it hard seeing the children more frequently because it tires her out. If she could cope with the children more often they would be there. They are not rowdy, etc just children and she needs a lot of rest right now. I visit more often because I do a lot of the caring.

The visits are right for us because it is what is working for the grandparents in question.

I am a granny. I see my grandson once a week when I look after him for the day. I may see him other times at the instigation of his parents, usually with only one of them. Their family time together is only intruded upon at Christmas, when I would be very upset not to see them- unless they were away at the other grannys
If they come here, even unexpectedly, I would start to cook them a meal.
With your mother, I see only take and no give. If she is still working, then your mother cannot be too old to drive. Her "desperation" seems very limited.

What everyone else said. And don't forget how tiring it will be for your DS.

When my DS started nursery (4 days a week) his nursery told us the best thing we could do on weekends / days off was to have relaxed/quietism days to give them a chance to recharge from the hectic pace of nursery.

Your mother should be grateful. Mine lives on the other side of the world and sees her grandson once, or at most twice, a year.

And I'm boggled at her not giving you lunch! That's just rude. If anyone drives an hour to my house, they get fed.

I wouldn't even do every other weekend, as has been suggested.

I would go once a month, Saturday at mum's, Sunday at MILs, 3 or 4 weekends for you to act like the grown up you are!

Just inform her OP, time to make a stand and enjoy your precious family time.

Ps my mother would feed us 24/7 if she could, cannot imagine you visiting but mot having lunch or dinner?!

1. You cannot see everyone for precisely equal amounts of time. You DH needs to get over that. Relationships are about quality not keeping tab of hours!

1. Your mum doesn't sound desperate to see your son if she'll make no attempt to see her under her own steam.

1. Yeah they'll be a row but then there won't be this mad driving nonsense.

1. You have controlling parents and o have them too. I totally understand why you have been doing this but is this what you want forever.

1. Do not make any promises for Xmas, this year or in the future. Decide what you want and do it and don't try to make up for doing what you want either.

1. If she pulls that "x sees her gs everyday" shit say "oh really because strangeglue saw hers once a year if that".

1. An hours drive is not local! They need to get a grip of that.

Sorry to bullet point I have a lot of sympathy and want to help!

Basically, she's telling you to bring her grandson to her once a week, and fuck anything you might want to do.

You are perfectly entitled to organise your own Saturdays, what with being an adult and what have you.

My mother was controplling, and obsessive over ds1. She put the guilt trips, huffs, emotional blackmail on me, so I know how you find yourself in this predicament. However, my mum was ace otherwise and would totally make the effort to come to us. The fact that yours won't is pretty dreadful. She has no respect for your time at all.

When a previous poster told you to grow up, I don't think she was being ill intentioned - she has put it in a nutshell. If my mum were still alive today, I know I would be having none of her pish any more.

I think she'd have respected me more in the end.

I still can't quite get over the fact that you have to take a packed lunch. For fucks sake!!

We see my parents every Saturday, at my instigation, because DH works most Saturdays and we have a fab relationship with them, I enjoy visiting. Then again, I get fed...

Thank you for your replies. I know that some of you have said I need to grow up, I've probably created the impression that I'm a wimp cowering in the corner...... The truth is I'm not at all like that, at work I manage a huge team of staff and have a lot of responsibly and have to stick up for myself. I don't personally know anyone in a position like mine, none if my friends with kids work and live very close to family so they don't have my dilemma. I guess I just wanted to see what others do in my situation.

I can see it ending in a massive row if i cut the time down visiting, and I wanted reassurance that I wasn't being unreasonable before I created what could result in a family rift.

"She is totally obssessed with my son and has said many times that weekends are her time to spend with him."
"She is so OTT with DS it makes you cringe, even my brother has commented that she was never like that with any of us when we were little. "
" she just keeps telling me that so and so see's their grandchildren every day etc. and because we live an hour away it's not like I can pop in for a cuppa after work."

Sorry to say this about your mother ILoveChristmas01, but I can't help feeling that it's not actually about your DS at all, but about keeping up appearances with her friends. If it was about your DS, she'd be driving to you, and would have jumped at the chance to come on holiday with you.She's been making you dance to her tune for over two years now. Enough is enough. Time to lay down the law. From now on, she drives to you.

Now you did say "hubby is funny about favouring one set of parents so if we see one set we try and see the other" Maybe he's just funny about your parents being favoured over his mum? ANd she doesn't drive. Would it be feasible for your DH to collect her and she stays overnight. Yes, she'll them get to see your DS more than your parents, but if it puts your mother's nose out of joint, you could always suggest she could pick his mum up on her way to yours and drop her back off on the way home.

My mum lives about 45 minutes away and we see her once or twice a month. My MIL lives 3 hours away and we see her every 3ish months. That seems more than reasonable to me and compared to what friends do!

if your mother has any sense it wouldn't end in a row as you have what she wants - her GS. personally i would offer her the chance of visiting you - but be specific about which day suits - maybe friday evening and you can go out shopping/drinking etc with partner?

that way the ball is in her court - to compromise more

good luck. let us know how it goes please

we had the opposite problem with my mum - we would ask about visiting and she would say i'll check with my partner (she was living at his house) and that would be the last of it. as a result none of us are close to her which is a shame

Yanbu at all!!

I sometimes feel the same, that we have to please both sets of our parents, and they so love seeing our DS but it is tiring every weekend and sometimes you can feel like you can't make plans because weekends are spent visiting.

Maybe do every other weekend?

You may well be assertive in your job, but in your family life you are allowing your mum to treat you like a child and dictate how you and your family spend your limited weekend time.