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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Overbearing parents

79 replies

ILoveChristmas01 · 01/11/2012 12:42

Hi,

I need some advice (and I don't mind you being honest if you think I'm in the wrong!).

I am a mum of a 2 1/2 year old little boy, and I work full time and have a very responsible / stressful job (Accountant) and so does my husband. LO goes to a nursery 5 days per week.

We live about and hours drive away from my parents and my MIL. Every weekend we are expected to drive an hour to my parents, then drive 30mins to MIL then drive another hour back home. When you take this travelling and time we actually spend at other peoples houses we are out all day and end up having to take packed lunches to eat in the car etc as we are rushing around all day.

Now, my MIL is quite laid back and understands that we may not visit every week, however my mum is terrible, and expects us every saturday. It got to the point that I was making myself ill always rushing around and I was getting so angry that I had this demand every Saturday.

Working full time with a toddler is hard, at weekends I have shopping to do, housework, washing etc. and visitng one day out of every weekend means that we don't really get much quality time as a family just the 3 of us.

It came to a head a few weeks ago and we ended up having a bit of a row. I got uspet and told my parents it was just too much for me to visit each week, and it just got shrugged it off and said "well your dad and I work full time too!"

Occasionally they come to us instead but as my MIL can't drive we end up going there anyway (hubby is funny about favouring one set of parents so if we see one set we try and see the other....)

Since the argument thngs have been strained between me and my mum and I only hear from her on a sat morning via text where she asks if we are visiting.

She hates it if we do anything with LO, and goes funny with us about that too. We took him to Disneyworld Florida this year (we asked if my parents if they wanted to come and they said no as they like their beach holidays) but since we've been back my mum has not even aknowedged we've been, has not seen any photo's etc. It's mad.

She is totally obssessed with my son and has said many times that weekends are her time to spend with him. I think she feels I should give up my job so I have more time to spend with her on a weekend.

I do feel guilty and hate leaving LO in a nursery 5 days per week, but we live in a great area with fab schools and have a lovely home, and my job pays for this, and I know as he grows up he will have the benefit. My mum does not see this though and it's like she begrudges us.

Do you think I'm fair to ask for some weekends to ourselves?

So sorry for the huge thread but I'm interested to see what others views are?

xx

OP posts:
EldritchCleavage · 01/11/2012 13:14

It sounds as though it is pretty much impossible to keep your mother happy, so give up on that idea and do what is right for you and your son and DH while ensuring you and your father get to stay involved.

p.s. don't whatever you do promise her every Xmas, or alternate Xmases. Keep it flexible!

Original poster
ILoveChristmas01 · 01/11/2012 13:14

Thanks so much for all of your comments.

I seems the more I pull away from my mum the funnier she is with me. I have spent the last 2 weekend away from her (due to us being ill etc.) and I have felt so much better and it has made me realise how much it has been getting me down.

OP posts:
EldritchCleavage · 01/11/2012 13:15

Sorry, 'while ensuring she and your father get to stay involved.' Doh!

Coconutty · 01/11/2012 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ivykaty44 · 01/11/2012 13:16

It is so difficult as she just keeps telling me that so and so see's their grandchildren every day etc.

I have a teenager who does this - such and such is allowed to do this and such and such gets to see this and that.

Your mother is behaving in a spoilt entitled teenager way and you are enabling it by your own manner and to stop it happening you need to be
firm, patient and loving.

Tell you mum that other people can do what they like but you are spending weekends at home- she is welcome to visit, your dh is welcome to pick up his mother and bring her over.

Of course if you mother doesn't want to come to your house then that is fine but she must not complain. She must also know that as he gets older his life will also take over with activities and they will have to adjust to this as you are not making him miss out for them.

As for sarnies in the car Shock don't they feed you lunch when you visit Hmm

Original poster
ILoveChristmas01 · 01/11/2012 13:19

Haha - no lunch when we visit.....

OP posts:
dreamingofsun · 01/11/2012 13:23

are there no buses or trains between where you and they live? I would visit them once or twice a month and then ask them to visit once or twice. if they are keen to see their grandchild i would use this time to shop or do other jobs and let them babysit. i would be pretty clear on how long and when they would visit.

i spent every christmas with IL's. My IL's are lovely but i did this mainly to keep the piece. I did however say that once we had children we would be having christmas at home - the compromise was that anyone was welcome to come and stay with us. We always have something planned for the day after boxing day so they have to go home then.

pictish · 01/11/2012 13:23

You are going to have to stand up to your mother OP.
You are an adult now with your own family, and that takes priority.
Once a month should be the new arrangement, and hard though it will be to brave it out with her, brave it out you must.

Every single Saturday is a wholly unreasonable demand. She clearly only thinks of her own wants.

Stop doing it!

seventiesgirl · 01/11/2012 13:27

If it is going to lead to an argument you are better having it sooner rather than later, postponing it will make you ill. Feel the fear and do it anyway! Good luck.

honeytea · 01/11/2012 13:30

I think you need to really put your foot down, offer her one regular weekend a month, maybe the first or last, then you can spontaneously pop over if and when you all have time.

How rude that they don't even give you lunch!

It isn't really about what your mum feels/wants it is about what is best for you and your dp and child.

Good luck!

ivykaty44 · 01/11/2012 13:31

No lunch - I can't imagine driving my dd's round to me ex MIL and not being offered lunch ffs

diddl · 01/11/2012 13:32

If you get on with MIL (and she feeds you!) I would spend time with her & pop to your parents for a cup of tea on the way home-or not bother.

Doesn´t sound as if you get much/anything from seeing them.

I find my ILs really hard to get on with-my husband does too!

But at least we get well fed!

Alaska77 · 01/11/2012 13:35

Crikey, definitely one to nip in the bud now. I agree with the other posters that once birthday parties start your diary will be crammed!
DS turned 3 in August. We had 14 bday parties to go to this past summer!He's is also at nursery 5 days a week whilst DH and I work full time. Been like this since he was 7mo. Like you, our jobs have enabled us to have a decent house in a nice area and enough money to have nice days out and holidays when we are all together. We all cherish this time.

I think once a month is frequent enough to visit. In between times there is always the telephone or Skype if you both have the internet (if not and funds will allow, seriously consider it). My DS also looooves getting letters from his GPs. There's lots of ways to keep in touch that don't involve you driving for miles every Saturday.

3nationsfamily · 01/11/2012 13:36

This is when I'm glad that both my parents and In Laws live hundreds of miles away and we see them 2-3 times a year for about a week at a time. Much easier to manage all round! Once the LO gets older and wants to play on a football team, or go camping with cubs, or any of you want to HAVE A LIFE then there is no way you can keep this up. So set the ground rules now - putting the onus on them to travel to you if they want to see more of the LO.

Original poster
ILoveChristmas01 · 01/11/2012 13:44

The funny thing is when I was growing up she couldn't wait for me to move out. She is so OTT with DS it makes you cringe, even my brother has commented that she was never like that with any of us when we were little. It's almost like she's over compensating!

I think that makes it even worse, the fact that she isn't bothere about me she just wants her grandson......

diddl - MIL does not feed us either....... although she is easier to get on with!

OP posts:
diddl · 01/11/2012 13:51

Why don´t they feed you?

I´m always grateful that MIL does tbh as there is just the 2 of them & 4 of us so she´s doing three times as much as she normally would!

Dad´s on his own so when the 4 of us descend we tend to cook.

Although if it´s just me he makes a point of cooking!

I´d at least be getting stuff in for you to cook for yourselves (if you wanted)

NigellaTufnel · 01/11/2012 13:54

I hate to say this but lack of family time with just the three of you could actually harm your relationships as a family. You need to think of it as putting your DC first, rather than snubbing your mother.

lovebunny · 01/11/2012 13:59

don't ask your parents and inlaws what's going to happen - tell them. don't accept any discussion. 'mum, this is how it has to be'.

i suggest:
two weekends every calendar month you have with your dh/dp and ds, doing whatever you like or need to do.
one weekend in every calendar month you invite all the grandparents to yours for a day - you choose, saturday or sunday. they choose whether or not to come, but the date you have chosen is non-negotiable.
one weekend, you visit them the way you have so far.
if there's a fifth weekend, its yours!

you can tell them i told you that, if you like.

of course grandparents long to see you and ds. but they can put themselves out a bit. you are fully adult now and have to be respected as such - your family life is the future of the family, not theirs. its nature. they need to suck it up.

you can tell them i told you that, too. i love annoying my age-mates.

lovebunny · 01/11/2012 14:00

oh, and i think i've been exceptionally generous to the grandparents!

whiteandyelloworchid · 01/11/2012 14:02

your mum sounds like a nightmare, perhap suse this as a chance to set some claer boundrys

perhaps if she loves your ds that much she oculd look after him one or two days per week

WinkyWinkola · 01/11/2012 14:11

Yes, my dh often is amazed at his mother's obsession with our dcs when she has never been that bothered about him. He thinks it odd, ott and overbearing. And it's all about her needs and empty life, not her truly loving the gcs.

That's just his opinion though.

Op, your mother sounds like a bully. I would just do what you want and let her get a strop on. Very arrogant of her to thin you will spend every Sat with her. And to expect holidays every year with you.

When exactly do you get quality time with YOUR son?

maddening · 01/11/2012 14:12

I would reduce it to you going there 1 weekend a month and them coming to you 1 weekend a month. So having 2 weekends to yourself.

I would go to your mum's on a Friday night and stay over so she gets to help with baths and stuff too and a full day Saturday. Then Saturday dinner time go to mil and stay over the same and go home Sunday afternoon.

The next week is your weekend then the week after it's gps - maybe they take a Saturday or a Sunday or 1 weekend your Dm stays over and the next time mil does it so it's fair.

So you have alternate free weekends and GP weekends either you over there or them to you.

I think visiting for longer than a morning or afternoon would help Dm feel she is getting more valuable time as well.

halcyondays · 01/11/2012 15:27

Yanbu.

manchestermummy · 01/11/2012 15:37

The thing is that at some point, your DC might well have activities that he wants to do at the weekend, swimming, football, whatever. And he might start having birthday parties etc to go to as well. We used to find that my parents and MIL (FIL lives some distance away) demanded our time on the weekend, but there came a point when it simply was not fair to our DC to stop them doing something, even if that something was pottering around in the garden wiht DH and I! I used to work full-time so yes, weekends were precious for us as a family. Always have been for DH. Now that DD1 is at school, they've become more precious if you like and if anyone has a monopoly in spending time with our DC, it's DH and I!

So YANBU. Your mother, on the other hand, IBCAUR (is being completely and utterly ridiculous!).

Astelia · 01/11/2012 15:47

You go all that way and they don't even feed you? They are not making any effort whatsoever are they?

When my DCs were small and DH and I both worked FT we didn't even get to see the parents once a month. We were just far too busy. We saw DH's parents about once every two months (one hour away) and mine twice a year (they were 6 hours away).

As everyone else says, you are a grown woman and should be taking control of your own life, not dancing to your mother's tune. If she wants to throw a tantrum let her. Smile and ignore.

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