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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off that DP has ordered a £1000 bike

87 replies

Iodine · 31/10/2012 17:25

It's through the bike to work scheme so DP sees it as "only £x a month". Trouble is this is on top of "only" £50 a month gym membership, £60 a month boat maintenance etc etc. He earns just slightly above the average wage but I am unemployed at the moment (trying really hard to not be) so he has to pay for all rent, bills food etc.

The worst thing is DP doesn't even cycle. He the least likely person to cycle, especially as winter is here now. He has no intention of cycling to work even though its only 3 miles away, as he doesn't want to arrive to work sweaty. There is a shower but it, of course, doesn't live up to his standards.

We also don't have any space for his bike. He wants it to go in the spare room on the cream carpet. The only space is in front of the wardrobe in there which happens to contain all my clothes as he threw a hissy fit at the thought of sharing the huge in built on in our bedroom.

The only thing I have bought in the 2 months since becoming unemployed is fuel to get to job interviews. Nothing else. I don't see any of his money, whatever he has left at the end of the month is his to spend. Last month he spent £300 on a leather jacket that he didn't particularly need.

AIBU to be angry at him buying the sodding bike?

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 01/11/2012 11:18

"I gave up my job as we relocated for him to start a new job."
SO you are willing to sacrifice a job (which might also involve sacrificing career prospects and financial security/independence) and he isn't even willing to sacrifice wardrobe space? Confused

Why are you with this man?

iknowwho · 01/11/2012 11:20

I know the bloke is being a knob here but 1K is about right for a decent bike tbh. It's not hugely expensive for something that will be used every day although I suspect it won't be in this case.
I'm not saying it's right what he has done and I would be running far far away if he was my partner.
I avoided the cycle to work scheme because 1K was the limit you could spend on a bike (including accessories)

diddl · 01/11/2012 11:32

Er LTB?...

Sorry, but he bought something because everyone else was???

I know a couple who both work, have free GP childcare & when one buys something for themselves, then the other doesConfused

They have remortgaged the house...

OneMoreChap · 01/11/2012 11:45

He does sound a bit hard work.

You moved for him and his job - what was the agreement - you live in his place and keep yourself when you get a job, or he keeps you...

Do you think he should give you an allowance?

Otherwise... it is actually his money, YAB a tiny bit U

Bit daft having to have clothes in another room - it's like having a dressing room! and doesn't sound at all sensible.

The 25k career debt; what term is the loan on. A lot of loans the rate's so low there's not much rush to pay them off.

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/11/2012 12:24

Shock Dear god have just read some of your previous threads as they were alluded to above. Shock

this one, re his using you as a chauffeur and this one, re his using you as a skivvy

You are not married to him. You have no children. I rarely say this, but please please please - you need to get out of this relationship. He is a user and he will not change. As far as he is concerned, you exist only to meet his needs and whims, you are not a person in your own right in his eyes, let alone a person to be cared for.

You said in the driving thread (indeed, it was your opening sentence) "Before people tell me to LTB, things are already in hand." Now, just three days later, you are "giving him until Christmas but really don't see it working out.". Why the shift? Has your anger really subsided so easily? Or has he ground your confidence and self-esteem down that much?

diddl · 01/11/2012 12:35

Were you living together before you relocated?

If so, I can´t help thinking why didn´t you stay put until you had a job in the new area?

That said-if he´s not willing to support you until you get a job-he doesn´t sound any great shakes tbh.

soorploom · 01/11/2012 12:38

i have a friend with a dh like this
she is at home with the dcs and shopping in poundstretcher charity shops etc and he spends HIS money on HIS expensive hobbies motorbikes, flying lessons etc
i know she will never leave him for whatever reason
it makes me really sad becuase i think it is a form of control and abuse
please don't get into this kind of situation

CalmingMiranda · 01/11/2012 12:51

You gave up your own income, your financial independence, for a man who won't allow you to share wardrobe space? Who treats you like a skivvy and humiliates you in front of his friends, while relying on you to drive him around?

He spends money on a 'trophy bike' but will not buy you a drink?

Sorry, whatever I could say about him is irrelevant. he won't change. What I say to you mivght hopefully be relevant and enable you to save yourself. YOU are being a fool. YOU are ruining your own life. YOU are not taking responsibility for your own happiness and well being.

Think you are special enough that he will do anything not to lose you? Think you are caring and strong enough to be The One to make him change? Think again. You are deluding yourself for some reason.

And if you are special, and strong (as you no doubt are, somewhere under pandering to this selfish prick of a man) then you can get, and deserve, someone who treats you as an equal, and with love and care.

If you don't care for your self, you can bet your bottom dollar no one else will.

MulledWineOnTheBusLady · 01/11/2012 12:52

I've looked over your threads too. Are you going out with my ex??

They really never change. Get out now, and have your first of many joyous Christmases WITHOUT this immature, self-absorbed, unpleasant knobber. Even if it's just sleeping on your mate's sofa, you'll have a better time.

And don't try to argue with him about it either, if he's anything like my knobber was he'll suddenly be all hurt and you'll be the bad guy. Which if you're like I was, you'll hate and you'll cave in because you've been brought up to be the Nice, Polite Girl who Gives People a Second/Third/Fourth/Fifth Chance. Fuck that. Just leave, be civil, don't get drawn into arguing about it, and make yourself a life.

Original poster
Iodine · 01/11/2012 12:56

Diddl- Yes we were living together beforehand. Things came to a head with my job, I was signed off for stress from bullying at work. It was either leave the job and move with him or be admitted into hospital. Things were that bad.

He agreed to support me until I got a job, which it turns out is harder here than expected. Even christmas temp jobs are getting hundreds of applicants.

I don't expect an allowance but I don't expect to be stressing over money to the point of only eating one meal a day when he is spending so much money on himself.

I wish it was just as easy as walking out of the door with my head held high but it isn't. I don't have the strength to do this, it takes all my energy to get out of the house to put the bins out. I am really struggling with my anxiety.

OP posts:
iknowwho · 01/11/2012 13:01

Why are you only eating one meal a day? Is it because of the stress or because of lack of money/ food?

expatinscotland · 01/11/2012 13:03

Can you move in with your family, Iodine, because if you were my daughter I'd come over there and get you myself.

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/11/2012 13:07

Iodine, I am sorry to hear about the work-related stress - I had similar a long time ago and ended up signed off for months and in therapy. It destroys your confidence and sense of self. Ten years later I am still feeling its impact.

But, but, but - in your vulnerable state, staying with him is the worst place you could be. Even if it is just subconsciously, he is seeing your emotional vulnerability as an opportunity. He can rule you like a tyrant and you won't have the strength to object.

Can you go visit family/friends for a while, even just a few days?

MulledWineOnTheBusLady · 01/11/2012 13:11

Oh Iodine. [hsad] I would come and get you if I were your mum too.

Your situation sounds shit, don't underestimate that. It's easily done when you're struggling through each day, getting lower and lower. You forget how far you've fallen from a normal, happy life.

You sound like you're in more than enough trouble to ask for proper "Get me out of here" help.

OneLittleToddlingTerror · 01/11/2012 13:12

According to an internal newsletter at my company, the average spend on the cycle to work scheme is £750. So I can understand where he got the 'everyone got an expensive one' from. But given your circustances, I think's very unreasonable of him.

OneLittleToddlingTerror · 01/11/2012 13:13

But really he shouldn't be silly with his money like this if you want to have a future together Sad

CalmingMiranda · 01/11/2012 13:15

Really sorry things have been so bad for you.

But his treatment of you while you are already in such a vulnerable state could easily make you worse - almost certainly IS making you worse. He should be boosting you up, giving you self confidence, helping you repair your self esteem, not trampling it underfoot!!

Life isn't ever easy. Do you have any friends back on your old area? See an employment lawyer (free half hour introductory consultation) and see if you could claim for constructive dismissal - no one should be forced out of a job due to bullying.

Stop worrying about eating. Eat 3 good meals a day.

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/11/2012 13:19

Something else from another of your threads Sad
"Every time I try to tell DP that I want to leave it's like I've flipped a switch on him. He stops shouting and arguing and sits down and tells me to not be so silly, why would I want to throw this away?"

Seriously Iodine, I wonder if your being bullied at work is a direct consequence of you being bullied by him. He ground you down and made you easy meat for your workplace bully.

He is damaging you.

And the answer to his question is "Because it is not worth having." Sad

MulledWineOnTheBusLady · 01/11/2012 13:25

Oh christ, I'd not read that! I withdraw the thing about telling him you're leaving, then. Don't bloody tell him at all, just have somewhere to go, pack when he's at work, and go!

diddl · 01/11/2012 13:25

Well I would say if the money was "going spare" then fine, let him spend it on whatever.

But he promised to support you until you got a job.

He isn´t-I´d leave for that alone tbh.

I can´t abide spendthrifts tbh.

I couldn´t be with someone who had vastly differing ideas about money.

dreamingbohemian · 01/11/2012 13:33

Iodine, what kind of real-life support do you have? Family, friends?

Because you know you have to leave. He's useless. Let us help you figure out how to do it.

CalmingMiranda · 01/11/2012 13:36

He is manipulative.

OneMoreChap · 01/11/2012 13:44

Iodine
He agreed to support me until I got a job, which it turns out is harder here than expected.

'kay. To my mind that includes feeding you and you having some sort of bloody allowance...

He's a dick. Look for support elsewhere.

Original poster
Iodine · 01/11/2012 15:31

I don't have any friends. I lost everyone when I moved away and became very introverted due to my awful job. I went away for a training course for my job when I started and didn't come back for three and a half months. I spent all that time alone in a hotel going crazy, it was not a part of the job that was advertised. Added to that the bullying and obviously I was not a good friend. I have tried to see people when I go back but they are not interested. And I don't blame them.

Things are not good in my family at the moment. I don't want to be a burden on them.

OP posts:
KenLeeeeeee · 01/11/2012 15:51

I feel really sad for you, OP. I think you know you need to LTB but you need to be ok with that and have the confidence to go ahead and DO it. It sounds like a very toxic relationship which is doing naff all for your self esteem. Don't be afraid of "burdening" your family. This is what families are for!