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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be a bit annoyed with DH for giving DS a toy 'we' don't approve of?

96 replies

Jojoba1986 · 26/10/2012 22:01

DS has just turned 1 & was given a My First Mp3 Player by a close acquaintance. I appreciate the thought but I've always had strong feelings about gadget-y type toys for little ones which I thought DH understood & supported. At the moment I'm stuck in bed at 8 weeks pregnant with awful nausea & dizziness so DH is looking after DS & chose to give him the toy. He then came upstairs & said, "You're probably going to be cross but..."

I know that him playing with it once isn't going to instantly going to rot his mind or anything but it's the principle of the thing. I thought DH & I had agreed that we weren't going to give DS electronic toys yet & I feel a bit like he's just undermined our parenting choices, albeit on a minor thing.

AIBU to feel a little upset with him for doing something he knew I wouldn't like?

(This isn't a natural vs electronic toy thread. It's our choice which we have discussed at length to come to our decision. Also, DS has lots of new toys which aren't gadget-y that DH could have given him!)

OP posts:

IneedAsockamnesty · 26/10/2012 23:35

yabu.

your dh didnt go out and pick then buy the toy. it was a igift from someone who clearly didnt know about the rule

DoMeDon · 26/10/2012 23:39

OP has been to great lengths to say it is not about the choice of toy or their original decision. She is annoyed he did something he knew she wouldn't like without any discussion. If it was something more important, OP would get backing, as most posters disagree about subject she gets no backing. Fact is they had a 'deal' and he broke it- over something minor maybe, but it does show lack of respect for her as he knew it was important to her. I would want my partner to value my strongly held beliefs enough to manage for more than one day.

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 26/10/2012 23:47

YANBU

It is not about the 'toy', it's about the fact that he knew it would upset/annoy you/you don't think it's good for DS and he chose to do it anyway because he doesn't respect you or the agreement you made. If he respected you he could have said to you 'I don't agree with this no gadgets thing' and I want DS to have the toy x gave him'.

It is also about the fact that look after DS 98% of the time and go by the 'rules' you have jointly decided, even if you don't 100% agree with them, yet he has DS on his own for 5 minutes and take the easy route/does something he knows is 'against' what you two have decided.

However, and for what it's worth, I think you should review some of these 'rules', relax and just enjoy DS and parenting together - but that's just MHO.

Floggingmolly · 26/10/2012 23:48

Yes, DoMeDon, if it was about something more important the op would get backing. You're right, she probably would.

12ylnon · 26/10/2012 23:50

I agree with Natashabee. It would have been rude not to pass on the gift to your DS.

If you were studying early years education, then i presume that you're familiar with the eyfs, which puts quite a bit of emphasis on technology.
This is the 21st century, children will have mp3 players, like most of us had tape players or walkmen. It's a great resource, and your DS will soon be able to independently listen to songs and audio books that he enjoys.

pigletmania · 26/10/2012 23:52

Life is not ridged, your dh is the parent too, they Sunday like they are your rules nt nesessarily his. He only gave your ds a toy anot a can of coke. If this s what you get fussed about heaven help you as it gets more complicated as tey get older

DoMeDon · 26/10/2012 23:54

Thanks Flog but I knew I was right on that. It is the principle which is important, not the subject. Whatever the subject he knew she would be upset, a quick chat about it would have negated any bad feeling and been the caring, respectful approach.

ProbablyDoingTheWrongThing · 26/10/2012 23:55

Is this it ?? www.amazon.co.uk/FIRST-PLAYER-CHILDREN-MUSICAL-LEARNING/dp/B006PC79N8/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1351291855&sr=8-1 It looks fab and baby won't have a clue it's a gadget as he uses it as a hammer or somesuch

pigletmania · 26/10/2012 23:56

We re in the age of technology yur child will be using gadgets at school, what is wrong with them. My dd ASD see my I pad to help reading, problem solving etc it been invaluable

StateofConfusion · 26/10/2012 23:56

My 5 and 3yo's listen to music on mp3 players all the time, in fact the 5yo has his own ipod. I'm trained in early years education too and I know musics exceptionally good for them, they both have a keen interest in it and very personal likes and dislikes. At 1yo my ds was always having a listen to mine or his dads.
Guess what he's clever and polite and spends hours playing like a normal child too. Good luck with 2 dc if something like this bothers you!

LadyWidmerpool · 27/10/2012 00:04

If you are incapacitated your DH will be under extra strain too. I think you should cut him some slack. I hope you feel better soon.

CaliforniaLeaving · 27/10/2012 00:13

In the great scheme of things this should be a non issue. You aren't feeling well and you Dh gave him something that is new and fun and it'll keep him from screaming the house down while you rest. It can always disappear once you are feeling better.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 27/10/2012 00:16

That's what I was thinking, LadyWidmerpool and BustersofDoom - the OP's oh is using this toy to ease things a bit, so he can look after the OP, the baby and the house.

OP - your ds isn't going to get addicted to this toy in a few hours or even days, and when you are better and back on your feet, you can slide this gadget into the background and concentrate on the toys you prefer. Plus you will be able to show your ds how a gadget can be a fun thing, but that there are so many other fun things in life too, and as long as there's a balance, that's fine.

NeedlesCuties · 27/10/2012 07:29

I second what ChippingIn said.

OP, honestly I was a lot like you, especially with my 1st DC. I was in bed with hyperemesis from about week 5-week 11 when pregnant with DC2, including a few days in hospital. That hospital stay was the first time I wasn't "in charge" of the house and wasn't the person who was looking after DS. When I was sick I learnt a lot about letting small things slide and trusting DH to do what was best for DS, even if it wasn't what I'd initially planned.

Congrats on your preg :)

CailinDana · 27/10/2012 07:39

I understand you're hurt but as others have said, you should let this go. It's an issue that's important to you personally, but as it won't actually hurt your DS and your DH is "in charge" so to speak it's not worth getting into a row over. Did you ask him why he decided to go against the decision?

slartybartfast · 27/10/2012 07:50

does your ds like the mp3 player?

FredFredGeorge · 27/10/2012 08:17

You agree it's unimportant. So it's not reallly undermining your parenting choice, he did an unimportant thing which he chose to do while you weren't available to discuss it.

If it was an important thing (suddenly starting to use physical discipline say!) then you'd have a point, over if he should play with a particular toy your baby had already been given. YABU.

YWABU for not letting a child play with a toy your friend close acquaintance had given you btw.

scarevola · 27/10/2012 08:25

He doesn't attach the same importance to the issue, or have such clear recollection of discussions from some years (?) ago.

You may find that quite a number of matters that you thought you had a view on before you actually had a child get altered in this way (by either one of you). It's not about "undermining" anyone, it's about the difference between theory and practice and it happens all the time.

I'd really let this one go, as the issue is transient and minor (take the MP3 player away out of sight as soon as DS's interest in it wanes a fraction. Say a few hours?)

mumto2andnomore · 27/10/2012 08:30

I'm guessing you are bored in bed with lots if time to think and this has developed into a huge issue , honestly it isn't ! I feel sorry for your dh if he has to go along with all these rules, try just going with the flow a bit more

Sirzy · 27/10/2012 08:30

I agree with the majority here. I think as a parent being flexible is vital circumstances change, children and parents change and although you can start off with all the ideals in the world but when it comes to it they often don't work in real life.

Hiding a child from technology in this day and age does them no good. Technology is everywhere and will play a major part in your child's life whether you like it or not.

I think expecting him to run every little thing past you, especially when you are ill is slightly over the top to. I could well imagine an "AiBU to think he should be able to look after him without checking everything with me" type thread on here having a resounding yanbu response

Iggly · 27/10/2012 08:34

YANBU

It's the principle, not the actual toy itself.

And your DH knew you'd be cross as he himself said!!

nocake · 27/10/2012 08:44

Your DH didn't give him the toy to piss you off. He gave it to him because he's looking after DS and needed something to keep him quiet while he did whatever chores need doing. If it worked then well done your DH for coming up with a solution rather than not doing the chores or asking you to mind DS.

You need to cut him some slack and be grateful that he's doing a good job of looking after DS and you. If the toy is still bugging you when you're up and about just remove it.

MagicHouse · 27/10/2012 08:46

I vaguely get where you're coming from with the gadgets things, but really not with an MP3 player, where all it does is play music!!! Surely music should be an important part of a baby's life???? Sounds like your dh needs to tiptoe round you a bit, which isn't healthy.
And I'm sorry but I agree with lots of other posters who say that when you parent, you find yourself relaxing all sorts of rules you thought you'd stick to. I bet your dh realised your son would love the toy, it wouldn't harm him, and wanted to give him something he'd enjoy. Maybe playing music to your baby is important to him, and the only way it was going to happen was by giving him this toy one day when you were in bed, as you're so inflexible about it.
If he had said, "I really would like ds to have this toy, I want him to listen to music.... etc" would you have listened?

RubyCreakingGates · 27/10/2012 08:49

Are you sure that it WAS a joint decision? Not you telling him how you wanted things to be while he had no input?

Because parenting IS 50/50, what input has your DH had? Presumably he's doing his best to look after DC1 and needed some extra help from the MP3 player because he doesn't have your Early Years training. Some of us need all the help we can get.

Perhaps your DH feels he's being side=lined in childcare decision making because you think as you have the training, you know everythin gthere is to know about it, and need no input from anyone. But the children are his too. He should get some say in how they are parented, and it sounds like he thought a novel toy would give him a precious 5 minutes peace.

If the toy linked to earlier is the one he's playing with then I feel no long-term harm can come to a child who presses a few buttons and is introduced to some classical music. That sounds like part of the EYFS to me, not something to be avoided. He's hardly left your DC in front of a beeping, bouncing light-filled monstrosity brain-rotting while he drinks 5 cans of beer.

fluffygal · 27/10/2012 08:53

Of course, you should be grateful that your OH is looking after his own son.

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