Not to invite a friend to a party after she invited us to hers!

[Ilovecake1]

My daughter is having a party and only inviting 3 friends as she has autism and would be unable to cope with a full house! Invites have gone out about 2 wks ago! On Friday my little one received an invite from a friend(child in the class) party the following day to my daughters party. I just feel really bad now and feel i should invite her to my daughters party...but really don't want to as my daughter really doesn't want her to be invited! Do we just not go to her party as I feel guilty and my daughter isn't bothered anyway? Or should I invite her to my daughters party(although my daughter really doesn't want that)? What would you guys do?

dont change your daughters birthday plans and dont go to the party if your daughter is not bothered about going

How big is the other party? If that child has invited loads of children she won't expect the same number of reciprocal invitations.

There are 5 going to the other party....I really don't want to "spoil" my daughters party as this is her first real party and its a huge step that she has taken to even want a party! Just feel mega guilty....

I think it would be rude to accept her invite and then not invite her to your dd's party. Probably best to decline.

Argh, five is very small.

Although if the mother is at all nice you can have a quiet word and explain what a big deal it is for dd to have a party at all, and she had already chosen a while ago, hope not offended, etc. Chances are she won't mind a bit, if as I say she is remotely nice.

People don't expect reciprocal invitations even for completely NT children. Your daughter's particular needs make it even more forgiveable.

Yes, have a word with the mother. If your daughter wants to go to the party then let her, and invite the other little girl round for tea after school one day soon instead. I have read a lot of posts on MN where parents of children with SN feel their children are excluded from parties and invites. Here one little girl clearly likes your daughter enough to invite her to quite a small party, so as long as your DD likes the girl too you should surely try to nurture that in a way that doesn't mean your DD doesn't enjoy her party.

I really can't do it...the mum can be a bit funny and couldn't risk it! Even if my little one would have received the invite before we sent out ours I really don't think I could have done anything differently...We will just decline the invite and hope she doesn't hear about my daughters party from other mums!!!

I think there is more chance of the mum being "a bit funny" if you just decline and don't mention your party.

What is wrong with just explaining your daughter's difficulties to the other mum and asking her if, bearing in mind the very small number of invitees, she wants to simply withdraw the invitation and invite someone else instead, or if heer daughter is likely to be upset if your daughter doesn't go.

It would take a pretty unreasonable cowbag to get in a huff. And if she does then what have you actually lost?

If there are only 3 girls going, she's unlikely to hear about it and no reasonable person could get annoyed by not being invited to such a small party. If I were you I would lie about a previous commitment on the day of the other girl's party so as not to cause offence.

I certainly wouldn't accept the invitation if your DD isn't bothered about going. I also wouldn't feel obliged to invite the child back.
However, I would say its even more important in this situation to teach your DD about respecting other's feelings. Would she feel sad if the children invited to your her party 'weren't bothered' about coming?

Of course YANBU.
What you are thinking is the bit where you are being daft. Some people have little parties, some people have big parties, some mad fools have whole class parties, and some children don't have parties at all. The host should choose who they wish to celebrate their birthday with, there is no "should" about it. Ever. If there were, then it certainly isn't the case after the event as it were - your dd has already invited her choice of friends, and the other child has still invited her, even though she wasn't invited to your dds. If anything, it would look odd if you suddenly added her, late, to the guest list... be obvious you were just inviting her because you felt you ought to.

Respecting others feelings.....My little one does not understand anything about other people's feelings...although we work on this on a regular basis due to autism she is unable to achieve this goal!!

I am extremely grateful that she has received an invite but I can't make my daughter want to go...she is extremely truthful!!! (Truthful to the point of telling a teacher in school today that she looked as if she was pregnant-the teacher is near retirement) she wasn't being cheeky just saying what she sees! Sorry off topic a bit there! Lol.

Backforgood-yes I think you are so right there...am I making a mountain out of a molehill? I think I will have to say nothing and decline the invite..yes it would look a bit suss if my daughter invited her all of a sudden!

I understand that. I don't think you should make your DD go and I don't think that she should be asked to invite the other girl.
I work with autistic pupils and some feel acute rejection in situations even when they are almost incapable of empathising themselves (independently). I was asking if your DD would feel the rejection if others declined her invitation because they weren't bothered. Some people with Autism would feel it badly, others, it would be water off a duck's back.
As the parent you could be completely honest about the situation, expressing your gratitude or say nothing other than decline the invitation.

I think if the respective parties were in November and May you wouldn't be having this conversation at all. You wouldn't even remember.

If dd doesn't want to go to the party, decline. Unless she and the other girl are BFF it won't be remarked on. But obviously they aren't, or dd would have invited her.