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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

foster carer

82 replies

DistressedMumHELP · 22/10/2012 10:02

I think she is doing an amazing job before anyone flames me.

They want to go away to cornwall for Christmas, from Sunday before til Sunday after. I however am desperate to see my little boy so before I make a decision I wanted to ask the mumsnet jury what they think of my compromise.

Firstly I get contact on the Saturday, secondly I would like them to come back early so I can see him on the Saturday (though contact is normally only week days social workers said this might be possible) and thirdly that I can see my little boy via Skype on either Christmas eve or Christmas day.

Do I sound unreasonable? It's breaking my heart to let him go but I want him to have the best Christmas possible

OP posts:

ScarahScreams · 22/10/2012 16:25

I really hope things work out for you and your son OP. How is it going for you now? Are you in classes or therapy? Hope you don't mind me asking you don't have to answer but I have followed your story

youarewinning · 22/10/2012 16:36

I think you need to ask the SW what contact would be available that week as I know your having Mon-Friday atm. However if they won't do Mon,Tues,Weds anyway as it's christmas you could tell the SW your happy to let him go (if its best for him) but would like longer contact the following week.

Perhaps when he returns you could ask for a longer contact and you and him can have Christmas Day at the contact centre. Take his presents and crackers and a stocking etc.

That way your showing you want the best for DS which is what the SW will be looking at.

Joiningthegang · 22/10/2012 16:44

This will sound harsh but he is only a baby and wont notice or know that you arent there - he will have a lovely time.

If this was about him and his needs, eg he was 9 and know about christmas and know what is goin on i would say yanbu but given this is about your feelings and what you want then really sorry but i think yabu

dancinginthemoonlight · 22/10/2012 16:48

Im a supervising social worker for foster carers and Christmas is a tricky situation for both carers and parents but often its the children who get stuck in the middle. I would be worried that if you say you don't want him to go and the foster carer still,wants to go- which she can do- that your DS may have to spend Christmas with a respite carer and their family which I don't think would be in his best interests.

BackOnceAgainWithLoopyLoops · 22/10/2012 16:52

I feel for you, so badly. :(

I was in care, and (obviously when older) would have been very upset if my foster parents decided Christmas was a good time to take everyone away. How upsetting for everyone involved. :(

lunar1 · 22/10/2012 16:56

I have followed your other thread op, I don't know the answer here but you sound like you are putting your child first. Do you have someone to spend Christmas with?

dancinginthemoonlight · 22/10/2012 16:56

Also, I am aware of some foster carers who are willing to supervise contact themselves at their home or a neutral venue. this obviously depends on council policy, perceived level of risk etc but it may be worth asking if this is possible on the days the contact centre isn't open?

Original poster

DistressedMumHELP · 22/10/2012 17:08

I gave consent subject to an extra extended contact session on the Saturday before he goes, and an extended session when he gets back and if no Skype a video of him Christmas and loads of photos that can actually be printed out and kept.

I put him first. Of course I want him here with me, and if it had of been abroad subject to knowing travel where it was ie Spain, Disneyland, knowing I would be flown out should he end up in critical condition for any reason I would let him go.

As to later this month the foster cater did say she hasn't said anything ro the kids cos she rhought she would ask me first. I only said seeing as its not booked I would rather it not be Halloween

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Original poster

DistressedMumHELP · 22/10/2012 17:13

I am doing the freedom programme and engaging I start my parenting assessment on Friday. I have seen a psychological assessment but they feel right now too much is going on.for me to concentrate on therapy so it would there fore not be of benefit right now until court is over.

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lunar1 · 22/10/2012 18:12

That must have been hard op, but i think you made the right decision in very difficult circumstances.

youarewinning · 22/10/2012 18:35

Well done for making a decision. I can only begin to imagine how hard that was for you. How about a Christmas day on the first extended visit for you both?

I think asking for photos etc was a great idea and shows that despite your feelings you are putting DS first.

Loveweekends10 · 22/10/2012 18:48

I would put the needs of my child before my own so I think you should stick to the plan and let the foster carers do what is planned.
We don't know the full story of why your child is in care so cannot make an informed judgement on the situation.
You may be hurting but children come first. That's it!

ventilatormum · 22/10/2012 19:10

I think you are being very brave and my heart bleeds for you.
We have family and children all over the place and have a family tradition which we call "Re-enactment"! Sounds silly but we just pretend a special day is on another day, if you see what I mean, to have the time with the kids together. Ours are all older now than yours but completely get it - ie time with significant adults is more important than actual dates in the calendar. I hope you can do this for Christmas for your child, which would be lovely for you both.

MrsDeVere · 22/10/2012 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

givemeaclue · 22/10/2012 21:56

It's very hard but if you aren't able to look after your child yourself, then as part of another family on a temporary basis it may be that you need to be flexible to support them looking after your son.

Foster carers do an amazing job in often hard circumstances and make a lot of sacrifices for children that are not even their own. You, son will probably have a lovely time. Put his needs first however hard it is. One day you may be able to spend Christmas with him.

Goldmandra · 23/10/2012 08:38

That is really good news.

You have done the right thing by asking for other people's input and then making a carefully considered decision. Sometimes it's hard to see all sides of a situation when you're stuck in the middle of it.

You are putting your little boy's needs before your own which will make your relationship with him, the foster carer and social services more positive.

I'm glad that he will get to go away this month too and that they will avoid Halloween so that you can have some fun together. Have you planned how you're going the contact time to do that?

Now you know he is going to be away over Christmas you need to make some positive plans for yourself. What do you already have planned for Christmas Day and for the rest of that week?

DistressedMumHELP · 23/10/2012 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goldmandra · 23/10/2012 09:14

You might want to ask mumsnet to change your last post to remove your son's name.

Christmas Day will probably be easier if you spend it with someone else. I completely understand why you wouldn't want to be around other children but perhaps you could plan a nice meal with your other local friend. It would be a shame for you to spend the day completely on your own. Having someone to talk to will make the time go faster at least.

I'm pleased to hear that you have some real life support as well as MN.

I like your plans for the halloween contact time. He's just the right age to enjoy having a little torch too, especially if the foster family will take him trick or treating. Maybe you could get him one like this which projects pictures onto the walls or perhaps some glow sticks. Little ones his age are usually in bed when it's dark so it's quite exciting for them when it comes earlier.

I hope your assessments go well and you and your little boy can start rebuilding your lives together in a really positive way very soon.

Original poster

DistressedMumHELP · 23/10/2012 09:23

Thank you. I think we are already. My parenting assessment starts Friday. Nervous beyond belief. But with the love and support of the person closest I am staying strong.

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Goldmandra · 23/10/2012 09:29

The fact that you are nervous is a good thing. It shows how much you care and will help you to put lots of energy into getting things right.

Good luck.

nahla321 · 23/10/2012 09:43

You sound lovely! The plans for halloween sound great. I hope everything works out well for you in the end x

freddiefrog · 23/10/2012 09:48

I'm also a foster carer and it's really difficult in situations like this, and I really think you made the right decision too.

I really hope it all works out for you

Original poster

DistressedMumHELP · 23/10/2012 12:31

Thank you.

I think I put him first. Despite the tears when telling my social workers I was ok with him being away for Christmas i hope that doesn't make me weak or selfish in their view

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Mosman · 23/10/2012 12:36

I hope you did show them the tears so they represent the situation correctly. You did the right thing

Original poster

DistressedMumHELP · 23/10/2012 12:39

I struggled saying it. I don't like to cry ib front of people yet I seem to be crying a lot these days

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