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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

foster carer

82 replies

DistressedMumHELP · 22/10/2012 10:02

I think she is doing an amazing job before anyone flames me.

They want to go away to cornwall for Christmas, from Sunday before til Sunday after. I however am desperate to see my little boy so before I make a decision I wanted to ask the mumsnet jury what they think of my compromise.

Firstly I get contact on the Saturday, secondly I would like them to come back early so I can see him on the Saturday (though contact is normally only week days social workers said this might be possible) and thirdly that I can see my little boy via Skype on either Christmas eve or Christmas day.

Do I sound unreasonable? It's breaking my heart to let him go but I want him to have the best Christmas possible

OP posts:

GhostShip · 22/10/2012 11:14

Cazboldy its her child, she's already acknowledge the fact they're doing a good job but who doesn't want to see their child at Christmas? Your comment was a bit irrelevant.

And I would have thought that the foster parents would be respectful of this fact. Not take the child away over Christmas and break a contact

Birdsgottafly · 22/10/2012 11:15

I suspect your SW can't stop them going though they may not have thought about no contact for a week and to be fair to them I suspect that they have to get on and plan things because they probably don't know in advance which children they will have in 2/3 months time.

We deal with holidays year in year out, but we are subject to change because of Contact Centre's coming under Children and Familiy services, which is subject to individual management/change and budget cuts.

We often do not know what will be available until December, Centre and Worker wise.

crashdoll · 22/10/2012 11:17

Sorry caz hope I didn't sound too snappy. I appreciate it's a tough situation for both sides. I'm sure OP's little boy would have a wonderful time away but also, at his age, I recognise the importance of regular contact. As a student social worker, I worry that parents with children care aren't always treated with the rights/respect they should be.

Birdsgottafly · 22/10/2012 11:18

Not take the child away over Christmas and break a contact

Contacts can stop for up to 10 days over Christmas, but so do all of the meetings and the childs education/nursery/medical appointments, so, tbh, it is the best time to have a holiday.

A lot of parents don't turn up for contact over the festive period, in my experience.

Birdsgottafly · 22/10/2012 11:19

Crash have you done a CP placement yet?

getmeoutofthismadhouse · 22/10/2012 11:21

This is CHRISTMAS though. Not just a family holiday. Surely its not nice for the child to not have contact with his mum over xmas. He must miss her.

Birdsgottafly · 22/10/2012 11:24

OP, I am wondering if you could not see your child anyway, perhaps the best excuse for not having contact would be so that he could have a lovely holiday?

Obviously you cannot give out the age etc, so i don't know how much of this is being processed by your child.

If in school, for example and all of his friends are talking about their Christmas, in his head, he hasn't seen mummy because he's been on holiday, iyswim.

I would ask and make your wishes known, but you may have to wait until quite close to finalise your plans.

Birdsgottafly · 22/10/2012 11:26

Surely its not nice for the child to not have contact with his mum over xmas.

Most children who are 'looked after' don't see their birth parents over bank holidays.

Kewcumber · 22/10/2012 11:27

OP has given age - he will be 2 and a half at christmas

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 22/10/2012 11:33

Kew, I pretty much agree with your post, I think it's a really difficult one.

The needs of the child have to come first, and I would have thought its in the child's best interests for regular contact to be maintained. But you are right that the foster carers shouldn't have to miss out on any of their holiday or time with their own family. We need more foster carers unfortunately, and it's not right that they should be put off of doing a much needed and difficult job because it has the potential to ruin their family time at Christmas.

On balance, I think it would be wrong to deny them their holiday, and I doubt that they would go in the first place if it was going to be damaging for the child to miss a visit. The needs of the foster family have to come before those of the parent IMO.

MaryZed · 22/10/2012 11:41

I would have thought it would be difficult for them to come home early enough on the Saturday to get to a contact centre anyway and even if they made it in time would your son not be exhausted after having to get up early and have a long drive from Cornwall?

You wouldn't want them rushing back (especially if they are driving and the roads might be bad), unable to stop and stretch their legs on such a journey so that they could get back before the centre closed.

I also wonder would seeing you on skype upset him - unless this is something you do regularly? Could they record him on Christmas morning and send it to you so you can "see" him without him being upset?

Because you wouldn't see him on Christmas Day anyway, as the contact centre would be closed.

Original poster

DistressedMumHELP · 22/10/2012 12:18

Seeing me in the flesh doesn't upset him so I don't see why Skype would? I know its a bit inconvenient Ar Christmas.

I should say I am missing Monday, Thursday and Friday contact sessions, so not just one.

OP posts:

Original poster

DistressedMumHELP · 22/10/2012 12:21

I had got myself prepared for not seeing him Christmas day but had been looking forward to taking him presents, a couple of which to open with me at the contact centre on Christmas eve.

OP posts:

Goldmandra · 22/10/2012 13:20

I can see that it must be very hard for you, OP, but your son is being cared for in a system which has to meet the needs of everyone involved in it.

It is really sad to think of a child not seeing their parents over Christmas but it is also very important that there are good foster parents who can take in children like your DS when they really need it. In order to have these people available and willing to do the job, their right to a family life must also be respected.

If foster parents were constantly expected to arrange their lives around the needs and wishes of the birth parents many would find the role unsustainable and children like your son would find themselves in care homes instead.

Your son will have an enjoyable Christmas and will be looking forward to seeing you when he gets back. He's not old enough to think he should be with his birth family at this time of year so he will be fine.

It will be hard on you but his needs will be met the best way they can be given the circumstances. You are probably best advised to try to negotiate some extra Skype time if possible and find a different way to keep yourself busy over Christmas so you don't think about it too much.

Kewcumber · 22/10/2012 13:43

And if you're going to skype him, I'd recommend trying it a couple of times first a) for him to get used to it as he can't be with you in the same way and b) for you all to get used to the technology so there aren't any glitches.

Someone made a good point about whether Skype was actually a possibility where they are going - I beleive you'd need a pretty decent broadband line.

Fishwife1949 · 22/10/2012 14:12

Sorry op but i think you being a little selfish here

I am a foster carer and last year i had to stay behind with my fc whilest my oh and son went on hoilday because the parent blocked the hoilday yes they gained the 2 hour contact but the missed out on going to disney world for a week which is once in a life time trip which they or i will never go on again

You dont know what they have planned which family members are coming which they may not see for years the foster carers family may miss out when you can move you contct up a few days as a sw on here said contact centre is not open on christmas day any way

Fishwife1949 · 22/10/2012 14:16

I cried for whole day, fc hated me for not letting them go to disney (even though it was mum who blocked it)

MissVerinder · 22/10/2012 14:24

Fishwife, that's awful :(

Yorkpud · 22/10/2012 14:28

Not sure really. Could you have an extra day of contact the week before they go? Skype while away. Then see him the first day possible when they are back? I can imagine it is really hard but I think the Foster carers need a bit of flexibility for things like holidays.

Yorkpud · 22/10/2012 14:30

Sorry just saw you are missing 3 sessions. Maybe extra sessions to make up for it before and after??

Mosman · 22/10/2012 14:31

I would try and think of this as just being one Cheistmas whilst he is small and how good you will look in the eyes of everyone else that you missed this one week for the sake if your DC who you will spend every other Christmas with going forward. And whatever got you into this pickle must never ever happen again.

CookieRookie · 22/10/2012 14:36

I'm sure the FC won't mind facilitating some skype time on Christmas day and won't see it as an inconvenience as I'm sure they choose to take on the role because they felt children like your ds needed it and not because it was something they could do without having their family life interferred with too much.

They will be loving, caring people who recognise the best outcome for your son will be to be reunited with you some day or at least always have a relationship with you and for that to happen you need to feel your needs are being met also. You need to be a happy, healthy mum. That is best achieved when you are comfortable with his temporary carers and the SW and feel you are moving forward in your plans to have him returned or whatever it is you see happening in the future and in the meantime feel they value and see the worth in a natural-parent/child relationship where at all possible.

He may still be very young and it's true he won't remember this Christmas but you will. When you move forward, after Christmas and the following years you need to be comfortable with the decisions made this Christmas. If you're not you will carry it around forever. You won't remember every day of your journey but you will remember the ones you hurt the most and those memories give rise to guilt which can be debilitating even years later. If you don't find a compromise you can all be happy with this will be one of them.

That doesn't mean you have to see him on Christmas Day it means you have to do some serious soul-searching and find a way to be happy with the decisions being made for your ds. Will he be happy? Yes he will. Will he be hurt you weren't there? Don't take the fact that he won't to heart, he's just a baby. Will you use the emotions to help make you stronger or bring you down. Stronger because that's what you both need. Will you spend your life regreting? No because you will accept that you are just human at the end of the day and that you are not the only birth parent to need help or go through this. You won't be the only surviver either. There are hundrends and thousands like you. Some make it work and it changes their lives and the lives of their children for the better some fail sadly because they are consumed by addiction or mental health problems or some other problem they feel is insurmountable or out of their control.

Make a deal with yourself today. You are going to do what is best for you and your ds now and in the future. Do you go to therapy? Do you need to? I don't know but you do. You know what you need to do. Make plans. Get excited. All the things you thought weren't possible are if you believe in yourself.

I believe in people. I believe we are far more resilient than we ever give ourselves credit for. I know this because I have lived it. I almost gave up. I'm grateful everyday I didn't. I don't know where I found the strength but I know it came from within me. It's in all of us.

I wish you and your ds all the best for the future. Chin up

LaurieBlueBell · 22/10/2012 14:37

Another foster career here who thinks you need to let this family have their holiday. It's lovely that they are including your DS some carers would just get respite which would be distressing for him.

I sympathise with you but I assume you wouldn't have seen him on Christmas day anyway. I agree you should ask for contact the day before he goes and as soon as possible on his return. At his age he won't have a great understanding of Christmas. As long as he gets a lovely"Christmas day" with you at some point he will be ok.

I think Christmas day will be harder for you than him. You need to look after yourself on the actual day. Do you have plans and support in place for yourself.

Fishwife1949 · 22/10/2012 15:29

Also op i can tell you that if you force the issue and your child has to end up in respite with a fmaily he dosent know over christmas for the sake of a couple hours of contact that wont look good on your part

As you need to demonstrate you can put ds above your own need for contact

All these little things are the sorts of things sw look at to gather weAther parents are pushing their own needs or there childs

demonstrate that you can forfit one visit so that he can be kept with a family who he is familir with rather than stragers that he dosent know

the more moves a child has the more damage is done respite should be avoided if at all possible so i guess the balls in your court

Fishwife1949 · 22/10/2012 15:30

And makes plans so you are not alone on the 25th

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