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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think he could have bugged my house? AIBU?

59 replies

sobloominscared · 21/10/2012 22:09

Ok I realise im probably going to sound barking mad, but my ex and I are going to court to increase access to our child and he keeps saying he has 'something on me' that will ruin me. I haven't 'done' anything I can think of, but he has literally got me paranoid to the brink of my sanity. Years ago when we split up he used to make comments about stuff that I wondered how the hell he knew about? He constantly messed with my head when we were together and I know there is probably a hangover from that.
I read an article online recently about a woman in america who sowed recording devices into her sons clothes and even a teddy bear so that she could spy on her ex, the childs dad. He found them and she is obviously in trouble, but I shouldn't have read it because now with the stress of the court case I am CONVINCED he has done the same to me???
He dropped dd back from a visit yesterday and stood there smirking at me , this just isnt like him. I ended up checking dd's clothes for wires.
I realise I probably sound mad, we are a normal household etc,but I worry about things like me shouting at dd etc. I used to cry a lot when she was younger as I felt so down about the split and like I was struggling to cope. I am terrified he 'was in on all that' ifyswim.

I feel ridiculous even saying all this, please be gentle with me. Is any of this possible? Could he have bugged dd's clothes or something?

OP posts:

SilverCharm · 21/10/2012 22:12

Was he abusive to you when you were together? In all likelyhood he is just very "good" at making you paranoid....he's getting into your head...still controlling you through fear.

He probably wont have bugged you though...there may be some way to tell if he has....has he access to your house?

WorraLiberty · 21/10/2012 22:12

Why do you have to go to court to increase access, can't you just do that anyway?

It's remotely possible I suppose but a hell of a lot of time, trouble and expense to go to.

Anyway, if you're not doing anything wrong it doesn't matter really so try to look at it like that and relax.

LindyHemming · 21/10/2012 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SilverCharm · 21/10/2012 22:19

Worra I assume the ex wants more contact and the OP isn't wanting to give it which is why he's taking it to court.

MyCatHasStaff · 21/10/2012 22:19

Although it's highly unlikely he's been able to bug you, he couldn't use anything anyway - how would he explain to the court how he'd obtained the information? My XH made various threats about my medical records (he was in the drugs industry so likely he knew someone tame who would have shown them to him) but I found out later he was referring to PND. I was so worried I spoke to my GP who explained that someone who seeks help for depression is not seen as a threat to their child, so I understand why you are feeling vulnerable even though you can't imagine what he's on about.
It's much more likely he's playing mind games in the run up to the court hearing. Try to ignore him, I know it's not easy.

Original poster

sobloominscared · 21/10/2012 22:20

well I know I've nothing to hide, but tbh, I had some dark days when dd was younger, I probably had pnd tbh and didnt always handle things well, by this i mean tantrums etc...I would shout back, sometimes I swore at her as well. I am not proud of this at all . I was in a very bad place emotionally. So I guess im saying that I am worried was recording me. He would have had access to my house then, as he had a key for a bit after we split, so yes. I'm more worried about him bugging her clothes now I've read that magzine.

Worra - He wont discuss anything with me, wants to go straight to court for an order.
Is it easy to bug someone? if its expensive that might put him off.

OP posts:

OrangeLily · 21/10/2012 22:22

Make sure you change all your passwords on any Internet things such as Facebook, mumsnet, etc. make sure all your privacy settings are as high as possible. An chance he knows your log in details to bank, mobile phone accounts, etc?

Original poster

sobloominscared · 21/10/2012 22:24

no, no chance of knowing my bank details etc. we split a long time ago, but he seems hell bent on keeping me in my place. I am terrified something will come out in the first hearing as he hasnt given any reasons for wanting to take me to court

OP posts:

SilverCharm · 21/10/2012 22:26

If he HAD recorded you, it would not stand up in court.

TheReturnOfBridezilla · 21/10/2012 22:28

There's every chance you are just feeling paranoid and on edge. I had post natal anxiety and would worry needlessly and obsess about things like strange cars parked in the street. He knows you arent on top fom and sounds like a real headfuck, don't give him the satisfaction of worrying.

Not to add to any paranoia you are feeling but my first thought was a keylog. When I was a teenager my boyfriend put one on my computer and could then keep a record of everything I typed on my keyboard.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 21/10/2012 22:29

If you record a conversation without the other person knowing, it can't be used in court AFAIK. That's why, when you phone up your insurance company/bank/whatever, they say 'calls may be recorded or monitored yada yada'.

However, that might only apply in criminal court, not sure if family court is the same. Maybe ask in legal?

Sorry your ex is fucking with your head like this, he sounds a right charmer

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan · 21/10/2012 22:29

I would imagine washing her clothes would bugger up the electronics!

I also think that any covert evidence would be innadmissible in court and would get him into trouble.

name change on mn. keep face book to a minimum..

when he says he has something on you.. pretend you don't care..

WorraLiberty · 21/10/2012 22:29

Silver is right, it wouldn't stand up in court.

Try not to worry about it or you'll churn yourself up.

I know it's easier said than done though.

TheReturnOfBridezilla · 21/10/2012 22:31

Just saw you said you split up a long time ago - disregard my keylog comment, he couldn't have kept that up for all this time. Wish I hadn't mentioned it now as its the kind of thing I used to attach to when I was anxious.

Pastabee · 21/10/2012 22:31

Can only reiterate that illegal recordings would not be admissible in court.

Doesn't change the fact that placing a listening device or camera in your home is a gross invasion of privacy and a disgusting thing to do.

tallwivglasses · 21/10/2012 22:35

I reckon he's bluffing. Make a note of these 'threats' and also tell your solicitor - not necessarily that you think he's bugged your dc/house but that he's making out he's got something on you. I'm sure if he came out with some revelation in court your solicitor could ask for some time to consult you about this 'new information'.

Could he have had the chance to key-log (?) your computer? It might be worth getting it checked out to put your mind at rest.

Don't worry about shouting in the past. You could argue that he was instrumental to that behaviour and it hasn't happened for years. I think he just likes still having control over you. Laugh at him.

Original poster

sobloominscared · 21/10/2012 22:36

thanks everyone, theres a chance he used a key log when we were together, not sure though.

I am mostly terrifed about things like putting a recording device in her coat or something - because I wouldnt wash that every week ifyswim? I am always changing my passwords on here etc. I cant deal with the smirking and I dont get it.

I also read online ( which i shouldnt be doing as it isnt helping me) that a family court would allow recorded information regardless of how it was collected if it was in the interests of the child. I just keep thinking back to those shouting matches i used to have with dd when she was playing up and feel so scared. I am ashamed of myself and would hate to hear myself now, never mind having it played out in court

OP posts:

LadyMaryCreepyCrawley · 21/10/2012 22:36

He's pissing with your head.

MimiSunshine · 21/10/2012 22:37

How awful for you. Chances are he hasn't bugged you, just keep reminding yourself of that. But it sounds like you're feeling out of control of the situation and its sending your already high stress and anxiety levels through the roof.

So, prepare for worst case scenario. Lets say he has bugged you, he can't (unless he's very stupid) just come out in court and say I have a recording of you on X date doing ABC so he'll try and trick you into admitting something.

Don't. Don't admit anything. As you said it was years ago and I'm assuming you aren't in that place anymore. So just keep turning it back on him, you don't have to lie. Just look puzzled and say confusedly "what are you talking about, where on earth are you getting this from". Make him provide the 'evidence'.

Like I said its all unlikely but preparing yourself for how to handle it may help to relieve the stress. He's just trying to push the buttons and control you. Take the control back.

purplewithred · 21/10/2012 22:41

He's messing with your mind. He's a tosser. Thank goodness you split up.

Keep a diary of his nastiness if it helps you. Can you arrange for someone else to handle the drop offs so you don't have to see him at all for a while? If not then no chitchat, just a brief handover and goodbye.

Original poster

sobloominscared · 21/10/2012 22:42

would it not just be given to a judge? ie, would the judge not just listen to it there and then? ex is very quiet about his reasons for taking me there in the first place so I can't sleep for thinking this is the reason

OP posts:

Giglet · 21/10/2012 22:45

He can't bring evidence to court without disclosing it to you and your legal beforehand.

He is playing with you.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 21/10/2012 22:47

Even if he had a recording, and even if the judge heard it, it is inadmissable and cannot be considered in evidence. Please stop worrying.

AgentZigzag · 21/10/2012 22:48

Thinking that someone has such a close surveillance over your private life does sound an unusual thing to think when trying to explain why your ex is smirking and saying he has something on you.

People usually have natural checks on their behaviour which involves comparing what other people would do to what you're doing, so you can gauge what would be an acceptable way to behave/OTT when you're on your own with the DC.

Could this just be an exaggeration of that voice coupled with stress about going to court/your ex?

I would say it's very unlikely that he's bugging your DDs clothes, I can understand why you might think that when rooting around for a reason for his behaviour, but you have to try and get it in perspective.

What he was like in the past must have some bearing on what you think he's capable of, and by asking this I'm not insinuating it's all in your head, but have you had any anxiety/psychiatric problems in the past? (and I'd like to say again, I'm not saying 'I don't believe you because you sound like a nutter', only wondering whether you might have a history of distorting things out of perspective, as I do)

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/10/2012 22:50

IMO he is just enjoying making you paranoid. I doubt that he has bugged you.

But, do you think you would feel better/more secure if you could reassure yourself that this is the case? I googled 'bug sweeping', it seems to be a service offered by private investigators.

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