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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think he could have bugged my house? AIBU?

59 replies

sobloominscared · 21/10/2012 22:09

Ok I realise im probably going to sound barking mad, but my ex and I are going to court to increase access to our child and he keeps saying he has 'something on me' that will ruin me. I haven't 'done' anything I can think of, but he has literally got me paranoid to the brink of my sanity. Years ago when we split up he used to make comments about stuff that I wondered how the hell he knew about? He constantly messed with my head when we were together and I know there is probably a hangover from that.
I read an article online recently about a woman in america who sowed recording devices into her sons clothes and even a teddy bear so that she could spy on her ex, the childs dad. He found them and she is obviously in trouble, but I shouldn't have read it because now with the stress of the court case I am CONVINCED he has done the same to me???
He dropped dd back from a visit yesterday and stood there smirking at me , this just isnt like him. I ended up checking dd's clothes for wires.
I realise I probably sound mad, we are a normal household etc,but I worry about things like me shouting at dd etc. I used to cry a lot when she was younger as I felt so down about the split and like I was struggling to cope. I am terrified he 'was in on all that' ifyswim.

I feel ridiculous even saying all this, please be gentle with me. Is any of this possible? Could he have bugged dd's clothes or something?

OP posts:

Original poster

sobloominscared · 21/10/2012 22:51

Giglet - thats reassuring to know that he has to let me know beforehand, i thought it could just come up on the day.
i know you say its inadmissable in court, but i did read that family courts are different. Anyway i will try to calm down, thanks for helping me everyone

OP posts:

Original poster

sobloominscared · 21/10/2012 22:56

zigzag i never used to have anxiety or anything before i met him, but i think i do now. I haven't been diagnosed or anything or even sought help but i do accept that I stress about things that i previously wouldnt have. we had such a crap relationship, he really was a headfuck of a person, always tying me up in knots and controlling my thoughts. I think i've never recovered ( or been able to) because we have dd.

bug sweeping I've sunk to new depths

OP posts:

TheReturnOfBridezilla · 21/10/2012 22:57

Could you try posting in legal just to put your mind at rest? Sometimes it helps to hear someone who knows what they are talking about confirm things. And I'm sure you weren't nearly as bad as you remember. You're just looking back with guilty eyes and beating yourself up. Please don't worry.

Original poster

sobloominscared · 21/10/2012 22:59

good idea about legal...they will get to see how bonkers i am over there too

OP posts:

Giglet · 21/10/2012 23:02

My ex tried to bring in evidence into court during our financial settlement hearing - so nothing as serious as an issue with a child and contact - and the district judge did not take this well! My barrister was however delighted as it proved so much of what I had said about his behaviour.

Please remember judges have seen and heard every lie, trick and deception there is. Your ex isn't going to be clever enough to pull the wool over tier eyes!

Giglet · 21/10/2012 23:03

BTW I won!

tallwivglasses · 21/10/2012 23:04

Actually you sound really nice Let us know how you get on.

TheReturnOfBridezilla · 21/10/2012 23:05

You're not bonkers, you're in a highly stressful situation and having to deal with someone who knows you very well and is working against you. That would make most of us feel a bit edgy. Just want you to get the reassurance you need to shut this idea down.

MimiSunshine · 21/10/2012 23:07

The more I think about it the more i honestly think he's messing with you. My brother used to do a similar thing when we were kids the little psycho he used to tell me he knew I'd done something I shouldn't have (I was a good kid, but I wasn't a saint) and that he'd tell mum.
Then he'd go and talk to her out if my hearing and then walk back with a little smirk on his face. My mind immediately leapt to thing I knew I shouldn't have done (walked to the chippy in the dark with friends probably little loser/over protective parents) and I'd feel incredibly guilty and worried (I swear its why I have paranoid tendencies as an adult).

He never had anything on me, he just liked to torment me because he was my little brother and felt the need to to be a total shit plus he knew exactly what buttons to push, just like your ex does.
He's trying o make you feel small and powerless, he's going to court in a bid to show he doesn't have to go through you, he can go round you. The smirking is to put you off your game. Which is all it is to him, a game to be played and won under any tactics.
Come out fighting, you've been through the worst and you've out the other side, get our head up and think strategy, but a brave face on and fake it till you make it.
You'll be fine

AgentZigzag · 21/10/2012 23:14

There's a risk that bug sweeping might encourage you thinking he's up to shit like that, but then if it puts your mind at rest you might feel stronger and more in control.

It's not nice that your DD has been drawn into what you're thinking, could that be more to do with fears she's with someone you don't trust and you wouldn't put it past him using her to get to you?

Whenever I've spent any time in hospital, I've always been amazed at how little time it's taken me to be institutionalised. After a couple of days I became totally submissive and involved in the routine and expectations they had of me, fitting in and deferring to the structure and people working there.

If I felt like that after a couple of days, how deeply must it go when you're living with someone who's playing mind games to the extent that you're questioning your sanity?

You've been through a traumatic experience! Asking your GP how they can help you would be a legitimate question.

AgentZigzag · 21/10/2012 23:18

And I'm only guessing on this, but I would say that you feeling you're more in control and stronger than he thinks you are, would piss him right off

Original poster

sobloominscared · 21/10/2012 23:18

mimi what a lovely post, thanks for that
Giglet - thats really reassuring waht you've said as well!
I do feel guilty about mistakes ive made in my parenting, im on my own with dd and really struggled in the beginning. I cried a lot, was REALLY intolerant of tantrums ( would practically throw one myself and was just generally an intolerant mum all round. I was resentful that he swanned off to a new life and i was stuck with a toddler and the resentment showed in my behaviour. I came through it all and feel so bad for dd and worry endlessly that she will remember it all. Someone said here earlier that im probably looking back at all this with guilty eyes and i think thats what it is - guilt, and so that is causing my anxiety.
I am going to try to let this go, it took me ages to have the nerve to post this, but im so glad i did. Thank you everyone

OP posts:

jjuice · 21/10/2012 23:22

I agree with mimi.
My ex sent me texts about how someone had seen me dragging dd through playground kicking and screaming..and I had I felt really shit about it for ages. But then she wouldn't have been such an emotional wreck if she hadn't witnessed her dad beat her mum up. My dd and dd and I worked through it. It took time to get past the emotional abuse. But we have.
It was ironic to see exs new gf screaming at their kids in supermarket last week. We all do it under severe stress. The important thing is coming through the other side healthy and happy.
Don't beat yourself up he sounds like a smarmy twat.

Original poster

sobloominscared · 21/10/2012 23:22

Agent - thanks so much, you are abosolutely right that I have been carrying all this around for so long, i thought i was getting better about it all tbh, but the court issue has made it all resurface i think. I am going to do some work on myself for sure

OP posts:

TheReturnOfBridezilla · 21/10/2012 23:23

Put it to bed. The past is done, that phase is over. The fact that you recognise it for what it was and feel bad about it shows that you are a good mum. Ignore the ex, leave him to his silly games, he is not worth the space in your head. So glad you are feeling stronger and hope you can move away from this a bit now. Sometimes you just need to run things past other people to give yourself the shake you need.

Original poster

sobloominscared · 21/10/2012 23:29

LOVE mn.

thank you all so much

OP posts:

midseasonsale · 21/10/2012 23:59

I think if anything is raised you can only be honest and say that you had PND and that things are much better now. Say that you try hard to be the best mum you can now after such a wobbly start.

kissingtoads · 22/10/2012 00:21

Bet he's not got anything on you or bugging you.

My ex would have authoritative conversations with his solicitor on his phone in front of me.
He told me that the police were "aware" of me (WTF?)
Caught him trying to hack my email, accounts etc
Also caught him repeatedly trying to record me on his phone.

As it turns out:
He didn't have a solicitor
HE got arrested
He buggered off (thank god)

Original poster

sobloominscared · 22/10/2012 00:56

Thanks I think you're right. He is trying to scare me, wanker!

OP posts:

Tanith · 22/10/2012 07:01

I think he's just trying to upset you, too.

Have you tried smiling back at him and telling him:
"It can't be anything like as good as what I've got on you!"?

Even if you don't feel up to actually telling him that, just let yourself imagine it and picture him worrying for a change.

BratinghamPalace · 22/10/2012 07:02

Op you should know that everyone has/had difficult days with dc. Try not to be afraid of that. Make peace there with yourself and that fella will
Have less of a hold over you.
Good luck.

carabos · 22/10/2012 08:47

Like others, I think he may be messing with your head BUT my XH had me followed throughout the period of our divorce 22 years ago and even today things pop into my head that I realise he can only have known about because he was spying on me.

I'm certain that if the technology had been easily available at the time then he would have had me bugged somehow. A friend of mine who is currently in the midst of a divorce had just discovered that her husband has been tracking her satnav so he knows where she has been.

Trust your instincts, take reasonable precautions and don't let him into your house, but don't worry. Unless you have done something borderline criminal the family court won't take action - they have heard it all before.

carabos · 22/10/2012 08:50

Oh, and don't forget, he will think behaviours are unreasonable or bad that others think are normal because he is controlling and abusive, not because you are doing something wrong.

Original poster

sobloominscared · 22/10/2012 09:00

I think shouting and swearing at dc would be considered borderline criminal though wouldn't it?

OP posts:

DinosaursOnASpaceship · 22/10/2012 09:08

I really feel for you, it's awful to know logically that something hasn't been done but to be so anxious that it has. My ex used to call me during the day (when we were still together) to ask me if I was enjoying my bath (and I would be in the bath at the time) or who was round the house (when a friend was there) or to tell me to put my book down and do some housework (again he was right) it used to make me beyond paranoid that I was being bugged or watched. U worked out in the end that the phone echoed when I was in the bath, that he'd driven past and seen a friends car outside etc He would come home and ask who'd been round - he would look to see how many cups were on the washer, how many tea bags in the bin etc - he was the paranoid one not me! But it made me overly conscious of everything I did and said to anyone.

He still does it now even though we aren't together. He will make comments about me feeding his child crap etc and the only way he could know we'd had the odd McDonalds or whatever would be to glance into the wheely bin before knocking the door! Or suggest that maybe I ate less chocolate etc again from looking for wrappers. I always put wrappers etc in a carrier bag before chucking them now as I don't see why I should be questioned. He has a smug smile too, drives me crazy. Every little mark dc has is questioned and I swear he makes notes.

soon came unstuck in court though when it was suggested he was unstable due to his odd obsession with what went on in my house

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