AIBU to not let DD go on holiday with my ex during term time?

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Bit of a back story - A few years ago my ex started telling DD2 (now age 12) that she might be able to go on holiday with him, his DW and his DS who is a few years younger than my DD. Then every time she asked or her DB (he loves DD2 to be there) asked their dad if she can go with them he would say maybe or he's thinking about it or he'll check or something else along those lines. About 2 weeks before each holiday (about 3 times a year) he'd say she couldn't go and makes silly excuses like it's too far in the car. DD2 got used to this and didn't ever expect to go.

Then last year he said she could go and although it meant 6 days off school I agreed to submit a holiday form to school. She'd just started secondary school so normally I would have said no to the time off school but because of what he'd put DD2 through all those other times I agreed to it.

So he repeated the usual process twice this year even asking DD2 to check our holiday dates so he could arrange their holiday in August so that she could go with them. Then he booked the holiday for the same dates . He's now said that she can go away with them in December but it would mean 5 days off school. I said no to 5 days but that I would agree to 2 days if the school agreed. So he told DD2 that he would look at the dates and sort this out.

Yesterday she phoned from his house to give me the dates of the 5 days that they'll be away, Mon-Fri [hmmm]. I told her it was still a no so she got really upset. Today she came home and said he's going to look at the dates again and could she have 3 days off school. She was so upset that I said she could have the 3 days off BUT reminded her that her dad probably wouldn't arrange the dates so that she could go with them. Then she said that she'd have to leave school early the day before

So AIBU to say that she can't go if it means taking 5 days off school? I'm not precious about ensuring that she never takes holidays in term time but I think 5 days in one chunk in year 8 is too much. I very occasionally take the DDs out of school for a day before the school holidays but most of the holiday dates I book fall in the school holidays (as it should be) so why can't he do tha same? If you wise people think that IABU then I'll agree put the holiday form into school.

YANBU. Her Dad is being a twat, and it makes me for you that he's put you in this position.

I think if your dd knows you are already unhappy about time off school, then it will be better for her if you remain consistent on that. Her Dad clearly isn't capable of providing stability, and if he wants to take her on term time holidays, he should be the one to deal with the school.

Well if you have taken her away in school time its a bit hypocritical to say he can't.

I would tell him no if it were me though.

StuntGirl I don't object to him taking DD away in school time and I've said she can have 2 days off. I just feel that 5 days is too long. I wouldn't take the DC out of school for any more than a day or two (when in secondary school) and that would be very occasional.

If it is the last 5 days before the Christmas holiday's then I'd give in - she'll miss very little at school that week. I'd have stern words though and take the moral high ground.

Otherwise - you could make a massive song and a dance about the work she'll miss and make sure it's collected. By the sounds of it, he's being a dick and has no intention of taking her anywhere and is trying to make it your fault. Why should you be the bad guy? Honestly, as a teacher - I wouldn't think she'd miss anything she couldn't make up in year 8..

So he does this all the time but never takes her?

If so I'd say yabu as you know it will fall through anyway and she won't have to miss school

It's the first week of December. I would probably have felt the same 1Catherine1 if it was the week before Xmas.

He's an absolute twat, no doubt about it. For the first year or so of him not taking DD2 on holiday she got upset each time. Then when she didn't get upset anymore (because it became the norm ) he upped the anti and said she could go last year, fully expecting me or the school to say no. This year he's upped the anti again by making it all about changing dates so DD2 is getting upset each time again.

I can't talk to him about schoolwork that DD2 would be missing because he doesn't care. All this crap is having the desired affect by upsetting DD2. It must make him feel important or something

Is there a reason you can't make him deal with school?

Yes i would personally allow it, but then i have taken my daughter out of school for about 2 weeks already this year, am taking her out a futher week before xmas breaks up as we are in Dubai for xmas and new year with as all my family live there, and will be taking her out for at least 2 weeks in march as we need to go oz for personal reasons. Her school has been understanding that family lives abroad ( i actually went to this school when i was a kid lol)

My daughter is 7 and from all reports is ahead in most areas and the things she knows from years spent abroad ( religion, worlds tallest buildings, cultures, languages etc) i dont feel makes a difference at 7 to her education whatsoever.

There will always be times my daughter will be out of school, purely due to major family events and us moving back to oz hopefully soon but education is still to me very very important and if i thought she was slipping behind in anyway then i would think diffently.

I think your problem is more your daughter being let down again, i dont think 5 days is going to affect her future.

There's not really any moral high ground if she does the same thing, however 'minor' or 'occassional'. It's still missing school, they just obviously have differing definitions of how much is acceptable.

Although it sounds like they have differing attitudes to parenting anyway, and he sounds like a twat and probably won't go through with it in the end. Tell him its his responsibility to organise (including liasing with school) if he wants to take her away.