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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not get DS or arrange a lift for him?

24 replies

qo · 21/10/2012 20:49

He's 20 years old, has aspergers and mild learning difficulties - part of which include him little concept of time, always late etc..

He's been at his girlfriends today and because of how he is with times, I rang him and reminded him that the last bus on a Sunday is 4.30, I don't have the money for a taxi so BE ON IT!

I rang him at 4.40 and of course he wasn't on the bus. He asked my parents to pay for a taxi but they said no - because he is ALWAYS doing this, they think he wont ever learn if we keep bailing him out.

I don't have the money for a taxi but he has sent me a text asking if I will ask 2 friends if either of them can give him a lift.

I've sent a text back, saying no sorry - I reminded you of the time and to be on the bus, this has to stop and if you want a lift from x or y, you will have to ask them yourself.

I feel a bit bad about this, because a) I know he wont ask them for a lift himself and b) he'll probably end up walking (a very long walk) - he is waiting for surgery for a kidney problem, which is leaving him extra tired so I don't know if I should be letting him walk home?

It does happen way too often, my parents paid for a taxi last Sunday, and I can see where they're coming from, but I feel bad about not at least trying to help him get home?

OP posts:
Original poster
qo · 21/10/2012 20:53

Title is meant to say "not get DS a taxi"

OP posts:
Posterofapombear · 21/10/2012 20:54

Sometimes they just have to learn the hard way.

It's hard on you too though so I suggest some wine Grin

Tabliope · 21/10/2012 20:55

Sorry but I think you should sort something out for him because as you say he won't do it for himself and he's got a kidney problem. It's cold out. Very frustrating but is it certain he'll learn from this? Is his girlfriend any help - ie. can you get her to make sure he catches the bus or she comes to your house?

ecto · 21/10/2012 20:56

How far is it? My db has aspergers and has got into a similar situation and just walked a ridiculous distance.

Mintyy · 21/10/2012 20:57

Yanbu.

Sirzy · 21/10/2012 20:58

As frustrating as it is you helping him is the safest way to get him him.

Can his girlfriend/her family not help to make sure he is on buses etc on time normally?

Original poster
qo · 21/10/2012 20:58

It's about a 25min drive, wouldn't like to hazard a guess at how long it would take him to walk - but it is a long way.

Tabliope she wont come here and he is at her beck and call (that's a whole other thread, and also his business not mine so trying to keep out of it)

OP posts:
WofflingOn · 21/10/2012 20:59

So, you rang him? Did you ring him at the last minute to give him time to kiss and run, or well in advance, which gave him time to get distracted? Smile
Does he use any alarm or warning system when he has to remember appointments?
What was his girlfriend doing? She could prod him too.
He should be up for walking 5 miles or so, but with the kidney condition that might be tricky. He could stay with his girlfriend and catch the bus in the morning.
He needs to get better organised, he knows it's a problem and needs a strategy to deal with it. But for now, it's his problem and not yours.
When will he get home?

WofflingOn · 21/10/2012 21:01

25 minute drive? That could be anything up to around 15 miles. Shock
I'd go and get him and sort out what happens next time in advance.

ecto · 21/10/2012 21:01

He will walk 20 miles if he has aspergers ime. In your position, I would do something about it.

akaemmafrost · 21/10/2012 21:04

YABU. You need to get him. Read himthe riot act by all means but you can't leave him in that situation. I couldn't if it were me and ds anyway.

Shakirasma · 21/10/2012 21:04

YABAbitU

You are better off ringing him 5 mins before he needs to leave for the bus, don't give him time to forget or get distracted.

You know as well as I do that refusing him help will not teach him a lesson or prevent it happening in future, all it will achieve is a foot full of blisters. You need to find a better way of organising him, can his GF not help with that?

Original poster
qo · 21/10/2012 21:05

No I rang him at 10 past 4 to remind him, 20 minutes leeway.

He invited a friend over on Friday, friend waited for him at arranged time and when he didn't show just got the bus here. He arrived at 2pm, so I rang son to tell him friend was here and tell him off a bit for not meeting at arranged time.

He said I'm sorry I will leave now and wait for the next bus - he didn't arrive until about 1/4 to 6! Poor friend was left here with me all that time, good job we know him well!!

He has actually asked one of my friends for a lift via text, so he's just informed me so I will wait to see if he gets anywhere himself before I step in.

No we dont use any alarm system, is there something specifically designed for this or do you mean setting alarm on mobile phone? I must admit it's something I haven't thought about before you mentioned it. Not too sure how well it owuld work if me actually ringing him to remind him doesn't!!

OP posts:
WofflingOn · 21/10/2012 21:05

Exactly, mine can't problem-solve in a new situation. No bus, no taxi, he'd just keep walking until his boots fell off.
Rescue now, fix later.

Sirzy · 21/10/2012 21:07

You could set reminders for every 5 minutes for the 20 minutes after you have called him.

IneedAsockamnesty · 21/10/2012 21:08

yabu.

and need to have systems in place to prevent it happening again

WofflingOn · 21/10/2012 21:09

DS uses a small timer that beeps when he has to be somewhere. That's all it's for, no confusion over messages.
We know what you mean, but he isn't NT and so the situation is different for him. He needs to be more independent and responsible, but you are going to have to think up how that might happen.

Liilii · 21/10/2012 21:14

You need to get him home, it's late, cold, raining possibly (it is here) and he's not well if he's awaiting surgery.

Joiningthegang · 21/10/2012 21:16

I think it would be unreasonable to make him walk the whole way - let hin start walkig then set off to get him.

Original poster
qo · 21/10/2012 21:26

I can't actually get him myself, I don't drive - title was supposed to say get ds a taxi

The best I can do for him is to ask someone to give him a lift, if he doesn't get any reply from the friend of mine he's already asked

OP posts:
toomuch2young · 21/10/2012 21:39

It's U as he is unwell and a long walk will do him no good at all.
Surely it's best he stays at GFs tonight and gets bus back in morning?

lovebunny · 21/10/2012 21:44

please do whatever you can to help him. what if he collapses on the way home? how will you feel?
i know his behaviour is annoying. tell him that he can't go out again on sunday. have his girlfriend round at yours.

Original poster
qo · 21/10/2012 21:54

She wont come here as I said upthread lovebunny, he's on his way home anyway with my friend

OP posts:
lovebunny · 21/10/2012 21:57

sorry, wasn't reading...

glad its sorted. he could always give the gf a miss on sunday...

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