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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Toys at the dinner table - I've given up, dh appalled

97 replies

Alitoomanykids · 21/10/2012 09:35

My two year old wont sit still at the dinner table. She is very easily distracted and gets up and down all the time. It is impossible to keep her sitting in either a high chair or a booster seat as she just undoes the straps and stands up / climbs on to the table. I have basically given up and now allow a collection of toys at the dinner table. She actually eats quite well when she wants to but doesn't seem to need more than a few mouthfuls sometimes. Anyway, in a nutshell dh is appalled by this (he works away during the week and is only home at weekends) and its not really fair to the two older kids either who have never been allowed toys at the table. I'm currently taking the path of least resistance!

OP posts:

Sparklingbrook · 21/10/2012 11:30

If I had a newborn now Death I would be bloomin' brillliant. Have had two practices and would do it all my way and tough to anyone who didn't agree.

TwinkleReturns · 21/10/2012 11:37

Well Im obviously a competely appalling mother as DD (18mo) has her breakfast sat on the floor watching Milkshake and playing with toys

Lunch and tea she sits in her highchair but she often has teddy sit next to her with teddy's dinner and will talk to teddy or feed teddy. Its fine, she's learning about food and how we use cutlery. She was BLW so likes to mess around with her food but this is also fine - she's feeling and smelling it and eats what she wants.

I agree with others saying no big deal and yes if DH is so aghast at this I suggest he does mealtimes at weekends. Its far more important that DC aren't forced to "sit and eat" as thats when battle ground tactics come in. If a DC is happy and relaxed, eats well, why on earth would you take away the toys or routine that makes mealtimes so relaxed for LOs - IMO that's asking for trouble, tension and fussy eating.

Sparklingbrook · 21/10/2012 11:40

. I hope Teddy has decent table manners.

FrothyOM · 21/10/2012 11:41

When my DS was two he had to take a bus everywhere he went. If he didn't have it at the dinner table he would get very upset. So I let him. He grew out of it and now, at three, he doesn't clutter up our dinner table with a massive bus.

I think your DH is overreacting.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 21/10/2012 11:46

Tell your H to go find something else to be "appalled" about

if we were talking about Nintendo's at the dinner table with an 8yo, then fair do's...but a 2yo ?

PosieParker · 21/10/2012 11:47

I would allow a two year old to get down when they've finished. All mine sit perfectly at 10,9,6 & nearly 4. What is the point of making her sit?

IvorHughJackolantern · 21/10/2012 11:53

I would just go with whatever makes meal times happy rather than stressful. If it were me, I'd also be tempted to tell your DH to do one seeing as he's only there two days a week. If he's that 'appalled' he could take some annual leave and spend a week teaching her to sit without them.

CecilyP · 21/10/2012 11:54

Straps are a safety issue and she should never be able to undo them and stand up.. Strap her tighter.. Otherwise she may undo cat seat. It's a no no.

NO! Straps that are so tight that you can't undo them quickly are more of an safety hazard; if the child chokes you need to be able to get them out quickly. Likewise, straps on car seats are designed to be easy to release, so there will come a stage, quite early on, when a child can undo them.

TwinkleReturns · 21/10/2012 11:58

Sparkling teddy emptied DDs cereal onto the carpet this morning!! He's usually so well behaved aswell

digerd · 21/10/2012 12:01

There are children or at least one I know of, who are born with a stubborn contraryness - my older brother !! When young, my mother had to resort to telling him to not do what she wanted and to do want she didn't want. But soon he wised up as was very intelligent . He is now 71 and still contrary, in that he will contradict what a person says ( albeit only women!!), and will not be told what to do, as he retorts he knows what to do. He was never distructive or cruel.

My sister was also difficult, as she was the determined to get her own way type, and as a baby resorted to holding her breath or other means to make her look ill. As she grew, she resorted to tyranny, terror and tantrums, including violent rages at home. Well into her 20s she ruled the roost at home. She still gets mostly what she wants, by being a clever manipulator/actress.
The only thing she didn't have any control over, which at 65 still infuriates her, is her children, although was pleased neither was like she was, she had been dreading that, they turned out to the opposite from what she had reared them to be !!!!! ( not what she wanted them to be).

Original poster

Alitoomanykids · 21/10/2012 12:02

Thanks for all comments. I am def of the mind that mealtimes should be relaxed and fun otherwise they just turn into a battleground and I dont think this is a battle worth picking. I am fairly certain that I will not need to worry about dd still taking an army of dollies to the table when she is ten Sparklingbrook am loving that toy idea... dont tell the older two, but maybe a step too far. I've just been surfing net for some books which may appear more civilised to dh as we can always play the 'educational' stick.

OP posts:

shemademedoit · 21/10/2012 12:05

We always did 'toys at the table, go in the bin'. Harsh, I know, but they soon learnt how to behave. Only exceptions were colouring books, and only when eating out, which we did often (before the money ran out) as I could be sure they'd behave at the table.

C0smos · 21/10/2012 12:12

Stuff the toys I've given up on the table more hassle than its worth, my DS3, ears in front of the Tv on the sofa - peace restored, don 't sweat the small stuff

Original poster

Alitoomanykids · 21/10/2012 12:15

[hmmm] the hard line approach would have worked with ds1 and maybe with dd1 but dd2 is totally different and tends to behave even worse when she knows that she is causing a scene. Playing everything down and switching her attention to something else seems to work better with her. My new tactic (for weekends ) is:

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1479328138/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_alp_LNxGqb0H17G1W

by next Saturday mealtimes will be an oasis of calm and civility. At least I am sure that barbie, peppa and numerous disney princesses will think so!

OP posts:

CecilyP · 21/10/2012 12:17

DH's are funny things. Mine used to get upset with DS, when he was older, because he would sit at the table quietly eating his dinner, when DH thought he should be making polite conversation which he assumed was what all proper families did.

DameFannyGallopsAtaGhost · 21/10/2012 12:20

Having had an escapologist myself, I can recommend using toddler walking harnesses to keep children in both high chairs and supermarket trolleys. Slightly off topic but might give you a bit more security in general - and they are quick release

Sparklingbrook · 21/10/2012 12:23

'Toys at the table go in the bin' Really she. That's so sad.

Goldmandra · 21/10/2012 12:42

You need to think about WHY you are giving her the toys.

Is it because you want her to sit at the table after she has finished eating and the toys prevent her from being bored?

Is it because she wants to eat but isn't willing to sit still for long enough and the toys entertain her enough that she will do so?

Is it because she's finished eating but you want her to eat more and the toys distract her enough that you can get more food down her?

If it is 1, I would let her get down and play instead if the toys are a bone of contention between you and DH. It would also probably make mealtimes pleasanter for the whole family.

If it is 2, then I would probably allow a toy but not actively encourage it in the hope that she will learn soon to sit for longer without one.

If it is 3, you could be heading for deep trouble and you need to let her decide how much to eat and when to stop. The toys will soon stop working and you won't have achieved anything. Just get her down to play when she has had enough.

If she's able to get out of the straps you have you need to change them or stop using them. Either find some which successfully restrain her or keep her within arms reach at all times. Don't go for the risky middle ground. Falling from standing up on a high chair or table is a long way and could really hurt her.

Original poster

Alitoomanykids · 21/10/2012 12:50

dd2 is always allowed down from the table once she has clearly finished and she is never forced to eat anything that she doesn't want. She actually eats quite well in that she will always try everything on her plate and eats a good range. She just doesn't eat huge quantities but as she is healthy and has loads of energy we are not stressing about that at all. We don't expect her to sit quietly while we sit and chat either.

So probably no 2. The main problem is that she likes to be up and down constantly, grab a mouthful, run away, run back, grab another mouthful, drop food in her cup, have another mouthful, crawl onto the table, grab someone else's food and eat theirs, run away, come back for another mouthful.... etc etc etc. Its exhausting and a constant battle to keep her in her seat. If she is strapped in she fights to be free and causes more of a scene. With a few (well ok a fair pile) of toys at the table she plays with these and feeds them before she takes a mouthful herself. I think this is a vast improvement on the alternative.

OP posts:

katiecubs · 21/10/2012 12:52

YANBU my 2 yr DS is exactly the same - to be honest he is usually way too busy to eat so it's the only way to get him to sit still for 2 minutes.

I would rather that than he not eat what I have prepared - although I really really wish that I had a more chilled out child at times!!

SilverCharm · 21/10/2012 12:52

I just feel that restraining toddlers at the table is inherently wrong. Why not let them play and get down when they've finished?

As they get older, they get more able to stay put....in Italy, where eating is a big occasion and meals last for hours, nobody bats an eyelid if small people get up and play then return....it's sociable and fun.

I lived over there and in restaurants, the staff used to sometimes ask to hold my babies or take my older dds from the table in order to show them around the place, give them a cake etc...and then return them...there was no expectation that they'd sit silently or quietly at the table.

SilverCharm · 21/10/2012 12:53

Oh and I am all for restraint when it's about safety...no problems using a harness to walk with etc...but eating? Nah....let them be children.

Moominsarescary · 21/10/2012 13:01

Ds3 is 19 months and often has Ellie with him eating bits of food. Tbh I'd not thought about it.

Can't remember if ds1&2 were the same, probably! Theyre 17 and 9 now and manage to eat at the table without toys so I don't think it does any harm

Goldmandra · 21/10/2012 13:11

OK so you're using the toys to encourage appropriate behaviour at the table and to make the meal pleasanter for others who don't want her crawling through their food. That seems very reasonable.

When you feel that she is mature enough to understand that she needs to sit still to eat or get down you can introduce the idea and the toys will become unnecessary.

Some children are emotionally mature enough to cope with this rule at 2.5 and others can't do it until they are 5 or more. You'll know when you think it's appropriate.

Until then your DH probably needs to hear why you're doing it and then accept that you have to manage this situation on your own the majority of the time in the way you feel is best for everyone who present.

Shutupanddrive · 21/10/2012 13:12

YANBU, I occasionally allow my 2 year old DS to bring a toy to the table if I know he will put it to one side to eat his food.

I will punish myself with wine later too headless

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