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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say DD can't stay with her father for an extra night, and to refuse to ring him to discuss it?

111 replies

QueenOfFlamingEffigies · 21/10/2012 08:11

There is lots of background to this (7 years worth [rolleyes]) but I will try and keep it to the bare bones and avoid drip feeding.

DD is 9. Her father walked out on us when she was 2, and has made very little effort to stay involved in her life since then. He refuses to speak to me (he's a bit strange like that - he has 3 DC by 3 women and won't speak to any of the mothers Hmm)

After years of difficulties, we have come to the current situation, which is that I arrange by text and email with his parents (who he lives with) when DD will visit them. As I now live about 100 miles from them, I take DD to my parents house which is about halfway, and the GPs collect her from there. This has been working fine for the last couple of years.

For this half term, I asked his parents a month in advance if they would like DD to visit and explained that it could be for no more than 4 days as I had some things I wanted to do with her as well. They sent a reply saying "Yes great, our car is in the garage on 24th so how is sat 20th to tue 23rd" to which I agreed. I've heard no more since then apart from to confirm collection time.

They came to collect her from my parent's yesterday, and GM asked my mum (I'd had to go before they arrived) if DD could stay an extra couple of nights as they didn't feel they were having her for long enough and that it wasn't really 4 days when you took travelling time into consideration. My mum said it wasn't up to her and told them to talk to me about it. I then get a text from GF saying "[EX] want's to discuss [DD's] visit with you, please can you ring him about it"

I sent a message back pointing out that I can't ring Ex as he refuses to give me his mobile number Hmm and that I wasn't prepared to change the days now as it was too short notice. Since then I have had 4 texts from GF's phone, firstly asking me to ring on that number (why the fuck could he not just ring me then??), followed by three messages giving me DD's father's number and repeating the request that I ring him.

I think this is Not On for several reasons - DD is going for the days that THEY ASKED FOR for a start, and if Ex wants to be involved in the arrangements he should do so when they are being bloody well made. I refuse to be drawn into discussion about extra days at this stage. He also can bugger off texting demands that I ring him. He can ring me himself if he suddenly feels the need to get involved. That's not unreasonable, right?

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 21/10/2012 09:29

"I've been divorced for ten years and regularly need to change plans from time to time. No big deal for any of us."

Do you think it would be a big deal if your children's father refused to have any contact with you at all?

It kind of seems like that would make things a tiny wee bit more complicated.

This isn't a harmonious contact arrangement.

The OP is doing her level best to maintain consistent contact despite some very weird and unacceptable conditions.

There would need to be a very good reason for varying these arrangements, and not just a last minute strop by a man who hasn't spoken to her for years.

Also, the child has other family she has plans to see plus a mother who might like to spend time with her.

Original poster
QueenOfFlamingEffigies · 21/10/2012 09:30

I don't know what will happen when the GPs get older or if they can't manage to do the running around anymore. I suspect (based on experience) that Ex will simply stop seeing DD, whilst bleating loudly to all and sundry about how awful it is for him.

To whoever asked - DD is Ex's middle child. He has an older DD and a younger DS - I am now friendly with the mother of his oldest and have a mutual friend with the mother of his youngest. Hence me knowing about the state of his relationship with his other DC.

I have found that text and email works really well for us. Dates can be seen clearly by all, and there is a written trail to look back on if there is any uncertainty. There is no disagreement about the actual dates agreed this time - they just want to change them. They know exactly what they asked for and they know that I agreed to it.

Ex has no involvement at all in the arrangements btw. GF and I tend to do most of it as we are the ones who do the driving so it is us that need to be certain of what has been agreed. Ex has a looooong history of refusing to engage with anything until the last possible minute, and then acting hard-done-by if things can't be reworked to suit him.

OP posts:
Numberlock · 21/10/2012 09:32

My comment was aimed specifically at the statement that any changing of plans is upsetting and confusing for children.

TinyDancingHoofer · 21/10/2012 09:32

IMO you should contact him and explain nicely why she can't stay longer, just to try and keep things as civilised as they are. Whether that is through text, email or the GPs.

Original poster
QueenOfFlamingEffigies · 21/10/2012 09:34

seeker - DD will probably say she wants to stay there. But... she is a child, and in my family children aren't in charge to that degree. She wanted to go and visit, and I made sure that happened. But I'm not making her responsible for whether or not her father's twattiness gets results. In the long run, I feel it is best if he doesn't manage to control me like this.

OP posts:
Numberlock · 21/10/2012 09:35

When is she due back as things currently stand?

Original poster
QueenOfFlamingEffigies · 21/10/2012 09:35

Tiny - I have done that. I sent a polite reply to GF's message asking me to ring, to say that it was too short notice to change the dates this time.

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 21/10/2012 09:35

Seeker that is not a decision that a 9 year old in this situation should be making IMO.

She will feel flustered and guilty whichever she chooses.

It's not fair on anyone to prolong it on such short notice.

Numberlock · 21/10/2012 09:36

And why did you ask if you've clearly no interest in looking at other people's views?

Numberlock · 21/10/2012 09:36

Flustered and guilty? Upset and confused?

Jesus Christ.

Original poster
QueenOfFlamingEffigies · 21/10/2012 09:37

Tuesday afternoon. I would have been happy enough with Wednesday in the first place but they asked to return her on Tuesday. That was what they wanted. Not my problem if Ex decides at the last minute that it doesn't suit him.

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 21/10/2012 09:43

Listening to other people's views doesn't require you to agree with them.

Hearing people disagree with you can just confirm you in your belief that you are right.

waltermittymissus · 21/10/2012 09:55

*Flustered and guilty? Upset and confused?

Jesus Christ.*

Why Jesus Christ? I saw my own sd go trough the same emotions at the same age because WE used to ask did she want to stay longer. She always said yes and then she would go home and say we wouldn't let her leave!

And that was because she was torn and didn't know how to deal with it.

seeker · 21/10/2012 09:59

Why on earth would "would you like to stay an extra day?" make a 9 year old feel upset, flustered, guilty and confused?

Unless said 9 year old was aware of being a pawn in some adult game........

MissAnnersley · 21/10/2012 10:03

Yes I do think in these situations it is the adults who have to make the decisions. At the age of 9 my DS would have agreed with whoever he had spoken to last.
He was very, very keen not to be the cause of any conflict and became distressed when his dad asked him to stay extra night. He would agree and then come home and cry. He wanted to be with both of us.
It's very, very wrong to put a child under that kind of pressure. As an adult you may not see it as pressure but some children of separated parents do.

waltermittymissus · 21/10/2012 10:05

You're looking at it with adult eyes seeker and it's very different to the children caught in the middle.

Besides, why should her mum have to miss out on her time which she had plans for because her dad decided on a whim to have her for extra time?

Bonsoir · 21/10/2012 10:07

No, don't let yourself be bossed around by these people!

ErikNorseman · 21/10/2012 10:08

I think in this case it's more important that OP holds the boundaries with xp than it is for the dd to have the option if an extra day. I also think people are projecting their own contact situations onto the OP and not taking into account the unique issues at play.

UltraBOF · 21/10/2012 10:10

Stick to your guns. You've been perfectly reasonable.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 21/10/2012 10:10

I will probably get flamed for this, I am
A reasonable person I promise , but IMO there is no way my child would be 100 miles away from me staying with someone who won't talk to me.

And yes maybe the father doesn't see her much but between school work and homework and house keeping the main parent doesn't get that much quality time with a child either.

She's made plans and that's perfectly fine! Why shouldn't she arrange to do something with her daughter given she's the one who does the school runs cooks cleans irons washes her clothes etc.

DeckSwabber · 21/10/2012 10:15

The messages you are getting from the GPs don't make sense to me. Why are they nagging the OP to call the ex? The only reason I can think is that while they like seeing their GD and want things to work out, but they are fed up of doing all the hard work and negotiation. However, having tried and failed to get their son to grow up and take responsibility, they have decided to get the OP to engage with him.

Sorry but my gut reaction is to say that you ae happy with the plans for half term as they are, but that Ex is welcome to call you himself if he wants to discuss.

Also, I agree that it is unfair to put this on to the child. Mine are all quite a few years older but get quite anxious when asked to state their preferences about spending time with their dad or me.

Original poster
QueenOfFlamingEffigies · 21/10/2012 10:16

I am not entirely happy with the situation either, Wheresmycaffeinedrip but DD very much wants to go and so I have to come to some compromises on it. She did not go at all for a couple of years, as Ex refused to tell me where he was living. But when he moved back in with his parents, I felt like my main objection was null and void, and so she has been going for regular visits for a while now.

Personally, I think her father should make the arrangements himself but that's not going to happen. If I refused to communicate with the GPs to arrange visits, the visits just wouldn't happen at all.

OP posts:
YerMaw1989 · 21/10/2012 10:19

I actually agree caffienedrip I think you have been extremely accomodating so far.
It seems like people in your ex's life pander to his childishness enough as it is.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 21/10/2012 10:19

U should t have to do the all the running op and I think u have bent over backwards to do what's right for ur dd at alot of cost and effort to yourself. I personally think that if he was that bothered he would help more ! I admire how u have kept it up for two years and not lost it with him.

I think people r being unfair making u out to
Be the bad guy here!

NotaDisneyMum · 21/10/2012 10:20

OP - do you now have both your ex's phone number and that of his parents?

Have you called either of them to speak directly about this?

Seems to me that this is one of those situations where the written word is doing no-one any favours.

Decide whether you are going to change your plans and let your DD stay, phone up, and listen to what they have to say. If what they say doesn't change your decision, make it clear that you can't change your plans this time and ask that they stick to the original plan. Stay calm, don't rant or tell - calmly repeat that you will be picking your DD up from your parents on Tues as agreed. It's up to them whether they agree or not.

What are you going to do if they refuse to drop your DD back, though? Can you collect her yourself?

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