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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say DD can't stay with her father for an extra night, and to refuse to ring him to discuss it?

111 replies

QueenOfFlamingEffigies · 21/10/2012 08:11

There is lots of background to this (7 years worth [rolleyes]) but I will try and keep it to the bare bones and avoid drip feeding.

DD is 9. Her father walked out on us when she was 2, and has made very little effort to stay involved in her life since then. He refuses to speak to me (he's a bit strange like that - he has 3 DC by 3 women and won't speak to any of the mothers Hmm)

After years of difficulties, we have come to the current situation, which is that I arrange by text and email with his parents (who he lives with) when DD will visit them. As I now live about 100 miles from them, I take DD to my parents house which is about halfway, and the GPs collect her from there. This has been working fine for the last couple of years.

For this half term, I asked his parents a month in advance if they would like DD to visit and explained that it could be for no more than 4 days as I had some things I wanted to do with her as well. They sent a reply saying "Yes great, our car is in the garage on 24th so how is sat 20th to tue 23rd" to which I agreed. I've heard no more since then apart from to confirm collection time.

They came to collect her from my parent's yesterday, and GM asked my mum (I'd had to go before they arrived) if DD could stay an extra couple of nights as they didn't feel they were having her for long enough and that it wasn't really 4 days when you took travelling time into consideration. My mum said it wasn't up to her and told them to talk to me about it. I then get a text from GF saying "[EX] want's to discuss [DD's] visit with you, please can you ring him about it"

I sent a message back pointing out that I can't ring Ex as he refuses to give me his mobile number Hmm and that I wasn't prepared to change the days now as it was too short notice. Since then I have had 4 texts from GF's phone, firstly asking me to ring on that number (why the fuck could he not just ring me then??), followed by three messages giving me DD's father's number and repeating the request that I ring him.

I think this is Not On for several reasons - DD is going for the days that THEY ASKED FOR for a start, and if Ex wants to be involved in the arrangements he should do so when they are being bloody well made. I refuse to be drawn into discussion about extra days at this stage. He also can bugger off texting demands that I ring him. He can ring me himself if he suddenly feels the need to get involved. That's not unreasonable, right?

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenOfFlamingEffigies · 21/10/2012 08:40

seeker - I have no idea what she wants to do, not having asked her. But she is 9, and I don't want to make her choose tbh. She wanted to go to see them, I arranged it, she understood that it would be a shortish visit this time. Had they asked to have her until Wednesday in advance I would actually have agreed, but plans have been made now based on the agreed dates that they originally suggested.

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenOfFlamingEffigies · 21/10/2012 08:45

Sorry - just how am I using her to get back at my ex? How?

By making sure she sees him nearly every holiday, despite the fact that he refuses to engage with me or have any input into it? Its me who usually gets in touch with them to arrange visits, I might add.

This isn't a caring responsible father being unfairly treated here, I assure you. He doesn't see his two other children at all - one because the mother refuses him access because he consistently failed to turn up for visits and then behaved like a dick when he did turn up, the other because (in his words) she lives too far away.

OP posts:
Inertia · 21/10/2012 08:46

Think I would say that it's not possible to extend the stay this time as you have made other plans, but you are happy to consider a longer stay next time.

Original poster
QueenOfFlamingEffigies · 21/10/2012 08:47

And she is 'allowed to see him' Hmm

He's unemployed, all he does is hang around smoking weed and painting shit pictures. So they will get to spend all the days she is there together.

OP posts:
seeker · 21/10/2012 08:48

I'd still give her a ring " hi, sweetie. Grandma was wondering if you'd like to stay with them an extra day.I said I'd ask you because I thought we'd do x on Thursday, but we can always do that another day"

There might be something really good happening at her grwndma's she doesn't want to miss.

Numberlock · 21/10/2012 08:48

You said earlier she would probably be happy to go and that your plans could change. If she's back on Wednesday that still gives you four full days with her. I'm not sure why you asked the question now.

You'd only be making her choose if you phrased it in that way.

Numberlock · 21/10/2012 08:52

Seeker - that would be a loaded question, I would just ask if she wants to stay an extra day or so seeing as the OP has said that her plans can be changed.

OP - Is your daughter the eldest of her father's children?

scootle · 21/10/2012 08:53

Ime - stepmum for 10 years - it's always better to stick to the arrangements unless there is an emergency. YANBU.

AThingInYourLife · 21/10/2012 08:54

Stick to your plans.

You've worked hard to find an arrangement that works.

Don't vary it for no good reason.

I'm sure your daughter is also looking forward to seeing her other grandparents and cousins.

Numberlock · 21/10/2012 08:54

I've been divorced for ten years and regularly need to change plans from time to time. No big deal for any of us.

ToothbrushThief · 21/10/2012 08:54

Queen -I think he should stick to previous arrangement and I think that it needs making clear that changes to agreed contact need discussion and agreement prior to the event.

When your DD is old enough more flexibility is required to meet her requests.

This is from him (or the grandparents I suspect) and as you have made arrangements I think you are entitled to reply using the same contact (text) that he has and refuse.

seeker · 21/10/2012 08:55

I thoughnthwt puttingbit like that would be a way for the girl to say no if she wanted to "Sorry, granny, but we're going to X on Thursday"

Numberlock · 21/10/2012 09:00

I think they are having her till Wednesday Seeker.

As an aside, what is going to happen as the grandparents get older and less active or something happened to them, eg have to go into residential care?

Funnylittleturkishdelight · 21/10/2012 09:01

Don't see how seeker's question is loaded?

It is upsetting and confusing for a child to change plans last minute- she might want to stay, she might want to come home.

And it's a few more days- bringing it to Friday, which is the majority of the half term and taking away planned activities with the mother. It is vitally important 'fun' time is spent with the mum too- she gets the hard midweek work and therefore needs holiday time to establish a balanced and healthy relationship.

Numberlock · 21/10/2012 09:06

OP said she'd be back on Wed even if she stays longer.

And I don't see my kids being 'upset and confused' if plans change at short notice due to mine or their dad's jobs.

But clearly this is one of those threads where you're not allowed to disagree.

akaemmafrost · 21/10/2012 09:06

I don't agree that it's up to dd. Its half term presumably the OP would like to spend some quality time with dd over a holiday period?

OP your ex sounds like a twat I wouldn't ring him either.

Shutupanddrive · 21/10/2012 09:08

Why not just ring him? It might be the breakthrough you need to be more civilised towards each other for your dd's sake? Refusing to speak to each other is ridiculous. Stop playing games

Shutupanddrive · 21/10/2012 09:09

Then if he is still a knob after that, at least you have tried

Lovecat · 21/10/2012 09:12

How is the OP playing games? It's the ex that refuses to speak to her or pick his own child up, making his parents do the running!

I would not change things because it is such short notice. Perhaps suggest having her for a bit longer at Christmas/NY break if absolutely necessary, but nail it down now?

Stick to your guns, OP.

TheSkiingGardener · 21/10/2012 09:13

I think the issue here is the appalling communication and late demands. I'd text back OP saying that this visit has been arranged and you have plans, but that THEY are welcome to call YOU to arrange a longer visit next time. All this texting you to demand you call them is ridiculous.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 21/10/2012 09:13

I have to say I think you have all been very lucky so far that with this absurd text arrangement that nothing has gone wrong. Maybe I'm just thick but I mis read or mis type things all the time and to think that an arrangement has to go through other people before the father actually gets the reply leaves things open to so much interpretation.

I would feel very worried all the time that I had got something wrong or that a part of a message hadnt been passed on.

:(

waltermittymissus · 21/10/2012 09:15

Aside from anything else you have made plans with your daughter!

This is not about giving her more time with her dad. Her dad is unemployed so could get off his arse and come see his daughter for days if he wanted to.

Stand your ground. Short notice changes aren't fair and just because you are the RP doesn't mean you should always be the one put out!

ajandjjmum · 21/10/2012 09:21

I would respond by saying 'sorry, we have other plans, but if you'd like to have DD for a longer time in the future, just say, and we'll schedule it in.'

seeker · 21/10/2012 09:23

Why not ring the child and ask her?

MissAnnersley · 21/10/2012 09:24

YANBU.

However, I like ajandj's reply. It keeps things open.

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