More of a wwyd. Lending family money.

[dollywashers]

My Dad has a huge history of bad money management. Tried to help him with this but he's not interested. I lent him £10 a few weeks ago. Never got it back but not too bothered as wouldn't have lent it to him if I couldn't afford it. Now asking for £20 til Thursday when he gets paid. Thing is I know that will mean he is short next week. And it bugs me cos I know he will just waste the money like he always does. Im thinking about saying I'll buy him food but not give him money. Is that patronising?

Hmmm. I would be tempted to just turn up with a few bags of shopping to tide him over rather than asking but maybe that's worse than telling him.

Think that is quite sensible tbh, or it will just be more next week and so on. Just say, rather than cash ,what would he like you to add to your next shop and drop in - bet he can't think of anything. Is it debt, fags, booze, bingo or what that means he regularsly can't manage within his means ?

Say you can't afford to lend him more until he repays you what he already owes. He knows now you won't chase him for it, so now it has doubled to £20, soon it will go up to £50, and so on. Well, that's just my bitter experience helping out a feckless brother.

I understand its your dad and ou want to help him, but you're doing him no favours by making him think its okay to spend and lend.

Buying him some food sounds like a good idea. I wouldn't worry about whether you are being patronising or not.

I would never lend money to family - either it is given or some other way is found to help out....

My family would use me as a monthly wage if they could - give a little, then a lot is asked for over time.... your dad has asked you for double what you last "lent" him - will that continue? I would just drop some food by when you visit, ask him what he needs...

I guess it depends what he needs the money for. Maybe he needs it for the electricity meter.

It's so difficult to say know. I have been in your position. It starts as £10 but when people realise that you will keep giving they ask for more.

In the end I just had to say no despite it hurting me as they are my family.

I would possibly ask what is making him short and try and help in other ways. Shopping, budgeting?

I wouldn't worry about coming across as patronising. He is asking for your money, you have a right to ask why.

He'll just keep coming back and back and back! Sometimes you have to break the cycle if they're ever going to see they need to change. He doesnt need to manage his money, does he? Not while he's got the bank of you! I do know about this. My parents are 60 and due to a lifetime of being bailed out over and over again, they've never had a reason to change. They just do the big sigh and launch into their tale of woe, safe in the knowledge that someone will yet again bail them out. They then go on to make the same stupid choices.

I know it's harsh, but I would not lend him anything. I wouldn't buy him food either, as he can piss his cash up a wall knowing you'll show up with a Tesco shop.

If family hadn't bailed my parents out of their every mess for 40 years, perhaps they would have grown the fuck up.

I realise I am projecting madly but I know how bloody frustrating it gets!

No I wouldn't.

Especially as he hadn't paid the last lot back.

Just called him and offered to buy food. He gave me a small list. Feel much happier about buying food than giving him money to fritter away like he usually does. Thanks for the advice everyone.

It all depends on what he needs it for?
If you are 'lending' rather than 'giving', you need to make it clear that you need the money back on date 'X' for example or you will not be 'lending' again.
Of course the other option like pp have said buy some shopping for him if that is what he needs.

Lending money to family is fine providing they are not 'serial borrowers' because they will just keep asking for more then relying on you every time they get in a pickle.