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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To NOT want to fly for 24 hours, then go to DHs friends, spend the night and go to a party the day after?

70 replies

SilverCharm · 19/10/2012 00:23

We're going to Oz for Christmas....we arrive at his parent's house where we will be staying for a month on Friday afternoon and DH wants us all to go to go to his friends home on saturday which is an hour and a half drive away.

He wants to spend the night there and then the next day attend the party of another friend who lives nearby the first friends home and which will be an all day affair.

I don't want to spend the night at friend ones home on our first day in Oz...jet lagged with a 4 year old and an 8 year old.

I am happy to go to the friends...spend the day and then drive back to his Mothers house....te next day I am happy to drive that way again and attend the party of the other friend....I DO NOT want to spend the night!

We won't even have unpacked ffs. I am a shy and private person and haven't met his friends often...they're all very nice but I will find it unbearable to not have privacy and the kids will be overtired.

DHs reasoning is that he wont have to drive an hour and a half repeatedly and can have a drink.

I say tough. I see he missed his mate etc and so suggested he just take the kids without me to his friends and stay the night and then do the party the next day (called his bluff really) because he wont want to do this as I wont be there to look after them so he wont be able to get drunk etc.

AIBU?

OP posts:

plutocrap · 19/10/2012 09:39

He has to do it without you. That way, the kids won't be torn away from their beloved GM as soon as they see her again, and have a chance to adapt to the time change quietly, rather than in a maelstrom of unfamiliar people, places and sounds. My 4yo would absolutely HATE the scheme your DH has proposed (I can't speak for the 8yo, but you said s/he is shy, too).

Furthermore, you will get to rest and catch up with your DMIL (it sounds like you get on ), rather than being stuck miles and hours (days?) from a good sleep and some rest (sleep and rest are different). You won't be feeling resentful of him, either.

He will be able to see everyone, do his drinking, ensure he sees everyone he has been missing, without inspiring tantrums in his kids and resentment in his wife. If he causes any problems with limelight-stealing, he alone will face the catsbum mouths; those looks won't be directed at his innocent DW and DC.

The only reasons I can think of that he is insisting on your coming with him are:

showing you off
wanting you to want what he wants, without his having to feel guilty.

Original poster

SilverCharm · 19/10/2012 09:44

Pluto that is my main reason...the DC just won't like it. They're both homebodies...they will be comfortable with MIL and they'll want to be with her....not a bunch of strangers...which sadly is what DHs mates ARE to them. We have a month to aquaint them and I want to do it in a way the DC will enjoy.

OP posts:

lottiegarbanzo · 19/10/2012 10:04

Also, this sort of experience, of too much travelling and being placed in uncomfortable situations, will have far more significance for your DCs, seeming to take longer, be a more overwhelming experience and forming a landmark memory for them. This will become an emotionally important part of the way they understand travel and Australia forever.

If they were going to have an amazing time when they get to his friends' houses that would be one thing, though still exhausting but I'd expect the flight to be a huge, long, exciting and draining experience in itself. More than enough for one weekend. Doing nice things with their Grandma will be much more comforting.

Original poster

SilverCharm · 19/10/2012 10:12

I know what you mean Lottie they get snapshot memmories don't they...and they'll be thinking "Oh yes...Australia means going to Uncle and Auntie Xs house for HOURS and HOURS and falling asleep in a weird van."

I want them to enjoy going to see DHs mates...

OP posts:

LindyHemming · 19/10/2012 10:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

plutocrap · 19/10/2012 10:18

Poor kids. Good point about its colouring their impression of Australia, lottie.

SilverCharm, have you ever taken the DC to something they hated, that DH wanted to go to/ dragged them away from a beloved relative early/ pushed them to continue beyond being tired, which could serve as a reminder of what can/does go wrong? It could convince him to do it on his own.

Original poster

SilverCharm · 19/10/2012 10:27

Not really pluto but DH himself complains that as a kid, his parents were always at piss ups where all the DC were chucked in a room together to have a "sleepover" which meant to get on with it as best as they could. Funny how he''s following their example!

OP posts:

Coralanne · 19/10/2012 10:29

He'sbeing totally unreasonable.

Have the DC been to Australia before? If not it will be bit of a shock contending with the heat at this time of year.

I think he's being totally unreasonable.

From my point of view, I would be totally shattered if my DD turned up with the DC and then left again the next day.

Sounds as though he needs to be given a wake up call and show some consideration towards his parents.

I know that friends are extremely important but family really should come first in this instance.

Coralanne · 19/10/2012 10:31

Just read your reply to Pluto.

There's really nothing wrong with what he wants to do. Unfortunately it's just the timing.

CheshireDing · 19/10/2012 10:31

It does sound like the limelight would be stolen from the 1st Birthday, can you not just tell them you are coming? (is that completely ridiculous?)

I have done that flight a few times (without children though) and you will either be wide awake or fall asleep at the party though. I think it's unfair on the children, they will be knackered/wired!

Sorry if that's already been said.

plutocrap · 19/10/2012 10:32

Well, you could always "strike" on arrival at Granny's, especislly if you're not expected elsewhere!

Bit of a shame he can't see the irony you've already spotted

Blu · 19/10/2012 10:32

RuleBrittania, do you know how long it takes to travel to Aus? With the stop in the middle? And that the time difference is 12 hours - a complete day to night turnaround. You can fly 11 hours south to S Africa and the time difference is a mere 4 hours, a completely different ball game jetlag wise....plus there are two children. Chilren, IME can often suffer very badly from a 12 hour time difference.

plutocrap · 19/10/2012 10:40

Is he insecure, afraid that you will enjoy yourselves without him? You've indicated that you and the DC are a lot more reserved than him. Wanting to burst into a party as a surprise could be a boost for someone with this kind of insecurity...?

BookieMonster · 19/10/2012 10:42

When we flew back to Oz last time, DD2 (then 8) was very proud of the fact that she hadn't slept for 36 hours and had watched Alvin and the Chipmunks seven times on repeat. As you can imagine, she was a complete joy the day after we landed and for quite a few days after that...
Your DH may be under the misguided impression that your kids will "sleep on the plane" so they "won't be so tired." Bollocks. They'll be jet lagged and whiny for at least three days and will spend the first week getting up at 3am WIDE awake. It is not the time to be inflicting them on people that aren't related to them.
I love my 3 DC, even when they are jet lagged. It's a bit much to expect other people to feel the same.

plutocrap · 19/10/2012 10:44

By the personality difference I mean that he might be struggling to cope with the difference, misinterpreting staying home/ being quiet as sulking/ being unhappy. Forcing you all to be sociable isn't the answer, of course, but he doesn't seem to get that yet.

1charlie1 · 19/10/2012 11:11

YANBU. I have done this trip many times in the past 6 years - 3 times in the past 16 months! (Bloody hell...) There is absolutely no way I could do the schedule your DH is proposing, and we don't even have kids to contend with. I plan NOTHING for the first three days, just hang out with my folks, a friend might drop in for coffee, go into town etc. I do my best to stay awake until around 8.30pm - 9pm for the first few nights, then after about three days I feel pretty normal.
Will HE be ok to drive? The last time DH and I were there, we drove 2 hours each way to a spa afternoon my SIL had organised for us, the Friday after a Wednesday arrival. It was ok, but I definitely didn't feel completely 'normal' as a driver. The spa pampering helped with the jet lag though!
It all depends on you, and how jet lag normally affects you and the kids. I could never cope with what your DH has planned. Clearly, he is a brilliant traveller!

1charlie1 · 19/10/2012 11:16

Forgot to add, my DPs would be VERY upset if DH and I took off somewhere else immediately we arrived, and we don't even have kids yet!

OnwardBound · 19/10/2012 11:36

Sorry haven't read all 3 pages so this may have already been said or explained as inconvenient by you.

But if I were in your shoes I would simply tell DH you absolutely cannot commit to any plans at this point in time and will just have to take it one day at a time.

i don't know if you have ever flown to Aus before but it's a jolly long flight, especially with young fidgetty kids. You may feel fine when you get there, or as is more common, you will feel like death warmed up and have serious jet lag and will need a couple of days to adjust to the time zone and weather and unpack and just take it easy.

And you really don't know how the kids will feel either.

So it's possible you may feel up to a couple of parties in your first couple of days, equally possible that you won't.

If you don't feel up to it could your husband go by himself and introduce his friends to his family at a later date?

And if you are left 'babysitting' the kids your DH should also give you a couple of days off when he gets back so you can take yourself off to the beach or shopping or just read a book in peace.

Good luck and enjoy your time in Australia. It is a beautiful country and I'm sure you'll have a lovely time [as long as you get enough rest!]

gettingtogrips · 19/10/2012 12:04

My sister lives in Australia and has come back to visit 3 times. Each time she has managed to sleep long stretches on the plane but it has taken her 3 days to begin to feel human again. She's 25 and is well used to night shifts, late nights, hangovers etc but the jet lag is something else. She feels absolutely horrendous for the first 24-36 hours after landing. I think your DH is underestimating the journey.

madonnawhore · 19/10/2012 12:26

Havent read the whole thread so sorry if this has been answered but have either of you ever done the flight to Oz before?

I've done it lots of times and the jetlag is brutal. I think your DH's plans are U. When the jetlag hits it's like being smashed into a wall. Youre going to need a nice comfy bed that you can get to immediately and sleep like you're in a coma for at least 12 hours!

I'd try and keep your first few days there as low key as possible.

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