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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT want to fly for 24 hours, then go to DHs friends, spend the night and go to a party the day after?

70 replies

SilverCharm · 19/10/2012 00:23

We're going to Oz for Christmas....we arrive at his parent's house where we will be staying for a month on Friday afternoon and DH wants us all to go to go to his friends home on saturday which is an hour and a half drive away.

He wants to spend the night there and then the next day attend the party of another friend who lives nearby the first friends home and which will be an all day affair.

I don't want to spend the night at friend ones home on our first day in Oz...jet lagged with a 4 year old and an 8 year old.

I am happy to go to the friends...spend the day and then drive back to his Mothers house....te next day I am happy to drive that way again and attend the party of the other friend....I DO NOT want to spend the night!

We won't even have unpacked ffs. I am a shy and private person and haven't met his friends often...they're all very nice but I will find it unbearable to not have privacy and the kids will be overtired.

DHs reasoning is that he wont have to drive an hour and a half repeatedly and can have a drink.

I say tough. I see he missed his mate etc and so suggested he just take the kids without me to his friends and stay the night and then do the party the next day (called his bluff really) because he wont want to do this as I wont be there to look after them so he wont be able to get drunk etc.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
SilverCharm · 19/10/2012 00:30

I sound mean saying he wants only to get drunk...it's not true...he wants us all to be with his mates and that's fine...but I don't see why we have to stay the night. He claims it's their relationship...traditionally that's what they do...but I say "maybe when you were all 20!" We're all 40 ffs...I want cocoa and a decent bed in his Mum's spare room!

OP posts:
Original poster
SilverCharm · 19/10/2012 00:35

bump. I really need an answer... Smile DH is moaning and I want to tell him I am being unreasonable or not.

OP posts:
IndianOcean · 19/10/2012 00:36

Both versions sound exhausting.
What about just going for the day party on the second day at friend 2's and seeing both friends then? If you are there for a whole month surely you can see friend one some other time?
Or stay with his parents and the kids while he goes off on this trip without you. Why does he have to take the kids?

IndianOcean · 19/10/2012 00:37

YABU if you refuse EVER to go and stay the night with the friend - but straight after the flight is OTT. Go later ion the month.

Toomanycuppas · 19/10/2012 00:38

You are NBU. If you mean you are arriving on the Friday before Christmas don't forget to factor in the pre-holiday-weekend traffic. Another thing, driving with jet-lag is really dangerous. One minute you could feel fine then it hits like a ton of bricks.

Original poster
SilverCharm · 19/10/2012 00:38

Ok...I missed some info...DH wants to fecking surprise friend one...which is why he wants to go on saturday to his house...and not turn up as a big surprise thing on the other friends bash on Sunday as it is a pre arranged birthday party which will be derailed by DH's dramatic entrance. Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
SilverCharm · 19/10/2012 00:41

Indian why should I spend the night at his mates though? I don't llike spending nights in other people's houses...family...ok...but mates? No! That's for when you're 17 and pissed.

OP posts:
Toomanycuppas · 19/10/2012 00:44

I have to tell you Silver, I've really had enough of this surprise visit business myself, either by friends coming here to Oz from England or other way round. It can be so flippin inconvenient, not to mention "surprise visitor" can take limelight .

apostropheuse · 19/10/2012 00:45

Why don't you stay at his mum's with the kids and let him go to see his friends for the two days?

Toomanycuppas · 19/10/2012 00:46

So Silver, you all turn up as surprise at friend's party then they have to arrange sleeping arrangements for all of you without prior notice? Is this right? Would be crazy!

Original poster
SilverCharm · 19/10/2012 00:48

toomanycups totally agree....his mate's wife (sunday party) will think we are limelight stealing as it is her baby's 1st birthday...but mate one will be thrlled to see DH...they are like brothers and his wife is VERY relaxed...open house at all times.

Apostropheuse...I would but DH thinks it's awful of me...he wants us all to go there and see his mates.

OP posts:
Original poster
SilverCharm · 19/10/2012 00:48

Toomany no....another friend who knows we are coming has offered a camper van. Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
SilverCharm · 19/10/2012 00:49

Should have made that clear...though we COULD stay in mate ones home...he and his wife are very welcoming and would offer with no bother and be glad to.

OP posts:
Toomanycuppas · 19/10/2012 00:52

Still think your DH is BU but can understand his excitement. Camper van , send him and kids, you come round mine Silver and you can have a nice comfy bed and not be disturbed for 24 hours and then I'll give you tea and toast. I'm in Sydney.

Original poster
SilverCharm · 19/10/2012 00:57

Ah toomany that sounds more up my street. Smile

I actually think his Mum might be peeved too...she's not seen the DC for 2 years! She'll want to be with them!

OP posts:
TinyDancingHoofer · 19/10/2012 01:06

aww... he sounds really excited, like he wants to show off his family. His idea sounds fun, for a group of childless twentysomethings. I don't have a solution, sorry.
I don't think YABU to not want to do it.

Original poster
SilverCharm · 19/10/2012 01:14

I know Tiny but he's going to have to chill. His Mum will probably be upset if we just bugger off for the first 24 hours and rightly so imo. She's waited ages for this visit and probably has all kinds planned...CHILD centred things...like the beach and visits to close neighbours and the park and just playing in the garden.

I think it's best to go to see his close friend...and then the other friend...let them have their party and go to see them with a gift a few days later..

OP posts:
LarkinSky · 19/10/2012 01:19

YANBU, he needs to draw a Venn diagram with circles for jet-lagged children, jet-lagged wife, excited-to-see-grandchildren-grandparents, needs of old friends, surprise ratio and his own excitement factor. Not to mention his safety to drive long distance straight after long-haul flight.

Then he needs to balance everybody's needs. That is what a grown-up does, but I think only he can do it - sit him down with a crayon and paper this weekend to work it out.

HTH

saffronwblue · 19/10/2012 01:35

Not only you but your DC will be jetlagged. This can mean that once you land and get to bed they will be completely awake from, say 2-6 am while your every cell is screaming in tiredness. I have travelled many times between Oz and Europe and you really have to accept that your functioning is compromised for several days each way.

AdoraBell · 19/10/2012 01:42

I wouldn't do it. My OH, before we met, once fell asleep driving from the airport after flying from Greece to the UK. We now live in Chile and he has finally accepted that it's dangerous to drive the day or day after a long flight.

I would be fully prepaired to be classed as the miserable party pooper and stay put to sleep off/adjust the jet lag. YANBU.

BessieMcBean · 19/10/2012 02:00

I think it's too much to ask. The chances are someone, child or adult or all chidren and all adults, are just spaced out with tiredness. I spose I am getting on a bit but long flights just exhaust me and the first night, whether I slept on the plane or not, I am truly shattered. But you will have DCs who might be exhausted but might be wide awake so you might not even get much sleep on that first night.

Travel back and forth both times.

And an all day party after a party the day before? Asking alot imo.

TheCatInTheHairnet · 19/10/2012 02:18

I can get why he would be so excited. Tbh, I think I would just suck it up. I know it's going to be exhausting, but if it means that much to your DH, I would go along with it. You can sleep afterwards and your DH will be happy.

LindyHemming · 19/10/2012 07:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

inabeautifulplace · 19/10/2012 07:23

For me it depends really. If you don't visit often then his chances of seeing all those friends together may be limited to a small number of days for the rest of his life. For that I think you should be able to compromise.

However, if such a gathering could be arranged for later in the trip then you should ask him to try and organise that.

Any public transport available?

echt · 19/10/2012 07:26

God, OP, you're going to be jetlagged anyway. It's worse going from Europe to Oz rather than the other way round.

You'll probably be OK for the first party; though staying over is a big ask.

The all-dayer? he's having a larf, innee? You will all be weeping with fatigue and wanting to sleep at 6.00-7.00 p.m.

Travel to and from the parties, and be ready to leave the all-dayer early.

Have a good time. It's a great place.