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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To NOT want to fly for 24 hours, then go to DHs friends, spend the night and go to a party the day after?

70 replies

SilverCharm · 19/10/2012 00:23

We're going to Oz for Christmas....we arrive at his parent's house where we will be staying for a month on Friday afternoon and DH wants us all to go to go to his friends home on saturday which is an hour and a half drive away.

He wants to spend the night there and then the next day attend the party of another friend who lives nearby the first friends home and which will be an all day affair.

I don't want to spend the night at friend ones home on our first day in Oz...jet lagged with a 4 year old and an 8 year old.

I am happy to go to the friends...spend the day and then drive back to his Mothers house....te next day I am happy to drive that way again and attend the party of the other friend....I DO NOT want to spend the night!

We won't even have unpacked ffs. I am a shy and private person and haven't met his friends often...they're all very nice but I will find it unbearable to not have privacy and the kids will be overtired.

DHs reasoning is that he wont have to drive an hour and a half repeatedly and can have a drink.

I say tough. I see he missed his mate etc and so suggested he just take the kids without me to his friends and stay the night and then do the party the next day (called his bluff really) because he wont want to do this as I wont be there to look after them so he wont be able to get drunk etc.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Chandon · 19/10/2012 07:32

leave the kids with ILs and just go for it?

ifancyashandy · 19/10/2012 07:37

Think I would just go with it TBH. You're on holiday and can sleep back at the PIL's when you get back from the parties. And if you need a lie down at the all-dayer, I'm sure the hosts will understand and provide a quiet room for you & the kids. One off? Yeah, I'd just go and let people know I may not be at my sparkling, party best.

SunflowersSmile · 19/10/2012 07:38

Oh I so sympathise.

Not sure if Australian thing to just bounce people and expect to be welcome?
[Teeth gritting experiences]. Maybe some Australians can clarify.
The jet lag and travelling with the kids would have me arguing furiously with dh.
[Bitter experience of having to suck it up while seething!!].

ComradeJing · 19/10/2012 07:50

The DC are going to be out of their brains with jetlag - does he realise it's a 10 hour time difference? It takes at least 3 days (and that's being very strict with yourself on naps etc) to get over jetlag.

He is mad and BVU to want to do this right at the start of a holiday.

However, YWBVU to refuse to do this at all during the holiday.

JustSpidero · 19/10/2012 07:52

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all - when we went to Oz on our honeymoon it took me about a week to adjust properly, however we did manage to get out and about and I found it was more being awake when I shouldn't be than being tired that was the issue.

Under the heading 'life is short' I would probably go with it - as shandy says, if the hosts are good mates they will understand if you and/or the kids start flagging a bit. Chandon's suggestion is good too.

Arithmeticulous · 19/10/2012 07:57

Can you move your flights back a day?

Say you'll do it if your DH looks after the kids for the entire flight ?

eurowitch · 19/10/2012 08:04

I'm going to go against the tide here. I'm with your husband. He's going all that way to see friends and family, and he's excited about it. And staying over means that if jetlag hits you or the kids, you will have a bed you can take yourselves off to for a nap. He should warn his parents he will be arriving and running though, so they are not disappointed.

I don't know why you think you need to be 20something to have a few drinks and stay over with friends. I'm late 30s and doing exactly that next weekend! The friends we are visiting live an hour and a half away and have two small children. We see them quite regularly but have not had dinner and a few drinks with them in a couple of years. They've just moved to a bigger house with room for us to stay over so this is exactly what we will be doing!

Trills · 19/10/2012 08:07

I don't know why you think the friend won't have a bed for you and a spare room. Like you said, you're 40 not 17.

mumto2andnomore · 19/10/2012 08:14

If I hasn't seem my friends for ages I'd be excited about seeing them too , you do sound like a bit of a killjoy. If you really think its too much for the kids could you leave them with the grandparents or send him on his own ?

RuleBritannia · 19/10/2012 08:19

There's nothing wrong with driving after a long flight. Mine was half the distance though (7000 miles) and I wasn't jetlagged - just tired. I arrived at the other end to find my son, who'd been to an all night party, meeting me with a car. He wanted me to drive to a game park 4 hours away while he slept in the passenger seat.

Mountains can be overcome. Make the effort. Your children will be excited at the prospect of everything they are going to experience. Please don't be a wet blanket.

MrsKeithRichards · 19/10/2012 08:24

Personally I think you're being a bit obtuse. Can you imagine what it's like living thousands of from friends and family. What he wants to do isn't impossible. Don't make it all about you, he'll have so many people he wants to see.

Jet lag isn't a dead cert, some people adjust better than others. Just go with it, if everyone is a jet lagged as you think they will be then have a plan b in place, let him go and you stay with kids at in laws.

Original poster

SilverCharm · 19/10/2012 08:39

MrsKeith Of course I can imagine what its like...I have done it for years.

Trills they wont have a bed in their home...another friend has offered their camper van.

Mumto I offered to DH that I was happy for him to go alone and stay the night....the DC and I could go to the prty the next day but no...he wants us all to do both.

OP posts:

MrsHoarder · 19/10/2012 08:39

I think HIBU a bit. Giving you all 24 hours to get a bit orientated with family will mean you all enjoy yourselves more. Especially if the wife of the friend whose party it is is likely to get out of joint when you all pitch up as a surprise.

You have a month to visit. If he wants a party, why doesn't he host one not in the first 24 hours you are there? Find a reason (child's birthday/half birthday, anything) and a venue.

Original poster

SilverCharm · 19/10/2012 08:47

MrsHoarder she is likely to get disjointed and I wouldn't blame her. Most of his mates are rather relaxed but this woman is likely to be quite well organised and wont be expecting to cater for extra....

I agree that we should host our own....his Mum would love that...she is very sociable and loves his friends.

OP posts:

BigBroomstickBIWI · 19/10/2012 08:51

If you're determined not to enjoy it and to be tired, then you will be.

And why won't you even have unpacked? How long can it take?!

However, I can absolutely understand why you don't want to stay the night, and I think your solution of driving home is a good one. Why don't you do that but tell DH he can stay overnight? That way he gets to be with all his mates and you and the DC get to go home/sleep in proper beds.

urbandaisy · 19/10/2012 09:02

Sunflower, it certainly bloody isn't an Australian thing. I'd loathe someone to do that to me.

Silver, it strikes me your DH could upset/inconvenience a lot of people. You and the kids, particularly as the kids will be bouncing off the walls in the middle of the night and demanding entertainment. His friends, particularly as he's expecting them to host kids who'll be bouncing off the walls in the middle of the night. His Mum, who will be so desperate to see the grandkids.

And what if his mates are already packed to the rafters with people staying over from the party?

Plus there is just no predicting when the Killer Fatigue will set in. I always try to keep the first three days pretty clear so I can crash if needed. I think I'm like you and I hate drawing attention to myself eg by asking if I can go have a nap mid-afternoon. It feels so rude.

I've done that trip many, many times though only once so far with DS. There's just no predicting how you'll pull up from that trip. I'd also be wary of the drive in the first few days, to be honest, unless you're sure you'll be doing it fresh. remembers having to stop for a sleep in the car driving 2 hours to parents after particularly hellish flight.

Original poster

SilverCharm · 19/10/2012 09:02

I can't drive. He doesn't want to do the drive as he wants to have a drink...BUT he wont accept me not going....it's like he wants me there and the DC but mainly just so he can get pissed whilst I look after the kids

I hardly drink so will be able to. But it will be miserable with two tired kids who are both shy.

OP posts:

IndianOcean · 19/10/2012 09:05

Er, suppose you drive 1.5 hours to friend one for the big surprise and he isn't there? Sounds mad.

It sounds as if je is very excited and being a bit unrealistic. Also the camper van... but in truth I would probably go with this, except for the fact of arriving to see his mum and then buggering straight off - that feels a bit cruel, and rude.

BigBroomstickBIWI · 19/10/2012 09:10

If you can't drive, it is different. (Why can't you drive?! - but that's another thread )

But it's unreasonable of you to suggest that he has to drive you back home, as it does mean he won't be able to have a drink.

Can you go, but leave the DC with your PILs?

procrastinor · 19/10/2012 09:14

Oh I think he is BU. if it was just the two of you then I'd say suck it up and go. But he's being really self-centred. To the poster who said you're making this all about you, I think that's the opposite of what you're doing. You seem to be the only one thinking of the dc, his mom, his friend's partner and yourselves (you and dh).

So you try to grin and bear it having entertained and cajoled two kids for an incredibly long flight. You then rock up to his mom's - who'll be really excited to see you and the dc - and what? Tell her thanks but no thanks, we're off, not just for a couple of hours but two days. And then rock up at a 1st birthday, getting the host woman's back up because not only does she have to suddenly sort out four extra people (including two dc who could range from shattered to hyper) but try and find a bed for them. (Oh and she will because shell know the distance you'll have traveled and would be mortified at you sleeping in a camper van). Plus she then has her dh going off with his mate rather than helping out and enjoying his own child's birthday party. Then do it again the next day.

Frankly your dh is being bloody rude. I could understand if you were there for only two weeks. But you're there for a whole month so it's not like you only have a couple of days spare to see people. I'd 100% say you and the dc won't be going but he is more than welcome to go (not in a sarcy way, genuinely he should go - he'd probably enjoy it more) and say that you all could have a big party at his moms house.

bragmatic · 19/10/2012 09:15

Ugh. That journey is hideous. No way.

sandyballs · 19/10/2012 09:24

I'd do it, you might not feel as bad as you think, I didn't suffer that much with jetlag when we went to NZ, mind you I was in my mid 20's at the time.

Greece to UK??? That's a four hour flight max, surely? Couldn't possibly involve jetlag!!

lottiegarbanzo · 19/10/2012 09:27

I think this sounds like a nightmare. I'd want at least a day at the PILs, sleeping when I needed to, not having any big organised activities, just settling in, chatting to people and finding my feet.

If you do this you must tell the PIL well in advance, they could be really disappointed and upset.

Sounds like he wants to show you off while expecting you to act as childcare staff, to enable him to do as he pleases, without a thought for you and DCs' comfort. I understand that may be through thoughtless enthusiasm but it's still pretty crap.

Surely it would be fine for him to go and say to his friends that his parents were desperate to see the children, so you're staying with them, then organise something else with you nd the friends later in the trip.

Original poster

SilverCharm · 19/10/2012 09:38

I can't drive because I'm epileptic. It's another reason why I don't want to get very tired. But I do try not to let it get in the way of things which is why I never put it as an excuse.

OP posts:

Original poster

SilverCharm · 19/10/2012 09:39

Sandy it's UK to Australia. Not Greece!

OP posts:

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