to leave my 3 year old at a party and not inform the parents of his heart condition?

[EurekasMa]

DS (3) goes to more parties than I do. One of either DH or I have always gone with him (as you do with little ones) and so this has not come up before.

He has a heart condition (not structural) and it is well controlled with meds. The cardiologist said that he should live life as a normal child and he does not get any special treatment from us. He occasionally passes out quite dramatically if he gets a big fright or falls (as in people jump back and gasp and act like it might be catching rather than helping or holding him). Few people other than close friends know about it.

He has been invited to a party this weekend and the deal is to drop the children off. I vaguely know the Mum (from pre-school) and we have swopped deatils. I am reluctant to mention his condition as A) it will worry the other Mum when the chances of anything happening are teeny and B) I don't want DS to be seen as different.

Would it be really dodgy to fail to mention it?

I would never leave a 3 year old at a party! I would either ask to stay or decline.

veryvery - I am just utterly gobsmacked that you would even consider giving your child over to someone without telling them of your child's condition. Truly, truly gobsmacked. You say it rarely happens - same with my child - but that the last time you had to give him mouth-to-mouth to get him back. And you don't want to freak out the babysitter? dear god. What if something happened, they didn't know, and nothing was done, and (god.forbid) you lost your child? What about the babysitter, who would have to live wiht a child dying on her watch? That's aside from the total agony of losing your own child when it is so easily preventable. I simply don't understand where you're coming from at all.

the info I gave to anyone who looked after my son was very short and to the point: this is what to look out for, here's my number, here's the direct number of the cardiologist. Chances are it won't happen at all but if it does you're prepared. All done in practically a nanosecond. ok a few seconds. all matter of fact. no-one batted an eyelid.

Op, I wouldn't be phased at being told that one of the children at my dc's party had that condition. It wouldn't make me treat him differently (except perhaps once or twice just checking on him in a way he wouldn't notice) or not invite him again.

However if a 3yo passed out at a party, I'd probably be looking at calling 999 before you, then if you hadn't arrived it could well be me in the ambulance with him missing my dc's party iyswim. That would put me off inviting him again without you.

And it depends on the 3yo whether it's okay to leave them. Dd1 wouldn't have wanted to be left, dd2 loved to be left, and I still tend to stay with ds (year 1) as he finds the noise (hearing issues) hard to cope with after a length of time, so he may need to be taken out for 2-3 minutes if he's getting overwhelmed.

"Very" I think you should tell anyone what might happen and what to do. If you've got a plan of action (eg 1. say his name loudly, 2. if doesn't respond rub his face... or whatever) it is much easier not to panic.

I think I am rattling your denial cage veryvery. And if it saves your child's life then it's worth it. By not doing all you can to protect his life you are neglecting him. To say I simply don't understand where you are coming from is not judging you, it's the truth. What I am saying is the truth: you are jeopardising his life.

Something that has happened five times in four years isn't rare veryvery. It's a more than annual event. On past performance you should assume it will happen again and that may not be when you are with him.

No I'm not springy . I have never jeopardised his life. Ever.

So where is the acceptable line to be drawn in the future do you think, or isn't there one at all? Surely anything I do less than being with him at all times or ensuring that anyone he is with is able to competantly perform CPR is going to, in your words "jeopardise his life".

in 20+ years, an incident has happened twice - and it was only a full-blown incident once. that's rare.

I would not leave a 3 year old at a party whatever the 'deal' is. End of.

of course you are jeopardising his life if he has a life-threatening condition and you're not telling people about it. It won't be brilliant for him, either, if you are with him 24/7 if you don't have to be - by telling other people what to do if an incident should arise. You may understand where the OP is coming from but there is no excuse for not telling people of his condition and informing them what to do if something happens. no excuse

My son has an invisible medical condition so wears a medic alert bracelet and either he or we tell most people we meet about it. Our view is that the more people who know about the condition the better as they can all look out for him. Also it stops any chance of him becoming ashamed of his condition which your child may well become.

What would happen if he dies and the people who were looking after him find out you didn't tell them he had a condition, they find out it would have been simple to avert his death but you didn't tell them what to do . I'd sue you for negligence - not that that would bring the child back or go any way to mitigating the horror of a child dying in your care when it was preventable .

or what if there is an incident and vital time is lost and he is somehow brought back but is disabled as a result of you not telling the person who was looking after him what to do? How would you explain to him that, sorry son, I just didn't want to tell people about it and now you have a lifetime disability because of it.

spingy I have never left him with anyone who is not aware of his condition, but I have thought about who I should tell in the future and how to approach it. I have never jeopardised his life and I really don't need to answer to you.

The definition of rare is totally subjective. Compared to many conditions it is rare, and indeed doctors themselves tell me that for the number of times this has ever happened to him, that it is rare.

You haven't answered my question about where you think I should draw the line though. I can tell people about his condition but do you then think I should be instructing them as to how to do CPR ()?

I'm genuinely curious as to peoples thoughts and reactions if I were to tell them about this condition. Who would be happy for me to leave my child with them?

I don't understand why you are ranting at me springy .

Because I am enraged at your level of denial veryvery and your justification of it. fine if you want to do it to yourself - not tell people about your life-threatening illness - fine, your choice; but to not tell people about your child's life-threatening illness so they are prepared: words fail me.

Yes, you tell me people what it is and what to do - in detail, exactly what to do. If you can't face telling people then you'll have to be with him 24/7. Which won't be great for him if it is unnecessary. Put yourself out there and risk it. It's a small price to pay - if people refuse then you have to live with that but at least your child will have the best chance of staying alive.

YABU. You have to tell them. You don't want him treated differently - but this isn't about that. You don't know what is going to happen at the party and you have stated that it can happen if he gets a sudden fright. Parties are full of loud noises and things that could cause this. It may be a remote risk but it is still a risk and as such you and the person running the party should be prepared.

I face this situation, in the reverse, every week. I run a Guide unit (okay, 10-14 so different age group) but I need to know about such medical conditions so that I can ensure that girl is appropriately looked after in the event of an emergency. They are not treated any differently, but knowing means my team have a process to follow if it occurs, we know who to ring and in what order and we know what (if any) drugs to administer. Without that knowledge and preparation the wrong action may be taken.

You cannot wrap him in cotton wool, though, you will not always be there to look after him, however enabling others to see the signs or respond appropriately is all part of allowing him a normal life and to be treated the same as everyone else ifyswim.

Where should you draw the line? I think a medi aid bracket is a good idea. Anyone you leave him with without you should be told without question. I can't understand why you would consider the risk that he would lose out on play dates as being worth risking him having a fit and the adults he was with not knowing what to do. That's bizarre.

At my DD'S 5th birthday party all the other parents stayed, I'm quite surprised anyone would leave a 3yo at a party especially one with a medical condition.

I am surprised someone is asking for 3 year olds to be left alone at a party. It is usually later in Y1 or from Y2 at my DSs school that they are left at parties. If it is play area parties one or two of us still usually stay on behalf of 5/6 children to keep an eye on things as they can get out of hand and a bit dangerous if not private hire.

At 3 I only ever left mine in proper childcare ie pre-school or nursery or one to one with family.

With that in mind you don't need to tell them as you have said you will be staying - I definitely think that is the right thing to do and I suspect the other parents will be glad someone is staying!

It's actually not considered a life-threatening illness springy and believe me I most certainly am not in denial. In fact I am the one being told by the medics after the last episode that I need to take a chill pill and realise what a rare event it is etc etc. I do actually understand his condition - you don't.

It's awful to feel constantly anxious about letting your child out of your sight, but you can't wrap them up in cotton wool.

Parents who have a child with the same condition will I think understand what I am saying and understand my concerns about just how far you go when thinking about leaving your child with someone else. I'm actually told that I am being overprotective and overthinking all the what-ifs. But feel free to continue your rant at me :).

of course it's a life-threatening illness if you had to administer CPR to get him out of the last episode.

wrapping them up in cotton wool -v- ignoring their illness are two extremes I would say. I didn't wrap my boy in cotton wool, I just told people about his condition. Matter-of-factly. Which was how it was received. Not one person minded or refused.

fucking hell springy, leave off!

veryvery, apologies if I'm putting words in your mouth, but I read your posts as "my DC has a medical condition and, although he is still little and everyone who looks after him knows about it and what to do, I'm wondering how to handle this as he gets older".

So no jeopardising of life, springy....

Actually I do understand where you are coming from. I don't want to tell all and sundry that ds1 was in intensive care at 3 days old or that he wet the bed at 10 years old. And I didn't tell these things to friends parents, although I did mention the bed wetting on overnight cub camp. So I think its on a need to know basis, but unfortunately here they do need to know. I'm not sure you need to stay with him though, as that would be treating him differently. What do you do differently if he does pass out - just communicate that and the fact it is very unlikely to happen.