to leave my 3 year old at a party and not inform the parents of his heart condition?

[EurekasMa]

DS (3) goes to more parties than I do. One of either DH or I have always gone with him (as you do with little ones) and so this has not come up before.

He has a heart condition (not structural) and it is well controlled with meds. The cardiologist said that he should live life as a normal child and he does not get any special treatment from us. He occasionally passes out quite dramatically if he gets a big fright or falls (as in people jump back and gasp and act like it might be catching rather than helping or holding him). Few people other than close friends know about it.

He has been invited to a party this weekend and the deal is to drop the children off. I vaguely know the Mum (from pre-school) and we have swopped deatils. I am reluctant to mention his condition as A) it will worry the other Mum when the chances of anything happening are teeny and B) I don't want DS to be seen as different.

Would it be really dodgy to fail to mention it?

Well, I wouldn't leave a 3 year old at a party - I probably wont til DS is about 7/8 but there are reasons for there.

However - depending on how likely it is to happen, I don't think you need to tell the other parents about his heart condition, ie, is there a .01% chance of something happening or a 10% chance of something happening.

I can see why you dont want him to be seen as "different" for the rest of his school days, especially as his consultant has told you he can lead a normal life.

Perhaps I may say, he has occassional fainting fits, but they are nothing to worry about - but thats the most I would disclose.

Yabu

I wouldn't have left Ds at 3 anyway (are the hosts mad or just masochists? ) but if you do decide to leave him, you absolutely MUST tell the parents concerned. As someone else said, he doesn't have to be defined by this, but you must make his safety your first priority, social appearances well down the list.

And I would tell them in advance, like a call the day before, please don't turn up, mention it and then toddle off with a cheery backward wave. If I was hosting a party, trying to deal with a dozen hyper kids getting coats off and running round screaming, and someone was trying to tell me something medical, I would feel totally flustered and stressed!! Not fair.

Could you not stay quietly in the background? Is it in someone house or a party venue?

I find this thread bizarre

I have a child who can drop down at any moment due to a seizure disorder bit I cannot fathom leaving her somewhere where she might not get the medical attention she desperately needed due to me not giving vital information to the carers.

I''ve been around a while but never thought a thread was as reverse as this one.

I'm amazed you're asking. it's obvious what you should do - tell the mum/parents. I'm afraid I spent a small fortune printing up very simple details of ds's heart condition and giving it to whomever wherever he went. I explained it briefly - that the chances of anything happening were tiny, but here's the direct number of his cardiologist should anything happen, this is what you should look out for, call me/cardiologist if in doubt. for goodness sake woman, wishing he didn't have it isn't going to make it go away!

speaking in the past tense because now he's grown and it's up to him to tell people. do I worry? yes

As someone who recently found themselves looking after a whhezy asthmatic child who was dropped at a party with no warning and no inhaler YABVU.

In my case there were enough doctors present to staff a small children's hospital at the weekend but without the inhaler we were impotent to act.

None of us would have worried about being left with an asthmatic kid. We were all cross about being left with one with no drugs!

To be fair the op has accepted she was being unreasonable and can understand why if the invite was drop and run she thought this was normal. I also understand the wishing it to go away/pretending it's not there as a way of coping. I'm guessing with such a condition it's hard to find a balance between wrapping him up in cotton wool or treating him as normal and having living with the risk of something happening. Just cos the cardiologist encourages you to treat him as normal doesn't mean it's simple to find that balance. I'm wondering if you feel like you are struggling with the diagnosis whether there is someone you can talk to at the hospital. Good luck.

My 18 mth DS has a rare heart condition. It's not something I could try to keep quiet as where he goes, so does a defibrillator. Yep, I'm that Mum who has a very odd looking handbag.... I would want anyone who is looking after him to have an idea of what to do if necessary, so this would mean them knowing about his condition, what may be likely to need to do and who to contact (really liking the idea above from Springyhope - might have to steal that!).
I do however, understand what you mean by wanting him to be 'normal'. We are in Australia and we belong to an organisation called HeartKids. They do a lot, not only to support our cardiology dept (for example they paid travel for our cardiologist to attend a conference in Europe, he came back and updated us on the recent knowledge of my DSs condition. This was great news for us as we were originally given a prognosis of probably losing him by two years old. They now think that if a child gets through the first year with the operation and medication my DS is on, then it's looking more positive), they give support to families when in hospital, and organise peer support for parents, family events and events for the kids.
We are hoping that as he grows up DS will get a lot out of being with other HeartKids. He will have a group of friends where scars are normal, taking medicine is normal and not playing full on contact sports is normal. We know from talking to parents of older children how much their kids look forward to family camp (it was awesome, even if DS was too young this year to do many of the activities apart from run around, be very happy and make almost everyone who was there fall in love with him!), teen camp, Christmas parties etc. Is there a similar organisation for you?
I don't want my son to have his condition. There's no cure, we can just manage it and hope for the best. I want him to not be mollycoddled, and to be seen as normal, but the fact remains that it's not normal (unless there's a real pfb case going on!) to go places with a defibrillator or to pass out dramatically. We have to tell people what to do, or to explain why we can't 'drop and run'. I get upset every so often that other people don't have to consider what we do. I want to be a normal Mum too. But I'm not, I'm a HeartKid Mum.

My DD has a very minor heart condition which could mean breathlessness, fainting, tiredness and/or listlessness.

Everyone who ever has responsibility for her knows about these possible problems, although she doesn't. She is too much of a drama Queen and would play on it of she knew all this.

The adults looking after her need to know though and it is my responsibility to tell them

I really do not understand how you could even think of not telling adults responsible for your childs care about his condition. YABVVVU

I honestly thought that halfway through, the OP would come back and say something along the lines of 'that's what happened to me at my DS party'
Fortunately, she has agreed she is BU and the matter is resolved.

Ah Rip you thought it was a reverse AIBU!

No, it seems to be a rarer still one, where the OP listens to the advice given and changes their stance.

refreshing isn't it?

As someone who recently found themselves looking after a whhezy asthmatic child who was dropped at a party with no warning and no inhaler YABVU.

I had a child dropped off at a 5 yr old party with D n V she pooped and threw up 3 times I said to her did you eat something you didn't like NO my mummy said once I went to the party I would feel better I couldn't get the mum on the phone either, I was raging but gritted my teeth as her gran came to pick her up,

I know it is hard when you have a child who is different: I have two who can collapse suddenly and be unable to walk with no notice. The problem is that if you go down the route of trying to keep it secret for fear of being different, you are setting the child up for a lifetime of being ashamed and embarrassed, because you are essentially telling them that there is something shaming in being different.

The way I see it, dc's only chance of leading a normal life is for all of us to learn to take their condition as naturally as possible. They won't become un-disabled by my pretending their condition isn't there, but they will be able to lead an independent life if they learn how to get support from other people, and I have to lead by example here.

Dc both had a paediatrician who wanted them never to be allowed to use a wheelchair because "they might think of themselves as disabled". The thought that occurred to me (and I'm still waiting for a chance to tell him) is this:

Supposing you have two little boys with mobility problems (substitute other disability/health problems as required). The class makes a trip to the zoo which involves more walking than they can handle. One little boy goes in his wheelchair (substitute other aid/support as required) and has a lovely time with his mates. The other little boy doesn't want to look different so he stays at home and pretends it's because he hates giraffes. Which of these two little boys is disabled by his condition?

Well done OP. I fully understand you wanting him to be just a normal little boy. I hope you both have a lovely time at the party.

YABVU and unfair on the party organisers.

Also 3 is really young to be left. DD is 5 and I just leave her at parties where I know the parents v well.

I think you need to explain the condition AND offer to stay
You can't assume she will be happy taking rsponsibility for your son

My DD (6) has type 1 diabetes and is at the age where a drop and run is usually expected, I just have a word with the parents and no one has had a problem with me staying and hiding in the corner.

I know what you mean about wanting normality for our kids though, I really have to hold myself back from wrapping her up in cotton wool, I know it's different from a heart condition but it's horrible having to make her sit things out if she's had a hypo and watching her friends bounce about the place :(

I have a child with an issue albeit it very minor.

and to be honest I dont want to explain everything to passing aquantancies.

depending on the condition (and only you really know this) I would do as someone else said and say he is prone to fainting and what to do if this happened.

But at 3 ? Nope. Not a chance.

With asthmatic DC - do you leave the inhaler and spacer with parents? Or do you give it to the DC to have just in case?

I haven't had to leave DS yet - It doesn't start till 6 years at earliest here usually and there are times with our 7 year old with 8 year old call mates that we still stop. If you leave them here it with a mobile number as well as standard even for 7/8 year olds.

He is not bad - very rarely need a blue inhaler - but if he did I wouldn't want him not to have it. I?m just wondering what is ?normal?.

DD2 faints most days, and the hardest thing I've had to do is let her be independent. But even at age 14, I don't let her go places without someone being around who knows what's going on.

Plus we've had to structure our lives so that either me or DH is "on call" and can drop what we're doing if there's a problem. So for example today, I'm getting my hair cut this morning, so DD knows that the school need to ring DH if she needs to come home quite likely as she fainted three times before setting off for school, but to rig me after lunch. But, it's part of getting her to deal with her condition herself, to judge what she can and can't do, and to make sure that the people round about her know what might happen, and what to do if it does (i.e. don't panic and fluster and get right in her face when she comes round, and teachers, read the bloody care plan!). She's ill, we have to get on with it, she has to get on with it, but that does mean telling people personal stuff.

Cory, you didn't have your "wheelchairs make you disabled" discussion at GOSH, did you? Seems to be a prevalent attitude in certain departments there so I've heard.