to find a friend's DH's evangelical bleatings about BF irritating

[babysaurus]

deep breath

I FF and have done since my DS, now 5 months, was a month old. I tried BF and developed incredibly painful mastitis followed by thrush of the nipples (thought it would be itchy but it's actually like stabbing pains.) I had to express every three hours with a hospital pump and bottle feed it to my DS, which was totally knackering. Eventually, decided I didn't want to waste any more emotional and physical energy on it (I did beat myself up about it for quite a while) and made the decision to switch totally over to Aptamil and be able to concentrate properly on enjoying my baby.

My friend BF's her baby, now 1, and can sometimes come across a bit smug about it ('the benefits for my baby are so important that I wouldn't give up, his health is more important than mine') but her DH, who is otherwise lovely, is positively evangelical about the benefits 'for everyone' (to the point that, when my DS had a slightly sore eye he suggested his DW squirted breastmilk into it as 'at least that has some antibodies.') This kind of comment has come up quite a few times and his DW told me that when she bought some formula because she wanted to have a drink on their wedding anniversary his reaction ended up with her pouring it down the sink. He has also just posted http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/oct/18/increase-breastfeeding-nhs-savings-unicef link on Facebook, and has posted similar types of links in the past.

So, eeek, AIBU to find all this rather judgey and irritating...? Especially from someone who, as a man, couldn't ever experience breastfeeding (both the good and bad bits.)

jam

good to feel proud of yourself. Not so good to assume others' motivations

OP - this will all feel so insignificant in a few years time. The DH probably means well, but yes, he sounds like a twat.

I've heard the thing about breastmilk and conjunctivitis before. Can't remember where

I think the OP felt the need to justify her decision because of charmers like jam if you're in pain, your body is telling you to go easy. Pushing through it is not always a smart choice- what d'ya want, a star on your arse?

DD1 was BF exclusively for 8 months until weaning

DD2 had tongue tie discovered after 48 hours. She then lost so much weight in the first week due to not feeding from my breast properly. They said she would be hospitalised if it didnt turn around fast. I spent the next 2 weeks breast feeding every 3 hours from both sides for 20 minutes each..then topping up dd with formula...then expressing with a hospital pump for 30 minutes each side..day and night. THEN dd1 and DH got norovirus...then I got norovirus. I gave up trying to BF at that point, on my fucking knees. I cried about it for approximately 3 months.

so yes, fuck off jam

Jamie
It does actually work really well.

It is still weird to offer it to other people's children though.

oh, spare us from men who see fit to pontificate about natural childbirth, breastfeeding and the benefits of the ProLife movement

fuck

off

yep, men should offer no opinion on breast feeding EVER!

tell him to fuck off an'all

OP you should wind him up by saying "Ooh you men are all the same. Obsessed with boobies!" He'd then launch into an angry tirade and you could giggle and tut and say "Men!" with a big smile on your face, just to wind him up further.

DD never latched on properly. We managed with nipple sheilds for a few months during which I had mastitis 3 times that caused me to have fever/chills/ be out of it/ be VERY ill. I had a bad allergic reaction to the antibiotics for the mastitis and was covered in a rash from head to toe. The pain was so bad in my breasts both superficially (rash, thrush, bad latch) and deeply (mastitis & blocked ducts) that I cried before and during every feed. The antibiotics I then had to be switched to made me vomit.

Then DD started refusing the nipple sheilds and after 24 hours of no feeding and no wet nappies I gave her ebm in a bottle. We went to every support group/ HV/mat support worker. We paid for private lactation consultants & cranial osteopathy. I expressed every three hours day & night with a double hospital grade pump and just made enough for DD. I was v. stressed as I knew if I didn't pump enough out DD would be hungry.

I fell apart and could not look after my baby. I was and still am devastated that I gave up at 5 months, but I could not go on as I was. DD is now 11 months and I am in tears writing this. I still feel like a failure whenever I see someone breastfeeding.

This was not my choice and your post Jam, implying that I could have chosen to persevere but didn't care more about my baby's health than my own discomfort (like you did) makes me, and others like me, feel more shit than we already do.

Sorry for ranting OP. YANBU.

Chunky

jam would think I'm really terrible. I gave up after 4 days. I do not care what others think now. At the time I had PND as a result of feeling such a failure.

As I said before, this will not matter soon. Try not to let yourself get upset about it.

Chunkysmum you are not a failiure, but an utter fucking hero for sticking with it that long.

Hats off to you, you are pretty bloody amazing. I couldn't have done a fraction of that! x

ChunkysMum It sounds like you couldn't have done any more to be honest. I mixed fed one dd for 3 months as it didn't work out and then bf dd2 successfully for 3.5 years. I felt like crap about not succeeding with dd1 at the time (due in part to being a member of a non MNet internet board which had a girl who was a nasty piece of work about ffing to be honest.) They are now 5 and 8 and believe me you honestly will rarely think about not bfing when you see how they turn out bright, happy, lovely, healthy etc anyway.

Jamie-four days is amazing. Four days when you've just given birth and it's all hellishly difficult. Seriously, well done.

thanks molehill . I had a caesarian too ......

Really, the fact that we feel we have to tell our own stories in order to defend ourselves is a bit sad really. We do what we can, with the information and support available to us at the time, in the context of our lives

Chunkysmum Dsis never bf her children a drop, she didn't want to

They are 5&7 healthy happy and unbelievably bright. It really really doesn't matter please don't beat yourself up you went above and beyond just forget it and enjoy your child.

Oh dear lord. I had to formula feed in the hours after DS was born because his blood sugar level was low and I had no milk. I totally beat myself up for it, even although it wasn't my fault. I was trying to get by after an induction, emcs and still no milk, and being worried about DS's blood sugar, so still gave him formula when he was hungry, even when the period for which I still had to be giving him formula had passed. My very pro-BF husband, when I asked him to do a formula feed so I could shower in hospital, said "Oh I don't want to force feed him this shite". I'd been through several losses and IVF and just really, really wanted DS to be ok, before anything else.

I persevered with breastfeeding - it sorted itself out when I was out of hospital, and am still doing it at 5 months. I tore into DH at the time. But it made me really feel very angry about men who assume it will all be very easy. And women - one of my female friends has just posted a link to the same thing and boasts about her baby being EBF for 6 months.

OP, YANBU.

I am a "fed for a hundred years despite having mastitis and having to express for three weeks solid and still having permanent lumps missing from my nipples" bfer but that experience actually made me more sympathetic to other women's stories of having to give up, not less. Perhaps because I am a decent human being when I have had enough sleep.

In my experience it's those who have the easiest time bfing who are most likely to come out with the "you didn't try hard enough" comments. Which makes them arseholes. If you weren't there at 3am with a screaming, frantic baby, experiencing the mother's sick dread, searing agony and utter exhaustion, you have absolutely no right to say whether that was surmountable or not. It's like saying "ah well I didn't need an epidural so nobody should get one". Kindly fuck off.

OP, hide the husband if his comments make you feel bad. He has as much understanding of bfing as he does of menstruating. YANBU to feel frustrated and hurt by his comments, but you can choose not to see them.

I doubt they are actually trying to push it in your face as much as you think. If anyone ever sees me feed DS2, or allude to the fact that he is "still" bf even as vaguely as "no for ne thanks", they tell me their bf story with the lingering guilt and self-justification. Which sucks - if it is the right decision for you then you should feel supported in taking that decision, and you won't feel you have to justify it.

I used to do the whole lengthy story of why i failed to bf when dd was a baby and i felt awful about it. Now I'm quite happy with "it didn't work out."

OP you BF for a whole month. Your baby had all your colostrum and thats great.
You did what you had to do.
Your friends DH can pontificate on the wonders of breast feeding when he has lactating breasts. Until then he can shut the fuck up.
I BF for a year. I was REALLY lucky in that I and ds found it easy, but if I hadn't I would have warmed up the SMA and had done with it.
I am an SMA baby. I am NEVER ill, have always been slim, have the blood pressure of a 20 year old and loverly shiny hair.

Chin up chuck. You are doing great. Congrats on your bundle of lovelyness.

DC1. I was horribly distressed due to my father passing away the day before i gave birth. Instant depression, anxiety and of course grieving. DC was weak and tired and couldn't feed from me due to early birth as a result of the bereavement. I tried anyway every time but baby just couldn't do it. Hospital made me give formula which probably caused nipple confusion as well. So ended up expressing which was extremely time consuming, exhausting and considering my mental state was too much. I carried on for a few months anyway but i was a shell. Baby cried a lot and vomited and was in pain all the time.

DC2 Fed fine at first then became horribly engorged. Like no pain i had ever known. Had over abundant milk supply syndrome i believe although undiagnosed. Couldn't move without crying and looking after my oldest was impossible and couldn't cuddle them. Breasts that even a light tshirt over made me cry and milk pooring down me all the time. Was still struggling mentally because of what happened before my first birth and my oldest was emotionally affected by it all. They needed me to cuddle them and i couldn't because of the pain! So much milk my baby couldn't latch at all and got very distressed. Couldn't commit to expressing due to having a toddler to look after as well. I don't think a lot of people realise that when you express you are expressing then feeding baby then expressing then feeding baby and on and on. Its hard enough to do that (and to get the milk out before baby wakes for a feed!) let alone anything else, like looking after older children or recovering from mental illness! Baby had breast milk for a week and then combination for another two and then formula. I do feel guilty that i couldn't give my second breast milk for long, but you know what, id been through a bloody difficult time and there is only so much one person can do. Baby also vomited all the time.

So both my children had reflux and dairy issues and vomited all the time. Cleaning up the sick alone was a full time job! It was like having two people in the house with constant stomach bugs. You know what that's like! . . . All. The. Time.

Im not interested in the opinions of people who think they can assess my pain and my situation and tell me what i should be able to cope with, and if i can't, well i must have decided my baby wasn't worth it! A disgusting thing to suggest!

And yes i do have issues about my choices and what i could manage and my situation, but i still don't want to hear shit from people who haven't a clue.

(Try dealing with all that whilst having a massive panic attack which just went on and on and never ever stopped. My heart aches when i think back.)

YANBU at all

Oh, and I stopped BF ing when ds still wanted to. Because I quite wanted my tits back. So sue me

Jam my obsession with carrying with bf at the expense of my own physical and mental health for 10 months was a martyrdom too far. Your post reminds me of exactly why I will steer clear of anyone purporting such a view this time around.

And, your smugness of your experience is based on your singular me myself and I experience. Your experience of bf is mot the same as mine or anyone else's. Or, should you have further children, you might find yourself in the same predicament as op..

Oh, and op you are most definitely NBU - so what if you're sensitive, good friends are meant to aware of their friends feelings...

He can have an opinion on BFing. As long as you are allowed to bite him so hard on the nipples you draw blood every time you see him.

I was the woman who, when the nurse saw my nipples, she did that indrawn whistling breath that mechanics do when your car is fucked. I very nearly gave up (got lots of help from MN, thank goodness).

it is totally acceptable to be proud of yourself for bf for any lenght of time if you personally feel its something to be proud of.

it is not ok to be a twat and asume you know the extent of any issues another woman who wanted to bf long term but couldnt experanced.