to find a friend's DH's evangelical bleatings about BF irritating

[babysaurus]

deep breath

I FF and have done since my DS, now 5 months, was a month old. I tried BF and developed incredibly painful mastitis followed by thrush of the nipples (thought it would be itchy but it's actually like stabbing pains.) I had to express every three hours with a hospital pump and bottle feed it to my DS, which was totally knackering. Eventually, decided I didn't want to waste any more emotional and physical energy on it (I did beat myself up about it for quite a while) and made the decision to switch totally over to Aptamil and be able to concentrate properly on enjoying my baby.

My friend BF's her baby, now 1, and can sometimes come across a bit smug about it ('the benefits for my baby are so important that I wouldn't give up, his health is more important than mine') but her DH, who is otherwise lovely, is positively evangelical about the benefits 'for everyone' (to the point that, when my DS had a slightly sore eye he suggested his DW squirted breastmilk into it as 'at least that has some antibodies.') This kind of comment has come up quite a few times and his DW told me that when she bought some formula because she wanted to have a drink on their wedding anniversary his reaction ended up with her pouring it down the sink. He has also just posted http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/oct/18/increase-breastfeeding-nhs-savings-unicef link on Facebook, and has posted similar types of links in the past.

So, eeek, AIBU to find all this rather judgey and irritating...? Especially from someone who, as a man, couldn't ever experience breastfeeding (both the good and bad bits.)

How exactly do people experience the level of other people's pain, and work out the level of sleep deprivation others had reached, coupled with their other commitments, level of expectation and a million other factors that come into it and decide that if they had been in that woman's body, with that woman's baby and that woman's circumstances that hey would not have stopped breast feeding? It's quite a skill to have reached the level of empathy that allows someone to post the nonsense about someone "just deciding the pain wasn't worth it". Beggars belief. I have breastfeed three babies. My body, with those babies, at those times could do it. How on god's green earth would I know if I'd have been able to do it in even slightly different circumstances? That's what makes me unable to be a militant breast feeder.

Your friend's H sounds incredibly PFB, humourless, and tone deaf. Also controlling - wtf was that about pouring formula down the sink? So YANBU, he would irritate me and I breastfeed.

Your friend on the other hand - probably doesn't realise she's coming across as smug? When something's part of your life in a big way at any point in time, you tend to talk about it lots. I find myself referring to breastfeeding quite frequently in conversations and it sometimes hits me that I'm being a bore. However, I'd never say anything like 'the health benefits for my baby are so important' etc. etc. That is annoying.

He is a knob, sad thing is my oh was very much like this :(

Made the first 4mo of my daughters life miserable.

Shriiieek, 'twas easy.....from across the next room via webcam.

Poor chap sounds like he needs a life hobby, perhaps him and Jam could take an art class together?

You did your best and your baby is healthy, that's what matters. :)

I would stay away from him when they start potty training though, I'm sure he will turn out to be an expert in that too.

YANBU - what a knobhead.

I bet he goes around saying ' we are breastfeeding', like DH's mate. I always find it a bit strange when blokes bang on about breastfeeding. Yes yes I know it is good that the man gets involved in these things, but until you experience the pain of a small human chomping on you and you have to walk around with soaking breastpads covering your chewed up, bleeding nipples, which are attached to enormously engorged bazookas that you are scared to even touch let alone hang a baby off of, then you can shut the fuck up about anything to do with breastfeeding!

we didnt really get the hang of breastfeeding!

YANBU, but I think the only thing you can do is make sure you have a selection of come-backs to hand for when he starts off on one.

For example "I was disappointed I had to switch to FF, but it's wonderful what a strong bond my DH and DS have because of it. I feel so sorry for men who haven't been able to experience feeding their child....."

Yes, Molehill, I really agree.

Some fantastic view points here!

As i say, it's hard when he is great in all other ways (he is DS's godfather for starters!) and, generally, it's his DW who 'wears the trousers' so to speak (she is certainly no martyr!) But, he has 'a thing' about BFvs FF and is very much on the BF camp, but, in my opinion, not really in a position to be able to either judge or comment.

Babysaurus, I don't think so. Not if you had an ounce of sensitivity which jam obviously doesn't (a more sanctimonious post I have not heard on mn for some while). I would think that most people whilst being proud they had overcome those problems would still have loads of sympathy and understanding for those who didn't.

Op, I see where you are coming from and I don't think yabu. But you may also be a little over sensitive. I remember feeling the same with dd1.

It is always much easier for men to be evangelical about breastfeeding for the simple reason they don't have to do it. Mine was the same until I actually stopped and then he became pro-formula quite quickly. Don't understand women who are like this though - for women it comes across to me that they are lacking in self-esteem and looking for something to hang their hat on.

I think I should be able to feel proud and tell others how proud I am that I overcame my own discomfort for the sake of my DS's health.

I really hope you don't go round telling others that jam because you'll be coming across as unbelievably smug if you do.

OP, YANBU, I am v pro bfing, but I agree your friends DH sounds v v annoying. It's great that it's working for them, but like anything to do with kids/parenting, you never know what's around the corner to bite you on the arse, like a DC2 that bf'ing just doesn't work with, for example.

Like you, I had excruciating thrush with DS1 and had to express too, so we never got into a good rhythm. I lasted 5 months too. But just so you know - with DS2 it all worked much better.

Babysaurus, I breastfeed for 9 months and loved it, but I don't feel smug. I think smugness goes hand in hand with competitive parenting and insecurity.

I'm not insecure in my parenting so no smugness from me!! It really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. I was breastfeed for a year, I have asthma, allergies and used to have eczema. Tell me, out of all of your friends can you tell the difference between those breastfeed and those formula fed? Because I can't!!

I have 3 Dcs and did a mixture of bf and ff depending on child and ease of feeding. With dc1, postnatal depression,bleeding nipples and the agony of mastitis ff was a godsend.dc2 bf happily. dc3 was bf briefly then onto ff when I went back to work. Your friends DH sounds a right twat - do they have a pfb? If anyone had tried to rub their breast milk onto any of my kids I would not have been amused! For what its worth, dc2 breast fed longest and has had the most illnesses, plus broken arm and severely fractured ankle. Has had the worst health record of all 3 dcs

I am stocking up on some witty come backs, stolen from yourselves, as we speak!

I think that those who have never had a problem with it, or whose partners have never had a problem with it, just don't get how horrid it can be. And if formula really was the utter shite some would lead us to think it is, I probably would have tried harder despite all the negatives. But, as it is, I didn't have to and my DS is absolutely lovely and healthy! (And, bit catty but... the friend's in question's DS currently is 'full of snot with a rattling chest', I resisted the urge to say anything...)

YANBU

And as many MNs know, I'm evangelical about extended BFing, if you want to and your baby wants to.

However, no man can ever know the agony that is feeding with cracked nipples and the hell that is mastitis.

He is a TWAT

OP, I do disagree with you though saying that because he's a man, he shouldn't be able to comment on bfing. Just because he can't do it himself, doesn't mean he can't have an opinion on it. It's his DC too after all. I couldn't have bf'd either of my two without the support of my DH in the early days, really. OTOH, one of my friends was actively encouraged to stop by her DH, then she really regretted it.

FF dd1 am bf DD2 can see no visible difference other than DD2 hates to sleep and my boobs look fab.

So I'm through the other side and no op I feel in no way "smug" it's just a way of conveying food into your child until they are old enough to feed themselves word it's and fruit shoot

He's a bit annoying - but you should laughat him rely (squirting bm? Wtf, I wouldn't do that to my own dd )

Jam is a twat

HTH

Pudgy I said similar about being able to tell the difference between FF babies and BF earlier in the post, and I agree.

If we had a DC2 I would not hesitate to try again but, unlike last time, I think I would try not to get as wound up if it didn't work. I do feel as if trying to BF tainted the early weeks, well that and the associated problems (I also hated the engorgement feeling and my nipples bled and scabbed, both of which paled into comparison with the mastitis and thrush I subsequently developed.) It would be great if if it, but not the end of the world if it didn't. Plus, i think I would start to mix feed reasonably early so DH could get more involved and take a bit of the pressure off me.

*wotsits not word it

really not rely

Bf fucks with your typing

Oh and YABU to start the post with an explanation of why you didn't bf, why do women feel the need to excuse themselves and their choices?! It smacks of insecurity, it was the right choice for you at that time.

I FF DD1 because it was right

I BF DD2 because it was right

I'm going to be massively cynical and say that, of course, BFing has massive benefits for your friend's DH.
It allows him feel superior and pat himself on the back, while neatly giving him an excuse not to have to do any of the tough parenting stuff (like getting up every couple of hours all night, every night).

My oh was the same mummyonvalium, they don't understand how draining it is! I felt so guilty as I knew I wasnt giving dd enough as she wants gaining weight oh didn't see my point of view.

I think it's lovely he's so rightly supportive of his wife, wants the best for his kid and feels so passionately about BF which has so many health benefits. He probably doesn't mean to rub you up the wrong way but just does with his over enthusiasm and lack of understanding about your BF difficulties. Just say you don't want to discuss BF - it's obviously quite a tender issue for both of you. I expect that you are extra sensitive about giving up and using formula when you were so desperate to BF. I can remember that desperation and the knife like BF pain myself.

YANBU. Don't have time to read the other replies, but it sounds like you gave bf your best shot and who the hell is going to let someone else squirt bm into their baby's eye? Well I suppose if someone is happy with it then fine, but it's a bit much to suggest it. The dh sounds insufferable and obviously will have no idea how tough bf can be. He does sound judgy and irritating.