I feel like i dislike my dd, help

[sprout44]

This thread will come across very bad but its a long story. I have 3 dds the two youngest are pretty normal kids, reasonabley well behaved and loving. Then they is my oldest, who is now 13 but she has always been so difficult, so strong willed, never doing what she is told to do, always testing the boundaries . In the past i tried everything bold step, magic 123 etc i even got her tested for ADD and brought her to a Homeopath but no results.
She is good at school no problems with her teachers and one of the most popular girls in her class, loved by her friends. At home she is just a little,,w..gon I am always fighting with her, she never lets up, fighting with her sisters, also mean spirited. I find her very selfish and mean to them and us. Of course now i am fed up asking her to improve, i am pulling back any affection for her but im sire she notices but still makes no effort.
I know and i dont blame anyone who feels i am the adult here and should improve, but its so hard to have to listen to all the shouting and tantrums, i resent her for all the trouble she causes in the family. It is much calmer and happier when she is not here . I have now given up of expecting any improvements.
I know you cannot change someone but something has to improve, or i dont want to be responisble for ruining her teenage years.

Can you find time to spend quality one on one time with her on a regular basis? I would have thought that more love, not less would improve the situation.

Sounds like maybe you need further professional help here? If she is working very hard at keeping emotions under control at school and being good it may be that her behaviour at home is her release from this stress. Is it worse if there has been a particularly difficult day in school or a change in routine? I would suggest going back to the GP and asking for a developmental paed to review with you and/or maybe talking to school more who may be happily turning a blind eye to any struggles she has there because she is not causing any obvious problems for them to have to deal with. Perhaps an educational psychologist could be involved if the school have any concerns at all?

Some of this is normal. It's difficult though, I know, I have been there with a difficult dd.

What does she say about it all?

You need to clear your diary, dump the littlies on dh or whoever and spend a quality weekend with her, a spar time, shopping weekend, makeover, she's 13 so would love it and actually talk to her. If you can't afford it then borrow, your relationship is on the cusp here.

You are her mom, that's the deal, it's your problem to solve not hers to deal with.

My best guess is she's jealous of younger siblings and maybe you expect too much of her, 13 is a mad age....

I was that difficult DD. My DM didn't give up and we absolutely love each other now. Sometimes all the arguing and misery is because you are a safe person and home is a safe place. People don't argue with people whose opinion they don't give a shit about.

Thanks for all your replies, i wrote that thread yesterday full of anger myself, i had brought her to school early to suit her and she abused me in the car. She has never been affectionate with us. I think she is just not the child i wanted i dont like the way she is , the other two are more likeable. I know that sounds wrong, i love her but do not like her so much. A few years ago i would not have written this and i was still trying with her, now i feel so depleated but it has gotton much worse. I know i cannot give up on her but every day we both fall back on our bad ways with each other. Dh is much easier on her but still has spend many a night so upset with her and he ofton takes his bad mood out of me, grumpy etc. The problem is its just impossible to talk to her, she will only get into an argument, she will not listen and make any effot to change. I did take her out shopping a few weeks ago on her own and she was fine with me. Another thing is she is never happy no matter what you buy her, she is hard to please, if i buy her something she does not like it or appreciate it. I love taking out the other two as they are just happy to be with me.
Our bad habits are hard to break, its hard to expect her to change her ways when i find it hard too.
I feel a bit stronger with her now, i needed to vent yesterday so i will keep on trying. We are not in our home country at the moment so when we go home next year i will get her to go to a counceller to talk to.

OP you say you are not in your home country. Could it be that you have different cultural expectations to DD ? .
She presumably has been brought up in the Uk. How does DD feel about leaving the Uk ?
I was 13 when I left the country i'd grown up in to return "home" and it was very hard for me to leave the only life I knew and all my friends behind.

DD can't be happy if she's this vile to all of you. It will only get worse as she becomes a teen. Can you try to praise her every time she does something even a little bit kind or decent ? Praise is far more effective in changing behavour than criticism. Try to believe in her and her and see the good in her. You say she's successful and popular at school so maybe tell her how proud you are about how good a friend she is, or how well she studies.
I think you and DD need to go to counselling together to sort out your relationship. I'd try to sort it out sooner than next year. Ultimately she needs to feel loved and approved of by you if she is to grown into an adult who can love and approve of herself.

sprout as a mother of a horrendously awkward girl I feel your pain. I often get the silent, sulky, huffy treatment (this is the one that pushes my buttons). I find it very upsetting as my DD2 is very easygoing. I have come to the conclusion that it is hormones, she says herself that she cannot help the way she acts sometimes, that she doesn't know why some days she feels so grumpy.

I have no practical advice, please try and stick with it. Just wanted to say you are not alone!!!

She sounds a lot like my sister. My parents just ignored her behaviour and she made my life and my younger sister's life hell. We now hate her and don't talk to her at all. She still lives at home where she still treats my parents like shit. And you know what, they deserve it. I hope they suffer every bit of what me and my sister suffered when they didn't bother to protect us from her.

Harsh but true.

I moved countries at 11 and 14. I was very confident and made friends easily and it was hell for me. Six months either side of every move is rough.

I also think that sometimes the wrong kids get into families. Mouthy, strong, opinionated would work well in my family. It sounds like nice, sweet and amenable works in yours. It is all about new habits.

Hi again,
We moved here to Belgium when she was 9 and she has adored living here from day one and now of course does not want to go home next year, that will be another battle. Straight away she made new friends, much better than her sisters. Despite all the problems at home, she will grow up to be a very strong indepdant woman. Its funny what you said Mrs T.P, about getting the wrong kid, we do not cope well with these outbursts and tantrums. It has become worse but she was always so difficult, i could never do anything, she would cause a fight. We do praise her for her school work etc but its best to leave her alone when she is being quite. Bascially when all is ok for her she is fine but can destroy a day if she is a bad mood. In particular on holidays this year i could have killed her, she just ruined it for all of us.

CailinDana, we actually seem to always protect the other kids, she is not terrible to them all the time, just jelous and mean spirited.
I talked to a councelller here and she would only take us a family, until next year. I do feel if she had someone outside the family to talk to, it would help her.
I have taken her out on her own a few Saturday and she is good with me but then i get cross that i go to the effort once again and she abuses me all over that evening. I do not really want to be in her company.
I will just keep on trying with her, maybe someday she will listen to me. I do take some much of the back cheek and name calling personally.

I've used a really good book called Calmer Happier Easier Parenting by Noel Janis-Norton. It caters for all ages including teens, and is worth a try. It's easily available on Amazon.

I hope you can work something out. It sounds grim, and you have my sympathies.

YABU. The OP sounds just like my DM describing me (the eldest of 3 girls) except she was wrong, I wasn't mean-spirited nor selfish but she chose to view me that way whilst completely ignoring these tendencies in my younger sibs who milked my DM's dislike of me for all they could get. The youngest one is particularly nasty but seen in such an angelic light it's laughable - anyway reap what you sew - us 'girls' are all around 50 now and guess what, I definitely keep my distance from the whole gaggle of these self-centred smug wimmin...and of course this is viewed as me being 'difficult'. I'm just pleased I'm different from them. Maybe you should go see a councillor alone to try and discover why you dislike her so much as you obviously have for a long time (before teen stuff) and she obviously knows it so why should she try and be 'a good child' for you.

Is this my dd you are talking about. She is just turning 13. Loved by all at school. Friends on the doorstep every 5 minutes. Teachers think she is fab etc etc.
At home with us- nightmare. Quite rude. Rude to her younger sister.
I just think its hormones and being a teen. I tell her off when she steps over the mark of rudeness but I'm trying to be patient and make sure I keep communicating with her because I just feel when she comes out the other side of this she will want to know I supported her. ( I think I see the teen thing as an illness!)

'How to Talk so Teens Will Listen and How to Listen so Teens Will Talk' .

It is never too late to reset a relationship with a child.

she is not terrible to them all the time, just jelous and mean spirited.

And you can't see why?

DD1 does not need changing, you keep talking about changing her but she is doing well in school and is popular. She is not on drugs and into crime.

Then she gets home to a mother who doesn't like her (and that btw is fine, you do not have to like your children, they do not have to like you) and two younger siblings who seem perfect.

Why should she be greatful when you buy her something? Is it something she wanted?

Sorry you can probably tell I was a lot like you DD1.

I was never, and never will be the daughter my parents wanted. My mother still tries to turn me into that daughter though.

She has her own (strong willed) personality, she is an individual. Start treating her like one.

She sounds like me when I was that age. I think my behavior stemmed from some self esteem issues including feeling that my parents preferred one of my brothers over me. So my behavior would get worse and worse and I was too young to think through the fact that the attention I got from it made them like me even less and it was a vicious cycle...

I would not have changed even though I knew I was behaving badly. I would have talked to someone outside the immediate family (aunt? Family friend?) but I wouldn't have actively made changes myself at that age. What would probably have helped would be if my parents had tapped into what I really liked to do and respected the person I was. In some ways I was not the person they wanted to raise. To give a silly example, I was a private person whereas they preferred a very open family situation so I really hated it when my mum went into my bedroom and also opened my post or my dad banged on the door when I was in the bathroom! And if I didn't want to go swimming because it was cold this should have been ok rather than wimpy!!

She no doubt realizes that you don't like her sometimes. But also are there any rules or family practices that are forced on her that she doesn't like that could change?

What does she really like to do? At this age she may cringe at one on one time with you (or she may not) but can you make some opportunities for her to do her things and respect these? Maybe just reading a magazine quietly without being bothered by siblings?

Hope things calm down and good luck x

I feel really sorry for your DD.

You are the problem here. Not her. If she has no problems at school then the problem is at home in the environment which you provide.

A child needs your love the most when they are the least lovable. I suggest you start acting like a mother instead of complaining about the difficulties your 13 year old is facing.

Have you ever thought about how hard puberty can be for girls? Her body and her hormones are changing and at a time where she is most vulnerable you are withdrawing from her. What message is she getting from that? That she is unlovable.

Oh and the way she treats her siblings is a direct reaction to the differences in how you treat her compared to them.

I really cannot stress this enough, this is your issue. Not hers.

IME it is the jealousy of her younger siblings. She sees them getting away with things, she doesn't. She sees the way you favour them (in her eyes anyway). Kids never see the things they get, over another child, only the things they lose out on. They don't see the vicious circle and what was once perceived, is now a reality. You do now treat her differently.

Puberty is also a difficult time.

What worked for us was pulling back and looking at the situation from the childs eyes. Be more affectionate. Ask for cuddles (even if you don't get them). Act affectionate even if you are actually mad and don't feel very affectionate. The acting will then pay off and it will become real, rather than an act. Laugh and joke with her. Again act, if you don't feel like it.

Allow her to do some things that her younger siblings can't. Make sure that she knows this is just because she is getting older and is the oldest (and don't cave in and let the younger ones do it too - even if they could). This must be an advantage to being older. Point out though that, one facet to getting older and having more freedom, is also more responsibility, but don't labour the point. Talk to her about her feelings about her siblings. Point out that it might not seem like it but that you do love them all equally. Take her comments seriously and try not to be defensive. Have more of the "how do we move on from here" type conversations.

I also second spending more time with her.

You have got into a pattern of negative behaviour but you can step back and break it. We did. You are the adult and can change things. She has no idea how to, and is probably very unhappy about everything. It's up to you.

Show her much more love - not less. Act until it becomes easy for you. Decide what behaviour is important and go a lot easier on the small stuff - for a while anyway. Ignore the attitude. Just shower her with love and positive attention. If she ruins a good day out. Don't mention the negatives. Just say "it's a pity you didn't enjoy it but I loved the chance to spend time with you."

It's worth the effort. It does work.

This is really sad to read. I think you're stuck in a rut and only you can effect change and you need to make the first steps. I think you need to stop labelling your children - this is the good one, this is the difficult one etc. People are much more complicated than one or two character traits and your DCS are no different. Whatever label you give them becomes self fulfilling and then you're in a vicious circle. This doesn't mean you tolerate terrible behaviour but does mean you need to step back and see behaviour is a two way street.

You mentioned counselling. I think that's a good idea. But for you as well as your DD.

The telling issue here is that she gets on well with teachers and is popular at school. I felt like this - disliked and maligned by my family (too sensitive, too thick, too girlie, a show off, too moody, too difficult, highly strung) yet functioned just fine in the "real world". It caused me a lot of problems for all of 20s and I had a serious identity crisis as just didn't know who or what I was but always felt I was lacking. This is still the case and it's only through much tongue biting that I can spend any time with my siblings or parents. My family still belittle me and my choices and my siblings have followed my parents' lead. Luckily I had a grandparent who made me feel I was just fine and didn't get my heckles up.

I felt my bad / moody / angry behaviour was out of my control and that I was responding to treatment and comments by my family - therefore in turn justifying their treatment of me. In short, I felt their dislike of me and responded accordingly.

Unconditional acceptance has been through my other relationships.

I feel really sorry for your daughter. Having a mother who doesn't like you is horrible.

Also, mathanxiety made an interesting suggestion that it is 'never too late to reset a relationship with a child'... well maybe this is true when the child is still a child. But if you neglect this now, eventually, that point comes when the child is grown up, and simply cuts you out of her life.

Also accept some of the blame. Don't be defensive and don't try to always justify your own behaviour. Yes it may be that your expectations are higher because she is older etc. You can point it out but concentrate on moving forward. Don't blame it all on her.

Say " I can see why you think/feel this... How can we work together so you don't feel this"

I was like your daughter.
I didn't wake up in the morning hating my parents, but I usually went to bed at night hating them, and really, really despising my sibling.
As others have said, it was a very keen awareness that my younger sibling was preferred over me. It just shone out in everything that took place over the course of a day. I went to bed each night feeling worthless.

There was also a disconnect between me and my parents. They chose not to nurture the things I was interested in. This is fine in itself, nobody can expect to be constantly indulged, but I was always being slightly pushed into doing things that made me uncomfortable or vaguely afraid. And then when I did try to talk about something I loved: well, I clearly thought I was 'special'. (My god, I did not, I thought nothing more than 'I like this book, it's something to talk about...')

As a teenager, and frankly as a young adult as well, sometimes the only recourse you have is to attack. You don't have the ability to think it over and behave pleasantly despite being hollowed out by comments about your very self.

I think if you have a child who is quite different to you, you have to approach first of all with extreme tolerance and kindness. She knows she is different and she doesn't know how to get you to like her, she simply doesn't have those tools yet and may not until she's in her late twenties. She is trying so desperately to inspire interest in her but all she can do is attack because nothing else is getting your attention - presumably you don't know how to engage with her life/mind very well because it's 'different' from yours?

I'd also keep an eye out for exactly how her sisters are treating her (and you). My parents could not and would not see the manipulation from my sibling, simply thought I was either lying or trying to get her into trouble. They did wake up in later years to her tricks but that was a long road.