Hi OP, been reading thread with interest as I have two young dds - and wonder what sort of issues may lie ahead! A lot of good advice here, I think - and veritable gave such a good insight from the other perspective. My tuppence worth:
about 6 years ago i went to a counceller myself due to a lot of stress due to when my dm was very ill as i was so down. During the hour i was there i mentioned my dd several times as she wanted to discuss further. At the time it did not sut me to return, i should have, in heinsight. Also i tend to talk to all my friends about my dd, they all know the problems. I will now make a huge effort not to take it all so personal and just move on positively;
Yes - don't take it personally, even though it may push your buttons. She has learned to behave in certain ways with you, because it gets a predictable reaction. If you carry on doing what you do, you will continue to get what you get. The counselling - what struck me is she would have been about 7yrs old when you were stressed and 'so down'. Perhaps she was stressed and down at that time too, because of the situation, and you being preoccupied with dm's illness (not your fault, but you see how it can impact on a 7yo child's behaviour etc). Also I wonder if there was an element of scapegoating there, as you spent the hour talking about dd several times, even though the main issue was presumably your dm's illness - or was it? Perhaps there was some underlying dynamic that the counsellor picked up on.
Please - as others have mentioned - stop talking to all your friends about her as a set of 'problems'. She will know you do this, believe me. And at 13yrs old, she will likely find this hurtful and humiliating, as well as see it as an example of you not respecting her privacy as an individual. If it helps, try to imagine someone talking like this about your younger children, or even you.
It will take some time and some more fall backs but i want it better for her because despite her causing so much trouble, i am more worried about her and how it will all affect her. Life is hard enough without your own family againist you.
I know what you mean, but try not to see it as being 'for' or 'against' you, as it's not helpful. If you want the family dynamic to improve, rather than one person being defeated, then it's not like sides in a team, or winning or losing.
Perhaps she is outwardly 'causing trouble', but what is causing her to cause trouble? One side, one team, and it's a family problem because it affects everyone, and she doesn't exist in a vacuum, she is also reacting to what's around her.
I was always coming from the point of view, why can she just not change and improve and all will be ok, She has told me she does not want to improve for me.
I do not doubt that you care, and want it better for all of you, but you need to see this as a family issue, not just 'her causing so much trouble' - even if on the surface it seems that way. What comes up on the surface is probably the tip of an iceberg - what has gone on underneath, leading up to that point? What about the general atmosphere, the environment - attitudes etc. It's not always about what happened that instant, or that morning, it could be a build-up of many things, said or unsaid. I think you have to work on a change in mindset.
For instance, when I was in my teens, and my Mum kept telling me, I needed to 'change and improve' I would dig my heels in too - even if I knew it was because she said it out of concern for me.
This is because even before anything else, by putting it like that you are already telling her that it's her fault, she is not good enough, she needs to 'improve' as the starting point. This does not make someone want to engage, because by doing so, they have to accept that any changes they make, is because they have not been good enough. This is why she doesn't want to improve 'for you' - it doesn't mean she is happy with the situation, or wouldn't like to find a better way to communicate.
The reason i was so angered the other day was she has hit her middle sister in the tummy so badly and i was so mad at her, again
Obviously doing things like hitting people in the stomach isn't acceptable, but there is a big difference between telling someone that their action of hitting people is not on, and telling them that they themselves are not acceptable as a person.
She is 13yrs old - on the verge of womanhood. To repeat what you said, life is hard enough without your own family against you, can equally apply to her. Everything is about fitting in and being accepted at this age, even if she is too cool to show it. She needs to know what she is worthy and good enough as a person for you, even if she is different to you. If you keep telling her, in a million different ways, she isn't up to your standards, she'll give up too - it's very sad for both of you. Please show her you love her - it may not seem as if she's bothered, but as you can see from other posters, despite the bravado - such hurt carries on into adulthood. She cares too I'm sure. You have to lead the way of change because she is the child.
Perhaps try to get less 'mad at her, again' - and react less angrily/resentfully. It's hard I know. It sounds like you get mad at her a lot - and part of the cycle is she does stuff, and you get mad. Then you complain to your friends, and she acts like she doesn't care. Try practising staying calm, set boundaries for her behaviour, AND boundaries for yours, that don't involve you losing your patience and 'getting mad'. Take a step back.
My dds are quite different in personalities but I find it quite hard to imagine disliking either of them - perhaps it's easy for me to say as neither have hit their teens yet! I've always held the thought that it's a privilege to be their Mum (even though sometimes they can be annoying). For me the joy is seeing what comes out from their personalities, and 'getting to know' them, with their imperfections, quirks and faults, rather than having an idea of a child in my mind and trying to mould them to that idea.
But I don't want to criticise as I've not 'been there' (as a mother of a teen) yet. You are doing something 'right' because she's fine at school, and can relate well to friends etc - it's not like you've completely messed up! Hope you can work it out.