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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell those currently struggling with PND...

95 replies

clemetteattlee · 17/10/2012 21:41

That it will get better.
When my son was a baby I was so desperately unhappy and would repeatedly tell my husband that I wish we had never had him. I found him very challenging and often found myself dragging myself out of bed to respond to him, muttering to myself "why are you so difficult to love?"
When the depression passed I beat myself up constantly that our bond would be affected and he would somehow know that I had felt this way.
Now, at almost five, he is the most loving, demonstrative and happy child and fills my life with joy, kisses and cuddles.

It has been a roller-coaster recovery for me but I think if someone had told me that I wasn't damaging him irrevocably then it would have helped, so I am telling you...

OP posts:
Sunflowergirl2011 · 18/10/2012 19:05

Yanbu. You are sooo right. It's hard to believe at the time but it does get better. Well done on getting through it :)

Original poster
clemetteattlee · 18/10/2012 19:59

Thank you. When I think back I feel like I have conquered a mountain!

OP posts:
Sokmonsta · 18/10/2012 20:14

Thank you x I feel sure it can get better. But right in the depths I need someone who knows x

RatherBeACyborg · 18/10/2012 20:16

Thank you. I'm beginning to feel like I'm coming out of it.

SushiPaws · 18/10/2012 20:26

Yanbu
I was there too, I had so much hate.
Hard to believe it now.
We need to keep talking about it, support each other as I was supported, especially on here.

SmellyFartado · 18/10/2012 20:28

Hi clemetteattlee - completely agree with you and the more stories we share about PND and the fact that this is a perfectly common side effect (for want of a better description) after a birth, the less of a stigma it will become.

PND is horrible - it's a black cloud that you cannot shake, it engulfs you in a way that you cannot imagine and can turn you from an assertive and confident person to a (in my case) completely irrational and agrophobic individual.

I resisted it and denied that I was experiencing PND and put it down to me not coping as a result of lack of sleep/demanding baby but what I went through wasn't just not coping - it was a stain or blemish on me that had I reached out, could have easily been allieviated through antidepressants.

There's no shame whatsoever in saying 'you know what, I'm not coping' and reaching out for some help - whether that's through family/friends or medical help such as asking for antidepressants. Having a baby is an absolutely life changing experience and the pressure to do what you feel or are told is right coupled with lack of sleep/colicky baby/etc can push you to a state of exhaustion or beyond.

The OP is completely right - it does get better, the fog/black cloud will lift. If it is getting too much, talk about it or post here as there'll always be someone to listen. As a previous PND sufferer, sending my very best wishes to anyone reading this or experiencing what I felt. x

PeggyCarter · 18/10/2012 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
clemetteattlee · 18/10/2012 21:18

I thought that only "bad" parents didn't love their babies; I wish I had had somewhere like this to turn to, but I suspect even if I had I wouldn't have said it out loud...

OP posts:
PeggyCarter · 18/10/2012 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeppermintLatte · 18/10/2012 21:45

Yanbu

Great post! It does get better and you end up getting so much love & joy from your child. Life returns to normal, it doesn't last forever, and i really hope those currently dealing with PND get some comfort from the fact that it's just a phase xxx

SmellyFartado · 18/10/2012 21:45

Oh Joyful. It's completely bloody bleak isn't it at times? I also had irrational thoughts about harming myself and my DC as I felt that they were too perfect for the world and I didn't want anyone else touching or harming them.

Thankfuly I never did anything but I had some very dark thoughts during what was a horrible time with PND. I can fully empathise with you and know exactly what you have gone through and what you still may be going through. As you say, talking helps whether it's MN or in RL so don't ever be ashamed or feel like you can't reach out.

Hoping that the light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter for you Thanks

emblosion · 18/10/2012 22:52

YANBU thank you OP.

I'm much better than I was but it means a lot to hear from someone that has come out the other side.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 18/10/2012 23:00

God I was just thinking today that I wish I had had MN when I had PND. I never sought help but wish I had, and if I had posted here I know I would have got support.
I remember saying to Ex hat I thought I might have it, and he said "No, if you had PND you would be rocking in a corner and not able to leave the house."
Oh, OK then, I thought, and struggled on...
I loved my baby with all my heart, but felt so inadequate and stressed, and had terrible OCD , couldnt sleep between feeds, was beyond exhausted, paranoid, the lot.
Always ask for help, if you are suffering.

AlreadyScone · 18/10/2012 23:03

Great post, OP.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 18/10/2012 23:11

YANBU

I had PND after I had DS1 and felt like I would never get out of the fog. He is now 4.3, loving school, and I have had DS2 (now 18 months) and not had any PND this time.

It is utter hell when you are going through it, but it does pass and you become yourself again.

Original poster
clemetteattlee · 19/10/2012 12:12

Just keep telling yourself it is a tunnel not a hole.

OP posts:
PeggyCarter · 20/10/2012 17:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slatternlymother · 20/10/2012 17:59

YANBU.

I had so much hate, so much anger and resentment.

It has frightened me off having another child, I am so afraid of it again Sad

But I am so glad to be through the other side!

SarryB · 20/10/2012 19:31

Thank you OP.

6 months into motherhood, PND and post-natal psychosis. Things are slowly getting better.

I don't want to be scared of having another child.

elliejjtiny · 20/10/2012 19:36

YANBU. I am a PND survivor too. I had PND 3 times but it was so much easier 2nd and 3rd time as I was closely looked after and I didn't have that awful few weeks at the beginning when I tried to struggle on without getting help.

marriedinwhite · 20/10/2012 20:29

Oh gosh yes. I had PND after DS was born. Two and half years later our second ds died after he was born at 27 weeks. We were lucky because dd arrived 51 weeks later. But I don't remember much about that 51 weeks. DS was 2.5 - 3.5 - for years I felt guilty that I hadn't really been completely there for much of his infancy. He will be 18 on Christmas day. He is big, strong, tough, talented, popular, utterly loved and >>whispers quietly

PoisonedApple · 20/10/2012 21:17

Too true - it was bloody awful and NO ONE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT IT! My Mother still flatly refuses to believe I had it despite me not leaving the house for nearly a year!

inneedofsanity · 20/10/2012 22:03

Thankyou. I am really struggling with everything right now. Just changing from Citalopram to Sertraline and feel worse right now.
Also just had a major bereavement last week so not coping.
Its good to know things can get better and the children wont really remember how sad i am...

Original poster
clemetteattlee · 20/10/2012 22:18

Your life is going to get better very soon xxx

OP posts:
marriedinwhite · 20/10/2012 22:23

So sorry to hear about your bereavement.

All will be well. Have you any or enough support? If not, just get on here when the going gets tough.

This "bunch of vipers" is pretty brilliant when the going gets tough.