to tell those currently struggling with PND...

[clemetteattlee]

That it will get better.
When my son was a baby I was so desperately unhappy and would repeatedly tell my husband that I wish we had never had him. I found him very challenging and often found myself dragging myself out of bed to respond to him, muttering to myself "why are you so difficult to love?"
When the depression passed I beat myself up constantly that our bond would be affected and he would somehow know that I had felt this way.
Now, at almost five, he is the most loving, demonstrative and happy child and fills my life with joy, kisses and cuddles.

It has been a roller-coaster recovery for me but I think if someone had told me that I wasn't damaging him irrevocably then it would have helped, so I am telling you...

The feeling broken thing is a huge part of depression. It's properly horrible, I really feel for you having to deal with it.

Do you want to go to the GP?

Thank you. I'm already on sertraline and the dose has just been increased. I have said to DH that I will ask to be referred to counselling next time I see GP. I refused it as I am worried that getting too many professionals involved would end up with me losing the girls (anxiety) because in reality I'm a shit parent. (Depression). I guess I know that's not true...but not enough to really believe it wouldn't happen. Although DH is a fantastic parent so presumably that wouldn't happen anyway.

No it wouldn't happen, but I know me saying that doesn't really make a difference. Counselling is a good idea. How long have you been on the sertraline? Do you feel it has any effect?

This thread has made me cry

I was so desperate for a baby, but then had a stressful pregnancy and an awful labour - which resulted in PND/PTSD. I felt like such a failure for not doing it all 'perfectly' and I definitely didn't bond with ds straight away. Jacked in bf after 3 weeks, only 1 on the boob, I expressed for the other 2.

Today is a good day but yesterday was bad, and my main fear is that ds is suffering when I'm struggling - he really does pick up on moods and is very sensitive (he's 1 on Saturday). I really hope all the posters who said kids don't remember are right.

Great idea for a thread, I really make a point of being honest about how tough being a parent is but am still too embarrassed to come right out and say I'm depressed. Dh knows and is brilliant. Have seen GP and been referred for counselling...really can't wait to come to the end of this bastard tunnel!

I've been on the sertraline for a year as I was still bf when I started it but the dose has only been upped a couple of weeks. I could feel it helping as it was when I made the post above about feeling like getting to the end.

I think part of it at the moment as that as a family we have decided I stay at home - for all reasons that are good and it's what I want to do as it also means I can concentrate on my writing. But then I have huge panics about not earning and therefore not contributing in a meaningful way and assume all sorts of things about my husband that he must secretly resent me because of it.

Thank you for taking the time to talk to me.

overreaction - I think it is good to be honest. I was at a toddler group attached to the school this week and as we sort of know each other now we discussed the brutal nature of sleep deprivation and all of us admitted it was hard.

Cyborg - it sounds to me like you're in that sort of halfway house where you're still having the negative thoughts but you're also able to see that they're not entirely rational. It's a tough place to be because you might feel ok some days and then beat yourself up when you feel bad other days. It is a very good sign though. With any luck the days where you have clarity and can dismiss the negative thoughts will get more frequent. You might have some setbacks though, and boy are they shit, but overall you seem to be heading in a good direction. Does it feel that way to you?

Sorry to hear you're suffering too Overreaction. I totally get the reluctance to admit you're depressed - very few people who know me know I have had depression. In many ways I think it's not a bad thing to keep it from people until you're sure how they'll react. Having a bad reaction from someone can be very dispiriting and can just end up being another stick to beat yourself with.

You will get there, and you will feel "normal" again. One day you'll laugh at something and realise you feel genuinely ok, and have done for quite a while. What a nice feeling that is :)

If people talk about depression in real life I always tell them I had PND. I don't say any more but hope it sews the seed that if they needed someone to talk to they could, and that you do get your life back on track afterwards.
Cyborg and overreaction - keep talking, to us and to whoever can help in real life. Talking really DOES help (and I wish I'd done more of it when I was in my tunnel.)

Thank you both. I'm already feeling calmer and tomorrow is another day. I just have to keep telling myself I am doing a fine job. The girls are happy, healthy, well-fed & clean. They are bright & outgoing and always say they love me. (As I say to them every day). Me having moods that go up and down is not going to destroy all that DH and I have built up.

Having a bad day is like trying to look at a massive picture but with tunnel vision & myopia. I can only see part of it yet base my beliefs on that small piece that I can't even see clearly.

Thank you all that should say. I can't count it seems.

RBAC depression is an illness and it needs to be treated and monitored. It is no less real than any other illness. I have thyroid diseas - I take a drug every day to deal with it - and 20 years ago I was devastated when I found out I wasn't invincible. DH has type II diabetes and I have to be careful with his diet (so does he) and he too was very cross to begin with although a little older than me and further away from notions of perfection - one day he might need a drug too. From the outside we don't look disabled but technically we both are. For both of us, as for you, those disabilities are invisible. Your illness is invisible too. It needs to be treated and monitored just like ours. It isn't a weakness, it isn't a horror; it's a disease like every other disease. It is treatable and you are in good company with between 15-20% of the rest of us.

Good luck.

This is a wonderful thread. I wish I had time to read every post right now, but I'm going to come back and read it over the weekend.

I had it bad. Soul crushing PND. I loved my baby, but I didn't want to spend any time with him until he was over a year old. I hated myself for being such an awful mum and I wished and fantasized about dying every day.

The first six months were the worst. It felt like one long never ending day. I would never rest again. I would never find peace again.

Worst moments - screaming at my baby to shut up. Begging him to please please please shut up before I killed myself. His cry sounded like a fire engine. It actually caused me physical pain to listen to.

I thought people were hiding things from me or tricking me or they could tell by looking at me that I was a monster.

I would hit myself in the head out of sheer exhaustion and anguish.

I had a mantra in my head which went I am a robot I don't exist I am a robot I don't exist

I would walk the streets for hours just so he would be quiet. I didn't dare cry from tiredness in case someone took my baby away

I was convinced pedestrians wanted to throw him in the river

I stopped eating. And I began abusing painkillers, to help me be a better robot.

Finally at its peak, I threw myself down the stairs. I was admitted to hospital briefly and put on antidepressants.

The antidepressants worked like a dream. Finally I got some perspective. It was like waking up from a nightmare.

It's been a long time since then and I'm completely better. It didn't even take that long to get better. I admitted I needed help, took the tablets, took people's offers to babysit up, got a month or two of decent sleep... And I felt like me again.

If anyone is reading this wondering about getting help - do it! You are not these horrible dark thoughts. You're the you you have always been. You will feel normal and happy again. I promise xx

More great posts

May I add my story?

I had PND after my dd. She is nearly 13 now. I still remember watching the plane crash into the 2nd of the twin towers. I was rocking myself in a ball on the floor, crying my eyes out. Not out of compassion, but because I wanted to be in that tower. It seemed life was so unfair - why did those people get to die and I had to live.
I remember watching out of the living room window for DH to come home, and as soon as he stepped through the door I would hand dd to him and shut myself away upstairs.

When dd was 9 months old, dh came with me to see the health visitor. He told them how I really was as I had been hiding it in case they took dd away.
I was put on anti depressants. They helped me go from utter despair to just about able to cope.

I was on the tablets about a year. But it took me a while to be fully better.

Now I have a wonderful dd. She is aware of people's needs and is so very compassionate. She is kind and caring. We have a fantastic bond. I love her so very much. This is something I never thought I'd say when she was a baby!

So to those of you in the depths, you will come out.
To those with young ones, worrying about their emotional development etc, this mum of a 12yo has found that actually my dd early years have made her a more emotionally aware person than perhaps she would have been.

To all of you. Try not to beat yourself up about having PND. You are ill. You do not have to feel guilty about it!

((Hugs to all who want them)). - I don't care if they are unmumsnetty!

I just want to add my bit. I've suffered from depression all my adult life but it was controlled with medication. I had terrible PND with DS1 but sought help quickly & got over it. I was terrified about becoming pregnant again but DS2 is now 5 weeks & I've not had any signs of PND. I did have baby blues & possibly over reacted to that, but apart from the usual new baby tiredness I'm fine.

So just wanted to say if you've had PND with one baby you won't necessarily have it with subsequent ones. (Haven't read the whole thread so apologies if this has been said previously).

That's really good to hear issimma. I hope your GP is helpful. You can always talk here too if you feel it'll help.

Have you seen your GP yet issima?
How is everyone else doing?

reading this thread has been really helpful - thank you everyone for sharing your experiences. Just to know I'm not the only one, I'm not going mental, and it will get better is reassuring. I can relate to so many of the symptoms you've described.
I've just been diagnosed with PND, 11 mths after having DD. I also have DS who's almost 3. I've been feeling dreadful for months but have put it down to sleepless nights (haven't had a full night's sleep in about 18 months), the stress of moving house, money worries, problems with DH, trying to get my business back up and running after ML...etc etc. Things just seem to be getting worse though and I just feel like I'm dragging myself through each day, unable to enjoy anything, unable to cope with the kids and wanting to get away from them all the time. I don't recognise myself, and I feel like the worst mother - telling my son to leave me alone, overreacting massively to the slightest little thing, taking things out on him (most of the time just shouting, but I've smacked him a couple of times, and he has seen me curl up in a ball on the floor, sobbing. He says 'I'm so sorry mummy, I won't do it again'. It's utterly heartbreaking). He's a wonderful little boy and I feel like I'm permanently damaging him but I'm unable to control these feelings, I just can't get a grip of myself.
Up until now I've been very resistant to the idea that I might be depressed, probably because my mum had severe depression throughout my childhood (she committed suicide when I was 16) and deep down I have a terrible fear of ending up like her. I've also been scared of admitting I might be depressed because I'm worried that if the GP convinces me to take AD's I'll never come off them (my sister was prescribed them at age 17 and still on them 15 yrs later). I know this is irrational though, and reading previous posts has given me hope that they can help hugely and people do manage to come off them.

Finally admitting to myself that I'm not well has been a huge relief. I feel completely shit at the moment but I'm finally doing something about it, and trying to get back to being me, the me that's a good mum, the me that is able to be happy.

We are here with you all the way xxx