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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell those currently struggling with PND...

95 replies

clemetteattlee · 17/10/2012 21:41

That it will get better.
When my son was a baby I was so desperately unhappy and would repeatedly tell my husband that I wish we had never had him. I found him very challenging and often found myself dragging myself out of bed to respond to him, muttering to myself "why are you so difficult to love?"
When the depression passed I beat myself up constantly that our bond would be affected and he would somehow know that I had felt this way.
Now, at almost five, he is the most loving, demonstrative and happy child and fills my life with joy, kisses and cuddles.

It has been a roller-coaster recovery for me but I think if someone had told me that I wasn't damaging him irrevocably then it would have helped, so I am telling you...

OP posts:
controlpantsandgladrags · 20/10/2012 22:24

Yanbu and excellent thread. 4.5 years ago I wanted to be dead. Prozac saved my life.

That was after the birth of dd1 but after dd2 I was absolutely fine Smile

Pnd is a disease, but its a curable disease. Everything will be ok.

Unlurked · 20/10/2012 22:26

What a great thread op. I didn't have Pnd but my mum had it after I was born. We have a really good relationship and I have very happy memories of my childhood. I've definitely not suffered at all and neither has my big sister who would have been more aware of what was going on at the time.

Big hugs to anyone who's going through it just now, things will get better!

AntoinetteCosway · 20/10/2012 22:34

Thank you for posting that OP.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 20/10/2012 22:36

inneedofsanity-why are you changing anti -d's? Just curious, as I take citalopram.

5madthings · 20/10/2012 22:38

Great thread!

I had post natal.psychosis and pnd after ds4. It was a hellish time. He us now 4 and i have since had 22mth old dd and been fine. It us an awful awful fog and blackness but yes you will get well.

Anyone suffering, be kind to yourself xxx

Sarahplane · 20/10/2012 22:38

Yanbu. Pnd is hell at the time but you will come out the otherside. I did. And it doesn't make you a bad mum and they can't sense it, don't remember and it doesn't affect your bond long term at all.

CailinDana · 20/10/2012 22:45

I had depression, not PND but the "ordinary" kind and it was utter hell, how so many women suffer and still look after a baby boggles my mind. I felt like I wouldn't ever recover but I did, went on to have DS, and in spite of my fears didn't suffer with PND. Anyone out there who is suffering or who thinks they might be suffering at the moment, there will be a day when suddenly getting up won't be quite so hard, and normal life will seem doable again. Please talk to someone, and get help if you can.

Lovely post OP and well worth saying.

blackcurrants · 20/10/2012 23:00

This is a lovely thread and really encouraging.

Catrin · 20/10/2012 23:41

I had PND and refused to admit it to myself or anyone else. I wished my dd had never been born for over a year, but more than that wished myself dead so I didn't have to do live it.

Fast forward 6 years... dd is the light of my life and we adore each other. I cannot imagine a minute without her and she is the centre of my world. She makes me happy and proud every day and she is my everything. I wish I had had this from her birth, but maybe I adore her more now because I know how it feels to be on the outside looking in.
It does get better, more so than is imaginable.

Iceaddict · 20/10/2012 23:51

This is so spot on. PND is cruel, I had it with both of mine, the guilt is horrific, it's brilliant when you get through it and you do get through it Smile

Original poster
clemetteattlee · 22/10/2012 15:30

AIBU to want to keep the thread going if it is helping anyone a bit?

OP posts:
SushiPaws · 22/10/2012 15:50

I was thinking that too Clem Smile

It's so important when you are down in the depth of pnd to know that you can get out of it and you're not alone.

ICBINEG · 22/10/2012 15:50

I thought I was over my pnd but it all flared up again in the last few weeks and I find myself hating my life, hating my 16mo DD and just wishing I could go to sleep and never wake up.

Is this still pnd? At what point after birth do you have to consider the fact you are permanently broken and are never going to be the same again?

(thanks for the thread btw - I am really hoping for an answer)

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 22/10/2012 15:53

I had PND after DS1 was born. I wish I could have those months back Sad but DS1 is now nearly 15. Time is a great healer and I am so thankful that despite a few blips I remained relatively well after DS2,3 and 4 were born. Lovely post OP.

Original poster
clemetteattlee · 22/10/2012 15:55

ICB, it may well be that yours is a flare up that can be treated and will diminish again. You are not broken - the early years are VERY difficult aren't they? It gets MUCH better xx
BUt, you need to go and talk to your GP and get help because they can help you stop feeling like this.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 22/10/2012 15:56

ICBINEG - depression can flare up again unfortunately, and it sounds like that's what's happened to you :( You aren't permanently broken but it might be the case that you're now prone to relapses and just have to be very vigilant and try to stave them off as best you can.

Do you have any support around you at the moment? Have you gone to the GP?

ICBINEG · 22/10/2012 15:58

Unfortunately I won't be taking any AD's. And counselling seems to have gotten as far as it can.

What has changed is stress levels at work...but the output is baby hating and suicidal thoughts (though no actions - don't worry I lack that conviction)

ICBINEG · 22/10/2012 15:59

Hi Calin - (you know I think you are my fave MNer, I always smile when I see you name)

What can the GP's do for me that isn't chemical?

Is there any chance that this is still going to improve even though DD is 16 mo?

Or is this my life from now onwards?

CailinDana · 22/10/2012 16:03

Aw thanks ICBINEG :) What nice thing to say Grin. I recognise you from other threads too and have always liked your posts, so it was sad to see you're having a hard time.

One of the symptoms of depression is feeling like it will never end. But it will. It will get better at some point, but it's the feeling that it won't and not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel that makes it so awful.

The GP won't really be much help beyond suggesting ADs and counselling. Is there a reason you don't want ADs? What makes you think the counselling has gone as far as it can?

weegiemum · 22/10/2012 16:08

It does get better, it really does, but it can take time.

I went on antidepressants when my dd1 was a week old as I couldn't stop crying. Was on them all through bf, then pg with ds, bf again, pg with dd2 (unplanned!) then bf.

Finally came off them 14 months ago, when dd2 was 7! But ... I'm a healthy happy mum mentally now, and it was worth it!

PosieParker · 22/10/2012 16:12

DElighted for you OP.

Rockchick1984 · 22/10/2012 16:54

ICBINEG - if you won't take AD's have you considered St John's Wort? It's herbal, available from boots etc, and has really helped me in the past when suffering with depression. Just don't take it if you're on the pill, as it can prevent it working :)

ICBINEG · 22/10/2012 16:56

This is tricky but the reason I won't take the AD's is because I am still BFing. I totally accept that other people can see the same evidence on AD's and BFing and perfectly rationally decide it is safe but I have somehow failed to convince myself (or my DH). I guess I feel like okay I am miserable but that's my problem and I don't want to take even the slightest non-existent risk of making my problem my DD's. I totally believe the people that have taken the drugs and BF are doing the right thing, I just can't get over the mental block myself (and after a year of trying I can't be bothered to go into it again).

I think a major difference for me is that I am not the primary carer of my DD, my DH is. So there are no bonding issues and no major impact on DD due to my being depressed. It also means the Bfing means more to me and DD than it would otherwise and she sometimes has a totally superfluous non-nutritionally relevant feed after I have been away with work etc. I am SO reluctant to give up that one connection we have on the uncertain benefits of AD's (I mean they can be wonderful and then again sometimes they don't do much).

Gah if this isn't making a rod for your own back I don't know what is.

I figure the counselling has gone as far as it can because I know what I should be doing CBT wise and I do it. This vastly reduces the frequency and severity of attacks but the slightest lapse and I get swallowed up again. I guess I feel it is working at full capacity but not quite getting the job done...

oh and I feel if my DD is 16mo then it isn't PND any more...its just D...so it is never going away is it? shit - now crying at work.

CailinDana · 22/10/2012 17:02

It wasn't PND I had IC - it was just ordinary D. And it did go away for me. I still worry about lapses but I've been clear now for 4 years with just a few small dips, thank god.

I totally understand your reasons for not wanting to take ADs. That said, it does seem to me from what you say that you might need them in order to get you up to such a level that other remedies like counselling and CBT will work. Sometimes you the depression just gets you in such a funk that only the ADs will lift you that bit you need to start on the road to recovery. I suppose it's like using crutches for a while before you start physiotherapy. They don't solve the problem by any means but they give you that break and that boost you need until you can start the real work of recovery.

Does that make sense?

pleasestoparguing · 22/10/2012 17:06

Great thread - I didn't know about Mn the firsttime i had PND I thought I was going mad and they would take my baby away and thought about walking out in the night curling up under a bush and waiting for death. Second bout was a bit better because i had MN and found out i wasn't completely abnormal but was still ashamed to talk about it and worried I had damaged my DC by my problems.
DS my first is now a happy and confident 11 yo starting secondary school and doing well and the 2 DDs are doing well too - i know i can never have that time back but I also know that I'm here now and that you will all get through it in the end and NEVER BE ASHAMED. You ARE fantastic even though you might not feel like it right now xxx

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