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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder how to tell my DD to deal with it?

19 replies

Softlysoftly · 16/10/2012 19:21

DD is 3, my best friend has a DS who's 2. Her DS is violent, he continuously hits, scratches and kicks, not just if she is playing with the same toy but actively chases her down to do it, last time we played she came away with a black eye and cut on her cheek :( and yes that was with me intervening, telling him and physically removing him myself and leaving early.

That was about 3 months ago, but after avoiding it we now have a meet up booked for this week.

I've arranged to meet somewhere toy neutral (a soft play) and another friend is bringing her DD to try and dilute it but if he starts again how do I tell my DD to handle it before I get him by the scruff of the neck?

BF and DH want me to tell her to hit him back, she's confident but gentle and I dont want her hitting. I suggested just shouting no to shock him and if he's got her cornered push him. But I'm scared it might escalate him before I can intervene?

I'm hoping after 3 months he might have grown up a bit and stopped and we absolutely leave if not but I feel we need to teach her this anyway as she seems to be a bit of a target for these types of kids (had a bloody cheek from a boy pinching her face at play group and another friends boy punched her in the nose out of the blue).

OP posts:

StuntGirl · 16/10/2012 19:25

If she's constantly getting bullied I would say telling her to stand up for herself isn't a bad thing.

But I'd also avoid setting up playdates with known bullies. What's his mother doing about it?

A1980 · 16/10/2012 19:25

Instead of having to teach your poor little DD how to handle it, why isn't your friend disciplining her son and teaching him to behave?

Anonymumous · 16/10/2012 19:28

Have any other children hit him back before? Did it stop him from attacking them again?

Personally I think your BF is copping out by expecting a 3 year old (or you, even) to handle her son's unacceptable behaviour. SHE should be watching him like a hawk and SHE should be hauling him out of there when he does something wrong. And then punishing him by making him sit quietly for five minutes (or whatever). It shouldn't be your problem, frankly.

apostropheuse · 16/10/2012 19:31

I'm sorry but, friend or not, I wouldn't knowingly bring my child into that situation.

I would be looking for like-minded children for her to play with.

I agree with you that it's not a good idea to try to get her to hit - it sounds like you've got a lovely little girl there and you need to protect her while trying to keep her gentle nature.

I do realise that it's inevitable that she will come across children like this, but when you know it's likely to happen it's easily avoidable.

FryOneGhoulishGhostlyManic · 16/10/2012 19:33

Your friend needs to take responsibility for her son's behaviour. Why don't you put her on the spot and ask her what she plans to do if/when he starts up with this behaviour?

Original poster

Softlysoftly · 16/10/2012 19:37

She says he's learning it off older cousins who play fight and he doesn't do it to all kids just girls (nice).

Last time we were there she hauled him off to bed a couple of times but then asked me to "scare him" as I'm sterner apparently. Then my final straw was when we seperated them (couldn't leave as DH was picking me up and he got sweets and cuddles. So basically lots of "telling" no follow through.

As I say I'm hoping he's grown out of it don't entirely trust bfs say so and if he hasnt Im taking the car this time so will be off.

I just think she seems to attract them in play situations (other friends boy was a shock as he's generally placid) so need to do something.

OP posts:

Original poster

Softlysoftly · 16/10/2012 19:40

I should cancel shouldn't I?

OP posts:

Anonymumous · 16/10/2012 19:46

Your daughter shouldn't be punished by being taken home. It's not her fault if she is attacked. Tell your friend that if her son plays up, then SHE has to leave with him - he's the one who should suffer the consequences. And if she won't agree, then cancel the date. And if she says she will leave and then doesn't, then refuse to set any further playdates with her son.

Anonymumous · 16/10/2012 19:49

Just out of interest, what is your friend's position on smacking children? Because she doesn't seem inclined to dish out a smack to her son herself, but is apparently more than happy for your daughter to discipline him on her behalf?!

Original poster

Softlysoftly · 16/10/2012 20:17

Good point she says she isn't against smacking and biting back (I am) but I've never seen her do it ever, he is fairly coddled.

Another good point that it would be unfair to DD, I think I'm going to have to call her and discuss strategy I hate challenging others parenting even if discreetly.

OP posts:

pictish · 16/10/2012 20:22

Mmm...having been in a similar situation a couple of times, I would have to say that it's unfair to expect your dd to play with someone who hurts her. Particularly if the kid's mother shows no interest in sorting out his violence.

I'd say 'I'm so sorry, I do love you, but I won't put dd in the situation of being belted. It's not fair on her at all.'

clippityclop · 16/10/2012 20:32

Visits with friends are supposed to be fun, but this sounds like a complete nightmare for your child. If you want to spend time with your friend then see her on your own. If you must meet up with the children do a structured activity, craft or something where you can be hands on, have fun with your little girl and supervise/help the children and not just play referee! The fact that your friend is happy to have her son believe that you are 'scary' is weird, she should be teaching him to play nicely and be respectful. Cancel.

PropertyNightmare · 16/10/2012 20:33

A black eye and a cut cheek is absolutely not on. I hope your friend is aware of these injuries. I'd call her before the play date to remind her that you will be seriously upset if her ds attempts to hurt your dd. At the first sign of trouble your friend can't deal with you need to step in to tell him to get away from your dd.

lovebunny · 16/10/2012 20:38

sack the whole lot of them. your dd is worth more. what is she learning except that mummy's friends' children are allowed to hurt her. sack them all.

NatashaBee · 16/10/2012 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skateboarder · 16/10/2012 20:49

Cant you and your friend agree in advance a joint effort?

mudipig · 16/10/2012 20:56

If she's 3 I'd be supervising very closely given the past events.

She's not old enough to fend off a black eye. You need to do it for her.

At age 5, yes they need to know how to fend off themselves. But at age 3, you need to help her or not put her in the situation in the first place.

Chrysanthemum5 · 16/10/2012 20:56

I wouldn't go I think it's giving your child the message that she's not safe and that's just not fair. For more general situations I always told the DCs that if someone hit them they should say ' I don't like that and I don't play with people who hit me' then walk away. It's worked fine for them.

Goofymum · 16/10/2012 21:00

To add what others have said, you do not have to tell your daughter how to handle it at that young age. Maybe when she gets to school you can teach her how to defend and handle herself but for now, aged 3, it really should not be her problem. If you do decide to keep the playdate, watch them like a hawk, playing next to them if necessary rather than sitting having coffee with your friend (she should get your point). If anything happens then don't feel bad by taking DD away and going somewhere else just you two to enjoy yourselves without the risk of your DD being hurt. And then don't go out with them again.

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