My friend's ds has autism, she would like my ds to spend more time with him.

[BatwingGirl]

I find this very unfair on ds (6) as he has made other friends at his school who want to come round and play. Both boys have pretty much grown up together, seeing eachother since they were babies. They go to different schools but as her ds has become older, it's become more challenging to have a decent playdate without tantrums every 2 minutes. I've tried to see my friend more while the boys are at school, but she tries very hard to time it for after school so that the boys can be together. I didn't want to say it to her and have said I'm busy after school, weekends I've stopped going out with her and the two boys as there will always be a scene in town. She ends up leaving him with me, walking off in a temper herself. It's very stressful.

For the last few weeks she has been coming round with some excuse (to see the kitten, to see the new rug, they made biscuits) and I can't exactly say no. She asks my ds to play with her ds (7) in his room. I don't like them being out of my sight as I know her ds can get very aggressive if he doesn't get his own way. My ds who does not know about his condition ends up very frustrated and scared. I'd like to keep my friend but not force my son to have to be his friend if he doesn't want to. I know if I say it to her she will really take offense. She feels like she has no one else and other mums from the school have dumped her since his diagnoses.
I just want an easier life. When Ds's other friends are round, they are like angels compared to my friend's ds.

So many sad depressing callous attitudes on this thread..'pity playdates', have read it all now,how up your own arse

pity play dates.

disgusting

Socharlotte

Sochatlotte no they are playdates. What a nasty word. If you have tat attitude don't bother. Nt children are not all little angles you know

Ha ha at support from health professionals. Oh I wish!

In the early days a bunch of friend's cleared offf like rats out of a drainpipe leaving a few. I suppose I leaned on them, one of them has had a truly awful time since and did some leaning on me. I didn't go round uninvited but I saw them and few others.

Then I began to make friend's with kids with SN (and moved away from where ihad been living) so mainly begAn to hang around with them. It was easier anyway. Now, as ds2 and ds3 have gone to school I have more friend's with NT kids again. Although I am only close o those who can cope with ds1.

OP disappeared long ago ...... but I think this thread has been very interesting and informative about autism and attitudes towards it

I am a mum of a little boy who has ASD. I am heart broken to read your post as I know what it feels like to be excluded and desperate for my little boy to have a friend. I know you must feel frustrated especially if he is an aggressive child but please try to help your friend- this is a very hard road.

This thread has really saddened me. i have been in just the same position as OP's friend. I wish i had a friend to support me it would make the world of difference. All but one of my friends vanished once DS1 was diagnosed. The remaining friend kept coming round because we were the only family in the area who spoke the same second language as this family. She started avoiding DS1 and only brought her dd round when ds2 was there. DS1 worshiped my friend and would cry so much when she came round when he was out.

I was looking after her dd (4) once (when ds1 wasn't home) and asked her if she would like to come and play with ds1 sometime. She replied that she wasn't allowed to play with him as mummy said he was "a dysfunctional retard". Needless to say that was the last time I saw that family. We live abroad so we have no family here and now no friends either.

Oh lady what a. Nasty piece of work, your well rid. I am saddened how many people's 'friends' disappeared once their dx were dx, that has not happened to me fortunately theory are really lovely andf still have the same friends that I had pre diagnosis. People even want to be our friend

I'm beginning to notice that in some posts above I've been painted as someone who is somehow directing my Dd not to play with any child who had SN. This isn't true. I make no suggestions at all about who my DD plays with. She chooses her own friends and I choose mine.

I suppose it's difficult to be rational when there are complex and emotive issues about the socialisation of children, but let me say again - I don't choose my DDs friends for her, and any playdates she has are based on her preferences, even though sometimes I'm not overly fond of the child's parents.

It so happens at this time my DD has no friends who have SN. My DD was monopolised last year by a girl who has Aspergers and the school was very good and got all the girls to mix after it appeared my DD was being bullied and monopolised - this isn't a SN issue - it's a socialisation issue. I don't feel sorry about my DD expressing her preference in her friends: she's a child herself and is learning what she likes and what she dislikes, and she's not magically mature just because she's NT.

For sure I'll explain why her classmates are talking nonstop in her face about their collections of stickers/ juice cartons / whatever (as one particular boy does), flapping their hands /knocking things over/ shouting/ helping themselves to her stuff/ and scribbling on her books, but at the end of the day, my DD is friends with girls who are not doing these things.
At the moment my DD prefers to play role play games, and especially imaginative / magical games, with complex story-lines and characterisations, with girls who like these sorts of fluid and creative games.

The school is very inclusive and encourages group activities in class and every child is valued. About a quarter of my DDs class have learning difficulties/aspergers. There are three support teachers assigned to her class, as well as the class teacher. I's a very inclusive school, and they are sensitive to every childs' needs.
Most of the mums whom I like happen to like have kids who have SN, and we go out and have a laugh without any kids at all - we tried the other way - meeting with kids - but nobody had a good time, so we leave kids at home now, and have adult conversations after the watershed.

I suggest to the OP that if she wants to support her friend, she see her without any kids at all, and have a laugh with her, and if this can't be done, then have the boys play where they can be seen and impose boundaries as you would any other playdate time with any other child.

X posts LadyFanny - crikey, that's awful. I think you are well rid.

"For sure I'll explain why the classmates with SN do weird stuff but at the end of the day my DD is wonderfully NT and likes to play with wonderfully creative NT children".

Ugh

Pity play dates? That's incredibly unkind. And quite shocking.

I have a question kind of related to this thread for the mums of kids with ASD.

My son has just started reception and is becoming friends with a boy in his class who has a twin brother (non-id) at a special needs school further down the road. I know this because I see the dad drop the boy at my son's school off first and the other son has that schools logo'd jumper on. I am guessing the twin is on the autistic spectrum as there is nothing visibly wrong with him and that school caters for that.

Anyway I have exchanged a few emails and chatted a lot to their mum and I hope that we will be friends as I really like her from what I know. My question is do I bring up about the twin going to another school or just pretend I haven't noticed, at first I thought maybe both kids couldn't have got into one school until I saw the jumper. If she brings up her son's condition what is the best thing to say, do i sympathise or ask more questions? As I said I think she is lovely and don't want to say the wrong thing and I don't want to come across as ignorant.

I do have one friend who son's has Asbergers but he is high functioning at mainstream school.

Thanks.

Gosh Venus, I'm sure you mean well but do you have any idea how your post sounds?

When ds1 was in mainstream he had an annual review. The report was awful, it made him sound like an animal, who was dreadful to be around. I sat in the car sobbing when I read it. Then pulled myself together and got him out of that school as fast as I could (6 weeks). 2 terms later he had another annual review at his special school, it was warm, funny, detailed the issues but in a way that was clear they understood - and heavens above - liked him. The language used and descriptions of the same issues were very revealing. I now no longer allow him anywhere he isn't valued.

LadyFanny - that's awful :(

This is such a sad thread. My children no longer see the friends they were brought up with. They no longer have anything in common with them. I still meet up with the mums though.

The only difference here though, is that my children are lucky enough to be NT. Would I have forced the friendships if SN were involved? It's easy to say yes or no, but until you are actually in that situation, I don't think any of us could really say what our reactions would be.

I like to think I would be a good friend, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut and not tell my DC about the DX. I'd have to help them understand the situation and encourage them to empathise.

The trouble is, as someone depends on you more and starts changing the normal boundaries of friendship (children would probably have grown apart anyway), then I suppose the natural reaction is to pull away - as evidenced by everyones sad tales of being abandoned by so called friends. It takes a strong and special person to go that extra mile. I hope the Op can do so by implementing the good ideas suggested upthread.

Just ask her Macy - I never mind people being interested - even if they sometimes get the words wrong. You can tell whether someone is interested or just sees your child as a 'thing'. Sometimes people say 'I hope you don't mind me asking but.... ' it's fine.

Sorry I mean - all the children involved are lucky enough to be NT.

Macygracy - could you just say "have you got another son? I think I might have seen him getting out of the car" ? Simple, direct, polite. I wouldn't assume the other child has autism, could be anything

Who said that fangs, shocking, if adults think in that way, what hope do their children have. Saintly I am looking forward to that, my dd started an autistic school in September after having been at a ms school. The statement review was awful way back in June, the list of incidents as long as your arm. Funnily enough there are no incidences no, I have to get used to NOT having he phone constantly beside me

pity playdates has to be one of the nastiest, most narrow minded, cruelest phrases I've ever read. What kind of a mind thinks that up?

socharlotte you sound like an utter cow. Can't imagine you're particularly popular yourself.

In a way yes I agree that children are free to choose their friendships, why should we be friends with those who we have in common. But Venus I hope that your dd has empathy, if there is a little girl/boy nt/sn who is standing at the side watching your dd play these wonderful games and wants to join in, that she includes them

LadyFanny - that is awful :(

Zzzz - I'm not sure what you meant by "I'm sorry but..." But I assume it was derisory. What I was getting at was there was no issue,children past toddler stage are fully capable of having something explained to them and understanding.

This is a very sad thread. I don't have children as yet and am saddened at the attititudes some of the parents who have SN children have had to deal with.

To be fair to socharlotte I suspect she was seeking to adapt the colloquial term "pity date" rather than come up with something nasty. I've certainly been guilty of inviting around children who are new to the school / seem a bit lonely (or whose parents have expressly told me are a bit lonely) even though ds might not particularly want them to come over. Is that so evil?