My friend's ds has autism, she would like my ds to spend more time with him.

[BatwingGirl]

I find this very unfair on ds (6) as he has made other friends at his school who want to come round and play. Both boys have pretty much grown up together, seeing eachother since they were babies. They go to different schools but as her ds has become older, it's become more challenging to have a decent playdate without tantrums every 2 minutes. I've tried to see my friend more while the boys are at school, but she tries very hard to time it for after school so that the boys can be together. I didn't want to say it to her and have said I'm busy after school, weekends I've stopped going out with her and the two boys as there will always be a scene in town. She ends up leaving him with me, walking off in a temper herself. It's very stressful.

For the last few weeks she has been coming round with some excuse (to see the kitten, to see the new rug, they made biscuits) and I can't exactly say no. She asks my ds to play with her ds (7) in his room. I don't like them being out of my sight as I know her ds can get very aggressive if he doesn't get his own way. My ds who does not know about his condition ends up very frustrated and scared. I'd like to keep my friend but not force my son to have to be his friend if he doesn't want to. I know if I say it to her she will really take offense. She feels like she has no one else and other mums from the school have dumped her since his diagnoses.
I just want an easier life. When Ds's other friends are round, they are like angels compared to my friend's ds.

'it's just his way of showing that he's excited and his body does it automatically, like hiccuping'

Oh thats good, DD would 'get' that.

Thanks for all your replies. I was worried about the 'brain' thing, and not understanding calm down - I know what DD is like and can see her trying to explain what the word calm meant - she's very literal.

After I'd said about his brain not working like hers I was worried that I would offend the parents - I know the dad of the first young lad (the round sandwiches one) and I know he'd probably be happy to explain to DD himself if I asked him - he's very open, but I don't know the parents of the other lad as he is quite new to the school - and of course I know everyone deals with things in different ways.

I think I will speak to DD again this weekend and use the hiccuping analogy. Poor bugger is off school this week according to DD because he panicked when a teacher had a fall in the playground (ambulance and everything) and was seriously upset.

Thanks again all

Tbh Dallas it is just so reassuring to know that, contrary to the spouted on here so often, there are parents out there trying to get their children to see that a child behaving differently is still just a child.

I often think the parents who except their child turning away from children because they are different are people who have never themselves learnt to embrace differences. The fear of those who are different, whether culturally or in appearance or behaviour, is often about fear.
We have to feel confident in ourselves to accept other people without feeling wrong footed and uncomfortable.

The people who love and embrace DS2 are those who are open and intelligent and confident. It is how we feel about ourselves that shapes how we treat others.
That is why I am sad about a child who will only cling to those that look and sound and act like them. It's so restrictive.

'accept'

I remember a non sn girl being obsessed with me, following me about, playing great demands of me at school it was very tiring. My mum had to speak to the school about it

Must be a girl thing, girls can be quite possessive best friends and all that. Venus what would you have done if the girl did not have sn, would you have seen the teacher, or put it down to girls being girls

Pig - as it's been stated that the little girl was unhappy about it I imagine it wouldn't have been put down to "girls being girls".

The OP's main concern was her own child. She didn't say at any point that her friends autistic son "repulsed" her. Yes it's a shame that this friend seems to be struggling but she is not the OP's number one priority,her son is. That doesn't make her a bad person. OP also stated her mum had recently had to go in to a home. It isn't as though her life,with her NT child,is all sweetness and light.

I agree Ali, coming to think of it now you are right

Can I just say, I know exactly how you feel, and YANBU.

You obviously care about your friend and want to spend quality time with them, but her DS is a separate issue that is holding back your friendship. I understand completely.

Speaking from personal experience, I would still continue to make the effort to see your friend, but you have to make it very clear that the kids spend time together within eyesight, so you can both keep an eye on whats happening. You should tell your friend about how your DS feels when the other boy gets aggressive, because obviously at that age he is too young to understand the boy's condition and he sometimes feels threatened.

Also, see if you can invite other friends and their kids to playdates at the same time so your ds doesnt feel overwhelmed by having to play with this boy all the time.

You can still be friends but I think its also important to stick to some boundaries, no matter what special needs are involved.

Right I got to page 6 and am writing this so sorry if the thread's moved on.

But I'm interested to ask all the parents of DX'd children giving the OP a hard time whether they have a support network of friends, family and health professionals? Or whether they just lean really heavily on only one person?

Because it seems to me that OP's friend is doing the latter. And that's the main issue, that it's all falling to the OP. An intense, one-sided friendship like this would be claustrophobic even without the issue of the DS's autism.

But the OP's friend's denial about her DS's DX is only serving to isolate her from the wider support that she could be getting. Which would take the pressure off her friendship with OP.

As the mother of quite a challenging child with ASC I agree mostly with Campari. Only I wouldn?t invite other kids to join in as a kid with ASC may get overloaded by the presence of other kids. Instead keep visits short, well structured and closely supervised. Have them at whatever frequency you can manage and bear in mind that they often thrive on routine so visits often go better if you can keep to the same time and day of the week. And if his mum wants a heart-to-heart it does need to be while the kids are at school.

OP I agree especially that YANBU and you?re being a very good friend in difficult circumstances.

Was that post to me Zzzzz?

I'm fairly sure many mums children have made them behave in ways they otherwise wouldn't,it's the nature of being a parent surely?

The main issue for OP seems to be her friends refusal to allow her to explain to her son that the other little boy is Autistic. The over reliance is also an issue and would be an issue regardless of the little boy having SN.

My dad's exgirlfriends son is autistic,he and my brother were of a similar age,3 and 4 respectively,when they were together. My brother was the elder. The little boy was quite seriously effected and inclined towards being violent if he was distracted. It was explained to my brother in simple terms and after that they played together without any issue. That could not have happened if the exgirlfriend had been unwilling to explain to my brother. They split for reasons quite unrelated to her little boy's autism btw.

Without explanation there cannot be understanding and tolerance. I don't mean that SN's children are merely tolerated,just for children some behaviours are difficult but once they understand they can see beyond them.

Please explain the grinning face? I'm fairly sure it's sarcastic but please,elaborate...

My sister has a child with adhd.......when her DS comes to play with my DC, there is upset and frustration because the little lad wants to do certain things like ride one of their bikes up the road, which is dangerous where we live (traffic on the top of the road). My DC don't do it because they know its dangerous, but my sister's DS wants to go out and do his own thing...also he has been known to be very rough with our pet dog, which my DD tells him off for and gets upset that he behaves this way.

I have explained to them about his ADHD...but at the young age they are, its difficult for them to understand, they want someone fun to join in their games, and not fool around doing dangerous things. Its a difficult situation.

I think your friend is trying to get some support. Try sending her to the special needs boards, she will find a lot of support over there.

'It's not how you behave when it is easy to be kind that shows what sort of person you are.'

Absolutely right!

This sounds horrible , but I have set up what I suppose you would call 'pity playdates' before with unpopular children before because I've felt sorry for them.The chikld gets all excited because they've finally been invited somewhere.they get there the reason why they are unpopular becomes obvious, your child hates playing with them and you end up doing more harm than good.

Yeuch - 'pity play dates' / no you didn't mean any harm but really did you need to say that?

My DS1 very similar to the OP's friends son. Horrendous time at primary/junior school with undiagnosed mild autism. Other parents were not nice as a rule. However there were a few who could see beyond that. And now secondary school thriving.

By the sounds of it OP's friend is struggling and that is the real issue. If the OP read up on autism then she could find a few simple tools to support friend. Maybe leading by example?

DS2 who is very NT, however has learnt a huge range of skills and can cope with pretty much everything That schools throws at hm.

That is not at all similar

X-posted, I ws addressing socharlottes post

This sounds horrible - coming from you, yep.... I can agree with that.