My friend's ds has autism, she would like my ds to spend more time with him.

[BatwingGirl]

I find this very unfair on ds (6) as he has made other friends at his school who want to come round and play. Both boys have pretty much grown up together, seeing eachother since they were babies. They go to different schools but as her ds has become older, it's become more challenging to have a decent playdate without tantrums every 2 minutes. I've tried to see my friend more while the boys are at school, but she tries very hard to time it for after school so that the boys can be together. I didn't want to say it to her and have said I'm busy after school, weekends I've stopped going out with her and the two boys as there will always be a scene in town. She ends up leaving him with me, walking off in a temper herself. It's very stressful.

For the last few weeks she has been coming round with some excuse (to see the kitten, to see the new rug, they made biscuits) and I can't exactly say no. She asks my ds to play with her ds (7) in his room. I don't like them being out of my sight as I know her ds can get very aggressive if he doesn't get his own way. My ds who does not know about his condition ends up very frustrated and scared. I'd like to keep my friend but not force my son to have to be his friend if he doesn't want to. I know if I say it to her she will really take offense. She feels like she has no one else and other mums from the school have dumped her since his diagnoses.
I just want an easier life. When Ds's other friends are round, they are like angels compared to my friend's ds.

I inwardly seethe if anyone drops around with no notice and uninvited.

I like to decide how I/we spend our time ourselves not have it imposed by others whims.

OP lots of people here are reading this and feeling the pain of rejection of their own child in your posts and therefore finding this very hard and responding, understandably, very emtionally and defensively.

It's reasonable to expect you to support your friend, and it sounds like you have been, and there are lots of good suggestions on here for how you can continue to maintain the friendship with a more structured arrangement.

It's unreasonable of her to use you as a crutch because she's not coping. It's unreasonable of her to drop in, send the boys off to play unsupervised and leave you to deal with meltdowns in public.

Her son is her primary concern and the centre of her life.

This friendship is not your primary concern or the centre of your life. You have your own son, your family and other friends.

That's the tough truth.

A friend will continue to keep in touch, arrange get togeters with and without the children, but does not have to be prepared to make big sacrifices in others areas of their life for that friend. Other things will sometimes be more important. Most friendships are like this, despite the MN calls of 'terrible friend' if you don't devote yourself to someone's troubles totally.

Some friendships, often very longstanding deep friendships, are ones where you can call each other anytime day or night and everything else will be dropped, and where ongoing selfless support would be expected, but even these come under strain when the support starts to drain one party, however much they love thier friend.

I think Quint has a good positive friendship model she's described on here with her friend and sons. They are friends and they've found a way to make this work that suits them both and all their children. It sounds like at the moment the arrangement is just suiting your friend and not you.

What a difficult situation - obviously you have to consider your own and your son's needs but equally it would be horrible to exclude your friend and her ds. I think a previous poster's suggestion of setting up a visit once or twice a month, with a structured activity to minimise stress for all concerned, is a good idea. It's perfectly fair (and possible) to want to support someone while still setting boundaries.
Have you considered telling your ds, in an age-appropriate way, about his friend's dx? I mentioned this thread to my friend, who is a SN teaching assistant for a boy with global dev delay and autistic traits, and she says that it's astonishing and heartwarming how even very young kids can lean to make allowances for and understand, differences when they've been explained to them. If your ds knows that this boy thinks in a way that's a little bit different and sometimes needs help/patience, he may surprise you.

Thank you Ohsenia for understanding it so well.

If someone doesn't want to share the diagnosis that affects friendships, then she also has to accept that it may cause difficulties. It's up to her if she wants to share it obviously, but she has to accept the consequences of that decision either way.

If one of the consequences is that other children are less understanding than they could be, then she has to take that into consideration when choosing to keep the diagnosis quiet.

I know it's difficult, I have been there, but I don't think that other people's parenting decisions should affect someone else's child to the extent that they are made to feel scared and uncomfortable without being given an honest explanation.

As for the thing about OP seeing her friend without the children present, I really can't see why that is such a big problem. Lots of people like being able to see their friends without their children present. It's what I tend to do with my childless friends, and I like being able to have adult time without it being all about managing challenging children's behaviour. If anything, it probably makes it easier to cope.

It sounds to me like the friend in this situation has forgotten about the importance of her friendship with the OP because of her child's difficulties with friendship. It's understandable, I know that, but OP isn't just there to provide a friend for her sons child. She has to put her own child first.

I think BatwingGirl has copped some unreasonable criticism on this thread.

Ohsiena seems very reasonable.

I'm puzzled as to why the OP is being berated by SN parents here for having no empathy and sympathy... when that is exactly what they are doing to her.

They are judging the situation completely from their point of view and being very emotional and defensive and yet OP is being harangued for having her open view and daring to be concerned for her own son.

Its not all about you!

Having SN doesn't make it all about you! And goodness, if this is how you approach situations and genuine questions no wonder you alienate so many people.

Eve you're going to get pasted for this, but I agree with you. Hang on...

Oh zzz - friends with kids with SN aren't the only friends we have. I have others with and without kids/SN kids at we see often enough. I just didn't keep hold of the friendships with people who couldn't cope with my son. I needed to be able to talk normally and sensibly about him every now and then, and I coukdn't with them. He was the elephant in the room so we didn't bother.

There aren't that many parents of NT only children than I see with ds1 and their kids tbh. Probably two or three? If we go out with the kids it tends to be dog walk/picnics and me bringing a helper as that works. Ds1 is very severely autistic though, presumably if your child is higher functioning it's easier to meet up with Nt friend's as they can do more similar things. We frequently meet with families with a mix of NT and SN kids without any problem at all so the issue isn't NT kids/SN kids as such.

Asni said eve - I have spent the last 8 years or so on the NT side of the fence. And have been pretty horrified by the actions of some of my 'fellow' NT parents towards those with SN in the class.

Most of us do actually straddle a foot in both camps. NT ds2 and ds3 have had to deal with LD behaviour since they were babies (and both appear to have benefitted from it).

*as I said

We aren't 'SN parents' and 'they' like some homogenous mass.

Eve -, friendship should not be conditional on having well behaved children. It isn't about SN & disability.
The OP appears to be saying (& yes we only have HER words to make an assessment of the situation) I have a friend who is really struggling, having a difficult time, I find her son to be a PITA so I dont want him to play with mine.

Sounds like a pretty shallow, fair weather friendship to me.

She is posting on AIBU & therefore inviting opinion

I agree with Eve too.

I don't want my son with Aspergers to grow up thinking that people will make allowances for him wherever he goes throughout his whole life. It's not going to happen, so he needs to understand that if he wants to get along in life, there are something's that he is going to have to conform to even if he doesn't understand the reasons why.

I see it as my job as his parent to teach him ways that will enable him to function fully in society. It is not my job to fight society to conform to him.

Saintly, most of my long term friends who have remained friends dont have children. Not sure if this means they dont prejudge ds2 but they take him as is, warts n' all!

Outrgaged, Yes we continue to educate our children within their ability level BUT that is a seperate issue to the OP.
What happens if your child cant function fully in society... shall we lock them away or should society offer a little more tolerance?

Yes, its great if your child is able to be high functioning but not all are.

If your child can't fully function in society then you need to make the best of a difficult situation. You can't expect that every other child should be willing to play with yours, unsupervised, when you won't even allow that child to know the reason why the friend you are forcing on him displays difficult behaviour.

Of course we should teach our children to understand differences in others and to be as understanding as they can be, but I don't think OP is in an easy position when her friend won't allow the diagnosis to be shared, and she expects the children to play unsupervised. She has as much responsibility to the OPs son and OP has towards her friends son.

Outraged, I missed the bit where she wont't allow the sons diagnosis to be shared?
In any case tolerance can be taught without sharing a dx with a young child if thats the parents wish.
I would never agree to my son playing (if only he could play) with another child unsupervised if there was a risk of aggresion or violence.
That is where the OP needs to be honest & if she is happy to have them both over to play she needs to ensure they play where there can be an element of supervision.

OP said a few pages back that her friend doesn't like to mention it, which is her choice, but it does create a problem. Telling people the diagnosis can also create a problem sometimes, so it is up to the friend which route she decides to take. But she does need to accept that either telling people or not telling people will come with consequences, and it's clear that one of the consequences of not telling in this situation is that a six year old is not allowed an honest explanation of why his friend does things that he would be told off for.

Yes I've found childless people great as well mymate, childless men are often really good with ds1.

there are a few children on the autistic spectrum in each of my dc's classes in school. My dcs don't 'know' their conditions, but instead might say something along the lines of 'x sometimes doesn't understand how to use his hands in a kind way' or 'y is still trying to learn how to play in a way we want to' and so on. At the age your son is, it can be confusing as presumably he sometimes misbehaves in a way you dislike and as children are so fixated on 'fairness' he might not understand how this other child gets away with what, to your dc, might seem just bad behaviour. Could you not broach the topic with your son in some way? Can you ask him to think up a better way to play with your friend's dc?
It is not a good situation if you are so scared of alienating your friend that you can't even say that you'd rather your dcs didn't play upstairs alone, and will lead to resentment and dishonesty.