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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to speak to my friend about her daughters behaviour

16 replies

mummywizz · 14/10/2012 22:20

My DD8 had her friend (8) to play today. She is her best friend and i get on really well with her mum. However during the playdate my dd 'lost her' eyeshadow kit (just a plaything wouldn't let her wear it out) her friend didn't know where it was even though the girls had been playing with it. After she's left, found it snapped in 2 hidden behind the linen basket! we also couldn't find dd teddy (favourite) then I found it in a really obscure place

the last time she came we found a framed photo in dd bedroom of a family dog with lots of nail varnish painted all over it!!!! and the teddy went missing then too (found later at the back of a wardrobe) didn't say anything to mum and let it go

Should i let this one go too? after all they are stlll little girls. Think mum might be a bit defensive...crikes,.... dd very upset.

OP posts:

BigWitchLegsInWailyTights · 14/10/2012 22:25

I wouldn't unless you know the Mum well. Sadly....she will probably deny any wrong. I think it's one of those awful things that little grls sometimes do but you should leave it.

Would your DD be able to say anything to her friend? Has she other friends to play with?

Gumby · 14/10/2012 22:27

I wouldn't
Next time she comes ask her to treat dd's things nicely & give her a knowing look

SundaeGirl · 14/10/2012 22:27

Well, I don't think you'd achieve much by speaking to the mother. What would you like her to do?

RandomMess · 14/10/2012 22:29

I would put the teddy away next time and have a chat about taking good care of each others belongings...

CoolaSchmoola · 14/10/2012 22:30

It sounds like the friend has some jealousy issues around your daughter's belongings and/or home that she is only able to express in this way.

Could there be something going on in her house - you say that the mum might be a bit defensive - this could be an indicator that all is not rosy.

The biggest thing that is in my head is "poor confused little girl" - because that's highly likely what she is - I really think something is going on at home.

I think I would mention something to the Mum, as a minor concern - even if she is defensive with you it may cause her to look more closely at whatever may be going on at home.

BigWitchLegsInWailyTights · 14/10/2012 22:30

Yes...and also, consider putting valuables away. The way she's acting sounds sad...as though she's not a happy child.

numbum · 14/10/2012 22:35

How do you know it was her who broke eye shadow? If they were both playing with it surely it could have been either/both of them. Oh and I used to hide my own teddy at that age so my friends wouldn't take the piss. I'm not saying that's what your DD is doing though

Kalisi · 14/10/2012 22:37

First talk to your DD to make absolutely sure that the girls aren't doing these things together. What strange behaviour though, I don't think talking to her Mother would help as without proof I'm pretty sure she'll deny it. I'd probably have a friendly chat with the girl herself, not accusing her of anything just " these things happened and it would be a real shame if they happened again" kind of chat.

Original poster

mummywizz · 14/10/2012 22:38

No it was def her friend as my dd was looking for it while she was there and she denied all knowledge. Try not to get involved but have some good advice from you all thankyou, will let it go I think, and hide teddy next time and keep an eye on stuff x

OP posts:

TeaDr1nker · 14/10/2012 22:44

Is it possible for them to play somewhere where you can keep a closer eye on them, ie not her bedroom. Something along the lines of 'I've spent ages tidying your room, pls don't play in there this time'. Just a thought.

Original poster

mummywizz · 14/10/2012 22:49

I was looking after her for the day so good advice but not practical for 8 hours. but in future I think the 'look after things' and a knowing look might be the answer, I also think (and worried) that she is 'troubled' and jealous of dd

OP posts:

BigWitchLegsInWailyTights · 14/10/2012 23:38

Sounds like it. You can try to help her a bit if possible...maybe praise her more than you might otherwise....point out her good qualities.

socharlotte · 15/10/2012 09:22

I wouldn't say anything without definite proof.Your DD might be doing it to get your sympathy get the other girl in trouble, she might be jealous of the other girl.I am niot saying this is the case but it is a possibility and does happen.

SoleSource · 15/10/2012 10:56

Oh dear.maybe they both broke tbe eyeshadow. Or your DD is doing stuff to blame her friend so she gets your atebtion. Just another angle.

DIYapprentice · 15/10/2012 11:19

Do 8 year olds have make up and nail varnish of their own these days???

If there is another short playdate, then I agree with others, keep them where they can be watched. I've done this with friends of DS who delight in causing mayhem. For these longer sessions, I think you need to get a big basket and remove anything fragile/valuable/precious from your DD's room and put it in your bedroom which is out of bounds. Definitely no make up to be left in there, and no art supplies which can cause this sort of damage (glue/glitter pens, markers, etc).

Make a point of saying that things have been removed because of previous breakages, so she knows that you're onto her.

It must be sad for your DD that this happens, I remember having a cousin that would do these sort of nasty things. I never had the choice of having her around or not, and would often lose things because she would break them or steal them.

ErrorError · 15/10/2012 13:18

I had a 'friend' who did this... she stole a precious item given to me by my Nan, and when I played at her house, I discovered it and confronted her. She denied it was mine and said her own Nan had bought it for her. It was a very distinctive object in a display case so I'm sure it was mine, but I only had my word against hers really. She was a very troubled child, and had a terrible relationship with her parents. Her mum had many boyfriends and was always in and out of her life herself. I don't think that's any excuse to justify stealing and destroying behaviours, but OP, I think you could be right that there's something more serious going on here, (hopefully not as extreme as this.)

And yes, put away anything special to your DD and I agree you should bring up the topic of respecting belongings, but do it as though you're addressing both girls, because it will save the embarrassment/awkwardness of having to deal with the friend's mum, if she runs home to say she's been accused.

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