to find phrases like 'she who must be obeyed' and 'the missus' disrespectful and annoying

[TheBirdsTheBirds]

even when used by men I personally know to be nice, helpful people, it still grates. Am I being oversensitive? When I first got married, DH learned VERY quickly not to refer to me as 'the missus'. But I can't quite work out why I find it so annoying.

Obviously 'the old ball and chain' is just insulting, but the other two are used regularly and unthinkingly by lots of men on here and in RL.

She who must be obeyed irritates me. My husband has called me The Boss a few times, he doesn't now. Funny how every time there's some mundane task, or that constant daily dull organising to do, the sort of job that gets no recognition, the female gets elected to the position of power. Then given one
of those back handed verbal pats on the back. Shortly followed by pleas of not being able to multitask, seconds later all the women will laugh and say of course you can't. If you can get up in the morning, get yourself to work and hold down a job, you CAN multitask to some extent, you can work out that children need to be fed and kept cleanish in the same day

I say that as someone who likes banter and his happy to shout Huuusband up the stairs and is happy to be called The Wife on birthday cards. That's banter between us!

UltraBof, that's the thing, "my current husband" is funny, but also rather depressing in what it says about marriage these days. And "the wife" is used in banter and not meant to be offensive, but does reveal a dodgy attitude, or at least is a relic of very dodgy attitudes from the past.

Nah. My DH uses my name and sometimes I let him shorten it (only person in the world who is allowed) >>whispers

I get called the boss sometimes. I've heard him on the phone organising something and saying 'I'll just speak to the boss' then asks me about dates, plans etc to make sure I'll be about for the boys or nothing else is happening.

Yes! She who must be obeyed is often being obeyed on a task that the person doing it considers to be petty and meaningless, but will do it to "keep the peace" or placate.

I did mean this thread to be fairly lighthearted, but I'm all annoyed now!

You need to grow up.

When someone asks me to commit to something I don't want to do, I will say: ok I'll ask the boss. That doesn't mean DH is the boss , it's a figure if speech.

I AM 'she who must be obeyed'.

Though we use the old 'If Mama ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy'.

Which is true and just the way I like it.

What's that saying? My way, no highway option?

When I lived in Yorkshire "our lass" was a favourite.
Husband always refers to my parents as "the outlaws" -(not to their faces - he would be scared as mother is force to be reckoned with)

I think "She who must be obeyed" is originally from H Rider Haggard's novel She.

I get called "The Planning Committee" by DH and handed over to talk to people on the phone about some activity/ day out/ whatever. I absolutely hate this when I haven't been involved in the original discussion - feel put on the spot to politely agree to some plan when its the last thing I want to do/ would like some time to think about things. Would much rather DH lied and said "I'll just check with roseum, she's tending DS at the moment/ in the garden/ whatever, then get back to you".

I agree they're a bit pants as terms. I kind of wouldn't mind if they were said in all seriousness (), but it's always with a wry smile as if to say 'If it weren't for this shackle on my lifestyle I would be doing all manner of exciting things'.

The only term in this vein I have ever really liked was from Viz; the pink handcuffs. It's just because it made me laugh.

Yabvvvvu. There is a mumsnetter who called her partner manshape

Ah, "manshape" always makes me think of dee. The "planning committee" makes me laugh too. I find those nicknames funny and don't mind being called "first wife" because it gives me an excuse to find an equally insulting term for him. (But then my relationship with DH has always been built on banter, mutual insult and one-up-manship, so it should probably be viewed as a cautionary tale)

Personally, I yearn for days when people called each other Mr and Mrs Bennett, as in Pride and Prejudice

"Mr Lashings, surely you wil miss the 8.45am stagecoach if you do not make all haste with your Partridge Shreddies?"

"Great heavens, Mrs Lashings, I believe you are right. I wish you good day. Pray do kick ass at your meeting this afternoon."

"I am all over it, Mr Bennett."

"Mr Lashings"

UltraBOF no need to apologise :)

I guess my point was that some people will find phrases annoying/insulting/whatever and lots will not.

It is all personal taste as to how you take them as well as the sentiment behind it. Usually they are meant affectionately. Which is why I think that some people are over-reacting.

I find these terms patronising too , I dont get het up about it but do think they are casually insulting.

Where I work if I see a customer I ask if I can help and often get "oh no I have to wait for the boss" and every bloke thinks hes so original and funny. Sigh

"Hubby" - awful word

Ha ha Lashings, I thought it was just me who liked that form of address!!!

My iPhone refers to me as Supreme Commander - is that patronising?

I don't like it either OP.

My husband once referred to me as The Gaffer. He only did it once though.

So maybe I am SheWhoMustBeObeyed after all

It is disrespectful. The implication is that their wife is a nagging fishwife of a woman.

I don't like 'hubby' either. If I read a thread on here where the OP refers to their 'hubby' I don't even bother reading the rest!

" 'She who must be obeyed' is just a statement of fact isn't it?"

I get called the above, Boss, CO, 2IC. All sorts of things. All of them in a loving way. My husband is away a lot and I do all the household admin including finances, so I suppose to some degree it is a statement of fact.

If it was not meant in a loving way then I would tell him to jack it in or I'll walk.

Do some women really refer to their DH as 'the boss'?!
As for 'the Mrs' YANBU.

My DP refers to me as his 'wife' on the phone. I don't even like that!!

YANBU - 'she who must be obeyed' is phrase steeped in misogyny, with implications of nagging fishwives preventing their husbands having any fun by forcing them to do boring things they don't want to do (i.e. unsupported women doing their best to hold everything together despite desperately unhelpful husbands). It's about abdicating responsibility. I can't stand it!

Derogatory phrases are also used about men and this doesn't thereby justify misogyny. It's always problematic in a relationship where one partner doesn't respect the other - though from a societal point of view women have far more often been targets.

I'm sure some people can use such phrases in an affectionate way without any disrespect, but I find it odd that people would choose to use such loaded phrases.

By the way, I think 'hubby' is as bad as any of these, but not because it is disrespectful or loaded, only because it is horrible.

I find 'the missus' worse (I've never heard anyone actually use SWMBO). It's just so derogatory.
What's wrong with referring to people by their first name? Or my husband/wife if you're talking to someone who doesn't know your spouse rather than the.
We're talking about people, not dogs.

We're talking about people, not dogs.

Exactly. That's why I hate 'the' being put in front of wife. My wife is fine saying the wife makes it sound like ownership, it harks back to a time when husbands used to literally own their wives.

I'm occasionally referred to as The Social Secretary as I usually know what's in the diary without looking. I think most men using terms like Her Indoors etc are being fond rather than offensive.