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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to bring my own food to a cafe?

114 replies

vvviola · 12/10/2012 20:53

You see, I think I am, but DH thinks we have extenuating circumstances.

I'm not able to have dairy or egg as I'm still breastfeeding DD2 who is allergic to both.

I find going out for coffee & cake extremely frustrating. I have yet to find a cafe that has anything I can eat. (Am in NZ, so please no lists of wonderful UK cafes that do egg & dairy free cakes! Grin). Sometimes I can have a bagel with jam, if they do them, but that's about the height of it.

I always bring something for DD2 to eat. I have absolutely no issue with pulling out things for a 1 year old, especially one that is allergic to things.

DH reckons I should do the same for myself. We always buy coffee for me, coffee & cake for him, and juice and a biscuit for DD1. But I still can't envisage taking biscuits out for me too.

So, WIBU to bring something for myself to eat?

OP posts:
iwouldgoouttonight · 12/10/2012 21:24

If every time I went out with my friends or colleagues they had to sit with me and eat on a park bench I think they'd soon stop asking me to go with them!

BrianButterfield · 12/10/2012 21:30

"if everyone did this, they would go out of business" - right, well, yes they would if everyone just brought their own food. But if everyone brought their on because they can't eat anything in the cafe then they wouldn't have any business anyway, so it's not a great argument.

I'm on the fence though. On the one hand, it's crap that places don't cater for allergic people. On the other hand, it does seem a bit rude, doesn't it? I don't blame you for being tempted though.

babybythesea · 12/10/2012 21:47

I can see why you'd feel uncomfortable. So would I.
On the other hand, you are still buying a coffee. All the people who are saying it will put the cafe out of business - have they never gone into a cafe and just bought a coffee without buying food?? You are still providing them with trade.
I would ask, I think, if they provide anything suitable, and if not, do they mind if you eat your own biscuit? It will also hopefully raise the issue with them, that they have a potential gap in the market...!!

osterleymama · 12/10/2012 22:04

No YANBU. It's not like you're just being tight, you have to feed baby, you're not hurting anyone so I see no good reason why you shouldn't be able to enjoy a coffee and biscuit. I would find a regular place with friendly staff and nicely explain, adding that this is only a temporary thing while you are feeding. Then regularly buy something there you CAN eat or drink, even if it's only bottled water.

maddening · 12/10/2012 22:07

Yanbu - just ask if they have anything you can have and if not then just say is it ok if you nibble on your own things

GhostShip · 12/10/2012 22:08

YABU.

maddening · 12/10/2012 22:09

and what about the types that sit there working on a laptop having the odd coffee but taking up a table for ages - they are purchasing lots of other stuff if the cafe say it's ok then where's the problem?

MegBusset · 12/10/2012 22:14

YANBU, I would totally take something for you too, as long as you are buying the coffee that you would normally get, what difference does it make to the cafe if you eat your own biscuit as you would not be able to buy one from there anyway.

My DS1 is allergic to and I have no qualms at all about taking my own food for him to a cafe if I know there'll be nothing he can eat there, I would buy a drink for him too.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 12/10/2012 22:17

If it's a nice cafe I would just ask. If it's not a nice cafe why are you going there?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 12/10/2012 22:22

Take something, ask if its ok, buy other stuff and leave a nice tip.

I think if you are the sort of customer that will sit there for hours with one coffee, yabu. If you buy plenty for the rest of your family, and they say they don't mind, then it's fine.

surfingbabies · 12/10/2012 22:23

YANBU, I've worked in lots of food establishments & we've never said no to children nor adults who have asked to eat their allergy free food when they are ordering other things. If another customer queries it we we're told to just tell them that that customer has an allergy but no one ever did Smile
You'll be surprised on how embarrassed the cafe/restaurant will be towards you for not being able to prove you with anything to suit your allergy!!!
As for taking refuge, your not because your already there having a coffee with your family who are eating too so just ignore those comments, also the breast feeding ones Smile

IveNoIntentionOfMakingCupcakes · 12/10/2012 22:26

Yeah, just ask. Maybe you could go there a few times beforehand so they get to know you as a regular customer. You never know, they may offer to put something new on the menu...

If you are really embarrassed you could offer to pay a little bit for a plate -like a corkage fee. I'm sure they'd appreciate a bit extra for the tip jar

mamij · 12/10/2012 22:30

YANBU.

You are buying food from the cafe already. It's not like you are sitting there eating your own food with a cup of tap water!

I would ask whether they have any dairy/egg free food. If they do - great! If not, I'd ask if I could eat my own because of allergy reasons. I'm sure most cafes would be more than happy, especially if you are already buying coffees and cakes!

CouthyMowWearingOrange · 12/10/2012 22:37

TalkinPeace - maybe, like I did, she is BF a DC that is over 6mo, and therefore knows that her baby has allergies?!

I BF DS3 to 12mo. He showed first signs of his severe dairy allergy at under 8wo. I was on a dairy free diet from then until he stopped BF at 12mo.

So perfectly possible to be following a free-from diet due to your BF LO's allergies!

Allalonenow · 12/10/2012 22:40

YABU
Their business depends on bums on seats, on customers eating and drinking. If you and your family are filling a table while you consume your own food, the cafe is losing possible customers who would be eating and drinking cafe produced refreshments.
You could also be affecting future business for the cafe, if I were the owner I would not be happy with what you are suggesting.

GhostofMammaTJ · 12/10/2012 22:40

YANBU, unless they provide for you.They are serving your family and you are allowing yourself to eat alongside them.

GeorgianMumto5 · 12/10/2012 22:43

I have food intolerances and so do the dc, so I feel your pain! I usually ask if they have anything that fits my dietary requirements (sometimes it is a banana or a packet of plain crisps neither of which are all that with a cup of coffee, but I'll take them if that's all and I'm hungry). Sometimes I have a back-up snack handy and will explain my predicament and ask if that's OK. I do always clear up my rubbish. Sometimes I opt to go hungry and don't bother asking. Only once have I been told, 'No,' and I went elsewhere. Not in a flouncy way - in a rather British way, in fact.

Who said, 'Learn hunger'? You think the OP hasn't?! I have been to restaurants where I can't eat half of what the rest of the party are eating. I have spent entire evenings out with friends, while they scoff cakes and biscuits and I sit there hungry. I've been to church lunches, having been promised food and then there either is none, or someone forgets to put it out, or someone else eats it. We are almost ALWAYS hungry for goodness sake! Learn empathy.

Also the OP is breastfeeding, which makes you hungry (calories out means you need more calories in), so she probably could do with a snack more often than I do.

Someone also said she is using up a seat that a paying customer could use. She is a paying customer. She's buying a drink and her OH is buying a drink and a snack.

I'm now going to spend the rest of the evening muttering, 'Learn hunger. FFS!'

GhostofMammaTJ · 12/10/2012 22:50

I read the op then read your thread Georgian, now I will go to sleep with the mantra Learn Hunger!!

Clearly that is easier than teaching people about food intolerances!!

IneedAsockamnesty · 12/10/2012 22:56

yanbu. as long as to you are buying stuff to drink and other members of your group are eating and you ask. most cafes would say yes given the custom your group is bringing and the ones that say no are probally places you wouldnt want to go to.

how ever yabu for being reasonable because there i was thinking you were surgesting rocking up to a cafe with a roast and flask,

thursday · 13/10/2012 01:21

says right there that she brings things for the child to eat. readers assumption that breastfed means pre solid food. and as for not being allergic because the mother isn't? baffling.

as long as you'd tried to order off the menu and they'd not found anything at all suitable and you'd asked if it was ok then no, i dont think YWBU to bring a snack. its the entitled attitude of treating businesses like a park bench that would be a problem. i can't imagine most cafe owners would refuse if they really weren't up to allergies.

BridgetBidet · 13/10/2012 01:27

Agree with Pagwatch just explain the situation and ask if it's okay. If they say no they are a twatty place you shouldn't give custom to, go elsewhere.

But you must ask, just going in and eating it without explaining and you'll get kicked out.

HolyAutumnGoldBatman · 13/10/2012 01:38

I think you need to ask them if they have anything dairy and egg free for you to have with your coffee

If they say 'yes', buy it from them.

If they say 'no', then explain that you have brought your own biscuits/cake from home and will be having that with your coffee.

If they have a problem with this, tell them you will take you business elsewhere.

AmIthatbad · 13/10/2012 01:55

What a decent thread, with well reason arguments from both sides.

So where, Anna Liza, are people being horrible for no reason Hmm I haven't seen any horrible posts on this thread.

The Op asked if she would BU and has had a range of opinions and views.

Bogeyface · 13/10/2012 01:59

My cousins DS's have severe allergies they inherited from their father that meant that my BFing cousin (with no allergies) couldnt eat certain things until they were weaned off the breast. She always asked and only once was she told "no" and she went somewhere else.

The trick is to ask. 99 times out of 100 they will say yes if there is a genuine reason and you are buying other things. Dont be sneaky, as that will make the owners assume you are pulling a fast one.

Original poster
vvviola · 13/10/2012 02:02

"Learn hunger" Grin I love it. I can assure you I have well learnt hunger at this stage.

I think, based on the thread, I may just ask at the places I am a regular at, but only if I'm giving DD the snack too.

Meals are usually ok (if a little dull - I seem to end up with. BLT without any sauce most of the time), it's the places that just do cakes or pre-made sandwiches that cause the biggest issue.

The only cafe locally with allergy friendly food had staff so clueless that they gave me cake that had egg in it when they claimed it hadn't. We realised when DD at a crumb of it & reacted. Sad
(she's 13 months by the way, well on to solids, but currently a bottle refuser so breastfed also)

And sorry to the poster who wanted me to rock up with a roast and a flask Grin. Although from some of the reactions you might think I was suggesting I do just that!

So. Asking politely if the rest of the group are ordering, and only in places I'm a regular at, and if they don't have anything at all I can eat. I still might feel a bit weird...

OP posts:
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